For the Guy with Kids and a WW 24

[InLikeFlynn]

The pics of her and him are still on her bed headboard. BAH!

I can't remember....is that the original place for the photo or was that where she moved it to after you told her it bothered you? I don't know why I ask but it caught my attention!!

Flynn

[whatdidido]

How was EAster?

[hopeful4her]

Back for a very quick update. Not much time and trying to finish work to go enjoy more Fiesta activities with my girls for the weekend.

Instead of figuring out life, I intend to just enjoy it.

For now.

What everyone has warned me about....

has happened.

I've met someone a few weeks back and let things go too far. Not a relationship, but anythings possible. I'd rather play the field at this point in my life. Beej and I have "talked" about what happened and she of course has let me know that its wrong and begged me to do the right thing.

I don't disagree.

But I'm having very mixed feelings about this and now realize that I have to be the one to start the paperwork for the D, which is something that I did NOT want to be the one to do. More of the principal for me not to. Now I have to because I don't want to be a "cheater" in Gods eyes. I'm not doing it for someone else. I'm doing it for myself. I'll be doing it to pursue options that I have come across, not just one person. Need to make sure that its the right thing to do, still. I'm praying and could sure use some too.

Still have feelings for the W, but realizations have come the past couple months and now know that she is not someone I need anymore. Or want.

Just thought my friends should know. Don't think I should be on a DB website anymore, huh?

[kat727]

I am not trying to get my ex back but am still here. things crop up and I can always use advice. I don't think I will be on this forum much longer, probably moving to surviving. That in itself is a big move for me.

I thought you told me you weren't dating!! Can't believe you didn't disclose that!! What will I do with you?

Maybe it is good for you to file since she left you. I don't know if Texas is a fault state or not but if so adultery and abandonment fit the bill. I know you will do the right thing.

Thanks for catching us up.

Kat

[karen43]

I won't say I told you, but I'm thinking it. I don't have any advice but will pray for you and your sitch. You know I don't have any desire to reconcile either, but that doesn't stop me from posting here. I kind of think I need everyone's support as much now as I did a year ago when I wanted my marriage intact. Well maybe a little less, but still good to have friends that are going through the same experiences. I do think it will take a little time for us to really be ready for a long-term R, but I hope eventually we will all get there, and I know we will. (((((H))))) Karen

[attorneytom]

HEY !!

Are you okay ?

You know..that is what we care about here,eh ?

Tom

[hopeful4her]

Well, I just HAD to respond when my friend AT checks in on me.

Not too much time, so I'm just going to copy and paste some email stuff that I sent to WDID. That will be my update of my sitch.

Sorry Beej, I hope you don't mind.

This was as of last Wednesday, the 6th. I'm trying to edit names best I can.





"Hi Beej.

Weird day today. Called the girls this morning and found out GBG went to the hospital yesterday. I asked Juli who was there with them and she told me her grandma. I asked to talk to her, but she told me she was in the restroom. I then talked to D12 and found out OM was there helping them get ready. I didn't get much info out of her about GBg. I hung up and called him about 10 minutes later. No answer. I called the apartment again and he had left to take D7 to school.

I called GBG on her phone. Turns out that she woke up about 3am Sunday night feeling bad and not able to sleep. She noticed that her face was swelling as well as her neck. She took the kids to school and took herself to the clinic. While she was waiting, her hand started to cramp. After two hours, she called OM and her mom and they picked her up and took her to the ER.

Turns out they both kept telling her to let them call me and she told them no. Not until she knew what was going on. She says her mom took care of them last night, but left them overnight alone. She had already made plans for her mom to pick up the kids afterschool. I didn't get on her case, but told her she should have called me. We talked a little on the phone. I asked what they had done, test wise, and they had done MRI and CT scan.

Her symptoms sounded like the same [censored] as before, but she hadn't spoken to an actual doctor yet. I asked where she was and told her to get some rest and she said she would let me know when she heard something.

She called while I was taking a shower. She talked to the doctor and she has some sort of viral infection that was affecting her nerves and they were going to let her go.

I went to visit her and took her the book(The Shack). She was alone and we talked about what happened for a bit. I could tell she kept looking at the door. Found out she had stopped taking her Diabetes meds awhile back, so they are now going to make her shoot insulin. I asked her why were so lucky. She says because were good people that care about other people. That we have a purpose. I asked if she's figured out what it is, and she said no. We talked about the book and the other book I had bought for her. The Victoria Osteen book. We talked about a couple other stuff.

I was sitting on the side of her bed when OM walked in with a couple bags of clothes and some coffee. I looked at him, he looked at me, I looked at her. She motioned him in, he put her stuff away and she tried to introduce us. I didn't look at him again and he said we've met and that he was going to wait outside.

She looked at me and asked if we had talked already or what. I told her no, just that one time I kicked him out of the apartment, that Sunday I showed up with the girls to talk to her about him.

And a couple of interesting texts. But that was it. She gave me a look. I gave her a look. She tells me that we need to figure out how to be in the same room together. I told her that, no, I DIDN'T have to.

