Episode IV: A New Hope (?)

[dday101798]

Well, since my other thread is getting close to the 100 post mark, I thought I'd start over, especially after a new potential sign of hope.

So the brief history:

8/04-My W, self & 2 boys move from our tiny 2 bedroom townhouse to a 5 bed home of our dreams with the hopes for having a daughter at some point. We were the 'role model' couple/family.

8/04 to 7/08- house is nothing more than a financial nightmare and constant 'party pad' for W & "friends"

9/06-MIL dies of cancer and sends W into undetectable tailspin and 'parties' excessively drinking and doing drugs.

3/07-Shortly after we find out we are finally having our third child and believed to be our daughter, W miscarries, furhter escalating the party mode to the finish.

3/08-After enduring as much as I could of being ignored and left out for W's friends, I try to get w's attention that if she doesn't grow up she'll find herself alone some day (scare tatic).

3/08- scare tactic backfires and I find myself living in our basement as W' begins to go out and 'party' and not come home.

4/08- We talk things out, family becomes more important than partying and we have the greatest 4 weeks of our marriage of closeness, spontinaty, and we were each other's focus once again.

5/08- W doesn't stick to plan and slowly drifts away and starts to not come home again, sneaks out in the middle of the night, gets fired from part time job as a result, I return to life in basement.

7/2/08- After W doesnt come home yet again I catch her in her lies, but can't prove where she's been.

7/11/08- W says she's leaving to stay at FIL's house for the weekend to clear her head and get grip.

7/11/08- I catch W with OM at FIL's house.

7/12/08- W moves out, loves OM and let the games begin.

[dday101798]

Okay,

So the plan with the boys for the week was she'd have them Tues & Weds night. I said at the time I would like to take them out for dinner Weds as I normally do.

Yesterday afternoon, I get a text from W saying I can have them Weds night. After balancing my finances I come to realize dinner is not in the budget and text back to this extent and if she'd like, she can keep them for the night. W texts back, "no, they are with you now Weds & Thurs, then I have them for the weekend.

Last night, the moment I get home, my cell phone rings, it's W.

Seeing our communication has not been the greatest, I ignore the call and see if she leaves a message, but she doesn't.

Out of curiosity, I call W back, thinking somethings up with the kids.

I get a sobbing voice from W. I figure she got fired from work since she took the day off and is probation for doing so in the past and this is their busy season, I say nothing to this effect.

W - "what are you doing?"

I replied nothing, just got home, what's wrong?

W - 'why don't you answer my calls anymore, or just hang up on me and not say goodbye or anything?

I reply, well things arent' the greatest between us, you say you're engaged, taking the kids from me and getting support as of next month and my life is complete turmoil.

After some of the usual going around in circles I tell W it is not my intent to be mean to her, I do not want to be, but you are with another man, so you have to give some leeway when you belame for that and tell your entire family and village these lies about me and threaten to take my kids away.

W apologizes and then: "what are you doing tomorrow for New Year?"

I reply nothing, I don't have the money to take the kids to dinner so you may have them for dinner and drop them off if you want afterward. Your brother is in charge of new years so I'm just supervising and making sure it stays under control.

W- "so, if you're not doing anything, can I spend it with you?"

In complete shock I calmly reply, why me?

Never got an answer, and more M talk ensued (all beit calmly)and she backs out of her question to spend time.

At the end of the conversation I tell her I'm flattered she asked to spend new years with me and would be glad to and to think about it.

After making dinner and cleaning, kindness gets the better of me and I text her "Would you like to go 'dutch' on dinner with the boys and go from there?" No reply. So, later on I text "Ok, I'll buy and deal with the money issue later". No reply.

Well, dummy me finds out later on that OM finally showed up late (they aren't getting along very well from what I hear) and sent a dummy text to never mind, your with your fiance so you can't answer me. No reply.

