but I would not change a thing that I have done these past 3 years except to do them 5 years earlier.
And that is what will let you sleep at night, trust me on this one It is also what I hope everyone who is on this site can look back on their time here & say.
I wish you well my friend. Godspeed & Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
I had breakfast with my mom this morning she was in for a meeting and wanted to talk to me about moving out. Amazing how perceptive she is. She said she knew my W and I were having problems several years ago because of how we interacted but the last couple of months or so we seemed to be doing so much better she figured we worked it out.
I told her the condensed version of the last 6-7 years of our marriage leading up to today. She did not need to know all the gory details but having gone through two failed marriages herself she understood exactly what I was saying.
She was more concerned how I was going to handle it. She did not want me to be bitter over this and hold a grudge for the next 30 years as my dad has done. I told her that 3 years ago I probably would have but I am so different now that I could never do that.
She of course like most people did not believe what an a** I was. I told her it was true. I was unhappy, I hated my job, my relationship with my w and I blamed her for everything. I know different now I also know that she is just as much at fault as I am so I don't take all the blame. We fed off each other till I broke the cycle. Now were now in another cycle and I need to do what is best for me and move out to give us both space to think.
I told her I was not doing this to make my W do something. I was doing it fo me. I thought about the other but its not the reason.
I want nothing but the best for my W and I trully do want her to be happy. Life is what it is and being misrable over this hurts noone but me and the kids. I will not do that to them. I hated having family get togethers with the tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
Been there also done that won't do it.
Funny thing is she told me She felt better after talking with me. You would think it should be the other way around but I am doing ok right now. 28 days from now I may not be but I can deal with that in 28 days.
She also told me that she cares about my W. 22 years is a long time and thinks of her as a daughter and hopes that it's all right with me. She said the mom of my step dad was wonderful when they D and that is how she would be if ours came to that also.
She is the most amazing, wonderful person I ever met. Never giving out advice, there to listen, always understanding and never speaks badly about anybody even when one of her kids is hurt by them. She knows it's just life and things like this happen. I love her very much.
I want nothing but the best for my W and I trully do want her to be happy. Life is what it is and being misrable over this hurts noone but me and the kids. I will not do that to them.
Is your wife unhappy? I know you've mentioned that she's not sure if she can get her feelings back for you, but has she told you she's unhappy?
You've mentioned that you feel like you're pressuring her. Has she ever said that?
I'm hearing sometimes that you have lots of conversations with yourself. She doesn't say anything, so you have to play a guessing game. I know you can't get blood from a stone, but until she speaks up, you can't know what she's thinking. I wouldn't assume anything. Go on what information she gives you - you're giving her an excuse not to express herself.
Yes she has told me that she is unhappy and does not know how to make herself happy or what will make her happy. And your right I can only go off what she says and that is very little. I gather my information over time compiling the little stuff that she does tell me.
She has not come out and said that I am pressuring her and maybe I am persuming that but none the less her feelings have not change. I don't see them changing in the forseeable future so either I choose to live in the same house this way or I choose to move out.
I need to reavaluate my feelings in all of this also and I feel moving out will give me a different prospective on our R. Plus I get frustrated living with someone that does not love me or want to be with me. I have lost patience with the current situation and its time to do want I need to do.
Your never out of line. Keep firing the questions it keeps me in line and helps me make sure I am doing things for the right reasons.
but I would not change a thing that I have done these past 3 years except to do them 5 years earlier.
And that is what will let you sleep at night, trust me on this one It is also what I hope everyone who is on this site can look back on their time here & say.
I wish you well my friend. Godspeed & Peace Bridge
Thanks Bridge,
I know I have done all I could to right this ship and I can look in the mirror and know I gave it everything I had.
A few more comments/questions about this post and I'll let it go. Promise.
Quote:
She said it was easier for me because we were in the same house.
I'm not sure I understand this.
Quote:
She said you never offered me any books.
So she hasn't been listening or really checked in. But I think you knew this - she's been doing what ever it takes to keep this neutral.
