BUNS, ABS, AND HEART OF STEEL #3

[TRUSTING]

I hope one day he comes to a stop sign.

[job]

Trusting,
A lot of them do the driving around w/o any thought of why or where they are going. They suddenly pull up and immediately think that everyone should give a shout of joy. They can't tell you why they did it either. Some day....he will hit the stop sign and wake up.

Enjoy your Saturday.

[cagzmom]

I just hope he SEEs the stop sign BEFORE he ruins any more lives.

[TRUSTING]

So true Cagz......

Not too much new with my sitch.

Kids say the fights with OW are terrible and ugly.

OW clawed ex's face the other week. The 4 year old said it started bleeding.

Ex walks around telling the kids constantly that he "has no regrets in getting rid of me". What an inappropriate thing to say to your children regarding their mother.

It is funny now, those things don't really hit my heart like they use to. That searing pain we all have felt when we find out something appalling or the Ml'er says something demeaning, hateful, or nasty toward us.

Now it is just a "twinge" and then I move forward or just focus on what I was doing. We have learned that if we concentrate on every hateful thing the ML'er does we will become hateful..... So we let pass. I guess this is what detachment is all about.

We are only successful though at detachment if we are able to process the horrible thing and not let it affect ourselves or others. We have to be careful that we don't take this anger we feel and dump it on someone else. That would make us as bad as the ML'er. I am guilty of doing this, but awareness is the key. If you are aware that this happens, you can control it.

Thus, the difference between us and the ML'er is awareness. Awareness is the ability to look within, a sense of self, an examination of the soul. I really feel my Ml'er has never examined himself. He has never taken the time to get to know who he is, what he believes in, and who his higher power is. He has always just focused on superficial things like, what do I need to acquire, when will I make my first million, and are my teeth white enough.

God knows if we did not have awareness before, as standers we sure have it now. We had to take a hard road in examining ourselves, our boundaries and our belief system. As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human. Thus the birth of the "alien".

The difficulty in reconciling or restoring this marriage is finding a common ground with our souls. Meeting each other halfway, wanting to fix what is broken. It requires divine intervention. That is the only explanation for those people who have made a better marriage out of this mess. That and a hell of a lot of work.

Even though our fate is not clear to us, we need to move on. We all wonder if we will get that opportunity to work on our marriages. Some of us have decided that it is not worth it. Whatever one decides, it is ok. One thing I do know is this, our future relationships will be more meaningful, less superficial, special, more loving and expressive. We will stop and smell the roses so to speak. No more taking one for granted. Our lives are forever changed for the better.

[Upside]

Even though our fate is not clear to us, we need to move on. We all wonder if we will get that opportunity to work on our marriages. Some of us have decided that it is not worth it. Whatever one decides, it is ok. One thing I do know is this, our future relationships will be more meaningful, less superficial, special, more loving and expressive. We will stop and smell the roses so to speak. No more taking one for granted. Our lives are forever changed for the better.

Amen!

[tpaschal]

Wow, Trusting. That was awesome. So many things you have written have truly inspired me. I'm not sure I've ever told you that. This really spoke to my heart today.

Sometimes I still struggle to believe that my life has been changed for the better, but other times I do see glimpses of it. At least, I am starting to see the possibilities.

I see so many similarities in a lot of the MLCer's. My exH also never took the time to examine himself. ...Well.....maybe that's not completely true. He acknowledged some of his insecurities, but I don't think either one of us realized how low his self-esteem really was or how deeply those insecurities affected him. He never tried to find out WHY he judged himself and everyone around him so harshly, or why he felt like a personal failure if his incredibly high expectations for every area of his life weren't met.

He wasn't a completely superficial person. He was a very good and moral man, and a wonderfully loving and generous husband and father. But he was always striving for his ideal of perfection, which did include a lot of superficial trappings. (Money, job success, social standing, a big house, high achieving kids.) And when his life didn't measure up to his expectations---or more importantly, when it DID measure up to most of his expectations only for him to realize he still wasn't "happy" and still didn't feel better about himself---he didn't know how to deal with it. And to top it off, he started freaking out about turning 40.

