Hey G.. I was interested in your post... as an astrologer (and many other tings, including an art student and ex Java Programmer!!).. I see things happening which interest me and tie in with my knowledge of astrology.
Theres a powerful Venus in Aries, currently retrograding (going backwards) right now.. it started to around the time your ex got back in touch. Venus retrograding is anuot the past, past lovers etc and CAN bring ex's back into your life. It can be the start of a new resurrection of the old R (but not until Venus moves forwards again, April 17th) but sometimes, its just a revisitation of the past R, to tie up loose ends, or for closure, the theory being, sometimes we have to go backwards before we can really go forwards. So I am not sure which of these two scenarios is playing out for your ex right now.. but its interesting nonetheless. This Venus R is linked to the last time Venus went retrograde in Aries.. 8 years ago. Did anything significant happen around this time 8 years ago (Feb, March, April 01)?
How are you feeling now after seeing him? Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Hello GG and all, It has been quite awhile since I have checked in to say hi to anyone here though I must admit that I lurk some.
Let me give you a quick update before I respond to your query. Here is my story in outline form:
Bomb 8/04 - classic MLC H moved out 12/1/04, two weeks before both our 27th ann. & our first GS born H starts r/s with ow about 8/05 Grandson diagnosed with developmental brain disorder 9/05 S27, DIL and GS move in with me 11/05 (moved from Asia) and stay 2.5 yrs. D = 11/07 - we kept house b/c of 'kids' living w/ me
My xh has been a drop-in. We did a few periods of 'dark,' sometimes initiated by me, sometimes by him. And now... we are in a time of more intense drop-ins. Like you, I find it somewhat confusing. Does this mean he wants to see ME? Just wants to get projects completed on the house so we can sell (in this market?) like we agreed in the div. agreemt? Trying for idealized version of friends though divorced? Some reason I can't see? We have agreed that neither of us want to let go of some sort of friendship entirely - his parents did this and as the 'kids' in that scenario, it was not great, and we do not want to do that to our two grown sons. I have no idea if he is still seeing ow. So we are painting, fixing, etc, and it is like old times. We get along, have everything in common, reminisce, and today included a visit with the next door neighbor while we were burning brush.
So like you, I am trying to figure out if this is going somewhere, or if it is more of the same. My criteria is that I am done with being in limbo and letting this define what I am going to do with my life. I have also decided that I am past staying entirely within the bounds of db principles which mostly means that I will share as I feel comfortable, rather than as proscribed by the 'rules.' I am not going to wait to see what happens with him (he divorced me for pete's sake!) but if something does, in time, before something else/someone else happens, then great. I need to stay engaged in making my life interesting, happy for me - which has been family, friends, work, some travel, my garden, occasional dating, and now an impending move. So I guess that what I am saying, is that if you can keep your feelings detached and above the uncertainty, and not let it interfere with whatever else you want to do or who you want to see, then entertaining the idea of a reconciliation on the side can perhaps just be like seeing another old friend now and then. You can live your life as it is and just watch as the next chapter unfolds.
OTOH, if it is killing you to 'not know' what he is thinking, then I would go with Jack, and ask. Clearly, reading the tea leaves of your recent meeting has no definitive answer.
Nice to visit with you all again. This board was an absolute life-saver for me for a few years. Now that I am on the other side, I can't say it was all for the good b/c it was not, but I have survived, and thrived. xxx Amy
It's been a while since I've been on the BB, but seeing as we've talked this one over some, I thought I'd pop on and post my $.02 here for the folks about your original post.
Folks, I know no one can really say, but this sounds to me like someone popping his head out of the tunnel for a look around before diving back in again. It seems he's starting to wonder about some things, but still doesn't have the answers or know how to find them.
Whatever else may be going on in his head at this point, it's clear that he still feels a connection to G. and sometimes acts on those feelings, like calling occasionally, looking her up on the web, and suggesting this latest get-together. I thought his dream about their house very telling (his inability to get back to what he'd lost and that being a "bad" thing). Maybe he was looking for some bit of closure or forgiveness, but I suspect he's still trying to figure out where these feelings "fit" in with his current self.