Quote:
She said I can’t live without them for a whole week, how can you for two.
Very powerful statement. And very judgemental on her part. And as much as I want to be brutally honest here, I just can't. But what I will say is I wish she would just be honest.
Quote:
I was thinking every other weekend I stay at the house and every third week I stay here with them. That will give you time away to not have the responsibility of the house and kids and to do things you want to do. Its not fair for you to not have time away and me not to be with them.
You're thinking for her. Laying this plan all out. Think about YOU and what YOU need. Yes think about the kids. But don't 'give her time away'. "It's not fair for you to not have time away". No the truth is "me not to be with them". Don't worry about what she needs or what you can give her. It's up to her to speak up.
I know you want to be kind, fair and for her to be happy. Please consider backing off a little. You're making all the decisions, laying out all the plans for both of you. I got no problem with you informing her of YOUR plans. She's choosen to input very little over the past year - what makes you think she'll step up to the plate now? As a last effort to save you both from separation? Believe me, I was hoping she would and still hold out hope. It may not be before you leave, but I'm hoping this separation will wake her ass up. And then I have that thought in the back of my mind that thinks she may like this just fine. Not much is going to change for her, really....
I worry about being to harsh here. I want to support you, but I worry.
well hell..I'm not bashfull...I'll be the harsh one..
Tim-stop making this easy for her...a separation should not be easy for her..if anything it should light a fire under her ass...you should not have to do all the work..you should not have to list all the pros and cons..you should not take all the responsibility or accountability...
and
letting her take care of some things and stand on her own two feet..does not mean you need to go back to be an ass..
sometimes I think this site does more harm than good....
really? Damn.. just blew my virtual image of you..
Originally Posted By: distressed67
letting her take care of some things and stand on her own two feet..does not mean you need to go back to be an ass..
agreed..
in fact.. you being 'all good' while she is learning to find a 'new normal' of standing on her own two feet might be the impetus she needs to reevaulate those 'dead feelings'.
so go be 'all good'- not as Tim- Mrs. Tim's new & improved husband, provider & protector. you've shown her that..
show her confident, GAL'ing, moving foward as Tim a single dad, show her that.. 'be' that.
and please reconsider only have the kids minimal time. She needs to understand.. truly understand the emptiness of a house without the presence of family, for extended periods of time.
Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
Tim: Something Lodo posted to me when I was making hard choices this time last year.
Maybe it will speak to you..
The Journey by mary oliver
One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do-- determined to save the only life you could save.
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
The ball is now in her court Mike. I had to get the ball rolling because I knew she would just sit back and allow the days to pass without doing anything. By me initiating this process it has forced her to start thinking about the trial separation and hopefully add to the agreement that I started. I need her input so we can have a working agreement before I move out.
As I stated I don’t think she thought I was serious. Our talk on Sunday was an eye opener for her. What she does from here is not my concern I hope that she seeks help for her issues and continues to read the books she took from my night stand but I cannot make her do any of that.
I plan on talking to her again this weekend about the separation agreement. And Bridge I understand what you are saying about time with the kids and her dealing with an empty house but I must think of their best interest in this aspect. Unfortunately there is only two of us in this office to make it run and getting in late to get the kids off to school and home early to get them dinner, help with homework and off to sports every other week I don’t think will be feasible. I already talked to my partner that every 3rd week will require some adjustment to get the work done so I can take care of the kids. I may change my mind plus I plan on seeing them atleast once or twice each week that I am not there.
WT, I understand what you are saying. I did tell her that I had to see the kids and spend time with them I just missed that in my post. And I don’t know how to get her to step up to the plate. This needs to get done and again if I don’t start it and push it nothing will happen. I hope as you do that she will wake up but right now I cannot wait for that. I plan on moving out the end of this month so time is of the essence.
Also don’t worry about being harsh I need that to stop being overprotective and trying to make it easier on her. Its my nature so bear with me on this.
Tim
ps. Thanks for the poem Bridge I need to read it a couple of time but I get your meaning.
