Partner left after 9 years - eclipses coming up!

[AliSuddenly]

Ahh, nothing to report since...he's confused now. Here was my last post...

"I joined the gym today too, it was a one off fee of only £99 for all day, until the end of September!! Bargain! I think I am becoming addicted to exercise, apart from today and sailing yeserday, I've got Tang Soo Do tommorow and yoga and kayaking this week.. this is a thousand and eighty for me, neverlone a 180!

I've got an overwhelming urge to say 'goodbye' to my ex. To have THAT conversation, to wish him well and stop waiting. It hurts too much, I feel waves of sadness whenever I remember what it was like to have him in my life and how much I miss him, for his personality, his hugs, the way he made me feel, so loved and cherished and secure. How can we just leave it there, without saying goodbye after all those years?"

Hmm...not sure how I would go about that! I'm not quite 'there', but theres got to be a goodbye to the romantic R at some point, before we can be friends? Or am I expecting too much? (as usual!). Anyone think its wierd he's never mentioned our property after 14 months apart? Probs not, bet he doesnt even think about it. Also, 9 years of photos...doesnt he want copies, or do men not think that way??

I emailed him back on Thursday, offering him a copy of the album and telling him I was going sailing on the weekend. I wonder if he will reply this week? So.. Tang Soo Do is tommorows GAL!

Al x

[job]

Ali,
I don't think I would say anything to the xh. I think I would continue on and leave the door ajar if you are hoping to have some type of relationship w/him down the road, i.e., friends. Now, if you want to do something for yourself in that respect, then okay, but I would not say anything to him about it.

The property and photos....well, he doesn't want to think about them right now. They are reminders of his past and he doesn't want to be reminded of that at the moment. Deep down, he knows that the stuff is right where he left it and may use that as reconnection tools down the road. I have a friend who has been at it as long as I have and she has her h's tools, boat, equipment, etc. at her house. He talks about coming to pick them up, but never does. It's part of the journey for them to leave things behind along the way. I would put the photos away and until such time that he requests copies.

He may respond back to you this week, but don't be surprised by anything he says. Keep your expectations at zero at all times. We look at the property and photos as part of our memories and lives in the rational world. Your h isn't completely rational right now. Be thankful that he's not asking you for a lot of things.

I'm glad to see that you are keeping busy. Time will go by much faster when you are busy and enjoying yourself.

[AliSuddenly]

Thanks Snodderly... you know, we have alot in joint mortgages, so its a bit more than a few memories, lol! Insurance policies, tenants, gas certificates, tax issues.. I dont think it means a thing in fact, he is just being avoidant. Good point about the convo/photos.. I should just let it go (let him go).

Thanks Whatever for your post.. "You're grieving as so many of us here are. It's a difficult process".. thats the beauty of this website. Losing a partner in such a sudden, devastating way, as many of us did, with little warning IS like a death. My C and recent therapist both said its likely to take 2 years to get over it.

Thanks for the gal compliments! It took me a whole year to get unstuck, to get moving, I was paralysed with loss, I couldnt see ANY future for myself. I still cant see me dating, but at least I finally got a life !

So other than sailing and mortal combat and a gym workout, tommorows GAL is starting a martial art!! And then its the biggie Wednesday.. hopefully learning to sea kayak (indoors!) which I have wanted to do for 2 years! Meanwhile.. I STILL havent written my dissertation and am in danger of failing my course. Eek!

[samina]

Hi Ali

I felt like that too, but I think when the time comes you won't feel the need and you'll let go. It'll happen. I was looking at wedding photos a few weeks ago and you know I realised that we were so happy. BUT I was so happy because I could tell from the way he looked at me that he loved me 100%. There was no doubt, at present he still loves me but more like 50% or whatever figure, but there is no doubt that it is not 100%. I don't want that, I want my H to want me and no one else. This is what is helping me to let go and detach because until he can commit to me 100% then there is no point....and it may never happen, which is sad but life has a lot of good patches and I am looking out for those....that's the GAling.

[saffie]

Ali,

I feel like I am getting on your case and I don't want to be that way, but I noticed you were saying to 25yrsmlc that you don't contact your exBF hardly at all. That may well be the case, but you don't half examine in microscopic detail emails that he does send you and stuff you hear about him from other people. Surely you can see that this is not healthy for you?

