Newbie - first post

[mnt_dreams]

The last month has been horrible but I think I'm starting to pick myself up off the floor.

My H announced a month ago that he wanted to go to my family's cabin for the weekend to "clear his head". We'd been arguing that previous week about a variety of issues, mostly revolving around what he wants to do and what I thought he needed to do. This is my second marriage and I have two teenage kids from the first. The kids have known H since they were 7 and 8, so he's been in their lives for nine years.

H is an avid skier and chooses ski days over time with the family all the time. He would like to live in the Colorado mountains and we have talked about moving up to the mtns after the kids are in college. Well, a few weeks ago he told me about a job opportunity that came up and it would be a lateral move with the same employer. Rather than being supportive, I shot the idea now straight away. Too many bills, gotta wait til the kids are gone, etc.

Well, the weekend at the cabin has now turned into a month away from home. We've met a couple times and I did everything wrong at first. Begged him to come back, tried giving him little gifts like a CD mix, picnic lunch, I've cried and I've tried the guilt trip. Nothing's worked. His position is he needs to get to the mountains ASAP, and can't be with me. He hasn't used the D word, but did want to separate finances this week.

Then I heard about the 180. For the last two weeks, I've been working on detaching. I told him I can't make him stay with me, and I'm sorry for not being supportive beforehand. I am trying to be encouraging about the job opportunity. I'm not calling or texting. Trying to stay low.

Complicated by a female co-worker that he's been talking to A LOT. I checked his cell phone records two times and asked twice about what was going on. He assured me they're just friends but I suspect there's at least an emotional affair going on. I think the bottom line with this is I can't control him or what he does anyway. I haven't brought up the friend since I started the 180.

We met this week to separate bills. I thought I handled it very calmly and tried to be friendly, asking some questions about the job opp and ski days... At the end of the discussion, I said I thought he was doing better. He agreed and said I did too. I nodded my head and then he said "are you really"? I looked away as not to cry and said yes, I was doing okay and I probably should go.

So, is that comment at the end a good sign or no sign at all? It's probably too early to tell if the 180 is working. Any words of wisdom for me? I'm trying to be hopeful, patient and just give him all the space he needs. But it's hard not being able to talk to my BF. I am reading DB and reading other posts on this site.

[Delil@h]

Hang in there sweetie.
It is about to be the weekend and it may seem like you don't get many posts.
Please explain a little more of your sitch so that others can better give advice.
Read the entire book cover to cover.
I was where you are almost 3 years ago.
I love your first line.
I FELT THE SAME WAY!
Like I had to use a ladle to gather myself up off the floor.
Trust me you will get better.
Keep posting here and keep reading.

I did end up turning things around and saved my M.
There are many beautiful people here who will help you.
I don't always post daily, but I will keep my eye on you as well.

I lived in Denver for a year .
The Mountains are breath taking and the weather there is to die for.
I loved it.
Take care and God bless,
Ali

[mnt_dreams]

Thanks for the response, Ali. It's wonderful to hear from someone that was able to turn things around. I'll keep posting and will read the book from cover to cover - thanks!

Colorado is beautiful and we live about 2 hours from the ski areas. H is 31, I just turned 44. So, a big age difference but we never felt like it mattered. Been married for five years, dated for three years beforehand. He had a tougher childhood with divorced parents, bounced around a lot. He always said that because he had to grow up early and take care of his special needs sister and parents at times, that he felt older than his age and I didn't act mine.

It seems he's having a bit of a MLC. Has grown more distant in the past six months. Not wanting to answer questions about what he's doing or who he's with. If there are women involved, I know I get touchy about it and need to work on my trust issues. Since Christmas, he's been pulling away. I've tried to draw him closer but that's had the exact opposite result.

He told me he feels stuck. Feels like he can't be at home and can't be with me. Says we've been moving in different directions. Is resentful of the time I spend with the kids (son's on the basketball team and this last season did take a lot of time). He didn't attend a single game. He just wants to be alone. He hasn't said I love you first in several months, and after reading up, I've stopped saying it as well.

I'm working on my personal responsibility for the sitch. I did put the kids' activities ahead of time with H. I passed on opportunities to do things like ski with him and I should have made him more of a priority in my life. I think I didn't quite know how to balance the needs of my spouse with those of my kids. I also was very quick to pass judgment on any ideas or concerns H would bring up, instead of really listening to him and validating his thoughts. For example, my dtr knew some friends that were smoking a hooka? and H offered to talk to her about it. I wanted to know what exactly he'd say, like I had to approve the conversation ahead of time. I wasn't trusting his judgment.