This morning, I get a text saying the boys will be dropped off by her uncle after they wake up. I go into damaage control mode and reply "ok, sorry about the last text, I was frutrated and confused" Shortly thereafter of no reply I text "my offer still stands. It's a simple yes or no answer, I'm trying to work with you on what you asked (about tonight).

Still no reply yet.

So, is/was she really trying to reach out? Or is it all a combination of her father being all over after what she's did to me on Christmas and being fed up with her all together, her relationship to OM not being so hot and probably being fired so now she's scared?

I am just so blown away that she asked me that. And, our conversation over all did show signs of improvement and came up short of couseling being agreed upon. But yet, OM still lingers in the picture. I am prepared now to deal with that, I wasn't before, if it gives me a chance to spend time with her, fine, whatever, I know family will prevail, and I am the better man she misses. Jsut got to learn to keep my emotions in check about OM.

[dday101798]

Heh,

Well, get a text: "R U home"

I reply no.

She replies: "Can u talk"

I call her, still the somber voice, she says "sorry I couldn't get back to you last night, things were kind of crazy". I apologize for the out of line text and she says "that's ok, I deserve that". So she asks me when I'm coming home, I said I'm not sure when they are letting us leave today, probably at 3. She asks if she can come over and talk when I get home. I say that's fine, she says things are really all messed up right now and she's not out to "screw me", meaning with the D threat. And we really need to figure some things out. Again I say that's fine.

She says she's not sure of tonight as that may mess up some plans but isn't sure at the moment either way. still a maybe.

So, I am going to pound some serious work now and try to keep my mind clear of this so I don't end up saying something stupid.

This is shaping up to be a interesting 'new year' to say the least.

[dday101798]

Ok, me and my darn mind that won't stop over analyzing to try and repraire myself for this "talk". So far I come up with:

1-FIL wants her out of his house and she's not sure of relation with OM enough to live with him. So since she can't afford our house by herself, how about we split it?

2-She's having second (third actually) thoughts and coming to frutition that divorce is not the answer.

3-She's pregnant, ouch! And again not sure about OM and her father is going to kill her when he finds out. So help in her some way, again spliting the house, or something, say it's mine?

4-She's pregnant and that's why she has to divorce me, but doesn't want to?

Oh well, only one way to find out.

[dday101798]

Well, I'm going to to have really put "do not believe anything you hear and half of what you see" to the test.

Got home a hour later than expected, train had a bomb threat, yeah nice way to start off new years eve. As soon as got off the train, W calls and asks what's taking so long, and that she has to leave soon to get ready to go out. So, I knew that meant dinner and anything else was out of the question. Told what happened and I'd be ther in about 5 minutes.

When I get in the door, W is sitting in the kitchen and looks at me with this glow, and laughingly asks what the hell is that on your face? I grew a goatie out as part of the do something different stage. I laughingly respond, what the hell is that on your head, reffering to her fire engnine red hair dye. We laugh and agree to go down to the basement, have a cigarette and 'talk' about what ever it is on her mind.

As soon as I sit down, she sits on the coffee table directly in front me leaving very little space inbetween us and starts in to this effect:

"We really need to work harder at being friends. I can't take this anymore and it's not right, the whole situation. We need to be friends before anything else can happen. I miss you and think about you every day. I can't live like this anymore. He (OM) knows how I am feeling and knows we're over. I just have to go with him tonight because he planned this party out a while ago and his whole family will be there and I need to be there. I want to be with you tonight so bad but I also just cant hop back into our relationship like how it ended. I just need some time finally be alone and straighten everything out and jsut cant go from being with you, to not being with you, than back with you, everything jsut moved way too quickly with him and things are crazy, a lot of people are going to get hurt."

I agree and tell and her that I am absolutely in agreeance that there needs to be a friend period before anything. And if and when we got to the point of reconcilling the R, we will need MC, and then we will need FC to get the kids through this and understand what happened. I never opened up and exposed any of my feelings but she agreed to everything and jsut said she needs "a few days" to let OM go.