G. also shared w/ me some additional things from his conversation that sounded to me like pure projection about his own self image and issues w/ his family. He'd also had something to drink before he and G. met. I have the sense that he's still pretty deep in the tunnel, not ready for any meaningful reconnection.
BTW, for anyone who doesn't know G., she's not sitting around wringing her hands over this or waiting for XH to come riding up on a white horse. She's got her own life and is a pretty together, independent chick.
Hope all my old pals are still hangin' in there. My H is long gone, but one of these days I'll have to do a 5-year update just for kicks.
And how lovely to see posts from amysideas and Karen 58 too! My love to both of you. Life has changed a lot for me since I was a regular poster but I will never forget the lifesaving support I got here for a long time.
Anyway, to the matters in hand. Having read what amy and Karen have written, I don't have anything much to add to their wisdom, but here goes anyway:
My dearest GG:
Having read your thread(s), I see that you are having a hard time too. I am so sorry to hear about your grandmother and your Dad. My Dad is fading fast too, which I kind of expected to happen once Mum passed away. To make it worse, I am unhappy about the care he is receiving, but I am working on it.
It is so hard, as you know only too well, but just has to be got through, one step at a time. You know where you can find me whenever you need me. Just wish the big pond was not in the way, and we could meet up.
My fiance has been an absolute star this last 6 months (since Mum had the severe stroke) which has been a pretty good test of the relationship. We are now thinking of bringing the wedding (originally going to be this coming October) forward. I just do not know what I would have done without his steadfast support, and cannot imagine being without him now. So I was very lucky to find him not too long before my parents went into such decline. And I am so glad we had almost a year together before all this, and had some fun first.
Well. Those are interesting developments re Ron indeed. I have mulled it over for a couple of days, and here is what I think:
He does think he may have made the biggest mistake of his life to a degree, but on the other hand, he seems to be far from having made his mind up to work towards a reconciliation. Pride? Still indecisive? Too much work? Still in the tunnel? Who knows? Sounds like he still works hard to convince himself of the flaws in your relationship, and is not ready to face the fact that all relationships require work from both sides.
I did wonder whether the comment about being ready to date may have been repeated because he felt a bit shocked that you did feel ready to. Because I think at some, perhaps unconscious, level, they do think we will still be waiting for them at the end of the MLC road.
It interested me that the girlfriend was away. After I tailed off my MLC ex’s frequent phone calls in 2006, he once rang me twice in a week (but I was out each time). I later learned that this coincided with him finishing with his girlfriend temporarily when she asked for more of his time.
Your ex does not sound too keen on his current g/f but then that was how my ex was about his, for over 3 years. I do know he was considering ending their r again 2 years ago. But over time, I think he has become more committed and there are now some sort of plans for her to move in with him. I know this from his younger son, and from Facebook. Good source of info that!
So I think you should not do anything. When he asked to meet up, you did so on the same day he rang. So he knows you are happy to see him.
He also now knows you have not found anyone worth settling down with. That will be food for thought for him but maybe also a little scary as he still seems so unresolved.
I tend to the school of thought which says be vague, play it positive, upbeat but cool, make them wait, etc, as I do think MLCers, like a lot of people, want more of what they are not sure they can get. But I know many people favour a more direct approach. I think I am a little too proud for that, so it may be better to take no notice of me in this regard!
So I agree that you should sit tight. He has come out of the hole if only temporarily at this point. That is validating in itself. Keep on giving him the space to mull everything over. And carry on living your own life, which I know you do anyway.
And I hope you have some good support around you at this very difficult time; my love and thoughts are with you, as always.
Much love
Jaybee xxxx
Last edited by jaybee; 03/15/0911:49 AM.
So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
Whew! I'm not sure where to even begin, but here goes.
Jack...Congrats on your D being busted and the fact that you are piecing. I do not want my old M in any way shape or form, but I am not M'd now am I? That does not imply I want a cr@ppy R either, though, it just means I can hardly get back something that doesn't exist, LOL!
