First Locked Thread in 5 Years!

[Valentine]

Bravo Ian!

CNMN, stop the chatter that is going on inside your head. I know this is hard...trust me, i fall for it plenty.

It is time to move forward girl...

I had to look at my STBXH and realize that he was not coming back either...and that if he ever does, then I wish him all the best...but I had to let go of the dream of yesterday...

So ask yourself, what do you see in YOUR future? What will it take to make YOU happy? We are all responsible for our own happiness...strive to find your balance again.

I'm rooting for ya!

Valentine

[CMNM]

Ian,

Your common sense and kindness have been a real blessing. (Not to say that OT, BND, Jack, and TP haven't been lifesavers.)

Then let him go Pam. You have to truly let him go and if he makes those changes for real and reenters your life, great. That is if you have not found something else that takes your heart by then. Otherwise why would you pursue something that does not currently meet your criteria for healthy?

You're right, of course. Funny, Ian, I read this earlier today and now again, and in between I thought about it lots. It is almost curious to me that I am not fixating on the words "and reenters your life." I think that I so wanted to believe in the possibility of that happening that I would have only seen those words and thought "there is a chance!" Kinda like something out of the movie Dumb and Dumber.

So, it is a good thing that I am not questioning this- as in: Do you think it is possible? How long may it take? You know, all those things you want to believe.

My criteria for healthy.... Hmm, I should have one of those? Ha ha. Funny that it never occured to me that I should be discerning. Nope, I was only focused on getting him back- healthy, not healthy~ it mattered little. Thank you for reminding me that my decision making is not the best right now! I mean this sincerely. How could I have gone so long putting my own wants/needs on the back burner? It is astounding to me.

I like your last reminder- yeah, shut the hell up, but remember to keep moving ahead. I think that this has been another problem. Believe it or not, there were more times than not that I was able to shut the hell up, but I stood still while doing so.

I just got back from dinner from a friend. She said, "You seem very different today. I don't mean this in a mean way, but things were getting really bad with you. You were bordering on pathetic."
She went on to say, "I feel a shift. Am I off here?"

No, she isn't. Guys, I may seem impossible and hard-headed, but I do listen. And, if nothing else, I strive to be a better person at all times. (Granted, when I screw up I tend to do it in a big way, but, whatever...) The words here at times are harsh, but I appreciate them.

Were it as easy as simply taking the personal out of it, Ian, I would have been on the right track a long time ago. Wouldn't we all! Even so, I needed that reminder.

So, another successful day. One at a time, right?

Valentine,
Thank you for your kind post. Sometimes this board frustrates me, sometimes it amazes me. This is one of the days I am amazed by it. Thanks for saying you're rooting for me. That is so good to hear!

[tpaschal]

Pam,

You sound really good---positive and strong! :-)

It is almost curious to me that I am not fixating on the words "and reenters your life." I think that I so wanted to believe in the possibility of that happening that I would have only seen those words and thought "there is a chance!" Kinda like something out of the movie Dumb and Dumber.

LOL! I think Valentine called it the chatter that goes on in our own heads. I can SO relate to that. I am sometimes still consumed by those kind of thoughts, and by questions and longings, and sometimes I still just really MISS him (the guy that he used to be, that is), but it happens sooo much less now than it did even 2 months ago.

And I think it's in part because of this....

My criteria for healthy.... Hmm, I should have one of those? Ha ha. Funny that it never occured to me that I should be discerning. Nope, I was only focused on getting him back- healthy, not healthy~ it mattered little. Thank you for reminding me that my decision making is not the best right now! I mean this sincerely. How could I have gone so long putting my own wants/needs on the back burner? It is astounding to me.

I finally reached this same point a couple of months back.

Up until this past fall (18 months or so post bomb), I would have taken ex back---no questions asked. I would have tried to be SuperWoman---SuperWife, SuperMom---in order to keep him happy. I would have taken on all the blame and tried to change everything about myself that he complained about and put up with his crap in order to keep him home. Then I got to a point where I realized that being that kind of doormat wouldn't be healthy for me, and thought that I would let him return home "as is" as long as he agreed to counseling and comitted to working on our problems together. I thought if he would just come home, I could help "fix" him.

