Hello everyone, i'm in a new phase of piecing our R back together (see my other thread in my signature). Many of the descriptions here really 'talk' to me - i'm the LD spouse, BUT much of the descriptions of the LD husband in some posts seem to describe my H rather well, regarding the lack of intimacy. Our sex life was so unsatisfying to me that, after attempting to ask H for what i wanted, and not getting it (H refused to accept the idea of non-sexual caresses, longer foreplay, etc) that i just 'tuned out' and tried to live with the situation for 15 years. The result was terribly boring sex not only for me but also for H, and lead to a major midlife crisis on my part (I became a WAW, see my previous thread). Now we're back together (since Jan09) and now we begin the hard work of improving our SSM. I will schedule another appt with my sex therapist - i had begun seeing him and started with a complete hormonal check which lead to verifying that the nodules on my thyroid were not carcinogenic (they are not, thankfully!). The difficulty i'm having is that H is still quite uninterested in considering any sex in the manner that i would like - he tried it a bit this WE and was depressed, bored, and un-turned on by it. Probably i didn't pay attention to his needs enough on my part, i was too focused on trying to get my needs met, for a change. And i am not able to communicate clearly enough the need i have for emotional intimacy. I did explain that i need time to relax and that it also helps when i know he's not going to 'jump' onto my breasts and genitals too quickly (that's a real turnoff for me). H seems to be at the stage where he is demanding that i 'work on desiring him more', period. I feel like i'm being told that i'm the abnormal one and need to do something about it - H kindly informs me that with past lovers (before we were together) and with recent lovers (that he had while we were together) things were 'fine' - he is seeing a therapist too, but he won't see one with me. I sense some desire on his part to try and improve things, but it oscillates with resentment that i'm not making progress fast enough, in his eyes. He is 'completely' back only since early Jan09, before that he was living with me and seeing OW at the same time, and informing me that he was doing this and that he didn't know who he wanted to stay with. Meanwhile i was losing my job and trying to find another one. You get the picture - major MAJOR stress for me - so i'm only just recovering from it all. I do want to work on myself, i know from Michelle's books and other books as well that i need to work on MYSELF, just like many postings say too. So i think that i will tell him that i want to do all i can to improve and make him feel good about our R. Sorry for this terribly long post - i need to write this down to get it out of my head and it helps me think about what to do next!
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
I've read through all of your posts. Though I don't think that I have enough relevant experience to really help you, I just wanted to welcome you to our forum.
I hope that all of the "others" are absolutely and completely out of the picture for you and your H. It is tough to work on a marriage when there are more than a husband and wife in bed, KWIM? With infidelity, there are simply too many covert dynamics at play to have an honest chance at making progress. That said, have you both committed to each other that your intention is a monogomous, faithful, supportive, and trusting marriage?
I know that you mentioned that your H refuses marriage counseling. Is that still true? What are his reasons for resisting professional help?
yes, the others are out of the picture now. And yes, we both want this to work. The difficulty currently (I think) is getting past all the anger and hurt over what has happened.
I feel much better today, after seeing my sex therapist and therapist yesterday. They were very supportive and both said that the next step is that the sex therapist sees my husband alone. I hope that 1 day H and I will be able to really 'hear' what we are trying to tell each other. Now i have the impression that we talk, but we don't hear each other well. Then we get frustrated, and my H rolls out the 'complaint list' of all the bad things i've done to him in the past. I asked him if we could agree to put the past in the past and focus on the future and he said no, he's not ready to do that. So i fear that his 'grudge list' is going to kill our R. But there is nothing i can do for him in that regard, that's his issue to address on his own. On my side i'm going to work on putting my 'grudge list' behind me and look forward to the future, definitely with him until the kids are out of the house at least. I'd like it to last longer than that, but if in 10 years (inch'Allah the kids will be alive and healthy and moving on slowly but surely with their lives) he is still trotting out his 'gruddge list' , then i think that i will seriously consider moving on. Of course i will inform him of my intentions to do so, BEFORE taking any actions that i may regret - i learned that thanks to Michelle's books and website. And 10 years is very very far away, i could die before that and so could my H. So it's just idle thoughts at this stage, in fact. What i am doing short term is working wtih my therapists, my journals, and reading through this forum, to gain inspiration and action-oriented plans for the next steps.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
Good progress made, i think, vs my last post. Shortly after my last post, i was getting to ready to have 'the conversation' with H - explaining that i was getting frustrated about the lack of progress we were making and that i was thinking about giving up. And low and behold, BEFORE i had to have that 'conversation', he made an appointment with the sex therapist (finally!!!) and accepted to follow (partly as he's not respecting the full dose prescribed...) the recommended treatment. And it does indeed make a difference when we ML, although i think it might be better at a higher dose... but it's a big step already that he accepts to take it. And in fact, the treatment (an SSRI anti-depressant at a low dose for erectile dysfuntion) is doing WONDERS for his overall well-being - he himself has noticed and admitted that it is helping him a lot. Much more serene, less driven, and seeming to be happier to be where we are now... and he says that he appreciates me more and more. I am also trying to work on my 'low desire' state - as i've read in posts elsehwere, it does have a lot to do with the lackluster quality of our love-making, although not only.
