Listen to LonelyD he is right on target with all that he says. I am pretty much at the same point that he is and it has taken me months to get here against all odds and what everyone else says except for one friend that is going through the same thing. His focus and belief is very strong in God as is mine. You can not fix this, it is best to let them take there own road as much as it hurts us to see the one we love go through what we know we could help them avoid if they would listen to us, ironically listening to us is the last thing they want or even think is logical at all to them. So yes it will take them going the wrong way until they hit rock bottom. I know that my wife is struggling from things that I can see or sense from a distance. If you really know your wife you will be able to tell that all is not as good as they make it seem, I will say you start to pick up on these things when you are over your personal shock and are successfully working on yourself that is when you become more acute to just how your wife is doing. If you want to get an inside look as to what is going on in your wife's life and mind right now I would highly recommand reading "The Prodigal's Perspective" and "Finding the Way Home" by Bob Steinkamp from rejoice marriage ministries. Work on your relationship with God like we all need to do for God will reward you. Also know that whatever you ask of the Lord in his name that he will give it to you. Pray for your wife to seek God. Pray for God to send angels and people across her path to minister to her. YOU CAN NOT minister to her for it will drive her further away. You need to pray that God will intervene and work his plan and for your marriage. Love you brother keep your focus on God.
HH it is very important to do this right now and for at least 8 weeks, DO NOT PURSUE OR TRY TO UNDERSTAND WHAT AND WHY YOUR WIFE IS DOING THIS!!! Do not analyze her it will drive you insane, trust me on this. There isn't a damn thing you can do right now, other than yourself.
This is a quote form another posting I did over on my listing.
"You do not know this person anymore, she is a stranger to you. you will need to go throguh some phases with her to reapir your marriage. You will not need to do any of it while she is with him. She is moving on and so should you. Nothing I do is about her or for her. It is for me, my kids, my dog, the bird my friends....Not HER!. I love my W very much. She continues on with OM because she feels this is where she needs to be to be happy. whatever (hate that word)! I have forgiven a lot of what she has done. But I will not entertain being friends with her outside of these family gatherings until he is gone. My life is good without her. It would be better with her, but I cannot and will not hang my hat on it. God has talked to me, He has shown me things about myself I never realized. He has given me strength I did not know I had. He has shown me patience I never had and He has shown me true forgiveness. I have learned the power of prayer and I have learned to believe in myself again. I am very confident, have strong self esteem and I am very independent. She is not confident, licves in a world of self lies and self justification, has no independence worth bragging about and low self esteem. She has not rationlized her life and her choices because she has not realized these are mistakes. Her father told her the other night she is screwing her life up and making the ultimate mistake. I explained to him that she is not in a rational world right now. His GF told him the same thing. We both told him that when she does get to that point she will fall hard. You need to realize that your W may or may not really want to be friends. My guess is it is just antoher way for you to enable her life. If you are not comfortable being friends, then don't. If she is with OM, you are out. That is the short of it. You are out. I am out. We are out. I give you this, at the end of tis lesson, we are the prize. We will become the best people we can be because we need to reiscover ourselves and find the true self. To be the type of person we like, to be the type of person we would want to know, to be the person who can change peoples lives by just being involved in theirs. This is true self. I have done it. It is not hard. It is painful, but not hard. And once you discover yourself, staying true to yourself is very easy.
God bless, keep you safe. Make no mistake, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your tunnel. "
Your juorney for yourself is just beginining. Find yourself discover who you really are and either become that person or make changes to become that person. do not become a safety net. do not let her use you as a doormat. Self esteem, confidence, independence and a feeling of self are what you need. God will help you. You do not have to be religious, I am not. But I have become a believer. You have us here to bouncce things off of. You cannot fail in your journey, know this. If you fall, and you tell us, we will help pick you up, but thisjourney is yours. I never thought I 'd make it this far. I have learned much and continue to do so. No one can love you, if you do not love yourself.
