I have finally let go and detached. I had my last in person contact with H in Dec and it was good. We have been friendly and interacting well for a couple of months, mainly via mail but also in person. He is still seeing ow so I am not prepared to see him anymore unless that finishes.
I am coming up to having the finances sorted. I am buying my H out for the flat and that is all we have to do. I sent the D papers a few months ago because of several reasons... my solicitor said the financial agreement would not be valid until divorce was complete, my H was so adamant he wanted it and at the time I was sure I wanted it as he moved in with ow...
The problem is the papers have been "lost" either by the postal service or the court and now I am not sure about D. My H doesn't know this but his bull of a solicitor (as he calls her) has told him that they should have arrived by now and what is going on? Which he is now asking me. I have been ignoring this so far but not sure what to do.
I have let go but don't want to do the papers again as H has been behaving differently. He keeps contact open with me - making excuses to meet up, gets in touch with me via mail and in person and is friendly and making jokes etc. I know what he saw in ow - emotional support with his job which he was having a big problem with and ended up getting this from her - this led to I've fallen in love with her.... I have had sessions with a DB coach and she agrees that we interact well and she has not seen a couple be so civil/have respect for each other. I have GAL, 180's and validated him etc etc which he has noticed but I don't think I can do anymore now (and don't want to) unless he leaves ow.
Do I ignore his Q regarding D and continue the financial side of things and get on with GAL as I have been? Do I tell him the papers have been lost?
Since HE is the one asking about the papers, that implies that he wants to move forward. OR, maybe he doesn't and wants to put a stop to them. IF he was NOT asking, then maybe I wouldn't bring it up. Either way, why not tell him the truth? The last thing you want is for it to look like you are standing in the way of a D that he wants. Then you will just look controlling, sneaky, whatever. (OW could have a hayday with it "Your W is such a liar. She lets you think she's moving forward with the D and then "loses" the paperwork and doesn't tell you?!? How convenient. blah blah blah" Nobody appreciates being mislead into believing something that isn't true. Right now, he believes the paperwork is en route and progressing normally.
What if you framed the statement like this "H, I did send the paperwork over but it seems that it's been lost. We've been getting along so great lately Do we *really* want to restart the process?" or "I wonder if it didn't happen for a "reason". I am feeling a lot of positive changes...."and wait for his response.(Or whatever fits for you.)
I don't know; maybe I am all wet. I just am not seeing the upside for keeping it a secret.
Last edited by Trixi; 01/18/0903:50 PM.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Thanks. I think it is something that he will find out sooner or later. I only found out a few weeks ago and then he didn't ask so I didn't mention it.
Do you think I should do this in person or e-mail? He is very non-confrontational and when I asked him all those months ago if he wanted a divorce in person he didn't give me a straight answer but on the phone he admitted he wanted a divorce and did not tell me in person because he doesn't like confrontation.
I would post this in Newcomers too and a brief outline of your sitch, you will get more responses. Also tomorrow evening more people will be around.
Divorce is a big decision and not one to be made under pressure or in anger or haste. If you still want time to think about whether d is the right option for you at the moment I would just take the time.
If your h asks I would simply tell him the truth, that the papers seem to have got lost in the system somewhere. Leave it at that and see what he says, he may be proactive or not. Sometimes there is no harm in not taking the lead and going with the flow to find out someones true intentions and wishes. You don't always have to take the lead unless you want things done quickly. There is no harm in taking time to think, there is no time limit here. If your h is that impatient (which I doubt he is) he can always file himself. It sounds as if he is asking because his solicitor is pushing. Do what is right for you, there is no pressure here. Or, if you want to carry on with the d re-file.
Thanks for the advice. I guess at the moment I am happy either way, H back or not. I have truly forgiven H and I knew this from the last time I saw him a few weeks ago, and actually feel a little sorry for him. It is so obvious he still cares about me by his body language (looking at me when he thinks I'm looking away, wants to help me with things etc). I think he also feels morally obligated to stick to his decision and not mess me about!! It seems being "in love" is more important then respect for him, at this moment in time anyway.
It's a miracle I am still here as I didn't think I had the patience and that is something different for me but as I see him less and less I also feel less and less. I guess with the papers going AWOL he has an opportunity to reconsider. I will e-mail him and let him know the papers are missing and then see what his reaction is.... but I think I know that he will still want the divorce and the way I feel I think it may be best in order to get closure. It's either a marriage or nothing. I can't be friends.
Sent H an e-mail explaining the problem with papers last night. Told him I didn't want divorce but if he wants to then I can re-send. He sent me this text:
Don't worry. Not pissed off. Should probably be more suspicious than I am, but do still trust you. Have written email.
I can't check mail at work and he knows this, and when I get back I had the following:
Hi, Thanks for explaining. You sounded really pissed off with me in the last email and wasn't quite sure why. No need to get in touch with solicitor as i can explain this to her. Let me know if the courts find anything out. If not then please resend and make sure you put the details of my solicitor on the papers? And can you plase let me know of the details and progress so that i know and i can then inform my solicitor? It's not that i need the money now, but it would be a relief to get it sorted out so if we can do it before the divorce is finalised, then that would be good. If you can get your solicitor to sort out a suitable contract? Cheers
He is referring to the previous mail I sent a week ago, in which I said I was still receiving his mail and he needed to re-direct it. I said I would copy the photos he forgot to download (of our hols/wedding etc) and send the disc to him too, once he lets me have an address to forward to. He keeps leaving things behind and excuses to meet up and I can't do it anymore. As he is still interacting well with me but still has ow. Seems he keeps options open to meet me as and when it suits him. It might sound like I am angry but I'm not - I orginally thought it was because he missed me and wanted to meet up. It may well be the case but he has ow and I don't want and can't be friends.
We have always got on well and there has been no real problems but if after 6 months he is still living with ow then I need to get on with my life. I have detached but to be honest I was upset with the e-mail today as I still had a little hope but I knew he would want the D re-sent. I have actually re-ordered the papers as I expected this.
I feel he is still hanging on to me, either from guilt or because he does care but he's not in love with me. I want to be with someone who is commited to me 100% and that is not my H so I need to finally accept it. I know a lot of people will think I should give it more time but I have now let him go (think it was more the dream I found hard letting go - I will grow old with this person etc) and it means that I don't want to see him again. He is with ow and emotional affairs can take a long time to finish. At this moment in time I do still have a little hope but as I plan not to see him again because I find it easier to move on when there is no contact. He has seen the 180's, GAL and shown interest but just as friends, it wasn't meant to be - even with help from royal mail and the courts with the papers going missing!! At least I am ready to divorce now. No regrets.
Thanks to everyone who gave me advice. I appreciate it.
I posted to you earlier on the subject of the lost papers but see that somehow it did not get on your thread.
You sound resigned and accepting. There may be alot of emotion for you too. I'm sorry, truly sorry. Even though you "knew" he would likely want to proceed, you had some hope. The hope can keep the sadness at bay and now you may be feeling that sadness more.
I want to tell you all the things that I hope you know and believe... you will be loved 100% and will be in a happy, committed relationship. It could be right around the corner but whenever it happens, you'll embrace it and move forward happily.
Thanks, I am sad but I know I have lots of things to look forward to. I think the timing is good as I have lots of things to keep me busy at present, so off to work....