That started the talk. I told that I couldn't believe that she enjoyed living how were living. She said, that in her mind, were not married. I told her that it takes more than clicking her heals and snapping her fingers to divorce. She said that she didn't enjoy it, she just didn't have the money. I asked her about the tax refund money, she said she caught up on bills.

Yeah, and a new lap top.

I told her that I had moved on. That I didn't want to live this way anymore. That I was enjoying life again. That I was so blessed. My friends, family. That I have met people and have opportunities, but I'm still in a limbo.

"Why? Because your still married?"
"Yes, I'm still married."

I told her to do the right thing. That they BOTH needed to do the right thing. He needed to divorce his wife too.

"You want a divorce?"
"I think its best."

The tears started running down her face. I told her that she knew that it was NOT what I wanted. That I had tried and tried and tried. I choked out that she knew that. That I had been pushing her away from me. That I was trying to choke any little bit that I had left for her. That she had done a pretty good job of forcing me to move on. That I have gone through a healing process. That I'm still going through a healing process. That she had told me some very hurtful things. That whether she meant them or only inted to push me away, that it hurt. I told her that I forgive her. That I had told her that a long time ago.

I forgave her. I reminded her that she had told me that she didn't think I could, but that I truly had.

She asked if I wanted to keep the house and I said yes. She said that she needed to get her stuff out. I cant' imagine what, though.

"I'm not going to change my stuff. Your still going to be my beneficiary."
"I do NOT intend to change my stuff." I told her that our purpose was the kids. Nothing else. Not us being together. Not us individual. It was them. She kept nodding. I told her that I put everything else aside for them. That it was not about our happiness. I pointed at the hall and told her that if that was what she wanted, she needed to take care of it. She said that no body is perfect. I agreed and repeated.

Somewhere in the discussion, I also said that it was not just MY religion. That my religion was HER religion too. That we had the SAME religion.

She said the girls want the dogs. I sat there, looking at each other. I held her hand. Her tears were running. She told me to get going to work. I stood up, leaned in towards her, told her that we are blessed. That we continue to be blessed. That God is watching over ALL of us, and He will continue to.

I kissed her forehead and started to leave. I gave her one last look. She motioned the book and said that she'll get the book back to me after she's done. I smiled and left.

Walking to my car, I found OM sitting in his truck on the same level of the parking garage. He was on the phone. I walked past, stopped and went to his window. He got off the phone and rolled down the window.

I forgot, when I first sat down with OM, she asked me if I had called OM. I said yes. She asked why. I told her that I wanted to find out what the hell was going on and where she was. I didn't want to have to call her and possibley wake her up, which is what I did.

I tell OM, "Next something happens, you better CALL me."

He started "I DID tell her to. I told her 'Call H4H. We need to let H4H know'. She kept saying no!" He was surprised.

I looked at him, told him not to listen to her next time, sighed, shook my head and walked off.

I feel a little sad. It was time. It's BEEN time for me. She chooses him. And now she knows that I do NOT intend to wait for her.

Not anymore."





Now Beej let me know that it was a talk that needed to happen and, of course, she has blasted me for the lady that came into my life. I've let her know that I don't disagree with her on it.
She let me know that I need to mourn the death of my marriage and to mourn it alone.
My response was,

"Beej, I don't disagree with you.

Except for one thing. I'm DONE mourning the death of my marriage. I've BEEN doing that. I've mourned the death of my "wife" and the death of my marriage already.


That's why I am where I am."





Beej felt like I was just distracting myself.

I sent her,

"I have spent my lonely, painful time at the house. I DID distract myself for a while. Yes. Going out with B. Talking to her almost every night. Nothing romantic. Of course, I'm a guy so, it was always there in the back of my mind, but it never happened. More like talking to my sister. Or communicating with you. Almost.

I don't need alone time. All the stuff that I never thought I could do, I do now. Eat out alone, go to movies alone. Heck, I went to the Oyster Bake alone. Not until the last 3 songs, did I meet up with Miguel and his dad. I NEVER would have done that before. I'm reading books again. Doing things at the house. Things for me. And the kids. Thats been my healing process. I have mourned way more than I cared to.

Since my accident, my WHOLE attitude has changed. Realizations of what is best for me. I can see that, comparing our lives(GBG), I am so much better off without her. I HAVE rediscovered the things that make me happy. I have been blessed in so many ways.

I ended up at the apartment last night. We talked about her illness, whats going on with her. And about us. She's determined that we'll be divorced. Not out of ugliness, just what she thinks is best for her. We talked for a while. She had made dinner and invited me to stay. I did and we all ate in the living room and watched a little tv. It was after dinner that we had actually talked. She is sick. Can't use her left arm. Not supposed to drive. Peripheral not right in her left eye, hearing in her left side not good. Nauseous. Can't go back to work until her next doctor appointment on May 5. I set a several things straight with her.

I no longer have any problem telling what I think. Not afraid that she'll take something wrong or hurt her feelings. Refreshing to talk to her like that. We talked about Tom. My feelings about him blah blah. She admitted that the grass is NOT greener, but she is learning to overlook.

Good for her. Just in time for him.

It is so odd talking to her now. Like talking to a child, almost. I let her know that I was there to help. I repeated a couple times that she KNOWS me.

