Puppy, You say it right " I'd rather know what I'm dealing with, and act accordingly." If you are in a position when you can act then get all the info and do smth. But most of us are not in such position. Moreover, I think that in most cases best action is to remain positive, cheerful and supportive. Therefore all my action will be a prayer to get a strength and brains. I have to help my wife to get through this- because I she needs my help. And all the specifics that I may get will make me less capable to help her. But this may be just my personality
Again, I think that action is good only when you can confront your wife. But if she told you that everything is over how can you? Good thing that if you really were soulmates ones she will never be happy with anybody else. Especially if you have kids
Thank you for your response. You're right, I did everything you did and I am still trying to find something, in fact I went around to the house yesterday which my wife knew about and she immediately accused me of snooping. We had a big row about money which was resolved, and I am trying to go dim which was a positive step (until yesterday) enabling my wife and I to have conversations without arguing. My strategies via DR have not worked so far because my wife is so distant from me and is working to the divorce as quickly as possible.
She wants to offload the children during the times when she officially has them, its clear to me why - to spend more time with OP. I am in a moral dilemma here because I feel I am fueling her affair by taking my children, though I want to see my children as often as possible. As soon as I have my children my mind goes into overdrive wondering what my wife is doing. I must STOP thinking about her as we all know there is nothing we can do or say to a WAW, but concentrate on the children and me. This is so hard, I have problems focusing on things other than the situation, I know if I am being honest with myself we are divorcing, my wife confirms it and says this will be better for both of us as I do not make her happy. The decree absolute comes in 8 to 10 weeks so things are going to get worse before it gets any better.
I do hope you are right about WAW's realising they were wrong, but I believe even if she did realise I don't think she would come back to me because of the issues we had, grown apart, no love, respect or trust. I think she will quite happily move on with her life withh the children until she finds somebody else who will make her happy. I have made changes which I think have been noticed but in her current state means nothing to her, so I will just keep upbeat, which was confirmed to her by a close friend of hers who saw me yesterday. My wife said to me "Sarah said you seemed very happy", I said yes I am even though inside I'm not, but at least it was noticed so to me this is a baby step positive I will continue to do as per DR.
Thank you for your prayers also Art.
Best wishes,
Mark
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Have very little time, so all I can say is that you are not "fueling her affair" by taking care of kids. In fact this is the best thing which you can do, both for them, for yourself and your marriage. I wish you never end in D. However, even if you do ~15 % of divorced couples remarry again.
When I think about it I know we were never really soul mates. I think we have sort of co-existed for a long time, and I lost my mind when I started to take my wife for granted. It has only been these last four months that I have analysed all the situations, outings, things we did together etc, and to be honest we have not done a great deal together. I know now what a fool I have been in ignoring my wife, but unfortunately I think things have gone beyond repair.
I will continue to GAL, PMA and DR as I must keep trying to get my wife back. We all know it will take time, I've heard for every year you have been married it takes approximately one month to repair a relationship. This in my case would be 15 months, but I am prepared to stick this out even when my wife is/will be in a PA with someone which will be devastating to me. I just hope I know when I need to drop the rope because I do not want to spend my life hoping my wife will come back to me.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Puppy, You say it right " I'd rather know what I'm dealing with, and act accordingly." If you are in a position when you can act then get all the info and do smth.
I don't even understand what this means.
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Moreover, I think that in most cases best action is to remain positive, cheerful and supportive.
Positive and cheerful, yes. I would disagree with "supportive." Why should a betrayed spouse "support" their cheating spouse's affair? To do so, especially financially (ex.: paying for her cellphone) is to enable the bad behavior.
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And all the specifics that I may get will make me less capable to help her. But this may be just my personality
Here's something we can agree on. If your own personality and temperament is such that you don't think you can handle what the intel will show (and it can be incredibly painful), then no, one shouldn't "snoop." But even then, I tend to be in favor of doing it INITIALLY, just to confirm what's going on, and then drop it once you do.
I just don't see how "flying in the dark" is helpful in these situations.
Have very little time, so all I can say is that you are not "fueling her affair" by taking care of kids. In fact this is the best thing which you can do, both for them, for yourself and your marriage. I wish you never end in D. However, even if you do ~15 % of divorced couples remarry again.
Mark, I do not know whether I am a good adviser. I myself was married for 13 years, if you count only happy years, and I spent over two years trying to fix what should had never be broken. Your are just recently separated, let me tell you what I think is important 1) At this stage your wife probably hates you. If you feel so, try to be helpful to your wife, i.e. double your time with kids, do many little helpful things, trying at the same time, not to annoy her with your excessive presence. In other words you should try to brake a stereotype she has about you and at the same time stay detached- it is not easy by the way. 2)This is most important, from my perspective, and many would disagree with me. Here is the thing- as difficult as it is now, you are a man and you should take care of your family. You have to stay away from you wife for a while, but you may take an initiative about college savings for your kids, you may plan a summer break together with them. Your wife is a different thing now, but try to be supportive when she talk of her career or work related problems or show some respect when you discuss her friends or relatives etc. As I see it women seek a support and whether you play 180 or not you should be there when she needs it. What concerns the money I would avoid talking of them. I would not even think of them. 3) Concerning her potential affair please consider this: she is emotionally not ready now, just few months after the separation. She may see somebody out of pure anger at you, but this is smth different and hopefully will end soon. Anyway if she is in the affair right now, then every time she sees you, she is comparing you with another guy, so please stay cool. I also think it is not so easy to replace a loving husband and father with any other person Take care, Art
Puppy, I really can not justify what I am saying, but I just feel that any information that your spouse did not share with you on her own will not make you any good.