BH...Yes, I am a veteran of five years but have not actively posted or DB'd since just after the D in April '06. I have not been wasting my life away and waiting for XH to return. Congrats to you on your new love. Why did you have to take a deep breath? I think all of us here want a good R with a SO. The fact that we are all here means that we are not quitters. When you have done all that you can do, you should feel happy to go forth and welcome in that which was missing from your M.
When some of you posted about having a hat in hand, accountability and all that I thought "Whoa, hold the phone, we are getting ahead of ourselves here. I would not let XH return without that as I said earlier...BUT...I am more on the same page as BND or breton on how to approach it IF that ever becomes the case. My DB stance has been one similar to that of BND short of standing. I am able to forgive but will not be a doormat. I did not and would not date while we were still M'd though the D took two years to complete. I wanted to honor my vows regardless of what X was doing because that was what I expected from myself. I would date now if the occasion arose but have been rebuilding my life without thought or exception of what X is doing or not doing.
BND...Congrats also to you for all that you have worked for since your H has returned. He was just starting to come around when I was posting on a regular basis.
Now that I look at my original post I'm not sure what I was even asking of all of you. I guess I wanted some validation from you that what I thought may be a beginning of reconnection or the groundhog popping out of the tunnel was indeed that. By seeing other opinions I learn things that never occured to me. One is that XH was seeking closure or forgiveness. That may be the case but that was not my initial reaction.
SMW...Thanks for the thought. I think we are on the same page.
Laughing...Nice to "see" you again. Sorry to hear that Dick's shenanigans continue. I hope that you find the peace you are looking for too.
Creed...Thanks for all your support here and otherwise.
Treese...I know you did not ask me this and I am not in BND's position but my XH also said that I should find someone that makes me happy. I think at the time that was just a way for him to assuage his guilt. Like they say about the MLCer, "Don't believe anything you hear and half of what you see." I know those things are hurtful to hear but there could be a half dozen "reasons" why he said it and most may not even apply to you.
AliS...I found your astrological comments very interesting. That has alwsys interested me but I have not delved into it much. Nothing happened in early '01 that I recall but in August '01 something happened with X that I believe to be the trigger of the MLC or identity crises. He had a falling out with a family member that brought back some burried memories regarding other family members and X declined after that.
Amy...So nice to hear from you and glad your are getting along well. I have no idea what to make of your drop in XH. I have a question for you, though. Do you find him attractive or desirable? I was surprised that though my X is physically attractive he was not that appealing to me. I still love him but found that I wasn't so sure I "liked" him. He seemed one dimentional and quite like a stranger. I guess that's because he is. Yes, I am able to watch what unfolds with X with detachment and still able to live my own life. I think the fact that he is a drop out or droplet aids in that. I used to hate the fact that I didn't know where he was at in his head or that I never heard much about him because then I couldn't monitor his progress but that may have turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
jaybee...Thanks for your thoughts about my family. I wish you well finding care for your father and hope he does as well as he can. Congrats also on your lovely new R. I'm glad you have someone that loves and supports you like you deserve. You've brought up an interessting POV that I had forgotten about or had not considered in that XH may have been surprised that I DID want to date now. It is clear to me that he is in no way ready to accept responsibility or move toward reconcilliation but I do believe as some of you have mentioned, that he is questioning things and thinking about things. Like your XH he may be taking a final check before he moves into more serious mode with the new GF. Who knows? Thanks for your input on your school of thought on how to "play it." That was something else I was looking for when I posted this. I had a friend who is not a DBer say "Well, maybe he just wants you to b!tch at him so he can get it over with and move on with the R." I kind of laughed but that is something like Jack was suggesting.
I guess at this point my plan is to do what jaybee suggests at the end of her post "sit tight, wait and see and live my life." I may send him a short e-mail saying that it was nice seeing him and catching up a little bit and leave it at that.
