Piecing 20 yrs of SSM back together

[mamanpc]

hi there Puppy - long time no post on my part, sorry about that! probably because we've been on vacation together (H and I) and it's been going really well.

re:email info sharing - i shared my email details with him, but didn't ask to obtain his, and he didn't volunteer it.

Meanwhile we've been through more than 2 'cycles' (as i call them) i.e. he stopped seeing OW in Jan09 and it's now Aug09 - previously he would return with her every 2-3 months. So it's been 8 months nearly that he's 'completely' back in our R. And he's much nicer and less distant than he has been in early 09. What helped me a lot was that i was able (finally!) to tell him how dissatisfied i am with our SL (he has me 'tagged' as the 'low desire' partner) and that i am still very angry at him because of what he did and how hard it was for me to handle it (even though i was at the origin of our entire crisis - mostly because i wasn't able to tell him more clearly how unhappy i was with our R).

Finally he accepted to go see the sex therapist that i'd seen (and who had suggested that H come see him alone) - the ST prescribed a low dose of anti-depressant, in theory to aid H's 'staypower' when we ML. But now i wonder if there was an ulterior motive in doing that, because the change of behavior and improvement in H's overall mental well-being is tremendous (and he's noticed it and mentioned it himself, after at first being very leery about taking an antidepressant).

Also i asked that we see a counselor together 'for me' - he has always refused (and still doesn't agree to it) - BUT he did accept to go see one 'just once, for me'. So that's something positive for me too, as my therapists have repeatedly suggested that we do this so that we can improve our mutual listening skills with the help of a mediator.

I am also re-reading schnarch's PM book and there are so many intersting points in there that apply to my sitch - like the importance of identifying MY crucible and working on that, instead of 'obsessing' with working on our R together. So i'm looking forward to doing more of that.

I will never know for certain if he has completely stopped seeing OW - she is a neighbor and i am not home on weekdays/weeknights when i work. So in theory it's very easy for him to maintain that R if he wants to. And i could easily do the same - in fact that's what triggered the crisis in our R: my being located remotely for work reasons, and naively thinking that i could maintain multiple Rs (extramarital and marital) as that seemed to be the only way to fulfill the things that were lacking in our M.
It's all about rebuilding trust and deciding for MYSELF that i don't want/need extramarital R anymore, since H is willing to open up and work on our R (well, it's more that we 're moving in the right direction but we're not there yet).

Sorry for the long post, m thinking out loud at the same time as i write... after 25 years of marriage, we're only 8 months (barely) into full reconciliation with no 'extra people' in our R, so there is still a huge amount of work to be done to something more fulfilling for both of us.