Sam, please take this in the friendly way it is intended...
::whack with 2x4::
Originally Posted By: Sam1007
I really don't have any expectations for MC, except that I hope that it will help her with her depressive state of mind. (snip)
I do think that if she starts to think in a little bit more positive way about things, including our M, that it will steer her in the direction of a reconciliation. I really believe that the only thing that is holding her back from moving back in is that she wants to feel sexual desire for me. And I don't think she has any sexual desire at all right now. Maybe the MC might be able to help with that aspect also?
Uh, those sound like expectations to me. And the second one is a BIG and UNREASONABLE one. It's one session. There is no guarantee there will be any more at this point.
Back to the basics - you cannot control what your W feels or does. You can only control yourself. What do you want to get out of this MC session?
I use the 2x4 because I love...
I don't mean to discourage you, just want to see you grounded in reality.
pearl,
You are totally right!! I take your 2x4 knowing that I deserved it. Those are expectations. Especially the last one is a big and unreasonable one. I did not realize how it sounded until you posted it back to me.
Now, I just want to clarify a few things about where I come from so you have the whole background. That is NOT to try and prove you wrong, because you are not!!! I DO deserve your 2x4 and I realize that I should not have ANY expectations whether regarding our R/M or her state of mind. You called me on that and I appreciate that! That's what friends do, they speak their mind, they don't just say what they think you want to hear. So please bear with me for a few paragraphs.
I did not mean to say that MC could help her desire for me, but desire in general. I guess where I was coming from was that she is a rape victim (~20 yrs ago) and her "drive" has been dropping off gradually since several years before the "bomb". Several people that know about this and know us both very well have told me that she may still be dealing with that at some level. In the current sitch, she's told me that she feels intimate with me in all aspects, except sexually. But you are still completely right that it's not a couple of MC sessions that are going to deal with that, and it's unreasonable to expect that, so I won't.
I also do want to say that the main reason for me to arrange the MC session is because she said she felt really free to talk to the MC last time we went, and she needs help. Since the start of the separation, she's been sick, in and out of the hospital for chest pains and other conditions, she's collapsed (fainted) once and ended up in the ER, and in general she's completely stressed out. She's admitted to me that she needs help. Others in my family and hers tell me and her that she needs help. I just took the opportunity of her long depressing email as a chance to arrange for that help. And primarily for her to get out of her downward spiral that she's in. She tells me she's not happy right now and I honestly DO want her to be happy! If she was happy right now being on her own without me, I would be able to accept that she's just not happy with me, but she's not and she tells me so. She also told me that's she's not sure MC is going to help "us" and I told her that is fine, the main reason is for her to feel better and get her life in order. I told her that if that helps "us" in the end, then even better, but first she needs help to figure out why she's not happy on her own.
As far as what I want out of MC? I want to discuss my depression/mini-MLC I had a few years back with her and understand more fully how I can prevent slipping down so deep into a depression in the future. I certainly want to avoid the effect it had on my current M in the future, whether in this M or in any new R's.
As I posted earlier, I fully realize that MC could make us go in any direction, even the ones I don't want. So I will NOT have ANY expectation, we'll see what happens.
Thanks for the wack in the head pearl! Seriously! I needed someone to set me straight.
In all seriousness, it's a good thing she pointed that out. Even though I honestly believed I did not have any expectations, secretly they did crawl in under the radar. That's the kind of stuff that sets you up for big dissappointment.
Sam..yes indeed!! It is REALLY great that someone takes the time to look at our sitch with "outside eyes" and sees things that we sometimes miss ourselves isn't it?
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
W picked up boys just now. One of them didn't want to go, was throwing a HUGE scene while W picks him up to put him in the car. Those are the moments I really hate!! Those are also the moments that I want to keep going... Just makes me want to ask W: "Is me ignoring you while I go through a depression (it's not like I was doing it on purpose and I was hurting during that time too!) really worth making the kids have to make a choice between mommy and daddy for the rest of their lives? Am I really that bad a of a husband right now that it is worth it putting the kids through this?" I just don't get it sometimes.... Actually, NO! I just don't get it PERIOD!
W calls me 10 min later saying he's fine now and he really just wanted her to buy him a toy, he was just "using" us. Well, I can still hear him crying in the background, so he didn't sound OK to me...
I know Gucci and PDT are strong proponents of taking hard stance, but to me it feels like I am playing roulette with my kids' lives. It's becoming more and more about the kids for me. I do still love my W tremendously! I know I could be happy with her if she would be more like a family mom. She wouldn't need to be a stay-at-home mom, but just someone that enjoys the kids and makes them a priority. It feels like they are in her way all the time. For example, when she called me to tell me she wanted to pick them up, she did not say I miss them and I want to see them and I've got this and this lined up for me to do with them. No, it's I just want to give you a break so you can do what you want to do and sleep in tomorrow morning. Additionally, she's doing some of the cooking for a birthday party for one of her friends tonight, so I know they ARE gonna be in the way and will just be parked in front of the TV... She wasn't like this 3 years ago.... She used to be a dedicated mother for years....
Just a funny sidenote about her call: I was just talking to the neighbor (a single woman a few years older than I am) when W called and I actually purposely picked up while I was in mid-sentence to her about some cookies that the boys were eating. So I picked up the call, finished my sentence to her (2 sec or so) then said hello. Of course the boys are still talking to the neighbor and she is talking to them and W can hear that but doesn't mention it. When she gets to the house a little later, we are talking and all of a sudden she asks who I was talking to when she called and said she heard a woman there with me and the boys. I told her it was the neighbor, because she has a right to know who is with our kids and I wouldn't want her to lie about who is with our kids when they are with her. But I thought it was funny that she couldn't help asking.
{{{{Sam}}}}} I do like that little side note..nice to make her THINK just for a second isn't it?!
Also..you know, Amy and I talk about this every once in a while and say "were we so bad or was I that bad that.." and NO..of course you weren't Sam..you know better than that (2 x 4 inserted here)..there IS no rationalizing the irrational actions that the spouses do my friend!! I just don't want you to think you EVER were the sole or even main cause of this..YOU are working your brains out trying to help yourself and your family..that says a lot about you my friend
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