Now I realize---him coming home before he's fixed himself probably wouldn't work.

I don't want ex coming home because his relationship with OW tanks, or because it's easier than dealing with all the fallout from the D (financial issues, kid issues, etc.) I don't want to be the "default" option.

We got where we are now in large part because he refuses to deal with his own low self-esteem, his feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, and his love/hate relationship with his parents. If he came home before dealing with all that, he might never get around to facing those issues. If he came home too soon, he could still blame me for all of his negative feelings and not have to examine his own feelings and subsequent behaviors.

(Doesn't mean that I would say no if he asked to come back home. Just means that I am much more realistic now about what it would take for that to happen.)

While I don't believe I HAVE to have a man in my life in order to be complete, I do miss being married. I miss having a partner to share my life with. But---I don't want to be ANY man's back-up plan.

I want a man who wants me enough to pursue me. I want him to love me enough to woo me. I want him to WANT to be married to me. If someday in the future that man turns out to be ex, great. But if ex takes too long getting his act together and someone else comes along and loves me that way, and I love him the same way, then too bad for ex.

I can still try to be the greener grass, but I need to be that "greener grass person" for my own health and happiness and for my kids, not just to try and lure ex back home. And if my green grass ends up attracting a new love interest, yay! ;-) That is what I want for you, too.

Hmm...maybe I got too bogged down in the metaphor there, but I hope you know what I mean!

Hope you are having a great day!

[CMNM]

Hey Sweet TP!

Thanks for the post. Yes, doing better each day.

Up until this past fall (18 months or so post bomb), I would have taken ex back---no questions asked. I would have tried to be SuperWoman---SuperWife, SuperMom---in order to keep him happy. I would have taken on all the blame and tried to change everything about myself that he complained about and put up with his crap in order to keep him home.

I have been thinking about this (about myself of course) for the last few days... a lot. Jack made me laugh when he made a comment about me taking responsibility for everything. A few days later...while it is still a funny comment, it is not as funny to me! It is sad. I, too, tried to be superwoman...and when what I did didn't "work" I just tried the same thing harder! Like, those words didn't work...so I'll use different (and more, more, MORE!) words. I couldn't see that I was doing nothing to change the dynamic that just doesn't work between the 2 of us.

He did text me today. Just a simple "How are you doing?" I said "Great! Thanks." He told me he was working tonight and I wished him well and said I'd see him this weekend (son's b-day dinner). And guess what? My phone is in my purse and if he had anything to say to that I guess I will see it tomorrow. I don't feel angry..I am coming to terms with the fact that it wasn't really my right to think that I had any claim to his personal life. I think about what OT said about "fair" and I see that I was looking for fair. Life ain't so, is it?

I guess I will continue to wonder why so many marriages break up...there are many people on here that I really thought had such a shot at reconciliation and I end up shocked when the "it's really over" post pops up.

I must be getting stronger though... my support group has moved on! : ) That's cool-- I know ya'll will be back the next time I shake my crazymaker...

Just kidding. I am looking at it like a relapse of some sort. I am in day 4 of honesty and integrity. Oh, and that is just something I need to prove to myself.... do not be alarmed! Not a statistic I plan to share with a certain someone. It has also occured to me lately that he knows who I am. I don't need to keep jumping up and down wanting him to notice me and my changes. The changes have been in place for a long enough time. He knows.

Back to boring old Pam. Sorry Folks.

[CMNM]

Wow. Long time since I have posted. I've just been laying low and trying to reevaluate.

I have actually been talking to XH a bit more lately. I had to think long and hard as to whether or not I could handle it. I was acting like a scorned wife, and, well, I don't own that title. I needed to remind myself that he is free to do what he wants. And, I needed to take a good look at myself and admit that I was not someone that anyone would have really wanted to be around. Two tough truths.

In the last 2 weeks I have been over to his house twice. These are the only two times since he had owned it. I am glad that I waited this long to go. I was not in a place to be able to handle it. Each time I stayed only about an hour. I knew he was not the same guy I married, but, man! This really drove the point home.

