Doing my best, I think

[Distressed67]

Ok, a couple of questions:

1) Communications we text each other everyday now to ask about each others days or if she is bored she text me whatever. Do I continue this after I move out or let her initiate all communications?

2) We have been meeting for lunch about once every two to three weeks do I keep this up?

3) What about problems at the house do I go over and handle it or tell her to deal with it and I will check it out when I have my weekend/week at the house.

I know anything with the kids gets dealt with right away but its the other incidentals I'm talking about.

There are some fine lines here so those of you that have done this hopefully can give me some pointers. I want to continue to be the great guy I am but I don't want to be her push over either. Also if you know of some other pit falls that would be helpful also.


Tim

[whiskey.tango]

Ok, a couple of questions:

1) Communications we text each other everyday now to ask about each others days or if she is bored she text me whatever. Do I continue this after I move out or let her initiate all communications?

2) We have been meeting for lunch about once every two to three weeks do I keep this up?

3) What about problems at the house do I go over and handle it or tell her to deal with it and I will check it out when I have my weekend/week at the house.

I know anything with the kids gets dealt with right away but its the other incidentals I'm talking about.

There are some fine lines here so those of you that have done this hopefully can give me some pointers. I want to continue to be the great guy I am but I don't want to be her push over either. Also if you know of some other pit falls that would be helpful also.


Tim

You're getting ahead of yourself. You're not even out the door yet, dear friend. All of these things will depend on how you feel once you walk out the door. How she reacts once you walk out the door.

This action (leaving) is significant. Please do not treat it like nothing has changed. Much will change.

What you've been doing isn't working, or you wouldn't be moving out. I'm not saying you should discontinue contact. But, it's going to be different and it's hard to see right now.

Be open to communication, but not obligated. Without a formal separation agreement, you are still married - therefore anything she does affects you and you her. So upkeep of the house is in both your best interests. Issues with the kids you may want to handle on a case by case basis.

You do need to set boundaries. One thing I've learned from reading your posts is you've been carrying her across puddles for a long time. Stop it. You're over thinking this. Stop it. Let go. It's your choice, it's a good choice for you and you will be fine.

WT

[ernest88]

One thing I've learned from reading your posts is you've been carrying her across puddles for a long time. Stop it. You're over thinking this. Stop it. Let go. It's your choice, it's a good choice for you and you will be fine

I like the harsher WT

Men(including myself) have to be so damn detail oriented..we have to have a plan in place before we can take a crap..

and that sometimes comes across as controlling..cause we damn sure can't verbalize what we are thinking..

so..my suggestion...don't have a plan(for her) or for the unimportant things...

flying by the seat of your pants can free your mind sometimes..I went from detail oriented with everything to finally figuring out that if I'm 10 minutes late for church that they don't kick you out, lock the doors or stare at you..

bottom line Tim...you're dealing with a woman(no offense ladies)and they are not wired to "detailed plans" of men..

I'd go with it..I'd decide what you want and need..and that's what you should do..

[Distressed67]

One thing I've learned from reading your posts is you've been carrying her across puddles for a long time. Stop it. You're over thinking this. Stop it. Let go. It's your choice, it's a good choice for you and you will be fine

I like the harsher WT

Yea me too, I think.

Thanks WT I needed to hear that. Keep beating me with that stick it will get through someday. And yes it is the right choice for me at this time, it needs to be done for my own peace of mind.

[whiskey.tango]

I like the harsher WT

flying by the seat of your pants can free your mind sometimes

And a sign of confidence within yourself. Amid the confusion, it's hard to feel stable - but sometimes you gotta trust - blind faith. You'll know what battles to fight. And if you don't, you'll post here and MFT and I will tell you.

No offense taken regarding dealing with women - we don't get into too much detail - it's wasted brain time 'cause we just might change our mind.

Tim, you got a support system. You're going to be snowed in the whole weekend, clear your mind.

