It's good that you have that introspection about yourself. I'm also glad that you are taking responsibility for the choices you made. Remember, just because he is choosing to walk away right now, doesn't mean that will happen. Keep doing everything you can do to show him what kind of a woman you are now, the changes you have made, and what he will be missing. He will notice even if you think he doesn't. It's not over until it is over.
I read lots of these posts where couples are in crisis, separated or even divorced and they still manage to do family things which must be so fantastic for kids. Must make them feel that they still have some semblance of family security. That mum and dad are able to put crap aside and focus on their needs.
In my sitch there is no way H would do family stuff. I dont believe he would no more suggest dinner or outing as a family than fly. I used to often ask him but in last few months he either refused or laughed and said NO. He did want xmas but that was because it suited his plans .
It does not bother me except for when i hear others doing family stuff. I think then we are doing our kids a real disservice and making this separation even harder for them.
Both H and i come from very steady still married parents and grandparents ( although died - they never divorced ) no one in our families can tell us how our kids might be feeling or how to help them through this . We all know that they will be hurt for their entire lives in some way but I want that minimised.
It has been a while since i posted. That is because I do not have anything worthy yo report. No success story here.
H seems very resolved in his decision and so i am forced to accept it. I hate the thought of OW and no doubt always will.
You cant spend 30 years with someone and not constantly look back at everything you have shared. What has changed in me is that i don't so much look forward at what we are going to miss. I accept that he chooses not to share the future so I look at everything ahead of me as being about just me. That was not an easy thing to do. but it sure helps the healing.
Time does bring clarity and I personally feel 100% better than i did months ago and I hope that newcomers make take that as my success story. I did everything wrong when H decided to take up with his new friend. Needy, whiny etc. That did not work. Then I tried Dbing , maybe not so well and that did not work. So I gave up and I think that may be working for me.
I am a great believer in never say never but i also know that time does not stand still for any man.
I wished H had found this site rather than me as I think he would of got a lot of support from other men who have been in his situation. So many good people out there with such similar stories. Anyway that is just another wish that cant happen.
I really don't have any advice for you. It is admirable that some families are able to do that, but I wonder how confusing it is for the kids. Or, for me, it is all so fresh, that I have already been confused (twice!) and let down (twice!), so the only thing I can do for me is walk away. Completely, except for the kids.
I hear your pain. I wish I could do something for you. I hate that we are all here. I hate that we can't forgive and be forgiven. I hate that some of us are able to move forward while others are stuck in quicksand. I hate that some of our spouses are willing to do anything to get us back and others are happy to crucify us on whichever cross is closest. I hate all of it.
But I only have control over me. And you only have control over you. So, I am looking at making me happy. What would make me the most happiest person on earth right now, is Fairhope, Alabama. I don't know anyone there. But I love that town. I love Point Clear. I don't care anymore about the stupid hurricanes. I want to be there. So I am going to start looking at a way to get there. It will finally be what I want instead of what everyone else wants. That is a freeing thought.
Good luck. I will keep checking in on you.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Thanks M. It sounds great that you have a plan. That is what i mean when i say that giving up is working for me. It is not about getting H back anymore it is all about thinking ahead for me and my kids.
It is great that you have a destination to aim for. Yes do it for you. i also have plans and they seem so huge at the moment but one step at a time and i know i will get there.
i will check your thread as well.
And your right about control. I think i was a control freak before but that has been my big learning curve here and I no longer have to be involved or know anything. I just deal with what is important to me. Funny thing is , it is quite nice sitting back and letting other people do things and organise things. Learning this lesson has been hard but there is no way I can control H or anything he does, so i had to accept and let it all go. Freeing really.
I am back on the board after having been gone more than a month...
I wanted to say hello to you. I have just caught up on your posts, You sound very good and I am glad, you really sound as though you have found a place of comfort and contentment, your own safe harbor....sort to speak.
I, like you, have learned a lot about "me" and that is one of the best things to come from this life altering event. I would not trade what I have learned for anything. I actually like who I am again and that alone is priceless.
I think things can only get better from here.
I am proud of who I am and have learned to hold my head high once again, it sounds like you are there too and it is a great feeling......
Please take care of yourself and continue to look forward....the sun shines on the road ahead....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
