It probably depends on where you are in the situation and the people involved. For example, if it's still early in an affair and things haven't gone too far, or the spouse involved is kind of on the fence about things, putting down boundries may help. On the other hand, if the A has developed, the spouse is beginning to lean towards leaving the M, putting down boundries may just give them a convenient excuse to leave (of course, at that point they will look for any excuse).
i agree with all 3 of you, it's a fine line to cross re:putting your foot down/setting boundaries etc.
In my sitch, H didn't know about my PA until i 'dropped the bomb' - before that i wasn't able to tell H about my dissatisfaction and subsequent A. The day i told him then he did want to talk to me about what was wrong, but i was 'done' so to speak, ready/wanting to leave and not willing to talk/listen to H. I told him that he had had 15 years to talk to me and i'd given up - a typical WAW attitude, i'm afraid!
Only when H started to move on himself did i realise that this was not what i wanted. My OM(s) were very similar to H only not as nice/supportive/loving etc. I can say that H attitude probably resembled a lot the DB 'LRT' to an extreme, since he found another W pronto after i left home and that made me realise that i ddint' want a life without him.
I think that both I and H were unhappy with our situation and neither of us were able to talk about it. I want to change that, so that i am not afraid to speak up and clearly say what's wrong BEFORE taking any action that i would regret.
Me49-WAW H46 T25 S17D14S10 Sep.jan08,PA,back Apr08,H PA Dec08,end09 New Thread
Mo3, I just finished reading your first thread and just wanted to say thank you for posting your story and your questions. My H also has said the "Let's go ahead and D and then maybe someday we'll be able to come back together in a new M." I was the same as you, like WTF???!!! It was good to read everyone's take on it. (((Hugs))) and thank you.
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
Regardless of how you feel about the sitch at hand, this is a great place to come for support.
How was your Vacation?
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
well I'm in it for the long haul. I think that's what makes us real men. The ability to stand up and protect our family. Our integrity is what makes us the better option.
It's like in the Dark Knight when Batman has a chance to let the Joker plunge to his death, but instead saves him because it's the right thing to do. No matter how bad or evil we see our spouse , we believe in them still and in our relationships
This is a quote from a male who posts on this site. It is how I would like my H to feel. Will it ever happen , I dont know.
Today I feel abandoned by H. Is it his fault ... No I had an A. I have no right to ask the above of him.
Is it his choice .....Yes.
I hurt, my kids hurt, our families hurt and our friends hurt.
Whose fault is the pain - mine initially by having an A and Hs now as he puts himself ahead of his family. Do I blame him ... NO. He does what he feels he needs to do to protect himself. He would of not been in this position if I had never had an A.
Why is it that some men can decide to protect their family and other dont. Who is right nd who is wrong . I dont know but I do think that if I was forgiven then H heart would open up again and I would notbe posting this
The hurt stops for the kids and family when I move on. My kids are torn between their love for their father and the love for their mother. They hated seeing me crying and starving and on sleeping pills. It all had to stop and I had to choose that. I do not take pills anymore, I do not cry and I eat better.
"Our integrity is what makes us the better option"
AND...
"We believe in them still and in our relationships"
I have realized that it takes them (our H's) a very long time to sort out their feelings and recognize that they really do love us and their families and that they really want what they already have/had. It takes a long time for the Fog To Lift and the Rose-Colored Glasses to come off. For most this never happens. For a few lucky ones, who remained standing for a variety of reasons, their S's come home. The work is trying and painful and not for the faint of heart.
I believe that it does boil down to an issue with trust and forgiveness. It does not matter "our" crime. Once we have betrayed them (in their eyes) it takes a heck of a lot of time and consistent behavior on our part to melt the barrier around their heart that they have built. To regain the trust you once had is very difficult to obtain. My H has actually said that he has forgiven me but still does not trust me. I do think they are separate issues to most who leave their S's and families.
My H does forgive me and that is apparent in the friendship we have rebuilt.
My H does not trust me and that is apparent in the fact he will not recommit to the marriage.
"Testing the Waters" is something he does on a regular basis. It has not been without pain and a price.
You see, the price for me is that I have lost trust, too. I have lost the feelings of security. I have lost my innocence about marriage and relationships in a way. It will probably never come back for me. Regardless of any relationship I have in the future with or without H, these have been lost to me and will take a very long time to regain if ever I can. I will never take anything for granted or assumption again.
BUT, I can still move forward....only with a more wide-eyed approach than I had before. I have realized that I have a remarkable ability to overcome fears and challenges that are thrown at me. I do know that I will be more cautious and reluctant to give myself up completely in any relationship. I guess what I am saying is that this has left scars that will never fade.
The sadness will come and go for a very long time....
The sadness will pass...yes, it will. Someday it will not be so raw, it will however remain in our memories for the rest of our days.
