Seperated

[LitlHopeAlwys]

[quote=volleydog]

WOW!!!

Why would you EVER tell her that? You're telling her it's ok to be mean to you? I know it sux and you just want to have some communication but you don't want that, ever.

Hi Volleydog -
I told her that because I feel it is something that I can handle coming from her - and that it may help her let go of some of her anger towards me. I didn't realize that it would come across as telling her its ok to be mean. But also if I know my wife once she starts to vent about something, she usually starts to let it go.
I'm hoping that it will allow some of her resentment go and open up the communication between us again, allowing her to see the changes that I am making in me - now I just have to make sure that these changes stick. Would really be bad to fall back into old habits, especially if I can reopen the lines of communication.
I'm not looking to pursue her - just trying to show her that people can change and even though she hates me - thin line between love and hate - that I can be the person that she once was in love with.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

On Friday, I got a thank you for the mother's day flowers - sent to her work.
So here's how my weekend went. I got to get my son Fri night from parents house after they watched him for the day. We stayed there for dinner - by the time we got home he was a sleep. Friday afternoon the W had said that she would drop clothes off at the house Friday night for son for communion on Sat. No bag at house, when he got home. Called W - after she finally answered - took 30 mins to get in touch with her, she said that she couldn't find anything that she liked for him and was going to store in morning.
Asked her what she was doing - out bowling with a couple of friends - some people we used to bowl with together - told her have a fun night and don't drink too much and drive.
Off to bed for me.
Saturday comes around - The W brings by clothes for our son, I get him ready to go, and she starts getting changed in front of me. Made me feel uncomfortable, but had to resist any urges. I ask her how bowling was and she said it wasn't any fun, I asked what she meant, she said that it just wasn't the same. Not sure what she meant as I didn't want to press the issue.
Off to the Church in separate cars, half way through ceremony son gets thirsty, I forgot to bring anything. I bribe him for an ice cream shake after wards - if he behaves. W hears me tell him, so I ask her if she would like to go. First response was a no, then within 5 minutes, she says yes. Cool - baby steps?? Get to the ice cream store order shakes - figure we'll get in our own cars go separate ways - wrong W asks if we can sit in the truck to drink them? Ok - i don't mind.
Finish the shakes, W comes back to house to change and put away clothes she left out - and then before leaving she says to me - "Remember when you asked when I stopped loving you a few weeks ago?" I answered yes, she says I never answered, I told her I don't expect her to. She tells me she never stopped loving me, and that she feels like I never loved her or showed her any love. I apologized to her told her she was right and I then said I do love you, always have and always will.
She left for the day - and I spent quality time with my son.
Dropped him off on Sunday - she wanted him for mother's day, which our son made her a card, and we picked up flowers for him to give her.
I dropped him off, told her to have a great day, hugged her and was on my way.
Sent her a text Sunday night to have a good night,

Now on today, called her at work, asked if she wanted anything for lunch from deli - she brought lunch with her. Then she started on a rant how everything is different. I said to her I don't understand - what's different - she answered everything - she said that the way my parents act when she drops off/picks up son - i offered to do it for her if she felt uncomfortable.
She said everything is different between us, that we are getting a D, I answered to her I understand that's what you want, but I am doing my best to change myself and be the person that she wants to have in her life and save this marriage. She just told me to leave her alone, and that she will get a restraining order.
Communication was left off between us with me just sending her and email :

I'm sorry that things feel different for you, I don't think that my parents are trying to make anything feel differnet.
I know I am trying to change to be the person that you want in your life - the person that you wish you had married.
I also know that I do love you - and yeah I see know that i should've been more involved in everything - which I regret that I was not.
Remember Sat. when you said that you never stopped loving me - It was nice to hear that - just made everything more confusing for me - if you never stopped then what is going on between us? Why are we doing this?
You know I love you - and unfortunately it has taken this separation for me to see the errors in my ways - I know things won't/can't change over night, but i do want things to change.
I want to be the one who helps you live out your dreams and goals, and to spend my time showing you that I can be the one that can do that.

I just don't understand how we can go from having a good time on Saturday, to you not talking to me today? If you could give me a little insight into that I would really appreciate it.

