I've had many conflicts with my wife for the past many years. We've been married for more than 16 years to date and have 4 wonderful kids.
She is still unable to let go of the past an forgive me for not protecting her early on in our marriage. She had a fight with my aunt whom we were living with who verbally and emotionally abused her. I did not take sides but she felt that I did not do anything to protect her.
I've not been in contact with this aunt but she happen to see a recent email contact with her and actually flew into a violent rage last DEc 2008.
Recently, she has been "confiding" with another our my buddy and even went on a vacation with him without us. She has been talking to him alot and I felt unsafe, jealous and insecure and decided to confront both of them before things go out of hand. She did all of this in secrecy and lied to me that she is talking to him and would laugh and joke. She would be in phone conversations with him and visit him when his wife is not home!!! and would have long chats with him for hours!! I felt really unsafe and is afraid that she may be develop a emotional attachement towards him. I confronted her but instead of addressing the issues she has totally flew into a rage and decided to cut off all relationship with me. She thinks that I'm controlling her and does not want me to interfere in her affairs.
WHat should I do?? She would fly into a rage every time you bring out the topic. Should I just leave her alone and not do anything. I suspect she has MLC and she also has early menopause symptoms that can be unpredictable.
any suggestions and help welcome. thank you in advance.
This is beyond me but have you contacted the other W. One thing I have learned in all my short lived years is you cannot control what another is going to do.
I am in a similar situation (including the "vacation" part). I decided and keep telling myself that I don't care. I have my own life and my own friends.
I finally was able to see that I have 2 options since I cannot stop/control anyone. I can ride it out and not mention it at all and just put all my energy into me or I can file for divorce. Mentioning it at all pushes them farther away...and to be more secretive.
Since I am not ready to file, I have decided to focus on me and it is great. Hard but great..and it gets easier. Very slowly this has worked. My next fun thing is getting boob job. Knowing that it comes down to those 2 options though helped.
I highly recommend martial arts if you are looking for something to get into.
When did she begin the contact with this other man? I'm guessing it's prior to Dec. 2008.
Your wife sounds like she's using any excuse she can think of to justify this affair she is having. It's usual "script" for a cheating spouse to accuse the betrayed spouse of being "controlling" all of a sudden, when what they really mean is "I resent you interfering with my ability to have an affair, untethered."
thank you for all your feedback. I think my wife has a emotional intimacy with this guy but not the other way around but.............. I could be wrong! Not sure why I'm so jealous and she's so upset?? I feel I have the right to confront them but it seems to have backfired!
Hi By Faith, I'm Sandi2. You sound a lot like my H used to be in that you are too trusting that it makes you blind to the truth. But, I found out that my H was not as blind as I thought he was when he found my emails and IM's to OM on the computer. He had all of his proof before he confronted me and I didn't have a leg to stand on.
I hate to be the one to break this bad news to you but your wife is in a deep emotional affair with this OM. If the OM is married, and he went on a vacation with your W without his wife along, then why is his wife not saying anything? Maybe she is. At any rate, you must treat this as if it is a full blown physical affair, and it may be since they went off together. I can't hardly see a couple going on vacation together alone without something physical happening between them. I know this hurts badly, but you must face the hard cold facts that are staring you in the face.
I can understand resentments over the past. My H did not protect me like he should have either, so I can understand her resentment about that. If that was all that you did wrong that she is clinging to, then she should be thankful. Anyway, women do tend to have a hard time letting go of things like that. If you apologized for it, then that is all you can do. However, every time you make contact with the aunt, it is like opening a can of worms for your wife.
In your Wife's mind, she has emotionally left the M. She has sort of emotionally divorced you. To her, the M is dead and she is looking for passion, sexual desire and excitment. She is finding what she wants in this OM. She probably has convinced hereself that she is in love with him, but what is actually happening is that she is experiencing something she has craved a long time and she WANTS to be IN LOVE. He makes her feel special and says things that has an affect on her where you could say the same words and it would do nothing for her. I understand how that stings, but it is the truth. I am being honest with you to wake you up to realize how serious this is. An emotional affair is very strong for a woman. She has a fantasy in her mind about how wonderful her life would be with this OM and that fantasy blocks out a lot of the reality about him. Until the OM does something to turn her off or hurt her, she will have a hard time letting go of him.
If she is going through menopause then that adds to the problem. I understand that part also. I was past the age of what people consider going through MLC, however, I did have a lot of the signs, but I did not carry out a lot of things some people do. I was having a problem with getting older and losing my looks and not feeling dersirable any longer. If OM comes along and makes a woman feel like she is beautiful and the sexiest thing he has ever seen......then she will respond to this if she is feeling that it has been lacking in her life for a long time. So, I would guess that your M was lacking in some area before the OM came on the scene.
