I realize I sound like a one-trick-pony, but this sudden coldness is a classic sign of re-established contact with a since-jettisoned OM.
Earlier you said to me:
Quote:
Of course that was one of my first fears, having been around here long enough to be aware of how things go. But yes, I am sure there is no other. I have no doubt there may have been thoughts of others, but it didn't get to that point.
On what, exactly, do you base this belief, other than your own hope?
Actually Puppy, I am in full realization that there could be an OM.. possibly just an internet EA, perhaps even a PA.. In fact I suspect there is some level, even if it was just thinking about it - I think this because of the sudden accusation of "checking up on her" - I know enough to know that that is usually a reaction to something to check up on.
Its funny how WAS spout how they have nothing to hide, yet if you look they get REALLY angry. and I also know that anger is often the hiding place for guilt.
Does not change the fact that I want to renew my M with my W, and it has really seemed for the last few weeks that she also whole heartedly wanted this. It could be a pipe dream for me, it could be she really is nervous. I suspect perhaps it is a bit of guilt for EA/PA and wondering if trust can ever be rebuilt. Perhaps she feels that she must disclose whatever it is, and does not want to think about it. In some ways I hope that she does disclose something - I am already ready with my response, and have practiced it over and over in my head.
"I know. I have known you long enough to know what is happening. That does not change my love for you, and if you are ready and willing to work on restoring our M to better than ever, I am ready also. I love you unconditionally, nothing will change that."
I just have to be careful and not jump the gun. If she says "I have something to tell you" its not time for the response. I have to let her tell me first. Else she will just get mad and ask how I could accuse her of just what she was about to tell me. Been there, done that.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
How well do you know what your W wants. There were a couple of books that I thought were good ("Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men" and "For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women"). These can help you better understand women and what we as guys can do to make ourselves the best for them.
There is a really good free newsletter (and blog) by David Cunningham that you can subsribe to. Just google "David Cunningham Making Her Happy" to find it. It might give you some ideas as to what your W is needing and how you can fulfill her.
If she is having an EA/PA, the situation is much more difficult as I am sure you are aware.
What is the point of forcing conflict? To resolve and move forward, we have to get to a place where we both see the M moving forward. If for now that means she keeps an EA/PA from me, and I let us build up again from scratch, how is that wrong?
I know it may not be a popular thought, especially with someone like you who seems to think that EA/PA is the worst thing that can happen, but look at it this way - I was not satisfying a need. She had that need filled. I realize it and begin to fill the need again, no need for OP.
The reality is an EA/PA is not the hard part. Hell, we both were with someone before we got married, and many people get together/separate/get together again before marriage. The hard part is of course the betrayal and dishonesty. THAT is hard, but unfortunately at this point in our relationship it just really isn't the time to discuss it. We need firmer ground before we go there.
I appreciate your differing point of view, and who knows, perhaps at some point I will get there too, but for right now, I know what I want - I want a long and happy life with my W. It is just time to rebuild it one brick at a time.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Things are going pretty well. W and I are talking alot, though there are still distant moments. I have to remember where we were just a few weeks ago, and know that even if there is nothing but what has happened between us, W has a lot of fear and pain to work through. I can honestly see from her point of view that big talks about big futures together can be somewhat hard to swallow - we have been here before and back in the throws of passion for each other, yet drifted again. I do see that W is actively working on us, and I need to leave space for her to sort out her feelings, and make sure I continue to work on myself. For Me first, and for W second, I need to be the best Man, Father, and Husband possible.
It is difficult when she says she has a lot she is thinking about, but, honestly, there is a lot in life to think about. I have to stop letting her thinking bother me - for all I know she is thinking about good futures!
We have a nice plan for some time alone together next week, and both of us are talking about it with anticipation - she is worried a bit about our kids, as this will be the first time since their births that both of us will be away for any amount of time, but they are old enough and will be in good hands. It will be good for all of us!
Looking through this board can sometimes be painful - seeing others going through what I have gone through, does bring back those painful memories, but in some ways I think this is important - letting the pain fade too much and become the stuff of occasional nightmares made it too easy to forget to pay attention to my M. A good M does not happen on its own, anyone who tells you differently is a LAIR! Without careful tending, all R's will gradually.
And, after my last outcry - today has been a good day so far. Lots of contact from W, all very positive. I know it seems strange for someone like me not seperated from my W to take such joy in regular contact during the day, but honestly, where we were a few weeks /months ago, I had forgotten just how much W brightens my day, so I try to make sure I appreciate the joy in her contact. I know that she sees and feels it in return, and it is important to her.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