Oddly enough for the first time I could look around and see things not as "things he is doing without me," but instead as "things that make him who he is." I hope that makes sense. Before I would look at the fact that he bought say, a picture for the wall, and would think "He's NEVER coming back...he's really decorating here!" Everything was in terms of "Is he coming back....what does this sign mean???" For the first time in all of this I was able to see something like that and marvel at his taste in things. It was always me that did the buying, so it is interesting to see what he is made of. 20+ years together and I really didn't know so many things about him...

It was a step we never had together. I went right from my parents house to an apartment with him. It was very strange to have him in his own space, offering me a drink. That has never been my experience with him.

I put it out there:
I told him that I was intrigued, seeing him on his own like that.
I gave this a lot of thought before I said it- I DO NOT want to fall back into the same old patterns. For once I did not pound him over the head with this info. I said it and then backed the hell off.

In a nutshell, I am ready to admit that he is not the same person anymore. I have been trying to make him so, and it has been frustrating for both of us. More importantly, I am open to the idea that I may get to know him as a single guy, and I may not even like him. I don't know. It is mind boggling to me that I pushed these thoughts so far out of my head. I wanted my old life back so badly that I was willing to do this.

So,I am sitting and being quiet. What happens will happen.

I did have to run my son over to his house yesterday. I fully planned on dropping him off and going. XH texted me and asked if I would like to join them for a bit...he said he'd have a cold beer waiting for me. I stayed for a short while, declined on beer #2, and thanked him for a nice time. He walked me to my car and asked if we could do the same thing next Monday.

I know that this changes nothing right now, perhaps never. I think this is the attitude I needed to have the whole time--- and I fear that it is too late. I am proud of myself for not feeling the need to explain to him how I am feeling and why.

So, that's that. I really don't know what will happen next. All I know is that I am sleeping at night now. And that is a much needed change in my life.

[oldtimer]

Sounding good.

FWIW, anytime you have to say something defensive like "I said it and then backed the hell off," it probably means that you were shooting yourself in the foot, knew you were shooting yourself in the foot, and did it anyway. ;P

[CMNM]

OT,
You crack me up.

The comment about shutting the hell up came from the fact that I say things, then say them again, then again for good measure. And then I find new things to add to the same thing that I said. He has complained many times about this.

It isn't so much that I shouldn't say things, it is that I should give him enough credit that his silence does not mean that he doesn't understand. It usually means he is thinking. And, a lot of times it probably means he is thinking, "shut the hell up!"

I don't regret putting it out there that I was intrigued. It was a new feeling for me, and probably just as surprising to him as me.

I was really expecting "What happened to DARK, Pam?"
I guess I only get that when I initiate those really stupid conversations!!!!

[brandnewday]

Hey Lady....

Ya done good!!!!!

(((((hugs)))))

[CMNM]

Why Thank ya, BND, thank ya very much!

Just got back from shopping with my son. Before we left, XH called to chat. He mentioned that he would be near the mall, so I suggested dinner. We met and the three of us had a great time.

As we were getting ready to leave the restaurant he hugged me and whispered in my ear, "I just bought a new suit. I know how much you like men in suits, so maybe we should go out Saturday night."
(Not as if we'd go out that dressed up normally-- we actually have a funeral to attend this weekend)
A date? Yikes. We have not been on one since January.

So, I will see what happens. I am not going to worry/think about what else is going on with his life. For now, I am going to be the better choice. That is something that I have not done with my depressed, mopey, and always-questioning self since this whole thing began. The thing is, I always thought that I felt I was the better choice...but I see now that it was more of a needy thing, as in "I have to be the better choice- we've been together for so long and we have a family!!! Now I feel good enough to think "I am the best choice, and if you don't see that, well, too bad for you!"

I know I have my ups and downs, but I think that I am getting closer and closer to adopting that as my constant attitude. I have let this situation dictate my attitude in a bad way for far too long.

I want to test out my own feelings. Then I will figure out what comes next. Not being so desperate to get him back for the sake of getting him back gives me a better perspective! Right now, I need to get to know this guy. And both of us need to believe that I like him. Yep, I see the importance of this. FOR BOTH OF US.

Lets not question why it took me so long to consider these things! Lets just be happy I got here.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Happy you got here...

So any phone calls? : ) Little birds and all that...