I've been contemplating the same issue with my ring this weekend. I feel like I want to wear it bc it means a lot to me and reminds me of my commitment and that I am still married, but I feel like a fake wearing it lately. I also think H will see it as a sign I'm moving on if I take it off. So I'd be interested to see what others say.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
Ring is a really tough question, and I think the answer has to be personal.
You have to do what you feel suits your feelings and emotions. It can be a bit painful sometimes looking at that ring and knowing you are still dedicated to your vows, and feeling that your S is not currently dedicated to those vows. However, it can also be strengthening - a personal declaration of your feelings, that you are not giving up.
Dont worry about the message either sends to your spouse. If they ask, you dont have to answer, and if you want to answer, you answer honestly:
"I still wear my ring because I am still dedicated to my vow and our R. I understand that you are not it the same place right now but I cannot let that alter my (feelings, commitment, whatever word suits)"
"I took my ring off because at this point in our R, while I am still dedicated to our M and would like us to resolve our differences, it is a symbol of our united commitment, which is not an honest reflection of the current state of our M. If and when that reflection is accurate again, I will wear it proudly."
Wearing a ring for your commitment is not fake. Taking it off for fear of what others say/do/thinks is much more fake.
Do what reflects you.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
Thanks for all the responses - I agree it's a very personal choice and I'm going to take some time to think about my choice. "Do what reflects me"... hmmm, something to think about for sure! I forgot to put my ring back on one day last week and I felt naked! So, for now it stays on while I give it more thought.
I'm off to a good week. Signed up for a 10K in Colorado called the Bolder Boulder. I'm going to run it with my sister (well run/walk!) and I haven't ran it in almost ten years. It definitely feels like a GAL move and more importantly, it makes me happy. It is quite a thrill to run into the CU stadium at the end with the crowd, etc. So, that's something to look forward to.
Thanks for the encouragement. Joining a beginners group is a great idea. I know I can't run the whole thing, but it'll be fun.
I'm having a tough day and I don't know exactly why. I took the day off from work and went to a baseball game with a male friend of mine and his sister. It was fun, but I found myself thinking about my H so much! I also got a text from H during the game that he'd transferred a cc balance to a new card, so I could close mine. Another sign that he's taking some responsibility, which is good.
I tried to reach out with a 'what's new with u' text, but he didn't have much to say and I know I can't push.
I know that GAL is what I need to do, but sometimes it just stinks. I wish we could just talk... no romance, no ILYs, I just want some conversation! Ugh!
Snapped myself out of that lil' funk! Went to my tennis/cardio class tonight and laughed a lot again. We run all over the court chasing balls and giggling like kids!
Reminds me to find joy in little things... a good book, music, emailing with an old friend. Stuff just for me and amazingly I feel better. Also, when I'm feeling hopeless (like earlier today) a quick prayer to thank God for His comfort and love. I have to Let Go, and Let God do His work.
This is my time to work on me - my shortcomings, my judgments and agendas - and my H's time to work on himself, as he chooses. It's tough being in the dark without any communication but maybe it's necessary to teach me better patience and true unconditional love.
Had dinner at a friend's house tonight. So good to catch up and laugh about HS and college days. She is a blast and I've missed her so much. Why did I stop making time for her and vice versa? Not sure but this was a great night and I hope to see her more often now.
She asked me what I plan to do after the kids go to college... and it got me thinking. H and I always hoped to move to the mnts and it seems that's still his plan for the fall but what will I do... the possibilities are wide open. As my friend said, you could move away... you could do anything you want...?
Wow. I still am DB'g and praying daily for us and hope H will decide to give our M another chance. But, if it doesn't work out the possibilities are wide open. I could get my little place in the mnts myself. I could relocate wherever I want...
I'm reading a new book that I like. It's called Before The Last Resort. Good advice, step by step. 1st one is to write down a verse from Jeremiah about God being the creator of all, and is there anything He can not do...
So, no, there's nothing He can't do. And I need to stay out of the way, work on me, and let Him do His work.
Learned a new skill yesterday. H always maintained the lawnmower, cars, etc. and I went to mow the grass yesterday and the mower wouldn't start up. Read up on the web about air filters, etc. and talked to my BF's hubby about changing out the spark plug, old gas, etc. Had to go get some tools from my BIL b/c H only left me a few screwdrivers and got the parts I needed at the store.
My neighbor then offered to help me, so I learned out to change the sparkplug, drain the old gas, take apart the blade, etc. It was fun! Unfortunately it's still not working so my friend will try to come by today to look at it, and I may have to take it to a shop. But it was empowering to take care of some of the stuff myself and learn what to do next time.
My H really disliked yardwork and always wanted to be biking or kayaking instead. I think maybe it was just overwhelming the work owning a house requires. If I can knock out the unfinished projects bit by bit, I'm hoping when H comes back home he'll be glad he doesn't have to worry about those anymore and we can just have fun and work on our R. If he never comes home, then I've moved forward and took care of what needed to be done anyway!
Wow that's so great that you worked on the lawnmower! That is one of those things I would automatically think I 'can't' do. Those are all the things I need to start thinking differently about. You must feel really good about what you did. I need to keep that inspiration in mind every time I'm faced with a challenge. We are all capable of new and good things.
Me-27 H-28 M-2.5 yrs T-8.5 yrs No kids B 1/09 S 2/09
For the most part, I'm feeling very peaceful about my sitch. Not crying anymore, GAL and moving forward. Felt good to address the mower situation w/out contacting h. Just keeping praying and reminding myself that I can't control h. If h wants to work on us, he'll contact me. I know I'm happier at work and with friends. Not 'every' conversation with others is about h any more. I'm letting go (control) and letting God do His work.
In my weaker moments, I wonder if things have become too 'dark'. I had a text last week about a cc balance xfer and sm talk that I initiated. Nothing since. Before that, it was a week since we'd had lunch which he initiated but didn't seem to accomplish anything except he got to see that I'm taking care of myself, looking better, feeling better, etc. but then h came over to the house to clear out his tools and bike/kayak/etc.
I was re-reading DR re: the LRT and how to watch/observe... with the separation approaching 3 months, it's really hard to see any progress. But 3 months is less than many on the DB boards experience. It's just the lack of contact that makes it difficult to identify any forward-progress. Guess it just takes time and I have to keep working on my patience!
Went to my tennis/cardio class tonight even though I felt like skipping. Feel much better! Plans all weekend with the kids and doing more spring cleaning/decorating the house the way I want it. Plenty to do in the yard, but my sis reminding me the nephews and BILs can help me with things... just have to swallow my pride and ask for the muscle/power tool help when I need it.
This is my time to make myself a more patient, accepting and flexible person and a good role model to my children about how to handle adversity. Overall, doing well but I'm a 'work-in-progress'!