We even get to hear when you hit the send button to early on an email to him and you deliberate about when is the best time to reply etc. If this was a normal friendship would you be like this?

Can't you see there is something not quite healthy here?

On top of this you have mentioned your biological clock in the past. Girl - you need to seriously move on for your own sakes.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Saffie.. it takes all sorts to make a world. I am an intelligent (yay, blow my own trumpet!) analytical lover of problem solving. I used to spend my summer holidays as a kid doing logic puzzlers and IQ tests, set by my dear Dad. I spent 11 years becoming a programmer, because I love to problem solve, examine and fix things mentally... ditto for becoming an astrologer. Funnily enough, its one of the things my ex loved about me! He thought I was the most clever, wily, quick thinking person he had ever met.

I dont want to have children, not as a priority, I'm ambivalent about it, it swirls about.

Thanks for posting..but, this site is for ME.. I need to come here and put those minutiae (sp) down, without shame.. its how my brain works and how I process stuff. And you cant tell someone to "just move on" hey.

Anyway.. I am having a major once every 30 year transit of Uranus (planet of all things crazy and inventive) bearing down on my Mercury (planet of the mind) opposite the oppressive Saturn (planet of hard lessons). And all this mental processing and activity makes perfect sense to me, astrologically, at this time in my life.. but it will be over by 2010. Phew!

[ThinkingItThru]

I found this is a book I'm reading. I think it conveys beautifully where you're at right now:

True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear, but going beyond fear. Unfortunately, in the English language, we don't have one word that means that. Fearlessness is the closest term, but by fearless we don't mean "less fear," but "beyond fear." Going beyond fear begins when we examine our fear: our anxiety, nervousness, concern, and restlessness. If we look into our fear, if we look beneath its veneer, the first thing we find is sadness, beneath the nervousness. Nervousness is cranking up, vibrating, all the time. When we slow down, when we relax with our fear, we find sadness, which is calm and gentle. Sadness hits you in your heart, and your body produces a tear. Before you cry, there is a feeling in your chest and then, after that, you produce tears in your eyes. You are about to produce rain or a waterfall in your eyes, and you feel sad and lonely, and perhaps romantic at the same time. That is the first tip of fearlessness and the first sign of real warriorship. You might think that when you experience fearlessness you will hear the opening to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony or see a great explosion in the sky, but it doesn't happen that way. In the Shambhala tradition, discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart. ~ Chogyam Trungpa

I'm getting glimpses of this right now with where I am right now. I'm hoping to join you in getting beyond the fear/anger/jealousy and to slide on in to sadness which I think will be much less draining on the soul.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey thats beautiful... thankyou. Yes, I was just thinking earlier how much better I feel, in that the feeling of being 'on' all the time, anxious, churned up.. its all gone and I am just left with a deep sadness. I wondered if I am in the latter stages of grieving. I dont have any anger or fear left now. I know he is gone. I do have some glimpses of jealousy lately, but not about Helen, but about his life in general.. as I feel I am still 'recovering' from the bomb that went off in my life and playing catch up.. whereas he has the career, good mates, the new gf (ok ok, so he has depression too!).

For those that like to hear my astrological ramblings.. I have had a major Uranus transit directly over my Sun this past year. Uranus transits are described as sudden shocking events in the life - textbook def. is like a bomb going off. I thought it was interesting that the ending is referred to here as "the bomb". How true.

Ha, I was going to abbreviate your name then and say Hey TIT! But, being English, that sounded too much like I was insulting you Also.. its early days for your sitch, so give yourself more time hey.

[MichelleLT]

(((Ali)))

All your GAL stuff sounds fantastic!

Keep up the great work!

And yay for endorphins from exercising!

[ThinkingItThru]

Ha, I was going to abbreviate your name then and say Hey TIT! But, being English, that sounded too much like I was insulting you Also.. its early days for your sitch, so give yourself more time hey.

LMAO, translates the same in American...Pity I didn't "think" through the abbreviations when I came up with the moniker.

And I like all the astrological stuff.