I am glad you posted M, please keep it up...there is a therapy in journalling your thoughts and feelings and trials. We are not here to judge but to listen and offer friendship. It is a place where we can all go where we are truly understood. And that is a good thing.
I am thinking of you and I wish you well.....
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
For any unfaithful spouses out there I thought i would share with you what i have learned about why i had an A.
It may even help those ( like H ) whose spouses have had an affair understand a little better and see that often with understanding as to why someone had an A you can heal and fix the problem.
For me the anger I had not only made me think I could have an affair but it triggered how I treated H and others for many years. I thoughht the problem was him and everyone else and now i know better.
Sadly for me to late but my kids certainly have a much better mother now. So anyway here goes:
Shame-Based Anger: Thats me
I was someone who needed a lot of attention and was very sensitive to criticism and so I developed this style of anger. The slightest criticism set off my own shame. Unfortunately, I did not like myself very much. You would never of known this if you had ever met me. I laugh, I thought i was a good friend and mother, I was confident and strong.
But I felt worthless, not good enough, broken, unloveable. So, when someone ignored me or said something negative, I took it as proof that the other person dislikes me as much as I disliked myself. I often thought how I hated how I behaved but I could not stop because I did not understand.
But that made me really angry, so I lashed out. I thought, "You made me feel awful, so I'm going to hurt you back." I got rid of my shame by blaming, criticising, and ridiculing others. My anger helped me get revenge against anybody I thought shamed me. I avoided my own feelings of inadequacy by shaming others.
Raging against others to hide shame doesn't work very well. I usually ended up attacking the ones I loved. This was husband, mother , father etc
I continued to be oversensitive to insults because of my poor self-image. My anger and loss of control only made me feel worse about myself.
For me this was evident in how i handled conflict with my kids teachers, friends, in laws everything. As soon as i felt threatened in i charged , saying whatever I felt like. i put H down , called him names etc.
I did only what i knew how at the time and having come through this painful process of affair and separation and councilling i know better.
I am calmer, more reasonable and see lots more good in peoples intentions than before. It has cost me my marriage and it has hurt my children to the core.
I think that this lesson has been the silver lining. Everything has its purpose. I no longer am angry.
It is brave of you to share with the rest of us. How did you come to the decision of shame-based anger? Just curious, mostly about the other types. I think I understand why I had the A, but I always want to understand and have more insight.
Like you, I felt like cr@p on the inside. I never felt like he wanted me. Maybe it was true. But maybe it wasn't. I only looked at the things that confirmed he didn't love me, because he had told me he only married me because I was pregnant. He wishes he had never said it.
Anyway. This is not about me. I'm just curious is all.
Sanderika, I get the same from my H. He *says* he forgives me, but he refuses to recommit to the marriage. Can't say I blame him, except that I blame him.
Mof3, I will wait patiently for you to share your knowledge!
Mel
"Standing knee deep in a river and dying of thirst."
It was working with a C which I wish I had done on my own years ago that we talked about anger. Anger is not about shouting and yeling and hitting, there are all sorts of forms.
This type of anger where you dont value yourself is ME. You would never ever know that I was like that. Confident, sure of myself, great sense of humor but deep down without realising it or recognising it I was scared and unsure. It was the most amazing thing when i really thought about it and when I started thinking differently.
I must admit this all happened when I was forced to face up to who i was and what i had done. BUT I also know that the past is the past and cannot be changed but it can be learnt from. The future is what matters now.
I was once asked by my Hs C what it was that I loved about H. My answer then was his dependability, his security and his ability to get the job done. These are all traits that underneath I did not possess. He had what i wanted and that made me angry without me knowing i was angry if you can undestand. My anger came out in harsh cruel demeaning words.
Everyone brings something from there childhood or family that is not so good and as adults we are meant to recgnise destructive behaviours and adjust. This is what adults do. I did not. This lead me to behave in a destructive , disrepectful way and not just towards H but everyone. If you could talk to my H he would tell you that I would mess wih the kids heads etc He was right but not now. Now i have changed and I actually quite like me. I am open and vulnerable.
Another chance at my M would show H that between us we could have everything we both desired in a loving mature relationship. Ours would be rich also in love, friendship ,history, children, grandchildrenand fun.
It was because of this that I fought for my M. It also p$%#@ me off that I am unable to break the barrier wall down with H for him to see exactly what he is walking away from.
I know that if we started to do some fun things together, family things , romantic things then he would see the changes. But he wont do any of those things so he walks away from someone whom he now does not know. I know i am the person he probably always hoped i would be. He was patient and kind and was thinking in time we would get there. I doubt we ever would of without having put each other through this pain. Why - because I could not take critisium or fault without putting it back on him. I was not listening.
He walks away from something that could if he would take that risk with me be wonderful. That is his choice and because I am the one at fault then i must respect that.