Logically I understand the 180 and how it should work. I think I'm doing a good job giving him the space he wanted, but I underestimated how difficult it is. Especially when my kids aren't home, I'm feeling lost. Every movie, song, etc. reminds me of him. Gotta find something new and different to keep myself distracted I guess.

[hopeful_cb]

Hi there,

I too can completely identify with your first line there! I feel the same way.

For me things started right before I was due to go away for 2 weeks without H. This is the 1st time since we've been married (2.5 yrs) that ive traveled out of country w.o him and for that long. He dropped the whole bomb about not being happy/not knowing what he wanted to do right before I left. But assured me to go ahead and go enjoy my time with my family that he was not going to make any decisions in 2 weeks time and we would discuss it when i got back. He said it would be good for him to have some time to think. By the time I got back he had decided he wanted to separate.

My H too seems to be having some kind of life crisis, some of the comments you posted sound similar to what my H has said. And he too has been talking a lot to a female co-worker, she was a friend of both of ours and he assures me they are just friends too. It is hard seeing someone you have been best friends(and M to) distancing from you and becoming better friends with someone else, especially another woman.

I too am pretty new to this and have been working on detaching and 180's for the last 3 weeks. I have had some positive results but very small steps.

My H is not asking for D either, so not sure what that means in all of this.

I too have had comments from H recently stating that 'I am doing better' and asking 'am I?' I felt like saying NO OF COURSE NOT! but I didnt!! I have wondered if it is out of guilt he is asking or because he really cares....

Sorry I am not able to offer too much advice, but I can offer support as I am trying a lot of the same as you right now! Just will keep seeing how it goes and trying to do better. I just had to comment as some of your statements ring true for me as well.

Good luck this weekend keeping busy and distracted.

cb

[sandi2]

Hi mnt_dreams and welcome to our community here on the DB board. You will meet your neighbors as they come to your "thread" (your story here) and make responses to your posts. If you look down close to the bottom on the list of forums, you will see abreveations that are used. Not all, but some common ones. It helps. Anyway, if you will reach out to others and respond to their posts, it will help you build up a support system quicker here on the board. When you want to "vent" your frustrations, it is best to tell us in advance that you are just blowing off some steam. Same thing when you are seeking advice....just say you need it.

There are all types of personalities here in the community but most of the "regulars" are very nice people and if you will stick with us, I think you will grow as a person and you will suvive your stitch whichever or however it may turn out.

After saying all of that, let me give my two cents worth on what I am thinking about your stitch (situation). Your H was probably very tied down to his responsibilities when he was a boy at home. I am sure he must have felt "trapped" in that. Then he married a woman who already had a family so that meant more responsibility......which is not to be a cop-out for wanting to "escape" his life with you and the kids, but he feels a "crisis" and unfortunately he has found another woman to talk to after you rejected his idea and desire to move where the snow and mountains are. He probably took it as you rejecting "him". Men are wired very different than the way we are and it is sure hard to understand them, but we make our mistake by thinking they should think like we do. They don't!

Reading the DR book is the best thing right now. Follow it to the letter. You are doing the right thing by backing off and giving him plenty of space and time to get his head together. However, I want to warn you that the worse is probably yet to come. You need to be prepared to discover that he is more involved with this OW than you even think at this time. I hope I am wrong, but it just seems to follow in most cases. He may even decide to move with you and the kids or he may leave you for this OW. So.....you need to think real hard to decide what it is you want, what you are willing to do and how long you are willing to wait. You need to know what the "deal breaker" will be for you in this R. You need to have boundaries set. Most of all, while he is away from you and the kids, you need to do a severe evaluation of yourself. Take a personal inventory and give yourself a grade of how your appearance is when you are out in public and when alone with your H. How is your personality? Have you gotten slack about some habits. Maybe formed some bad habits that you know he doesn't like, but you've kept doing them? Just get down to the nitty-gritty of everything from the tone of your voice to your laughter. Are you too loud at parties? Everything you can think of....try to see it through his eyes.