She'll regret someday. When its too late. She repeated how she wants to keep me as beneficiary on her insurance and 401k. She wants me to have everything if something happens to her. I told her the same. She told me that she's been told that she's crazy for not getting something out of the house, but she says that I've been paying for it and she knows its for the kids. Its their home. She says that after were divorced she plans on filing for bankruptcy. I told her stop trying to pay her credit card, then. She tried to tell me that OM and I need to be civil to each other if we see each other. I told her to not get her hopes up. I will never, EVER, EVER accept him. Told her, If I see him again, I have no idea how I'll react. To much emotion and that is a bad combo.

Then we all went out to get an ice cream cone at Baskin Robbins. I miss the family time. I do not miss her anymore. I told her that we'll have a relationship.

I told her that I'll call her when I get off work today and go to pick up the kids and told her that if she wanted to tag along, that was fine.

Yes, her illness brought me back, but only because I care about her. Not because I want her back. She's a good person that cannot make good decisions in her life and she will deal with that the rest of her life.

All I know is I'm better off. The divorce will happen. I'll give her 3 months. If she still hasn't done anything, then it'll have to be me. "






She understood what I was trying to say.

Now, this past Tuesday, GBG had her doctor appoint and was able to go back to work yesterday. She called me that night and told me about the appointment. She now has to see the doctor once a month and has to set up an appoinment with a neurologist.

I'm still talking to my lady friend.

I feel great. I feel alive again. I keep thinking of a song by Audioslave, possibly my most fave band. I've put some of their lyrics here before.

"...and I've been drinking life, while you've been nauseous." The song is Cochise from their first cd.

And I now end my emails with this,

"Blessings to all I know, and even those that I don't.
I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out."


I should be getting my internet at home back in a couple of days, so I'll be able to finally catch up on everyone.

Though, I keep my self very busy when I don't have the kids. I had a client that I've known for about a year, just yesterday, give me her cell number and I gave her mine. I was completly surprised by it. Keeping up with my old buds, thinking of going back out and playing rugby again, too. I've also found a new church. Too many memories at my other church. I told the kids about it and now, GBG asked me about it. She says she was also thinking of checking it out. I told her I loved it and was going to keep attending.

If she chooses to check it out, great. Not sure if I want that, but if it gets her back to church, then what the heck. Makes no difference to me.

Its such a great feeling to be able to think like that.

Again, I am a blessed man. I truly, truly believe this.

Peace.

[Sugar and Spice]

Wow H4H, you have come so far. You are right, she will regret it one day, but you have realized that and moved past it...good for you.

I admire your new outlook on things and I'm happy for your happiness.

Great lyrics BTW...love audioslave too.

Like the email addition too. I need to take your advice and spend more time living and less time "figuring it out"

(((((H4H)))))

[whatdidido]

"Blessings to all I know, and even those that I don't.
I have now decided to enjoy life instead of figure it out." I like this motto, h4h. I also like SUgar's: Do the right thing, not because it easy, but because its the right thing to do.

I will put the last email I sent you on here:

H4h,

Yeah...I know how you can talk and have it all figured out......and then something "just happens". Or, it was inevitable...right? Just be careful, because if you really want to do the right thing, you are truly putting yourself in situations that will make it difficult for you to do just that, and then you will be saying it "just happened" and it was "inevitable" again, and making excuses or even saying "there is no excuse" but bottom line it will have happened.

I'm glad you have friends that would like to hang out with you. I hope that some of them are guys.

"Someone that wants to be with you, not needs to be" (you said this).....I could have said that when I was at the worst in my marriage, starting the affair. It's those wonderful new relationship feelings. They ARE wonderful. I, just last night, watched the repeat Friends episode where Monica freaks a bit because she realizes she won't have those beginning love feelings anymore, that she will be married to Chandler and that's it. Those feelings are great, but that's what they are...beginning relationship excitement. Once your divorced you can get all the love you want...seems as if it is all over the place for you.

Whether you have mourned the loss already or not, I don't see how making it final doesn't have an effect on you. If you feel as if you are "done" with Clarissa, file the papers. I was thinking that with her, the best chance you would get is when you got to the divorce point......and now that you are here, you give up? I don't want to hear that she gave up on you.......She already admitted grass is not greener, and she actually asked you if you wanted a divorce, and she cried. That doesn't sound like someone finally happy to be with the man she loves. Maybe that would have been the time to say, "NO! I don't want a divorce, why not try Retrouvaille with me, and repair the marriage with me, and not give up on the commitment and love we professed to each other in marriage?" She may again say, no, but it would be the right thing to do. It's not over, until it's over.

The whole thing is sad.....She's probably thinking how you are better off because you deserve to be with someone that loves you like you should be loved......

Regret will be huge.

[karen43]

I agree, WDID. If you're done and want to start dating, then file and do a quick divorce. I mean I know how you feel b/c I'm in that kind of place too, but I just know the right thing is to wait. And I'm sorry, but I don't have a lot of respect for those that will date married people-I know I'm old-fashioned though...I just think you don't want to have regrets later like we all know your W will!!! Karen