Thank you for the advice. We have only been sepeated for two weeks, so this is very raw for me. Did you get back together with your wife? I saw a post by lostfireman who said most WAW's never look back, was this the case in your relationship? I just want to see someone who successfully reconcilled, though from what I can see they do seem quite rare. I'm looking for hope really.
I can see from your post I can make a difference to our relationship my being a good father which would be a 180 for me as she says I never spent enough time with them when they were younger, which is true. Is this what you meant when I asked the question about 'fueling the affair' that it would be good for my marriage to have the children more? Are you telling me I have to more of a pro-active father and offer my support to my wife, because these are things that I did not do and has caused our relationship to flounder, and it would be 180's for lots of reasons. She has asked me to have the children over night on Friday, I believe it is to see OP and she obviously would stay over night somewhere. If I had the children I would continually think about what she is doing, should I have the children so that she can do what she wants? I do not think she would be thankful or look at me in a better light, just offloading the children is very selfish and the deceit to me is dis-respectful.
Art, the problem is I was not a loving husband, I took my wife for granted and treated the house like a hotel. I never supported her when she needed me, I never spent enough time with the children and this is why I believe she has had enough. She said I never really loved her, I did and do but I did not show it to her. How can I prove my love for her, in fact I love her more now than ever, and how can I try to fix what looks un-fixable?
I look forward to a response.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 04/22/0905:34 AM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Your thoughts are still about how to control her behavior with OP.
You have to understand, you cannot control her bad behavior. You can only encourage her when she does something right. If she wants to do things behind your back, there is nothing you can do to physically stop her.
You spending more time with kids is YOUR YOU AND YOUR KIDS. Not to control your wife and get on her good side.
So what if she chooses her Friday night off to see OM. It's out of your hands now, you cannot dwell on that.
So please, start with being a good dad. Preserve the relationship that you CAN save. Then when you are REALLY bonded with your kids then MAYBE you are in a position to woo your wife back. Anything other than genuine caring for your kids will appear fake to your wife. She is no dummy. She knows if your heart is in the right place.
So concentrate on you and the kids. If she chooses and affair now, just try to let it go. Most affairs fail, I truly believe it's how you react to them that will determine if she will come back to you. If you chase, berate, antagonize, scream at her, then she will not think that you are a safe place to go back to. However, if you follow her around like a puppy, waiting for any scraps then she won't respect you.
Be confident, know what you want but don't beg.
Start with being a good father like others suggested here. Nurture your lovely kids, they need you the most now, not your wife. They already have one unpredictable parent, they need you now more than ever. Please.
Last edited by PositivelyMommy; 04/22/0909:11 AM.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Sorry I've not posted in a while but I have been keeping up with your sitch. I'm sorry you're still feeling so low about everything. It's understandable but it's not endless. Take it from me. I separated from my W at the beginning of January and was destroyed by it. I managed to come out the other end now though and am feeling quite content with my life right now. No, my W and I have not reconciled. Yet! I'm remaining positive though and doing what I can to improve my R. It's taking time and I accept that. The one thing I've learned from all this is patience. If you want to find some inspiration from someone who has come out the other end and reconciled fully with his WAW, look up Coach. He has a sticky thread at the start of Newcomers and it's an inspiration. I recommend you read it any time you're feeling down. We can come out of this Mark, don't lose hope just because it seems so dark at the moment.
For what it's worth, I'm one of those who don't agree with Puppy in relation to PA/EA. I have no idea if my W is seeing someone else at the moment and I'm not about to go snooping to find out. I just know that trying to find out about something like that would drive me insane. I can't change her in any way, I can only change me. That's one of the first lessons of DBing. What you can do though is stop torturing yourself. Enjoy your time with your kids. Don't just see it as your W offloading them. It's a blessing to have your children with you. Cherish it. I know you're stressing out over what she's doing when you have the kids. You need to stop that now! No good can come of it. You'll only make yourself feel worse because lets face it, you're never going to know for sure. I don't care how you do it but do something to keep your mind off those thoughts. Through time and practice I managed to teach myself to alter a train of thought so I replaced a negative thought with a positive one. In the movie Happy Gilmour, it was described as going to your happy place. Just do whatever it takes to stop yourself making up scenarios in your head about what your W is up to.
It does seem to me Mark as though you are still pursuing big time. You may be hiding it from your W to a certain extent but until you can stop pursuing in reality, you'll never feel content within yourself. You say you've accepted that this is going to take time. I've accepted it too and realised from that acceptance that there are going to be times when I see no improvement at all.
Just accept the things you can't change Mark and try to become comfortable within yourself.
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
I thank you both so much for your imput. I must try to stop this pursuing behaviour, you're very perceptive Kev as I am still pursing which I didn't realise until you said it. I have just returned from work but I went via our house, my wife has taken the children over to the in-laws because she is going out!!! I noticed more shopping bags with underwear she never wore when we were together...why am I torturing myself like this. I must continually read your posts to make me see sense and snap out of this stupid behaviour.
PM, I am so glad you are contributing as I dearly need a woman's perspective and views to help me see what I need to/not do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Kev, I read Coach's stitch and the main difference which he himself says saved his marriage was the fact his wife was prepared to work at the marriage. My WAW wants out, and as quickly as possible, so I know 'It takes one to tango' will not work, so as you both have said, I need to work on myself and help my children.
By the way, is there any way posts can be saved for future reference?
Lastly, I want to thank you all for giving me perspective and hope. I will take your advice on board and do what you both suggest as it would be disrespectful to you if I did not take heed of what you are telling me. Please continue to post, without you all I would be lost. I cannot wait to get home these days to see if I have received any responses to my posts when I am confused and low. I certainly feel better knowing the advice you have given me will be put to good effect.
Bless you all.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Mark, I did not reconcile yet but I most definitely will. Mark, I was in a quite similar situation, my wife two years ago was saying that I was a terrible parent, now she says the opposite. If you can convince her, by your long term actions that you are a good daddy indeed, than you a half way back to having your family together. Also, I can not even say how beneficial this would be for you and your kids. Take the responsibility for them. Now what I think is good in your situation is to tell your wife, or even wright her a letter that you understand why did she walked away, that you do not beg her to reconcile, but from now on you wish to be a great father. This you may need to draw a line to show her - before it was an old you and now you are different. But Mark it took you years to get you where you are now, and may take many months to get out. Next please do not get anxious about what she does when you stay with kids. First at all this is destructive and it is completely out of your control. Better concentrate on kids. Even if she does have an affair, which is not likely, this does not mean she is happy in her new relationship. But I think she just needs a time for herself. Best, Art
I have read some of your situation and I really hope you get through this troubled time. I did not want to hijack your posts because I need to ask a question that PositivlyMommy sent to you in a recent post.
She said because your wife is showing lots of emotion rather than apathy she still cares and your situation is not DONE. With my situation my wife is fast tracking to divorce for whatever reason but I believe is still in turmoil because of the argument we had on Monday over money. We then seemed to go back to our relationship when she said she never loved me, doesn't like me and it is the best thing for us and the children etc. My question is (and I hope PM can provide some advice)as my wife cannot wait to be divorced is my situation DONE?
At the moment there is absolutely no way my wife will reconcile and we will definately divorce. That is not pessimism it is fact. As I have said I will concentrate on the children and me as you and PM advised brilliantly, but does anyone believe there is a path back or are we too far gone?
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