Instead of examining his fears and insecurities to figure out why he was feeling the way he was feeling, instead of being honest with me, instead of going to counseling, instead of making a conscious effort to work on the specific areas of his life he was unhappy with, instead of learning how to set personal goals while still being content with the blessings he already had, instead of turning to a higher power---it was easier to blame me for every bad feeling in his life. It was easier to run away and try to reinvent himself with someone new who didn't know any of his fears and weaknesses and insecurities and shameful feelings about himself.

It was easier to direct his anger and hate toward me instead of toward himself. And it still is.

He has changed a lot of the superficial things about himself---his appearance, his clothing, his bed partner, his circle of friends---but he is still the same person with the same problems. He hasn't done any work on himself. He is still lashing out at me and blaming me for all his problems, even though we separated 26 months ago, bimbOW moved in with him 23 months ago, and the divorce was final 5 months ago. He still blames others for everything that goes wrong.

It seems that this is a common story in MLC land, especially with the MLCer's who turn into "monsters."

I, on the other hand, have become aware of a lot of things about myself. Some pleasant, some extremely unpleasant. I am not blameless in what went wrong in my marriage. Some things I should have and easily could have done differently. There are some things about myself I don't like and have changed or am still striving to change. Other things I have realized are a part of who I am, a part of what makes me ME, and aren't necessarily "bad" and don't really need to be changed.

I am coming to terms with the fact that his decision to forsake his marriage vows, to turn his back on his children, to run away from his promises and commitments and responsibilities is HIS choice, NOT my failure. I am trying to stop beating myself up for not being a perfect wife. I am realizing that even if I had been perfect in every way, PERFECTION DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE. Me being perfect would not have fixed what was wrong in his heart and mind.

As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human.

I love how you put this. I'm finding this to be true. I do feel light years beyond exH now. Not better than him really, just further along in my life's journey. He's gone back to adolescence; I've graduated to true adulthood. I know that he CAN reach this point someday, too, and I pray that he will. (Sooner rather than later would be good!) ;-)

When this whole MLC mess started, so many people told me that I would find happiness again. Some even said that I would eventually come to realize that this was the best thing that ever happened to me. (I don't know that I'll ever reach that point, as nothing could make the pain and betrayal my kids continue to suffer through worth it.)

But I do see now that what both my doctor and my counselor told me was very true---they both said that most men who walk out on their families eventually "wake-up" and realize that they've made a mistake, but that most often it's too late to "go home" because their wives have moved on. My counselor said sometimes it's because the woman has new love in her life, but often it's just that she has grown and changed so much that the man can't catch up. (And I know that this applies equally to WAW's and Left Behind Husbands.)

I have to keep moving forward down the path of life that God has in store for me. I hope that at some point I will meet another soul along the way and we can travel together through the rest of life. Maybe exH will catch up to me and be that person, but maybe it will be someone new. That is in God's hands.

Trusting, hope you are having a beautiful day. Thanks again for what you wrote.

[kjensen]

We are only successful though at detachment if we are able to process the horrible thing and not let it affect ourselves or others. We have to be careful that we don't take this anger we feel and dump it on someone else. That would make us as bad as the ML'er. I am guilty of doing this, but awareness is the key. If you are aware that this happens, you can control it.

Well stated. I have been feeling the anger lately and I'm trying my best to be aware of why I hurt/angry and not dump on the people around me. Detachment isn't easy!

Thus, the difference between us and the ML'er is awareness. Awareness is the ability to look within, a sense of self, an examination of the soul. I really feel my Ml'er has never examined himself. He has never taken the time to get to know who he is, what he believes in, and who his higher power is.

I think my H had some periods of self-examination, but it is so true that now he has entered a MLC he has no awareness whatsoever of what he is going through. He says he's too young to have a MLC(he's 44!)..And its as if he does not want to know...

[TRUSTING]

Upside, Tpaschel, Kjen,

Thanks for all your comments. Mid life crisis is so deep, with so many facets. Sometimes it brings out the deepest of feelings.