I would agree with your above post LonelyD. I have come to the same point. I would like to help people that are going through the same pain, just knowing how much this hurts makes me want to help others. I love my wife very deeply with all my heart. She is in the exact same boat as your wife from all that I have seen. She has friends that she thinks are really her friends but in time she will find out other wise. I figure it is just a matter of time before she does fall hard but when who knows when, however I would like to be there for her when she does fall. I keep praying for her for God is in control, he will not give up on her. The test for me is to have the strength to not give up as well. Everytime I have prayed for God to give me a sign he has not let me down, and some of these signs have amazed me just blown me away, but it lets me know that God is in contol and he is still working in our marriage. I journal these things and was reading back over the past few months, it's good that I have been writing things down cause it is amazing just how much he is doing, so I am sure he is doing much more than what I can see. Here is a quote "Pray hardest when it is hardest to pray." Charles H. Brent. I think our wives need our prayers more now than ever and more than they know. A lot of thier bad reactions to us are the battlefield in thier mind with the Holy Spirit speaking to them and satan constantly lieing to them and making them believe and feel comfortable about thier bad dicisions. They live in a fog and don't realize it, when they do hit rock bottom this will be why they hit so hard and wonder so many why's and questions and what have they done. I would like to be there to love and support my wife, she is going to need it more than ever. I pray that she seeks the Lord and then I hope I am there for her when she needs the help. Praise God.
Let me start off by saying that I hope you guys had a very good holiday. I am up in Virginia visiting some family and I've got to say that it is probably the best thing right now. Don't get me wrong. Being without my wife for Christmas was brutal but being up here to spend time with my family and my little nephew has taken me out of the situation of being at home. They are very supportive and mom's home cooking has helped me eat more normally.
My wife called on Christmas. She wanted to talk to the whole family but ended up talking to only me. She got nervous and didn't want to talk to the rest. She is upset because no one from my family has contacted her since we have announced the divorce. I tried to explain to her that my family is actually afraid to contact her because they don't know what to expect. Especially my mother. The last time they talked my wife blew up at her and threatened a couple of things. I wanted to support my wife in her arguement but she was very wrong about how she handled the whole situation. My mother was devistated. I have only heard her cry three times in my whole life. That was one of them. I explained to her that they would love to talk to her and still loved her very much. She said that she couldn't do it and left me with a message to tell them. It ended up being a long conversation. There was laughing, crying, anger, she ran the whole gammet. She told me three times how special and amazing I was and how great of a guy I was and how I deserved to be happy. I tried to use as many DB techniques as I could and explained to her that I knew that I deserved to be happy that she didn't need to explain that to me and that it really didn't mean much at this point coming from her because she was walking away from our marriage. I told her that if I was so amazing and such a great catch and she wasn't looking for something different then I couldn't make sense of her actions but I respected that she was an adult and had to make her own decisions. In one breath she was telling me how great of a person I was and in the next telling me how I was so horrible to her and how her insides were like "raw hamburger from me constantly cutting into her verbally". She said that I needed some one a little more "boring" and not some one as out going and interesting as herself. Some one that "would be there to take care of everything around the house and have dinner ready when I get home". She just doesn't get it. I wanted help not a maid! She was thanking me for being the best thing that ever happened to her in one breath and cutting me down and telling me how horrible I was in the next so her actions would be justified. You are absolutely right LonelyD. If I try to rationalized this or try to figure out what is going through her head I will drive myself absolutely insane. She said that she still wants a family eventually and even if she doesn't have another man in her life she wants to eventually adopt a child and start her family. She is on way to many celebrity gossip websites and I think she thinks she wants to be like Angelina Jolie or Brittney Spears or something. She seriusly follows that stuff way too closely and it is like she is trying to live it out. She was also doing a cynical laugh while explaining things to me at times. This is somehting that has been going on alot during conversation lately. There is no understanding this for me. I am not even going to try. This is in God's hands. He is doing work within me to make me the best person I can be. I am making lists of goals for the new year and I am excited about my tranformation. I will still love my wife very very much but it will be up to her to figure out what she lost and come knocking at my door. I have done everything that I can. God is in control.