She looked great for once, not all drabbed out and ten years older, she had that glow the whole time. Even though I never expressed how any of my feelings other than thinking of her too, she just kept glowing.

We got into some light conversation however, that I need to know what's going on soon as the clock is ticking on my "moveout" schedule so I'd have to talk to her father about the house again. Again, "give me a few days" was the repsonse smiling.

After she stood up, she "tried" to leave at at least 3 times but kept walking back over by me apparently anticipating a hug or something. I wasn't falling back into that again like last time and just sat in my chair and said good-bye and happy new year each time.

Later on during my BIL's new years party I sent a couple texts to her to see how things were going. She only replied to the first as "Ok". After finally getting a signal on my darn phone at 12:20am I left her a VM just saying happy new year. Got a little preterbed by the fact of she misses and yet rings in a new year, a new beginning with OM.

Never heard anything back. Yesterday, my house-mate begins to give a hard time about how everything is all up in the air and nearly refuses to pay his rent. So I send W a text that we need to talk soon because I need to give people answers. No reply. So before going to bed I reitterate the same message.

Finally, at 7am this morning, W calls. I nearly decline the call, but think better of it and answer. She wanted to engage the conversation but I told her that I had to get ready for work so I have to go, I answered the phone so you wouldn't thing I was ignoring you. She asked what time i'd be home, I said normal time and we'll have to talk about then. She apologised for not ressonding on new years. Said she ahd a terrible time and was constantly fighting with OM all night and wanted to have somebody come pick her up from the party. She said she had to shut her phone off because apparently OM is all over her, checking numbers out and who she sends and gets mesages from.

So, more to come, but things are looking to finally start going in good direction.

[LonelyD]

WOW!!!!!

But don't look too deep into it yet. You are right "Believe non of what you hear and half of what you see" If I were a betting man I'd say she is close to hitting bottom, may have. WOW!!! But tread lightly. It would be very easy of you to get your hopes up, had it happen to me, and slam, down I went. Once you confirm he is gone, start the firends thing. I don't know for sure, but I have heard that things will move nicely once that stage starts. I'd love to even know I'll be in that situation soon. Good luck! All my prayers are with you. I need someone I am talking to get out of this in one piece, like AMYC and a few others. Maybe all these postives will rub off on me. You're good luck to T'Gone.

[dday101798]

Oh believe me, I have my reservations. We started down this road once before, once again at her request. I then, was like you now and said "not as long as OM is around". But, I think that may ahve worked to my advatage since this time she thought I'd say the exact same thing and said she was getting rid of him on her own before I ever got the chance to utter a word in edgewise.

I also still in the back of my mind question "is this just to delay my moving out?" "Is it just to buy more time for her to get her D stuff in order?". But, analysis of her condition and demeanor the other night, as well as tone on th phone this morning tells me otherwise. She looked healthy for the first time in months and had that glow. Her tone says "I know I've done wrong".

I showed her as close to zero emotion as possible. As said, she came back 3 times when going to leave and her body language screamed "hug me you fool", but I sat idle. Sounds as if she will delay picking the kids up until I get home tonight so perhaps there will another chance to feel things out.

I imagine it's a combination of things. Her R to OM hit that mythical 6 month mark. The holidays, and her entire family grilling her as to why she left me for a social slug like him. Her seeing my ability to take control of the house, meals and finances (she damn near had a heart attack when I told her I got a car loan). And finally, I have become a far better father to my boys, I spoiled them rotten this Christmas and actually do things with and for them again, what did OM do? Sit on his duff, demand dinner, push the kids away and complain about his problems all the time. That in itself would be an eyeopener to me if I were her, sure I wasn't, am not, and will never be "perfect", but I surely strive to be the better man than not.

[dday101798]

Oh and what ever did happen to T'gone?

