Last weekend was a busy weekend. Saturday bought a car for our D. When we got home D had a date so I thought Mrs. 5 and I would have a "date" also. Old Cinco was in the mood to spin some vinyl on the Hi-Fi so we got out Mrs. 5's old Rod Stewart albums. I'd forgotten how really good those recordings are.
After a couple of albums and a couple of drinks we went out to eat. Unfortunately I think we got food poisoning and it spoiled the evening for us.
We had a late Sunday night "makeup" session but it wasn't the same. Too much of that same old "chore" feel.... sigh.
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Mrs. 5's part time job fell through so she is not working at all again. She I think doesn't want to work at all anyway.
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I think what kills me the most is that I seem to be left behind. Most of my friends here, that I have known for some time now, all seem to be having success. I have tried so hard to make my marriage better and it is still stuck at square one. Small improvements but never what I really desire. I want so much to join you all that are making real progress.
About 2 weeks ago we had that one night that gave me hope. Now I think it was just an anomaly. All I am doing is annoying her. She can't figure out why I want this so badly. I won't give up... but I may have to give up on her.
I love giving my affection, however it may just end up being to some other woman now. I'm so tired of this wrong fit that we have. I know what I have to offer is desirable to some woman out there who has been dreaming of the same thing that I have dreamed of. I dream of loving and being loved and it feeling right. I can't fight for a love that is not there. I want it to be there with her and it just isn't.
Sometimes I wish I had never awoken from my darkness. In the dark, I fooled myself into thinking it was "normal". I didn't think about intimacy and I didn't feel much at all. Emptiness has the advantage of not hurting, at least not the pain I now feel. Don't get me wrong, I do have feelings of joy now but I have a lot more sadness and desolate feelings and bouts of loneliness.
I see happy couples showing affection to each other and I wish I had the same thing. It seems like such a simple and natural thing... I just want that too.
Open mouth and insert................foot. Last night was wonderful! Every time I have doubts and feel low now she surprises me. I am still annoying her though. This morning I commented about how nice it was last night and she said, "Is that all you ever think about?"
5 - "I like thinking about it. It's fun to think about."
Maybe we are doing better and it is me that has the problem. I can't seem to accept the way it is now. I don't want to struggle for intimacy. If I handed PM to her do you think she would read it? If I could make her see how important this is to us maybe she would.
I agree that you probably won't be able to get her to read Passionate Marriage: it's a bit of a heavy read that requires some perseverance to get through, based upon what others have said.
You've seen me recommend this book before, but I think you might have good luck getting her to read:
The 5 Sex Needs of Men & Women, by Gary Rosberg, Barbara Rosberg, and Ginger Kolbaba.
The book is written specifically for Christian couples, but does the best job of explaining intimacy differences between the sexes and offering potential solutions in the area of Michele's Intimacy Dilemma of any book I've yet come across. If Chapter 1 of The Sex-Starved Marriage did not cause her to "get it," perhaps this one will. The book is relatively short, and she need only read the fist few chapters to hit all "5 needs" for men and women. It should also appeal to her Conservative Christian mindset, and will hopefully get the point across that Christian couples can have great sex too! [who'd of thunk it....?]
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Just wanted to chime in and say that I just read this book myself a couple of days ago. It is an easy read, and I cruised through it in a day.
Of course, there was so much there that didn't apply to my sitch, since the book assumes that the man has a living breathing sex drive, and the presumtions of Male/Female sex needs are based on that bell curve. But in your case, Cinco, I'm sure it will hit the mark more closely.
What I observed that was *dead on* was the list/progression of consequences for not meeting the wife's/husband's sex needs. Regardless of what mine are, the negative outcomes written were almost 100% spot on for me and what I still struggle with every day. There certainly may be something there for Mrs. Cinco--some connection that you will recognize and begin to correct--that you weren't even attributing to a "sex need".
Also very powerful is the chapter toward the end of the book about God/Spirituality in the bedroom. My H--though he is currently reading Passionate Marriage--still struggles with what I mean when I ask for "intimacy" or for him to "be present". The spirituality chapter made me think of this analogy: God wants us to be "present" and experience true worship when we commune with Him at church--not just sing, recite and go through the motions. Likewise, to have sex and only go through the usual motions without experiencing "connectedness" is, in my present reality, an empty and lonely experience. ....anyway, maybe my H will relate better to that.
Also there is a powerful collection of scriptures which the authors relate to trust/faith in God--that it is His will to heal any sexual problems in the marriage, to His glory and because He is pleased to do so. I took GREAT comfort from that and soaked the entire front of my shirt with tears as I read it.
Anyway, y'all have a great week now! And thanks -B- for the book recommendation!!
Bagheera - Thanks for the book suggestion, I know you have suggested this one before to me, it's on my list. I wish simply handing a book to her *would* solve our problems, at least I thought it would be that simple last year. I want intimacy and she does not. I keep hoping we can find some middle ground and it just still ain't happening.
Silverado - I haven't forgotten my fellow Texan. My reading list is so long now. I have a pile of books I have read over the past year. It's still only me thinking about what I can do to improve our R. I'm really all studied out now. You can only bang your head so long and then you just give up.
I really think my giving up recently has taken enough pressure off of her to make her feel more comfortable with me. With pressure 'on' or pressure 'off' it still is not what I seek. I keep saying to myself, "Is this as good as it gets?"
I wish I could just be satisfied with what I have, it's not an awful M... I want it to be a wonderful one though. I'm just not happy knowing how much better it could be.
I wish simply handing a book to her *would* solve our problems, at least I thought it would be that simple last year.
I'm not trying to imply that a fix could be that simple -- it won't or can't be. It will take months of hard work for both of you, even if she does come fully on-board and wants to achieve an intimate, high-functioning marriage with you.
However, what she DOES need is an epiphany, a [LIGHT BULB] moment that says two things to her: (1) Ah! This is what he's been talking about! This is what's been missing for all of these years, and (2) I want this for ME too! We could do this!
That's what you need, and I waa just tossing a potential tool at you for achieving it.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Thanks B. You are right I had my epiphany last year. I realized our marriage had gone so many years with something missing and I wanted it to be restored. I'll get this book and maybe, just maybe it will be the thing that turns the light on for her.
Hi Cinco, i'm a LD wife as well - and i have the feeling (but of course i may be wrong because i don't know your sitch) that a key step could indeed be when you 'decrease the pressure' as much as possible towards your W. Then indeed she can relax in your presence and consider ML as a possible option. It seems like refusal to ML has become a kinda 'reflex' reaction - almost automatic - and it will take some time in the 'no pressure zone' for her to get out of that 'autoreflex' mode. I also was pleasantly surprised when H stopped attempting to ML because i was too exhausted to enjoy it - i could sleep, it was great! and afterwards we had a much more nejoyable session togehter.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
But Mama, isn't this the essence of the catch-22 that Cinco and so many of us are in? For many of us, if we completely back off, our spouses will be in their perfect marriage and like it exactly that way. Plus, the HD spouse's resentment level continues to build because of bottling up the desire. I hear what you are saying, but not sure it works in all situations.
CB
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
