Was that a speedbump or a milestone?

[job]

Sleeper,
She's really doing some projecting today. She's trying to push your buttons and make you feel guilty for not taking the kids when she asked you to. Well...she needs to grow up and accept responsibility for them when she has them over at her house. You are not the on call babysitter for her.

Please do not buy into her BS, for that's what it is....BS. If she allows you to get a word in edgewise, say "X, I'm very sorry you feel that way. I have to go now." Gently hang up the phone and don't pick up for a while. She's really got to stop this BS.

The next time she tries to guess who the lady is, ask her why she's interested in knowing who it is. That just might stop her in her tracks for a bit. I guess she's not realized what a divorce means, but she's learning the hard way and the longer she spews the BS, the more you will need to distance yourself from her.

Take care.

[forward]

Sleeper, All of us on here are familiar with the ranting and raving, so do realize that I've been there.

You're going to have to put up with some of it for a while as you are taking a . Setting the boundaries is fair and realistic and, as snodderly pointed out, she needs to respect you and your time and your life. It's scary, but a good thing in the long run AND in the short run. If you wouldn't put up with it from a friend, you should not have to from her.

She may not let on, but she will respect you for it. Although I can't claim any kind of stunning success in other areas, respect DID increase when I set boundaries.

You have done a good job of being kind; you can continue to do that while you GAL. You don't have to rub things in her face, but you can be mysterious

And continue to be dark as much as you can.

What if, when she asks if you are mad, you tell her the truth? That you are not angry but that you didn't deserve this kind of outrage?

[Andabelle]

I love it!

[SirPrizeMe]

Sleeper you know what to do. Set up that boundary and maintain it. It will be good for you, for the kids, and for her too. she won't like it, it will feel unnatural to all of you, but it's the right thing. Live well, and independently.

[sleeper]

So she called about midday. She said she was sorry we fought but then the discussion began to degrade into another fight. Before the convo was over she said it might be beneficial for us to get together and talk over our differences and different viewpoints. I was tempted to request that occur with a counselor present but I didn't. Her attitude was one of me being the bad guy, of course. She mentioned again she believes I'm being passive-agressive, the children should come first (barf) yadda yadda.

Thanks all for the comments.

Snodderly I did ask, "So that's what this is all about?" when she asked who I was with. She immediately hung up as the phone went dead.

Andabelle you're wrong for that (and I love it).

Breton, If I say anything along the line of not deserving her spew she immediately launches into a vitrolic littany of my failings in the M and what she has suffered (read I'm ultimately entitled between those lines). I've tried; that was years ago, I can't change the past, etc. to no avail. When this began the counselor even told her we can choose to live in the past, the present or the future. I once told her to, "Pull your head out of your past!" but it obviously did no good.

"Hold still laddy!" Unknown teacher, Pink Floyd's "The Wall"

We don't need no mid life crisis.
We don't need no thought control,
no dark sarcasm in the bedroom.
Hey, crisers leave you X alone!

All in all it's just a,
another brick in The Wall.

Go on,
do it again.

Go on,
do it again.

If you don't let go,
how can you find your footing?

Stand still laddy!

(Sung to the tune of Pink Floyd's, "The Wall")

[job]

God, she's like a broken record! You? Passive-agressive? It sounds to me like she is. How does she think the two of you can actually sit down, talk about your differences and view points calmly? I can just see that now....you open your mouth and the spewing begins again. She's got to release the past and live in the present and look to the future. You can't go back and repair the past, only learn from those mistakes during that time. She needs to be in an anger management class to help her deal w/the anger she's got festering.

As for your children....from what you've posted, you adore your children and would do anything for them, except babysit them the other day. She definitely wants you at her beck and call. She definitely doesn't want you seeing someone and definitely doesn't want you to move on w/your life and hopefully have a relationship w/someone new.

Please try to distance yourself from her, set your boundaries and adhere to them. I'm very sorry you are having to deal w/her anger these days. I had hoped she would have grown up a bit, but she's still an angry woman.

[SirPrizeMe]

What would the point be - sitting down and airing your differences? isn't that what people do when they are MARRIED ?
Sheesh.

[forward]

Sleeper, I guess I am the one hanging on to the past in the marriage. When H claims he has changed, I want to say that he has proved unreliable too frequently. With that said, you've had time to build up some new history, so to speak, and prove you have been reliable.

I would suggest that you DO suggest having a counselor present. This could be opportunity to have a real conversation.

Maybe this would be a good step.

[Andabelle]

I wouldn't do it. She's just gonna yell at you.

Why don't the kids always come first with HER?!

[sleeper]

Thanks All,

I had many of the same thoughts. I will not sit down with her unless there is a counselor or mediator present. I also believe it would turn into a b*tchfest with me on the recieving end.

Our last "marriage" counseling (really an exit counseling) was a little over two years ago. She was stonyfaced, resolute, and even snapped at the C (that was confirmation according to him that she was in "crisis").

A little voice in me asks, could this be an opening to restoration of our M? But with her track record it's more likely motivated by her looking for a way to maintain the cake eating she has enjoyed for two years by having someone else explain to me how unreasonable and passive-agressive I'm being and that I should do as she wishes.

She must notice a change in me as I have declined to do little things she has asked of late, albeit doing some, have begun dating readilly admitting it to her and not watched the kids for the first time when I easily could have.

Her and her sibling (both terribly abused as children) have this weird behavior of projecting onto another exactly the unacceptable behavior they are displaying. She once beat on me til I was literally black and blue but she says I am physically abusive. I've never really learned how to respond to that except to ignore it.

She was always a little crazy but it got much worse when mlc hit.

Irrational behavior defies rational explanation.