[TRUSTING]

My daughter came home from school and asked to go shopping. I told her I could not today. She became somewhat disrespectful and I took her phone away due to that. She used the house phone and called her father to take her shopping. She was trying to use our situation to her advantage.

I called my ex and told him what had happened. He was somewhat supportive in not feeding into her manipulation as teen agers will do.

We talked and I told him that even though we are no longer together, I feel we need to be good parents and come together on some of this teen age manipulation.

He agreed. I told him that I struggle with how difficult it is to parent in a divorce. He agreed. He stated he hates what the divorce has caused. He played down big time his part in it, but I felt this was a huge step.

I felt we had actually connected for the first time in many years

[Lord Grenville]

Trusting - when I read your post today, I again saw (in my mind's eye) your words and sentences, as though they were typeset in a published book. I hope you will consider starting, if you have not already, writing down all your insights in a notebook that might grow into a manuscript!

Trusting wrote:Thus, the difference between us and the ML'er is awareness. Awareness is the ability to look within, a sense of self, an examination of the soul.

I agree completely. In the past year, I have become a student in a two-year interfaith chaplaincy program. I have to present a report on the ancient religion of Jainism in about 8 days, so yesterday, I drove down to the Jain Center of Greater Boston for a second visit to their Temple. Jains place great importance on looking within and examining one's soul in order to refine who we are and to evolve to higher planes.

The Jain Temple in Norwood has many of their teachings hung on the walls to educate and remind the community of what to strive for. As I was reading the placard for their 5 primary mahavratas, or vows, I could not help thinking, about how relevant they are to MLCs and how nearly impossible it would be for a MLCer to practice Jainism!:

1. Ahimsa - The vow of non harm. Not only to not kill, but not to emotionally harm another.

2. Satya - The vow not to lie.

3. Non-Stealing. Maybe this would apply to not stealing another person's spouse too?

4. Bramacharaya - The vow to be chaste.

5. Aparigraha - The vow to renounce property and material objects. So much for the new sports car and MLC bling...

Trusting wrote:...As we progress through our journey the distance between our souls and the Ml'ers get farther and farther apart. Our growth is staggering, our pain monumental. The Ml'ers are so far away from us they no longer appear human. Thus the birth of the "alien".

The Jains and Hindus oftentimes use the metaphor of spiritual practice serving the purpose of a raft, with the goal of moving across the waters, which can be rough, to get to the other side which is the next place of experience. How many times have we LBS's felt like we are on the raft, trying to keep things together, and also wanting to reach out to rescue our spouse who has fallen off the raft, and is being swept in the current toward rocks and maybe even a waterfall? We learn that we cannot rescue them, and we might even have to let go of the rope as they are further and further from us. It is a nightmare to be in this situation, and unfortunately, unlike most nightmares, we cannot just wake up and shake it off as a bad dream.

Trusting wrote:The difficulty in reconciling or restoring this marriage is finding a common ground with our souls. Meeting each other halfway, wanting to fix what is broken. It requires divine intervention. That is the only explanation for those people who have made a better marriage out of this mess. That and a hell of a lot of work.

This is the question that really intrigues me. Is it possible through prayer or meditation to increase the chances of divine intervention? I wonder if the high success rate of Retrouvaille is partly due to the fact that a Retrouvaille weekend creates a spiritual common ground where the souls of the two individuals connect - not just the egos meshing like you get in most counseling sessions? Unfortunately, it does require both spouses to agree to coming together at the common ground. My wife has declined attending Retrouvaille the four times I have asked her in the past couple of years.


Trusting wrote:Even though our fate is not clear to us, we need to move on. We all wonder if we will get that opportunity to work on our marriages. Some of us have decided that it is not worth it. Whatever one decides, it is ok...Our lives are forever changed for the better.

I am struggling with this right now. My W has not filed, and has not talked about meeting with a divorce lawyer in many months. I want to move on toward a positive future, but I am still on my raft in the river.

I will probably get a new thread going to expand more on my thoughts.

Thanks again, Trusting, for your excellent posts which get great discussions going!

LG