For the Guy with Kids and a WW 24

[karen43]

I've missed you and your "little" updates.

I'm not surprised to hear any of that really. Sad though to hear of your W. How is she doing? How did she handle you dating someone???

Karen

[whatdidido]

Yes, I am seeing someone.

Problem is you are still married to someone else.

She has moved in with F-nut as of the 1st.

Which she did after you told her you have moved on. Doesn't make it right, though.

And yes, she had another mini stroke the Friday before 4th of July, which she withheld from me.

It confuses me why you feel that she has to share this with you. If you consider yourself married (which you are), then yes she should tell this to you and you would care for her, etc....in sickness and health and all that. But, I thought you were acting as if you were divorced (which you are not), and in that case, she would tell her bf this so he could take care of her.

I'm sounding super B**chy, but you and I have talked since the very beginning and we both have a strong faith, so you know why I say what I do. At the end of the day we all do what WE think is right even if the whole world is screaming at us something different. I have been there. I know what the friends you surround yourself with think, but maybe going back to your faith, or talking to a close church friend or pastor may help you to see clearly.

I would love to just act all happy happy for you and this new relationship, but that would be like my egf and how she was to me. I truly believed what I was doing was right at the time....I thought, I AM separated, and my H doesn't seem to care WHAT I do ...it's been years....I DESERVE to be happy...I DESERVE to live my life.....This new person finds me attractive and loves me and I DESERVE that....This is the happiest I have been in a long time and I DESERVE that soooo..."

This sounds like I am judging you, and after what I've done I have no right. I'm not judging you, I'm just telling you what I wish others would have told me at the time....I know you see your situation as different from mine, but there ARE some similarities, and the biggest is that you are still married and you are with someone else.

Either try to fight for her, or divorce her.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Buzzkiller.

[Sugar and Spice]

Hey man, glad you updated us. How are the girls doing with the new R for you and living part-time with Fnut?

Are you ready to be done with her and divorce her or is there still some hope for the two of you? From your perspective?

Take care of yourself and those precious girlies...

[kat727]

"Either fight for her or divorce her". You know I have to agree with it. If you were already in the process of divorce, personally I think that is one thing but this is just as bad as her.

If you want to get on with your life and not have her in it, let her go. I am sure it is confusing for the kids. What kind of message are you trying to send? I wouldn't throw this out there if I didn't care. Really just think how your kids see this. Feeling good doesn't make it right.

kat

[hopeful4her]

Karen, I just caught up on you. I just love your outlook on things and your tenacity.

I miss chatting with y'all, but it was time to move on from here. It helped me so much.

The day after she had seen us, which was a Friday evening, I had gone to pick up my kids from the apartment because she had to work. She works that Saturday she has the kids, so it means extra time for me with my kiddos. I pick them up after she leaves, we go to lunch and maybe a book store or a movie or the mall. Taking them back when she got off of work, she was acting really pissy. Turns out that I had a "mark" on each side of my neck that I didn't know about. It all came to a head later, on moving day at her new house. She reacted ugly to a question that I asked her. I called her on it and we kind of started to get into it.
She started to say how she had to go get some more things out of the house, which she informs me is still hers too, before I move someone in. I asked her what that the heck she was talking about and she says she saw me at the store the other night, that "she's already marked her territory". She tells me that she tried to manuever to not have D8 see us. I asked her why she felt the need to do that and informed her that I had no idea that I had the marks and that I was upset when I found out about them.

She tells me, "Just get the F out of here! You make me sick!" and starts to walk off to go inside.

I called her on that too. Kids are in the car, I follow her to her porch. I ask her what she is so upset about. She says that she's NOT upset, "in fact I'm glad, I'm RELIEVED!" I tell her "I just bet you are".
She says, "Look, I'm having sex, your having sex, so were happy. I have my house, two stories, my hardwood floors....I got what I wanted." She said it so cold. Not about me, about HIM. I told her that I wanted to make sure that he wasn't going to leave them high and dry and not stick it out. She tells me she that if something happens, she'll move her sister in.

So she's already thought of a back up plan. I wonder if he knows this.

So all in all, I would say that she was NOT happy to have realized that I'm seeing someone.

As far as her sickness, I have no idea how she is. I've sent a couple email requests that have gone unanswered. I know she read them.

Beej, a courtesy. I don't hate her. I'm concerned for her. I don't expect her to inform me of everything. But letting me know how she is doing because I asked would have been a nice thing to do. It wouldn't matter if I was seeing someone or not. She isn't going to have me take care of her, and I wouldn't. The way you put it was silly. I could say were still married, but not in her eyes. We don't live as husband and wife, we don't interact as husband and wife, we don't do ANYTHING as husband and wife. Me NOT seeing someone is NOT going to change that for her. Its our reality. She has completely changed things by moving in with him.

Maybe not divorcing her so quickly as you want me to, is my way of leaving the door open. I've thought about that. As much as I've said that I'm done with her. You didn't divorce your husband. Good thing. Look at you now. One of the very lucky few. I'm not regretting anything I've done. I'm letting life take a natural flow, without manipulating it. What happens, happens. What will be, will be. I'm living with purpose. It may not be the "right" way, but I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I'm not the reason for the breakup of my marriage and family.

