I know that there will probsbly be a lot of judgemental people responding to my story...that's okay though, I suppose I deserve it...I deserve it much more than I deserve my family back.
Married eight years, together nine...two kids four and six. So, it all really started about eight months ago. I was out of town for a month...I was having some relationship problems, we were fighting when I left, and she took her ring off and said that while I was gone, I really needed to think about if I wanted to stay in this relationship. Unfortunatly, I answered the question by having an affair. The affair lasted about two months...and ultimately, the OW told me that she was pregnant. I had told the W that I didn't think that we should be married anymore and she left. I came crashing down to reality (for a moment), and went to my wife, confessed everything and asked her to come back home. She did, and to her horror, I let her stay there for a month while I decided which girl I wanted to be with. Ultimately, I decided that I wanted to stay with my wife. She didn't want me to have contact with the OW anymore. I was scared that if I did that, she would use the baby to make things difficult for me...due to situations that I will leave out, it could have been really bad for me to let this get all out in the open. So, I kept in contact with her...in only what I thought was protecting myself (That is the God's honest truth, I discovered that she was lying in almost every way she could to try and become the "perfect mate", in an effort to take my W place...she's a bit on the psycho side). Things started getting better...we had some fights...about other things than the OW...we never did go to counseling to work through the OW issue. Then I really screwed up. At the end of November, she went out of town (I didn't because I had to work part of it), and ultimatly, after I was done with my work, I left town too. I had a friend going through a rough spot (horrible divorce), and I went to see them at their request. I lied to the W about it, because she wouldn't have understood (I understand now this was the wrong choice), because said friend was female. Nothing happened there, as it is a platonic relationship...although my W doesn't know the girl...didn't even really know about the girl. My W discovered I was lying, but didn't know what was really going on...I confessed to her...she said that she felt completely severed from me and left with the kids.
Since, I have seen here a couple of times...kid stuff...we seem to get along okay, unless it's talking about relationships. So, at the advice I got elsewhere, I prepped a lengthy apology, breaking down every little thing, acknowledging each thing, and apologing...then went LC...I call everynight to speak to my children. Also, have started going to church, and going to therapy to address my issues. Completely severed the OW relationship, as well as the friend that I went to visit...I even went so far as to sever a 13 year old friendship with a man that was intertwined on the A.
I had talked about the relationship with her after she left...I think it was prob counter productive...she got very angry and told me that she intends to file for serparation, then divorce...she wants to have a year before the D to have access to medical insurance and such. She also stated in that conversation...it was very early after she left...that she love me, but she didn't feel a romantic love for me.
hang in there, keep on the right path, you need to prove to her with actions not words that this time you do intend to stay away from ow, that you want to be a good H, give her some time, she is obviously terribly hurt and can't believe what you say. It's a long road, keep at it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Lost & Lonely check out rejoicemarriageministies.org save this website on your favorites list. Read pretty much everything they have got on there, this will keep you busy on the right track. Next go to the the walk-away-wife topic and look for the "moving out this weekend, please help thread!" posted by Hopeful Husband and read what I have been posting him because this is where you are at and right now your main focus needs to be your relationship with God more than your wife. I will check back on you.
I ran across rejoicemarriageministries.org last night, and I found it to be very helpful. My question though, that I cannot seem to find on there...I have chosen to become a stander...I have LC with my W, because of the children...she is a Christian as well, do I let her know that I am standing for the marriage, or do I play as I am moving on like I have had suggested in other places?
I have been working on my relationship with God, ever since she left...I always tried to do this while we were married, but attacks from the devil always pulled me out before I could totally let go...I havr totally let go to God now...could this have been God's plan...the wife leaving like this to get my attention and finally get me to return to Him?
Also, being that she's a Christian, do I somehow maybe let it slip about the other website...do you feel that this may help for her to read some of the things that are there?
Hi Lost: It could definitely be God's plan. Right now, however, you have to focus on God's plan for you. It may be that you have much learning to do, and that the learning could take a long time. I do not think that telling your W about this website will do anything, except make her angry. Anger is a natural emotion, and you have to let her feel the anger before she can process it, and move to the next phase. All is not lost...but you do need to let this take the natural progression that God has planned. Continue to work on you.
A long time ago I posted a possible similarity, so I am going to post to you to help you understand where she may be.
You have a job. You have been there a long time. Your boss is a jerk, your co-workers are a pain. You have flirted with a change. Now, you have decided that after too much betrayal by your job, you are going to take it. You're not necessarily happy about it, but feel that there is just too much water under the bridge for you to trust anyone there.
You leave, and your now former boss comes to you and says he promises things will change, that he will set limits with some coworkers and get rid of others.
Do you believe him? What has the past shown? You have choices, but you are anxious about trusting this person again. So you decide to stick with the new job, and possibly see what the future brings.
You are the job. Your wife is the worker. Now, your job is to show your wife, rather than tell her, that things will be different. The words don't mean squat. The actions are what counts. Pushing her in one direction or another will push her out the door, possibly permanently. She has been hurt, and must find a way to trust again. She will be watching you, trust me.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
..I havr totally let go to God now...could this have been God's plan...the wife leaving like this to get my attention and finally get me to return to Him?
My ordeal did put me closer to God, really brought me to my knees and showed me how far away I was from him.
As for acting as if you are moving on, I think that's a bad idea, to what purpose? it wouldnt' help anything, no more games, be yourself.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
That sounds great, just what I needed...NO MORE GAMES (That's what got me here in the first place...games. The theory that wa painted was to act confident and sure, and give the impression that I was moving on with or without her...I thought that it could be counterproductive myself...so...no talk in our LC about relationship issues, or what I am working on, just be myself and let her see the changes in me? I also have a couple of friends...mutual friends between me and W, and I did tell them that I wasn't giving up on the marriage, and I did ask them to pray and stand with me...that I feel should be okay, the more people praying, the better, right?