Now, my attempts to produce some action-oriented goals for my R: - improve our emotional intimacy, i.e. i would be able to share my feelings and thoughts with H, including on topics related to spirituality and sexuality, without being judged, belittled, or scoffed at. So that i feel respected, even when he disagrees with me. - the different approaches/outlooks and beliefs that i have would be understood by H, without necessarily accepting them, simply i would like that he acknowledge their value, even if he doesn't share them. - increase our non-sexual physical intimacy - he would accept to hold me/ touch me non-genitally and leave it at that. And he would acknowledge verbally that he accepts doing that - it would be ML 'my way' for a change. And, again, he would respect that choice i.e. to be intimate non sexually (the way i like it) for the entire session together. I have already told him that just htinking about non-genital intimacy turns me on! which he finds totally bizarre... - a consequence to understanding/respecting my differences in taste/desire/interests, we would be able to do things together that interest him very little/not at all (like i do now/previously when we do some things with him). For ex visit a Natural Horsemanship centre that's not far from teh house. He did say that he was open to discussing/considering my 'dream project(s)' of working with horses in the future - and that's a HUGE improvement vs the past! so now i need to tell him how much i appreciate all the progress that he's made - and do 'more of the same' on my side to encourage that change in his side, by changing my behavior/attitude - more listening, more positive acknowledgement of all that he does...
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
Thanks Lucky, i appreciate the encouragement! i've been going back and re-reading previous posts (and my numerous 'paper' journals) to get a better feeling of the huge progress I (we) have made... cause sometimes i get impatient and wish it was better than it is now. But it's moving forward, it seems, little by little. Must be patient! and continue to work on R and on myself.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
I was pleased to hear of this new development, and hope it works out well for you guys. You had mentioned previously that you were completely "transparent" with your husband, with e-mail access, etc., so that your OM wouldn't re-enter the picture.
I'm curious as to whether your husband has agreed to do the same? Without a good transparency plan in place, the recidivism rate of infidelity is unfortunately very high, as you probably know.
hi puppy dog been busy with kid end of the year school stuff, birthday parties, etc.and work so didn't have much time to check back in here. Indeed my H has not reciprocated... so yes i do worry about him starting his affair up again. BUT i was the one who started the whole 'infidelity thing' and he had always been the type of guy who was not interested in fooling around... so i don't want to make a big deal of the fact that he didn't share his email details.... he's been back for almost 6 months now and there doesn't seem to be any sign of the OW in the picture anymore. And as i spend the majority of the week working remotely from our home as well - we're in a situation where each of could go back to our 'bad old ways' and we both know that it doesn't help our R so... things seem to be progressing positively in that respect. The next big piece of work now as I see it is on the 'SSM' aspect of our R, which probably lead to the whole situation in the first place. I would be theoretically the 'LD spouse' since i have less desire than my H, but i feel that it's because our R is not that much fun for me sexually so i've lost interest in it progressively and i need to rebuild hte capacity to communicate my needs to H more - i had tried in the past and had not succeeded in itneresting him in the aspects of ML that i like as they seem to be diametrically opposite to what he likes (pretty typical of male/female likes/dislikes from much of what i've read). Just put the kids on the plane today to spend 3 weeks iwth their grandparents - should be a good opportunity to put some spark back into R with H!
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
hi puppy dog been busy with kid end of the year school stuff, birthday parties, etc.and work so didn't have much time to check back in here. Indeed my H has not reciprocated... so yes i do worry about him starting his affair up again. BUT i was the one who started the whole 'infidelity thing' and he had always been the type of guy who was not interested in fooling around... so i don't want to make a big deal of the fact that he didn't share his email details....
Did you ask him, and he refused; or you asked him and he said he would, but he hasn't; or you didn't ask him, for the reasons you state above?