I'm not asking you to be happy happy for me. I'm not asking you to agree with me. Because of your faith, your tone to me IS very judging and preaching. I realize my Pastor would not agree with how I'm handling things, but I know he also wouldn't look down upon me and constantly remind me of my wrongdoing every time we spoke. I also know that if my marriage does end in divorce, it's not because of me, or

And its not because of someone else. I could take it or leave it. Yes, I'm having fun. I've informed A that I don't need anyone to complete me, just as she shouldn't. That I don't intend to make the same mistakes that I've made in my past relationship, that she knows my sitch and that my kids come first over ANYONE else.

For two weeks out of each and every month, I am completely out of pocket. I have my girls. She knows that I still have love for my wife and care about her. I've been very up front with her. I've told her that neither of us know how long we'll last, so we take each day as a gift and that she is not the only person in my life, because I have a full life.

Kat, I'm done "fighting". I'm living now and trying to find peace and balance in my life.

Suga, never say never, right? If I ever come across that bridge, I'll cross it then, you know?

My kids are doing GREAT and are adjusting fine. D12 had a major issue with the new living arrangements. She was upset about it, as was I, but not much we can do. She doesn't care for him, but she says he is nice. I had to man up and let her know that she shouldn't NOT like him just because I don't. As long as he's nice to her and she thinks he's nice, she should try to get along with him. I've told her to not be afraid to speak her mind. I've also told her that if she really doesn't like him, that she doesn't have to pretend to. I've told that she is NOT making a choice between us. Just that things are what they are and we need to make the best of what we have.

I have great kids. They love me and try to protect me. A few months ago, my two older ones were BEGGING me to move on. I kept telling them I was. D12 finds it funny, the women I talk to. We've discussed marriage. She knows how things should have been handled. She knows that if you get married, it should be forever and when problems arise, you do everything you can to work it out. She's even told her mother that. That she's learned what marriage is about from me. She told her that in front of me.

And I have great friends and family. I'm going to be okay. Hopefully, my wife will be okay too.

[kat727]

Forgive me whatdid for speaking out of turn. I think in her case, if her H had "moved on and dated" it would have closed that door for reconsiliation. I don't think it sends a message that you are still working on the marriage. Maybe it is a guy thing, I don't know.

I have been divorced now almost a year, I was separated a year before that and I just couldn't date anyone if I wanted to save my marrriage. I go out with friends now but not dating. I'll get there, keep pushing me a little.

kat

[whatdidido]

I remember not so long ago you asking me to never stop posting to you, so I will. I always have, even when others stopped. I’ll respond to what you said.

I’m not surprised at your wife’s response to you having marks on your neck and gallivanting around with your OW. It’s a taste of her own medicine and it doesn’t taste sweet.

You said the way I put it was “silly” in reference to you saying that your wife withheld information about her physical being. I’d like to know what part was silly. I reread it, and I find nothing silly about what I said. You said you could say that you are married……what does that mean????!!!! You ARE married. I agree that you don’t live as H and W. You are both having affairs. Are you saying two wrongs make a right?

I’m sorry, H4her, but you say that you don’t live as H and W and her moving out changed everything and all that, but then you say that not divorcing her is your way to leave the door open. In my opinion, THAT’S silly. And, stop saying that I want you to divorce her quickly. That’s absurd. I am encouraging you to stop having an affair and work on the marriage, or divorce her. You are trying to have both worlds.

Because of MY faith, my tone is bugging you? What happened to YOUR faith? You used to talk to me as someone that ministered to you and you understood because you knew the love of God. I may sound unintentionally preachy but if I have I have only done so because I care about you, and I thought you had the same faith base and I wanted to be there for you. I never looked down on you like you say I have. I have always been here for you. If it weren’t for some of my friends on DB giving me 2x4s, I would never be where I am now. I saw what they said as help, and I took it. We have talked endlessly about our faith. Look to your past posts. Somewhere along the line, you have lost your faith. "What happens, happens? What will be, will be?" What is all that about? You said you are living with a purpose? What is that purpose? It may not be the “right” way, but you can look at yourself in the mirror? I don’t even know what to say about all that. You don’t like me reminding you about your wrongdoings…of course not…no one likes to hear that they are doing something wrong. But, I’m not going to say what you are doing is right, just as you would have never said my affair was right. People do this on DB all the time, and there are few people that know your whole story as I do.

You said, “I'm not the reason for the breakup of my marriage and family”. How can dating another woman NOT be a reason for breaking up a family? Because she did first? It’s ok because you are just having “fun” with this OW and she’s ok with “friends with benefits”?

You didn’t speak out of turn, Kat. Moving on and dating doesn’t send the message that you love your wife and want to save your marriage. Not at all.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sorry, H4H, but I'm with WDID on this. I've always thought you were kind of flippant about what was at stake, and I still do. It may be a defense mechanism, I don't know, but I DON'T think you'll look back and say to yourself that you "did the right thing."

Sorry; I know that's not very funny.

Puppy

[MrBond]

I was wondering about this approach of dating someone while M. This was the stuff that gucci was talking about. In this case it didn't seem to work.