The beatings await you - you know where to find us.
WT

[Distressed67]

One thing I've learned from reading your posts is you've been carrying her across puddles for a long time. Stop it. You're over thinking this. Stop it. Let go. It's your choice, it's a good choice for you and you will be fine

I like the harsher WT

Men(including myself) have to be so damn detail oriented..we have to have a plan in place before we can take a crap..

and that sometimes comes across as controlling..cause we damn sure can't verbalize what we are thinking..

so..my suggestion...don't have a plan(for her) or for the unimportant things...

flying by the seat of your pants can free your mind sometimes..I went from detail oriented with everything to finally figuring out that if I'm 10 minutes late for church that they don't kick you out, lock the doors or stare at you..

bottom line Tim...you're dealing with a woman(no offense ladies)and they are not wired to "detailed plans" of men..

I'd go with it..I'd decide what you want and need..and that's what you should do..

Flying by the seat of my pants is not what I do very well. I think, I plan and then I do. Another thing I need to work on. Good thing I have some time alone coming up to do that.

[ernest88]

Hey Tim,

just because I say I fly by the seat of my pants does not mean it does not get to me sometimes..as a matter of fact it still bothers me on occasion...it still pisses me off on occasion..hell i'm a man..I'm wired that way..

I've learned not to sweat the small stuff and you are going to run into a lot of unimportant stuff through all this...but when you first run into it, or hear it from her, it will look really big..really important...you'll look back on it after a time and decide, "well, that was not as important as i thought"
I've learned alot about being around all the Estrogen I'm around ...sometimes you just have to go with it..sometimes it does not go as planned...sometimes you just have to let it go..

and the best part of all that..... you still get to keep your pecker. .your still a good man.. .and sometimes that makes you even more of a man than the average "joe"

[whiskey.tango]

and the best part of all that..... you still get to keep your pecker. .your still a good man.. .and sometimes that makes you even more of a man than the average "joe"

Agreed!

[Bridgestone]

Ok, a couple of questions:

1) Communications we text each other everyday now to ask about each others days or if she is bored she text me whatever. Do I continue this after I move out or let her initiate all communications?

how's that been working for you??

2) We have been meeting for lunch about once every two to three weeks do I keep this up?

how's that been working for you??

quit chasing cheeseless tunnels

3) What about problems at the house do I go over and handle it or tell her to deal with it and I will check it out when I have my weekend/week at the house.

if it's a request that she has & it is not immediately affecting the value of the house (it is burning down or the toilet is running water all over the floor) get to it on your timeline WHEN IT"s GOOD for YOU. Let her miss you and learn to deal with a "tim-less" life.


You said in a later post that it would be difficult to have the kids more...because of only 2 of you in the office.
I think this is where I would concentrate my time & energy... find ANYWAY you can to juggle both so it is as close to 50/50 split as you can make it.

I have no doubt it will be hard & hard choices will have to be made between work, kids, possibly hiring a sitter/nanny for a few hours a week, but show her YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT HER.

If you are texting her, taking her to lunch, fixing things at the house, she gets the kids 75% of the time.... what is she missing & how are things changing other than she now has more closet & bathroom counter space?

If you are leaving & separating.. then do it. One thing I wish I would have done sooner, was really 'left' him instead of taking pity on him & my co-depednecy kicking in and 'taking care' of things even from 20 miles away.

It's just within the past 4 months I've seen him heard him finally 'understand the consequences of both his actions & inactions'.

You can plan things out to the n-th degree (I do, I have, I will continue to.. it's not just a guy thing)

I've come to realize that 90% of what I worry about wouldn't have happened anyways.. despite my planning.. I am deluding myself that 'planning' makes good things happen & keeps bad things from happening. The ONLY thing I can control is me.

As WT said.. you have the support system... this separation is a hard, and sad choice to make on one hand...

on the other you are saving yourself, that is a celebration.
Frame your thoughts about it as you need to... feelings & actions will follow.

Peace
Bridge

[whiskey.tango]

Good Morning,

So I went back in the archives to find your thread and know where I found it? I didn't. It's been SO LONG since you updated that you fell off the archives.

How are you?

WT