You know that I'm not looking for a fight, not looking to even argue with you, all I want to do is reopen the lines of communication between us, in the hopes of bringing your dreams to a reality.

I just feel so lost and not sure what is going on anymore, it seems like when the good times between us come out - it becomes a nightmare after wards.

Anybody have any advise that you can offer as to what is going on through her mind?

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Well I got a response to my email from her -
all I got was a
"Can you please just stop."

I'm going to honor her request, and hopefully she will be missing me, and try to contact me. Back to just working on me - and waiting to see S3 again - not exactly sure of when - do have 3 tickets for a baseball game on Saturday, maybe the W will be willing to go(who knows), if not can always get someone else.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

W called me at work this morning - because she recieved an email i sent to her by mistake - mistyped email address. She wanted to know what it was about - nothing bad it was more of just a journal that I've been writing to help keep my head straight. She wanted to know who it was supposed to go to - explained to her me, then she started saying oh a journal to use in court? No a journal to help me better myself - I then explained to her that I do not want to go to court, that i am trying to R our M and be a better person - all she would say to me is I can never forgive you completely or look at you the same. I reassured her feelings that she was right and I wasn't looking for complete forgiveness, and that I was looking to be a friend with her. I then asked her if we could discuss this at a later point in time when neither of us was at work, and she said there is nothing to discuss. That we will be getting a D. I said I know, your mind is set, and you won't give me a chance to prove that I can change. She simply said people don't change - and that she has given me too many chances and tired of trying to keep everything together between us from the start.
I simply answered that people can change, and now I am the one that is trying to save the marriage and I wish I had seen the problems in the past - maybe I would've been smart enough to change sooner.
Biggest regret right now that I have is that it took her leaving to see that all along, the problem is me and that I do need to change to be a better person.

[volleydog]

You really should have ended the conv. with the comment about bettering myself. The rest got you nowhere you wanted to be, she knows you want to fix the R/M and there is nothing you can SAY that will change her mind.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

You really should have ended the conv. with the comment about bettering myself. The rest got you nowhere you wanted to be, she knows you want to fix the R/M and there is nothing you can SAY that will change her mind.

Thinking back on the conversation you are right - the rest of it really was pointless - one of these days I will get this think before speaking thing right.
The only thing that came from the conversation was her saying that she does still love me, and does not want to see me hurt or anything bad ever happen to me.

1 hour left to work day - can't wait for it to be over - go home and ride bike to work out some of the thoughts that are racing through my head.

[xalelle]

Litl,

I just spent some time trying to read up on your thread. There is a lot going on here, and I think that you need to learn a bit more about what DBing is all about.

Before I point out some mistakes, let me first say we ALL make mistakes, and it is ok - we just need to learn from them and not make them again. When you get good advice here or look at your own posts and see where you went wrong, commit to yourself to not make the same mistake again.

Your W has shown several times that she had not closed the door.. until you start to pursue and pressure. YOU MUST STOP THIS. Go back and read your own thread, you will see exactly where W pulls away, gets angry, slams the door.. and right before that you will see your mistake. LEARN FROM THEM.

Buddy, things are not over until they are over, and your W has shown more light than many sitches you will read here, so stop obsessing on her. Man, I KNOW IT IS HARD!

You also absolutely must stop trying to make her see your changes, stop trying to get her to think differently, stop trying to discuss things with her rationally - this will get you nowhere but hurt! Back away, work on yourself. The ONLY way to recover a damaged M like this is to work on what you can - YOU. there is NOTHING you can do to change W or make her see a chance. That will have to come to her on her own if and when it does.

Go back and find your positives:
No D filed yet (and even if it does, dont dispair, that is not the end either)
W upset about failing communication with others besides you - LEAVE IT ALONE they are things she needs to work through.
Improving yourself
Improving your relationship with your S.

I really liked reading about her sitting with you for the ice cream. You have to let her drive on things like this, dont look at them as opportunities to try to change her mind, just enjoy and let her enjoy and let her see that she still enjoys your company - if you keep dragging her back into the ugly R discussions, then you are just making her see what she dosnt want.

You dont want the old M, so stop talking about it. If it helps, imagine she is someone you are not married to, and you are trying to be the kind of person she may want to date. You wouldnt ask a date about marriage and love, so dont ask her.