Some have made comments that I handled my comments to XH well because I am detached and so forth but they are for real. I really am not bitter and have made peace with things. I really am sorry to hear that X broke up with other woman but in the sense that if we all had to go through this heartache someone should have come out happy in the end. It's unfortunate it did not work that way. We are still "works in progress." I have learned a lot from this happening and made a lot of friends along the way. I think of these things as gifts that have shown themselves out of adversity. I can now "own" the portion of our M's demise that is my fault and have learned a lot of things that I can apply to new R's I may have. I didn't really feel like a "grown up" until this happened but I feel like I have the strength to handle almost anything. Once you have been at the bottom of the pit and the worst you can imagine has happened...and you lived...everything else is a piece o' cake. All is not lost and a lot has been gained.
You do sound good, but I'm not surprised at all, you've always had a good (and strong) head on your shoulders.
You know what you do have with this last meeting? You have your freedom. Yes, because now you can go anywhere, and not have to worry about that awkward first chance meeting with the xh... it's done and with great results. Now, if you run into him, you'll know exactly how you will feel and you have your own comfort level.
I personally find comfort in having pleasant feelings about people with whom I don't have a current relationship with... in other words, those old beaus that I once had a relationship with, but some how or some way we've grown apart, yet, can now be in each other presence without feeling bad or negative. I feel successful when this happens...
As a matter of fact, Dick is the only one I haven't managed to find that ground with... but had the divorce been the end of things, I believe I would have been able to peace with all that went on. I would have liked being "friends or friendly" with him so we could enjoy watching the children grow to be adults. It would have been nice to be able to share the parental pride, for there is enough to share.... yet, there hasn't been enough room or time between hearings. But enough of that, there's not a whole lot I can do to change the way things have turned out.
As for you my dear, you are a success! The doors are opening for you to enjoy... you've earned your E-Ticket.
It's been wonderful to read from everyone who has joined in this discussion, something I've needed to see for a while now, and am so glad you came here to post.
Take care of you,
Laughing
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you.........
This thread reflects what used to be so wonderful about this board...thanks, G, for "birthing" it, and thanks to all you wise, seasoned posters for coming out of the woodwork.
It's so great seeing you all posting here on Gs thread! I miss reading about you and what's been going on in your lives.
Laughing, I don't know what to say..other than I wish I was there to help you through this time
Jaybee..congrats!
Karen...I agree, Gs a pretty wonderful, indepent chick!! LOL
AmyC..it's really interesting the type of relationship you have with your xh. Many here might feel envy that you've been able to co-exist this way. Hope it's a sign of good things to come.
As I was reading Gs last post, it got me thinking. Is a person truly detached if they still feel awkward around their x spouse? Wouldn't detachment mean that you've distanced yourself enough that you wouldn't feel uncomfortable around them..you basically would feel what you might if they were just another acquaintance?
I remember hearing once that there is a fine line between love/hate. But detachment is worse than hate..because you feel nothing at all.
So, where are we? The ones that say we are detached enough not to be thrown for a loop when thrown together with our WAS...but we know that we still have loving feelings , and at times still feel the anger, hurt and betrayal.
I guess I don't want to feel so detached that I don't have feelings for xh anymore, but detached enough that the negative feelings don't flood my mind continuously. Or maybe that's a form of forgiveness on my part whether I realized it or not. And if our WAS avoid being where we are, does that mean they are not completely detached either? I would think after many years of separation and living their own lives (supposedly happily) they wouldn't care if they were around us or not.
Hmmm...I'm thinking too deeply again. Have to stop that (hitting my head on the wall for punishment)
I hope you oldies will stop in occasionally, as it's been a real treat to hear your opinions and catch up on how you've been doing.
My best to all of you
PS...has anyone heard from/about mermaid?
Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We are flexible
I guess you are right that the first awkward meeting is out of the way. I never worried too much about running into XH "just anywhere" because he moved away some, coupled with the fact that I did run into X and Sweet Pea together right before the "D" so that was already out of the way. This meeting has set the tone for the future I suppose but things can change over time, with either of us, so next time may be different (if there is a next time). You just never know.
It was nice to hear from everyone again. I think I did need to get away from the BB for a while to heal but most of my buddies here came with at least in soul.
