FG <<Or.. he may not understand.. Or.. he may be confused.. Or he may not know which way is up.
Tonight, he admitted he was trying to intimidate me when he said those things.
New Me, <<Keep the strength. I am. I'm doing okay. It was incredibly painful today, telling each kid separately. I told a friend tonight, when I first joined here I read a lot of CBK's thread. He was going through the division of stuff, & I made up my mind that wasn't going to be my story. That wasn't my ending. Now, here I am. This is not what I wanted. Ever. I grew up without a dad. I never wanted our kids to be without their dad. I hoping that if we agree to 50/50 custody, he'll actually spend more time with them than he does now.
I really couldn't believe it tonight when he said that as of last night he knows I'm serious now. What in the hell was the last two years ??? Me bluffing ?? Me PMS'ng ?? Me being a nagging bitch ??
Down, I'm sorry. I know it takes time & effort to think of how to reply to people, & then they shoot down every suggestion. It's been a rough few days.
To all the guys...... the reason I keep moving forward towards divorce, is he keeps forcing R talks. Each time he does, he just argues with everything I say. He gets defensive, he tries to logic when I'm emotional, he doesn't consider my point of view, so I know I'm not power equal yet in his eyes, & he tries to score verbal bantering points. He says stuff that I know he's not hearing me. If he would just back way off, go back to the gym in the evening, get an apt for a couple of months, & give me some damn space...........if he just vanished from my life for a month, (not the kids, just from me) I might even miss him a little........
but laying around crying in front of the kids & telling them he doesn't want to break up our family, I do.... that is the stupidest [censored] to tell them right now. Does he really think I'm going to reconsider when he's saying stuff like that ? Why doesn't he say, mom & I love you kids tremendously, & we have some big issues we're trying to work on ?
fb2, who is better to decide if it's the right track, for my life, you, or me ?
Breakaway, thanks for having my back.
<< smartcookie's only on the wrong track if it's not taking her where she wants to go.
Why is it so hard for people to see, if a woman stays with an abuser, he doesn't change. If she leaves him, he may be encouraged to get help & change. He becomes a better human being. If in my marriage vows I promised to help him become the best he could be, maybe this is the way that happens. The quickest way from A to C isn't ways B. I know you get it. I think the guys here don't understand the extent of the abuse.
If I said H punched me every 3 days for 15 years, they call me a fool for staying. Until they've walked on egg-shells for years & years, they'll never understand.
I'm here for the men & women that do need support & encouragement & understanding. I don't get upset when someone has no clue about my experience.
That's indicative of my own personal growth. A year ago it would have bothered me. Now, I fully realize I validate my own experience. I don't need anybody else to agree.
But, I think it's so chivalrous that you wanted to protect me. Slay those dragons sweetie. love ya
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Why is it so hard for people to see, if a woman stays with an abuser, he doesn't change. If she leaves him, he may be encouraged to get help & change. He becomes a better human being. If in my marriage vows I promised to help him become the best he could be, maybe this is the way that happens. The quickest way from A to C isn't ways B. I know you get it. I think the guys here don't understand the extent of the abuse.
Exactly. You ARE on the right track. You couldn't be more on the right track. NO MORE. NONE. NOW.
Good job. What you are now doing IS the way to handle an abuser. "This is what I HAVE DECIDED"
No offence taken. Mine is but another point of view. Take from it what you will. Hopefully some of it will be useful, some day.
Very sorry it is coming to this. That said, I think until you are out the door or at least opening it to walk out the door, he will not get it. I propose we consider naming this the gucci principal
Personally, I get a kick out of each time you shoot me down. You are very smart. I think we could have a great time debating numerous topics.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Hi SC, As you know, I had to come to terms with the realization that my W was an emotionally abusive person - and after she moved out - it become more and more obvious to me why I looked for that type of relationship - and how I facilitated it over the years.
I agree that you are on the right course - and that only you know your entire situation well enough to know what is best for you.