So, what do you do about it? First of all, have you read the Divorce Rememdy book? It is not a marriage improvement book like so many others are. It is a "how to" survive divorce or how to bust a divorce. It is your tools in how to save your marriage. So the first step is to get that book and read it and then USE it. You do not tell your wife what you are going to do. You never show her the book or tell her about this chat board. In fact, you need to delete the history to this board after you have been on here b/c the spouse does not know what it is and in their frame of mind they will get very angry and it will cause more problems. They think you are telling the world about them but they do not realize that their identity is not revealed. That is the only reason I tell you that is b/c some people have had to leave the board when their spouse discovered what they were doing and would read some of their posts.
Since I can identify with what your wife is probably experiencing, I will try to help you if I can. I can't tell everything in this first post, but I can give you a list that I try to give Newcomers to the board that have a spouse that is straying or wants to leave the M. But before I give you the list, you need to consider how you want to handle this. If you want to bust the affair, then you need to confront her and let her know that you are not stupid about what is going on and that it is the greatest display of disrespect for you that she could ever do. You need to have "boundaries" about what you will tollerate and what you won't. This is not controlling her actions, but it is telling her what you cannot live with. For example, talking to the OM on the phone in front of you, and other things of that nature. If she does, tell her that you do not know how long you can stay in a M where you are disrespected like that. Puppy Dog Tails can direct you much better than I can from that end of things, b/c he has personally went that direction. You can also tell her that if she doesn't stop all contact with the OM that you will go to his wife and talk to her about the affair. Of course, your wife will be furious but you must stand firm and not back down. You must show your stength. She will tell you almost anything, if she is not quite ready to depart from the M. If she is ready to leave, then she may tell you she wants a divorce. It depends on her personality, how far the affair has progressed, etc.
What are your ages? Do you have children, and if so what are their ages? She probably would not want her children to know. That was my greatest fear....was being exposed to my family. It depends on what would bother her the most.
One thing you must realize is this is not the same woman you have lived with all these years. She will not behave like she has before. She will seem like a stranger to you. So, do not expect her to be like she always was. Expect her to act and talk like somebody you have never known.
Okay, I must stop b/c I will write too much. I am going to give you a list of do's and don'ts as a "guide" to help you get started. This is simply to help you know what to do and not do while living with your wife. But, get the book and read it. Don't let your wife see this list!
DO’S AND DON’TS FOR THE LBS
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self-confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what your emotions are TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. (Use balance here and don’t act like a fool trying to show “happiness”) This can confuse some of them (which is actually good) b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as being fake or appling pressure. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. Don't try to get your spouse to do the same. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems or temptations easily arise. 37. NEVER LIE! When getting a life or trying to be mysterious...not lie in order to do be able to do it. You can be somewhat vague about what your plans are by not revealing all the details, but never even resemble lying to your spouse! Lying is not Dbing, so if you cannot carry out GAL on a particular time schedule without lying about what you are doing, then keep the trust and don’t lie to your spouse. 38. Do not keep company with the opposite sex. Do not turn to old friends of the opposite sex to talk to about your problems or just to hang out with them. This is not getting a life! This is not acceptable for a MR in trouble and could lead to you getting involved in an EA. If you cannot have your spouse present while you are with the friend of the opposite sex…..then you do not need to be with that friend. That includes any type of regular calls, emails, TM’s, etc., with friends of the opposite sex without the spouse present. You may not understand the seriousness, but it would be like pouring gasoline on a fire. 39. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Hope this helps. Take care of yourself.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We're all good friends and the vacation that she went on with OM, there is also another men there, so I do feel quite safe. She was supposed to take her father but her father did not want to go but she went along with these 2 guys instead.
She has now cut off contact with this guy and our church and fellowship too. Our kids are S (15) D (13) Twins(S&D) (10)
I'll keep in touch with you, it has been a real roller coaster ride. Appreciate your time. I'm in contact with OM and tend to trust his integrity but I'm concerned about emotional bonds and attachments.
thanks puppy dog tails for the comments. It's a screw up becos things are getting worse and I'm not sure what else to do, still unsure if I've overreacted. Maybe that's really nothing between them but she is just wanting to vent and confide with the other guy. He happens to be my closed buddy and I do have alot of trust in his integrity.
Okay, I get the feeling you are signing off b/c you are trying to convince yourself that all if fine b/c this is your buddy she is confiding in. Have you never heard this happens all the time? Don't be foolish and stick your head in the sand. Look, I don't know your lifestyle, but I know my H would never have sat back and watched me leave with two other guys on a vacation without him along......I don't care if it was his best friend. And, did you mention that you were going to trust this guy's integrity? Are you kidding me? Well, I'm afaid you are in for a real shocker.
Anyway, it is not appropriate for a married lady to do that. At least not where I come from. Maybe you are on the other side of the world for all I know, but I think you are trying to look the other way and you will be sorry b/c it smells of a huge EA if not more. I hope you will wake up and see what is happening or may happen at any time. I think his wife is crazy for allowing him to go without her along. Most women have a 6th sense about OW having a "thing" for their H's. Maybe she is as blind as you are.
Just expect to hear your W tell you that she loves you but she isn't "in love" with you....any day now.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