As far as waiting at least 8 weeks as you say. If she has it her way this whole divorce will be over in 8 weeks. Then what do I do?
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
Divorce is a piece of paper. You do what you are doing and what you need to do to be the best person you know. You need to limit your conversations with her. she is using you for a sounding board it sounds like. she feels bad in one breath and justifies in the other. Misery loves company.
I am also having a terrible time. rescued her twice on christmas, ran out of gas then got a flat. She is bouncing checks she wrote to buy xmas presents and thought she got paid this week, its not until next week. I have asked God to tell me when this will end and now I see serious burden (reality) being thrust upon her. She owes a double car paymetn, overdrawn fees at the bank, 130 for car ins that I will not give in to and cover the checks she wrote. And now has to buy at least one tire for her car, there's about 125.00. Her father really laid into her Xmas eve, I wasn't part of it or near it, I had already left.
All this is very hard. I write you this because I am living it. the D word has not surfaced. Tax time she will get another shot in the ass, I am filing single head of household. she walked and my money support this house. I know she will ask me to file jointly and split the money, wrong answer. She will then ask me to do her taxes, annnmmmmmm, wrong answer. I have to think that far ahead. I wish this would end by then, but it is 5 weeks away and she shows no signs of coming back to me right now. Keep the faith, I am here for you. Just try to minimize your conversations with her, believe nothing she says and only half of what you see. Justification is her poison, forgiveness, the cure..
HH and LonelyD it sounds like you are both on the right track. I think I am there too. Today I had thought about talking to my in-laws since it has been over 8 months since our seperation and near divorce. My father in law has been down this road so he should understand where I would be coming from but it is daughter. Anyway I just wanted to let them know how much I love my wife and care about her and that I would like to keep my commitment to her and God and stand for our marriage. I'm not sure if it would go in the direction of beneficial or the direction of disaster. All I know to do is pray about it and see what God leads me to do. For the most part her dad and me always got along and seem to have had a pretty good relationship with each other. HH I would say that if you do talk to your wife at any time to really think about what you are about to say before you do simply because with the way our wives think right now they have the ability to take just about anything you say and twist and turn it far from what you intended. They are right that we have made our fair share of mistakes but they are not in the mental thought of any kind of forgiveness, they would rather continuing with this victim mentality. Understand thier hearts are very hard and they have one heck of of security wall built around themselves right now. We love our wives and want them back but this needs time and God's grace and hand at work along with our constant prayers and unconditional love. Stay strong and focused on God. Pray for your wife daily and for her to seek God.
I am sure you have noticed that my thread has kind of stalled out the past several days. To tell you the truth the holidays hit me hard. I was out of town till the 30th visiting family. Thank God for them, it helped. Xmas on the 25th, my bday on the 29th. Traveling and seeing all the happy couples in the airports and such. Then I come back to Orlando just in time for New Years. Coming back to a house that is not mine and was empty I think depressed me the most. To be completely honest with you as the New Year rang in I was reading your thread. All of the negativity and darkness your were going through was almost exactly the way I have been feeling. During the last minute of 2008 I watched the ball drop on TV with tears in my eyes and all alone. I too planned on going to a party but my wife went to the same party. It was not a good idea that we went to the same party. I then shut off the TV and prayed for a while. I was on the verge of loosing it. I slept in till about 2pm on the 1st. Not very productive but if I am sleeping I do not feel the pain.