[LonelyD]

HE still pops in to seem. He is doing great by some of his last posts. He was very supportive and upbeat even though his wife left him.

I am sitting here in awe of how close our sitch is, there were a couple of people who were close, but yours is freakishly close, even to the timing.

I know every one is different and I can't really gauge anything ff of yours, but it gives me more hope. Her family basically told her if they ever see this guy, they'll kill him. Things are not going well for her. But unfortunatley she is still with this POS. I can't believe she never called anyone and wished them a happy new years, way, way out of character for her. That is why I think her accident is more complicated than what she told me. I posted it over on my thread. I can't really pursue it with cop friends of mine, but i know the BS when I hear it. I want to believe she is in the same mode as your W right now, but I know she isn't. Oh yeah she must hit that wall, who knows maybe this car accident will do that. What she needs to consider is how badly she could've been hurt, or worse, so that she could go see him, yet he has a four wheel drive vehicle and couldn't come up to see her....LEt me tell you what he is in love with....Go to go, have a great day, keep me posted.

[dday101798]

I would love to start this out by proclaiming the two best words to come in my life recently: DIVORCE BUSTED.

However, in keeping with reality, that is not a 100% done deal, but DAMN close.

W waited at my house yet again for me to get home Friday night, and once again, train problems made me late. She called while I was on the train home and asked what the hold up was as she wanted to talk more. When I told her i'd be about another half hour, she opted to get together at a later time.

Satruday W, comes over with S10 and looks great. Heh, my BIL, his friends and 'house-mate' are in total shock when they come downstairs to the basement and see me and W sitting within a few feet of each other talking civily.

The basic extent, she professes she still has deep feeimings for me, thinks and dreams of me all the time and has created a huge mess an ddoesn't know yet how to get out of it and do "what's right" and "what her heart tells her". She continually asks if it will work and will I trust her. we went over the problems that lead to the seperation without any finger pointing and concluded in the end that we were both wrong, our marriage wasn't as bad as it seemed and our good times for outweighed the bad and we just need to do a lot of work and with some help.

I've always held comfort in the fact I NEVER EVER during all this heard that "I love you but I'm not in love with you" junk. i've only heard say she loves me to others and now to me directly.

Again, I played the poker face and refrained from any physical contact. I did however tell her how great she looked.

She now has to deal with the hole she has dug. I offered her to use my employee assistance insurance to see a counselor if she thinks that would help her through.

The big problem now is that since she never honored one of two requests that she not be with OM directly in front the boys, they are now "emotionally attached". Cute. Suppossidly in order to come and talk to me, she had to "kick him out" as he was being unreasonable about the fact she was coming over to talk to me. This apparently upset the boys.

all in all, we spent about 3 hours grueling through everything and she needs to undo the damage she's done and quickly. She said at one point, "I know you probably just want to get on with your life and don't want to wait this out and I uderstand." I said no, somethings are worth waiting for, saying to myself, yeah right, you hucked me to the way-side with no regret, what makes HIM so damn different.

So in a nutshell, she wants to "slowly put a wedge between them as not to hurt or confuse the kids even more". She did confess they are "engaged" of which I kind of chuckled at but all the while, she loves me and cant quit thinking of me and what she left behind and now just needs to clean things up.

So, before anyone jumps up and says "doormat" or "safety net" don't even bother. she is once again behaving and talking as the person I knew and loved dearly for 11 years. And yet i offered her no emotion, no plan and even said a couple of times, she needs to get moving soon, as 2/1 is coming quick and once i walk out that door, I won't look back. I did decide I am going to stay in the house another 6 months but have yet to officially announce. I'd like to hear her want me to stay first.

So ironic summary,

W is having a EA with plans to get reconcille with me against OM who she left me for to have a PA. LOL, life.

Haven't heard from her since, bu tI am going to call her now as I was a little upset that the boys were dropped at 6:40 this morning with no call or anything and could bhave been locked out until I got of the shower.