Since my W moved out - she's not made any efforts to see things differently - nor has she expressed any interest in working on our marriage or - more importantly - in working on herself. I don't know if she can or will - but I do know that this terrible, wrenching separation has given me a chance to look into my life with a lot of space and peace - it's given me a quiet, safe space - where I'm not attacked all the time and from this space I've been able to see a lot that had eluded me over the years...namely...how I was trying to figure out why an abusive person would abuse me by continuing to put myself in front of her - and making myself vulnerable to her through love.
It's hard to admit this, but I now see that I was trying to find answers through her that I should have been looking for in myself all along...understanding the abuser doesn't help us understand ourselves...or why we were abused in the past - the abuse is for the abuser to deal with on their own - our task is to reclaim our self-worth and fill our own voids completely enough that we don't need to look for answers in a harmful expression of love.
"Tonight, he admitted he was trying to intimidate me when he said those things."
And why would he do such a thing? I am sure it is because of his abusive nature. I am sure he was born this way. I am sure it is the issues he has. Or.. could it be something that has been learned.. over all these years? What do people do.. when they don't know what to do? Go with what they know... to a fault.
"To all the guys...... the reason I keep moving forward towards divorce, is he keeps forcing R talks."
This is still what confuses the hel* out of me. I am doing "X" because they are doing "X". I have tried "everything" and it is still the same way.
There is no way you can sit here and tell me that he has any clue about how/when/or where to "learn" how to be a good H. You can't possibly have a handle on it either. You may think you do.. but I cannot see how you could. What you have walked thru over this past year.. is beyond "Crazy".. and I personally cannot believe that you have a solid handle on all of it. I don't even think I comprehend 1% of all of it.. and I am a pretty smart guy.
"I really couldn't believe it tonight when he said that as of last night he knows I'm serious now. What in the hell was the last two years ??? Me bluffing ?? Me PMS'ng ?? Me being a nagging bitch ??"
You both.. have been here and done this before. Right? Why would he expect this time to be any different? Why would you? How could you not "see" this coming. How could you not know.. you would be right "here"?
"If he would just back way off, go back to the gym in the evening, get an apt for a couple of months, & give me some damn space...........if he just vanished from my life for a month, (not the kids, just from me) I might even miss him a little........"
This is a fair enough thought. You know I have mixed feelings about this.. time was good for me and my W.. it does not always go that way though. It can make things drastically worse. I just want you to be sure.. this is where you want to go.. are you happy with both outcomes?
"Why is it so hard for people to see, if a woman stays with an abuser, he doesn't change. If she leaves him, he may be encouraged to get help & change. He becomes a better human being."
Where did this thought come from?
"If I said H punched me every 3 days for 15 years, they call me a fool for staying."
Unless you were hitting back.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
"If I said H punched me every 3 days for 15 years, they call me a fool for staying."
Unless you were hitting back.
I beg your pardon? You see some sort of equivalency there? I'd suggest you do a lot more research on abusive relationships between men and women.
The problem I have with most of what you said...is that it implies she is somehow at least partially responsible for his behavior. As he is not taking any responsibility for his, she is taking it for hers. She can't make him a good husband, cause him to abuse her, or cause him to stop abusing her. She can only remove herself from the situation until such time as he decides he WILL take responsibility for his behavior.
The kinds of things you are saying are all parts of sick codependent relationships. She is getting better, he is staying sick. It's not her job to do anything but fix herself. If he wants to get better then perhaps they have a chance.
I agree with you completely...and that's precisely where I found myself in my M...one person is not responsible for another's abusive behavior...removing herself can make a tremendous difference for both of them...or just reveal him as someone who is unwilling to change...(as is the case with my wife).
I know that at some point the eggshells become unbearable. I think you are doing what you have to do. There's still a chance he will change, but it is going to have to come from within him, you can't do it. And he's not going to do it unless he realizes that things have changed, and that he needs to change as well.