Now, while he is gone and maybe even spending time with the OW, your project will be do to an over-haul on yourself. Get a different hair-do. Maybe a differnt color to help make you look younger. Update your make-up and your ward robe. Get an exercise program going b/c it will give you energy, lift depression, lose weight and just be an over-all good plan. It even gives a person a sense of self-confidence! If you have self-esteem issues, then get some self-help books and read them. Make this time you have away from him as a time to work on yourself, so when he does see you again......you will knock his socks off by your improved appearence and personality and attitude. Attitude......oh, that gets us women in a lot of trouble sometimes, doesn't it? Maybe you need to work on that also and even "practice" having a postitive and uplifting, and happy attitude so when he comes home (hopefully), he will discover that you are once again, a fun person to be around. You need to become a person that

[sandi2]

Hi mnt_dreams and welcome to our community here on the DB board. You will meet your neighbors as they come to your "thread" (your story here) and make responses to your posts. If you look down close to the bottom on the list of forums, you will see abbreviations that are used. Not all, but some common ones. It helps. Anyway, if you will reach out to others and respond to their posts, it will help you build up a support system quicker here on the board. When you want to "vent" your frustrations, it is best to tell us in advance that you are just blowing off some steam. Same thing when you are seeking advice....just say you need it.

There are all types of personalities here in the community but most of the "regulars" are very nice people and if you will stick with us, I think you will grow as a person and you will survive your stitch whichever or however it may turn out.

After saying all of that, let me give my two cents worth on what I am thinking about your stitch (situation). Your H was probably very tied down to his responsibilities when he was a boy at home. I am sure he must have felt "trapped" in that. Then he married a woman who already had a family so that meant more responsibility......which is not to be a cop-out for wanting to "escape" his life with you and the kids, but he feels a "crisis" and unfortunately he has found another woman to talk to after you rejected his idea and desire to move where the snow and mountains are. He probably took it as you rejecting "him". Men are wired very different than the way we are and it is sure hard to understand them, but we make our mistake by thinking they should think like we do. They don't!

Reading the DR book is the best thing right now. Follow it to the letter. You are doing the right thing by backing off and giving him plenty of space and time to get his head together. However, I want to warn you that the worse is probably yet to come. You need to be prepared to discover that he is more involved with this OW than you even think at this time. I hope I am wrong, but it just seems to follow in most cases. He may even decide to move without you and the kids or he may leave you for this OW. So.....you need to think real hard and decide what it is you want, what you are willing to do and how long you are willing to wait. You need to know what the "deal breaker" will be for you in this R. You need to have boundaries set. Most of all, while he is away from you and the kids, you need to do a severe evaluation of yourself. Take a personal inventory and give yourself a grade of how your appearance is when you are out in public and when are at the house all day.... and when you are alone with your H. How is your personality? Have you gotten slack about some habits. Maybe formed some bad habits that you know he doesn't like, but you've kept doing them? Just get down to the nitty-gritty of everything from the tone of your voice to your laughter. Are you too loud at parties? Do you use bad language or anything that would appear unlady-like? Everything you can think of....try to see it through his eyes.

Now, while he is gone and maybe even spending time with the OW, your project will be do to an over-haul on yourself. Get a different hair-do. Maybe a different color to help make you look younger. Update your make-up and your ward robe. Get an exercise program going b/c it will give you energy, lift depression, lose weight and just be an over-all good plan. It even gives a person a sense of self-confidence! If you have self-esteem issues, then get some self-help books and read them. Make this time you have away from him as a time to work on yourself, so when he does see you again......you will knock his socks off by your improved appearance and personality and attitude. Attitude......oh, that gets us women in a lot of trouble sometimes, doesn't it? Maybe you need to work on that also and even "practice" having a positive and uplifting, and happy attitude so when he comes home (hopefully), he will discover that you are once again, a fun person to be around. You need to become a person that he had rather be with over anyone else in the world.

The main thing to know is that all of this will be for YOU. It is not a gimmick to get your H back home again! The changes you make need to be for you and for the rest of your life. You have a lot of years ahead of you to enjoy and you want to be the best "you" that is possible. Hopefully, it is not too late and he will see those changes and respond to them. However, don't be surprised if he doesn't......right away, anyway. All you have to do is read the stories right here on this board and you will find how they all begin to sound alike. But, if you are willing to pour yourself into this project of working on you, and coming here to post as often as you possibly can, and realize that this may take a long time for your H to get his head cleared and decide what it is he truly wants. You must also realize that if he decides he no longer wants to stay in a M with you.......all these things you have done will certainly not be in vain b/c you will be stronger and better to move forward in your life and you will learn a lot if you will stay focused on what you are doing.....and not what he is or isn't doing. You don't make any references to your changes to him. You don't talk about the future or ask him questions about it. You don't push him, chase him, or pursue him in any way whatsoever. Just leave him alone and "wait".