Hang in there buddy, the roller coaster is brutal. But you will become better if you work at it, and no matter what you will end up ok. Work towards OK, and dont make OK dependant on W.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

I just spent some time trying to read up on your thread. There is a lot going on here, and I think that you need to learn a bit more about what DBing is all about.

Before I point out some mistakes, let me first say we ALL make mistakes, and it is ok - we just need to learn from them and not make them again. When you get good advice here or look at your own posts and see where you went wrong, commit to yourself to not make the same mistake again.

Thanks X, I know I have made numerous mistakes - and when I do pick up on them I defiantly try not to make them again - but sometimes it just seems to happen. I definitely appreciate when someone points out something that I do wrong or a flaw.

Your W has shown several times that she had not closed the door.. until you start to pursue and pressure. YOU MUST STOP THIS. Go back and read your own thread, you will see exactly where W pulls away, gets angry, slams the door.. and right before that you will see your mistake. LEARN FROM THEM.

Buddy, things are not over until they are over, and your W has shown more light than many sitches you will read here, so stop obsessing on her. Man, I KNOW IT IS HARD!

I guess then i really must be blind to seeing within her actions that she hasn't closed the door yet - and I do understand how pursuing her does make her withdraw. I am finally starting to learn from all of my mistakes.

I really liked reading about her sitting with you for the ice cream. You have to let her drive on things like this, dont look at them as opportunities to try to change her mind, just enjoy and let her enjoy and let her see that she still enjoys your company - if you keep dragging her back into the ugly R discussions, then you are just making her see what she dosnt want.

You don't want the old M, so stop talking about it. If it helps, imagine she is someone you are not married to, and you are trying to be the kind of person she may want to date. You wouldn't ask a date about marriage and love, so dont ask her.

That was one thing that i viewed has a great time - most contact we really had with each other in a long time - not once did we argue/fight, and there wasn't any talk of R/M - just general life and what has been going on at each others jobs.

And you are correct I don't want the old M back, I want one that is like starting from new and much better then the old.

Hang in there buddy, the roller coaster is brutal. But you will become better if you work at it, and no matter what you will end up ok. Work towards OK, and don't make OK dependent on W.

Rollercoaster ride indeed - still not sure what set her off on Monday being as nasty as she was and saying things are different - all she would say was that on Saturday she was just trying to be friendly, and that she does love me and doesn't want to see anything bad happen to be(ILYBNILWY).

Now today she called again at work - however after yesterday and talking to her on phone while at work (yeah tears in eyes) just like you everything makes me so emotional and feel like crying, I promised myself no more talking while at work, and have a good co-worker helping me to enforce that.

Wether I call her back later or not - that's still undecided - probably not as I have a lot to do to keep busy after work - cut lawn, ride back at least 10 miles, laundry and keep PMA.

Another thing that i have to consider is I have tickets to local AM League Baseball team on Saturday night - hoping to take S3 - not sure if I should even ask W, if she would like to go or just grab my brother or a friend to go to game.

[xalelle]

Another thing that i have to consider is I have tickets to local AM League Baseball team on Saturday night - hoping to take S3 - not sure if I should even ask W, if she would like to go or just grab my brother or a friend to go to game.

Dont invite her - just grab a brother or friend and go have fun. Forget about your sitch for a few hours, it will do you good. and if W asks who you went with, just say some friends, and drop it. Mystery.

[LitlHopeAlwys]

Dont invite her - just grab a brother or friend and go have fun. Forget about your sitch for a few hours, it will do you good. and if W asks who you went with, just say some friends, and drop it. Mystery.

Thanks for the advice Xalelle - its a very good point - it will help me to forget about it for a little while.

I did speak to W today - she called job again - didn't answer, no message left. Called her back later to make sure everything was ok. She asked what I was doing - told her working and really busy - asked if everything was ok. She said yes, so I asked why she called, her brief answer was that she wanted to see how I was doing and make sure I was good, thanks for asking. I told her I was good and had to get back to work. Told her if she wants to talk to me then she can call me later after work.

Now I'm starting to see that as I try and back off, it does seem that she is trying to reach me out to me more, and starting to see how you could be right that she hasn't completely slammed the door on me yet. Thank you for the eye opener Xalelle.