You dashed his dreams and now he is trying to deal with that and I'm afraid he will not handle things the way he should but I hope I am wrong and he will get his head together and come back home. But even if he does, he may be very unhappy b/c of you calling the shots about what he could or could not do.

Do you work outside the home or are you a SAHM?

It may seem like a long time to him before the kids go to college and it is just the two of you. He may be thinking that he won't be able to do then what he wants to be doing now. Maybe this is a stuped question, but what difference does it make where you live until the kids go to college? I moved around my entire life and never knew what it was to stay in the same house over two or three years at a time. It does not stunt a kid's growth. Anyway, it just seems to me that with you spending too much time away from him and at ballgames, etc. and then using the kids and college as an excuse not to move where he wanted.......you really hurt him and dashed his dreams and that is a bad thing where a man is concerned.......according to I've been told and read.

You said there had never been a problem with the age difference, and that is good, however, depending "how" you shot down his idea of wanting to move......I would think that it would be easy for him to feel like he was just one of the kids. Sorry to be so blunt, but maybe it is b/c I have been reading books on how some women treat their H's more like they were the H's mother rather than his wife. So, I hope he did not feel like you were talking to him as if you were his mother. I knew a couple where the W was ten years older than the H and at first everything was fine, but as the years passed by, she began dishing out orders to him and calling all the shots just like she did with her kids. Not good! I just threw that punch in free of charge...

So, now you know I put in more than two-cents worth (lol). But hope to hear from you often and that you will be tough and take whatever anyone has to say to you, okay?

Take care,
Sandi2

[mnt_dreams]

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate the direct feedback without any sugar coating. I agree it probably will get worse before it gets better. Also agree there's probably more going on with the OW than it seems, maybe even a PA, but since I don't have any direct evidence of an affair and he's already left me, I guess there's not much I can do. My MF that works with H told me yesterday the rest of the guys at work are very uncomfortable with the OW and H talking so much, and think H is stupid for leaving me. That was nice to hear.

I appreciate the ideas for taking care of myself and giving serious thought to R and what boundaries I need to set in place.

I screwed up last night and went to see my H's dad. He confirmed H is probably in a MLC and said H doesn't feel his age and I'm acting mine. Stupid of me to talk to the FIL I know, but at least I'm angry today instead of feeling like a doormat. I won't talk to FIL about H again - realize that's not helpful or apppropriate. H is acting childish, but to Sandi's point, maybe I have treated him more like a kid than my partner. Something to think about while I'm alone.

? - how should I handle the detaching, when we have to work out bills/finances. Okay to send email or text and just keep it factual without any ILY's, etc? H is not open to seeing a C at all.

[PortlandDad]

mnt:
Keep the contact with your H purely business, and only on a "as-required" basis. At this point, any ILYs will be interpreted as pursuing, and you don't want to do that. Detach and focus on yourself.

[mnt_dreams]

Will keep it purely business and as-required. Thx.

FIL sent email to see how I was. Told him I was sorry for venting last night and am much better today and ready to get on with my life. FIL said H will be in touch with me, and plans to talk to the kids too. I'm glad he may contact the kids as he hasn't really talked to them since he left. But what else could he want to talk to me about? I know it's speculation, but I'm trying to think ahead. Will try to just focus on the all-business approach and lovingly detach.

Been reading the DR book today. I had DB, but not DR. Great stuff, especially about the MLC. It's spot on.

[sandi2]

Sometimes people in MLC want to hurry through and get a D b/c they have the "grass is greener" sickness and if he has OW to push him then he may start that sort of talk sooner than you expect. Just do not do anything to make it easier for him to get a D. By that, I mean that he has to do everything. You don't enable his affair or getting a D. I would want to discuss what he plans to tell the children and certainly be there when he does any talking or you may be very sorry you aren't. People in MLC are not in their right frame of mind and they will make you come off a looking as bad as possible b/c they try to justify what they are doing to the family. So, stand up for your rights and protect the kids.

I don't know much about the legal side of what you asked before. Thankfully, I have not been down that road, but I think just b/b they file does not always mean there will be a D. In most states, it takes time. So, condiser time on your side. You have done very well so far about catching on to talking about business only and show your stength when talking to him. Don't break down and don't talk about your R with him. He has to have time to let this A fade out. Wheather you are still interested in him after he gets through with the MCL and the A, etc. may be a different story.

Take care,
Sandi