Lonely D I am saying this not to depress you further. I am telling you this because like everyone here you have inspired me early on. Don't give up man. I think you are on the right track about living on not expecting her to come back but still having an open heart for what the future may hold. Amy C seems to really know her stuff. I wish she would maybe drop by here. As for your ring that is up to only you. You would not be showing weakness either way. When my wife and I were starting to have serious problems in early October I lost my ring. Seriously! It fell off. It was a little big and on a cool morning my fingers shrunk I guess. I was on the phone with a client when I noticed that it was missing. I calmly ended the call then prceeded to freak out. I looked everywhere. I was so upset. People at the office jokingly said it was an omen. If they only knew. No one knew about our situation at that point. I called my wife very upset and asked her if she could go home at lunch and look for it. She seemed more irritated that I was interupting her lunch plans than the fact that I lost my ring. It was never found. Several people asked if she might have taken it off of me in my sleep. My mom even had a dream that she did (before it even happened, I didnt find this out till this past weekend). I like to think that she would not do something so terrible and until I am proven wrong I will stick with believing that. The strange thing is LD after all the possesions I have had to let go in the past month that is the one I miss the most. That is the one thing I want more than anything. I would still be wearing it. I know I would. But maybe that is why it is gone. Maybe God needed to take it away because he knew I wouldn't let it go alone. Like you LD I have so many questions. Many that we know may never be answered.
You have also helped me to realize that I too have not forgiven my wife completely. I have told her that I have but I am not sure anymore. I go through every emotion several times a day. I can be happy when I see an image of her and then quickly grow angry about her leaving our marraige and that usually ends in extreme sadness. You are absolutely right if you think all of this is not fair. Maybe its not supposed to be fair LD. Maybe this is a test for us. I am pretty young. I just turned 27 years old. Some might say that my whole life is still a head of me. That is both exciting and very scary at the same time. Like you I am not giving up. I will instead go on living as if she will never return to my arms but have an open heart as long as I can. She has done much to hurt me but I made a promise to her, myself, and God that I would love her and be there for her forever. The thought of moving on to another woman scares the hell out of me. It is hard at this point to retrain my heart to think that I could love another as much as I loved her. I DID NOT settle. She was the one. I wanted a family and life long partnership with her more than I have wanted anything in this world. I have must have seen thousands of people in my travels this past week. Not one as beautiful as she. As far as being friends. She says she wants me in her life because I am such an "amazing" person. Go figure. When the time is right I plan to tell her that I cannot be her friend. My friends do not lie to me and she has constantly (lately). I will tell that when she is ready to be absolutely honest with me she can contact me. Until then please stay out of my life.
This is a new year LD. I have made lists. Goals, plans, inspirations, thoughts, and desires. She is not on any of them. She does not have to be. I cannot forget about it even as badly as I want to at times. At this point I would bet that I will be divorced by the end of February. Everyone knows this is not my choice especially God and myself. There is not a damn thing I can do about it!!!! I HATE that. As men we are "fixers". This is not something we can fix. Maybe that is why it is so hard. They have to make the choices for them selves whether it is good for them or not. All we can do is sit back, say a prayer, and wish them the best. I pray several times a day that God watches over her but if she makes a mistake that is her choice not his. I have done all I can. It is in his hands now, he will lead me to a better life. Hang in there LD and anyone else reading this.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
HH well said, I feel the same way about my wife but there is nothing I can do but pray. I am in the same boat as you so don't feel like the Lone Ranger.
On a good note. My roomate and his wife (read previous posts for explanation) are trying to make it work. They went up to New York for New Years and they have been spending alot of time together. The are doing the whole date thing and are having fun together. They are not ready to move in together yet but they want to take it slow. I think thats a good idea. I am so happy for them. It is kind of bitter sweet ya know. I have been praying for them as well as everyone here on the board. God is at work. I think maybe they were ready for this and he knew it. I wish them the best. I wish maybe my wife would get inspired but I don't see that happening unfortunately. Like I said, I need to let him work and do his thing. This will all pan out some how. We all just need to remain positive. I know that if I dont the alternative is a very dark place. Take care of yourself Sooners. Good night.
M 27 W 26 M 4.5 Years T 6 years Bomb Oct. '08; "ILYBIANILWY", "You don't fit into my life", "Our marriage had to have been a mistake because it is not working".
Wow, yall are just like my sitch. My wife said that in the past God always knocked her upside her head and told her to come back to me, but not this time. This time she feels God is telling her its ok to walk. I tried emailing her bible versus that said otherwise to and just got further in trouble as far as angering her. I am finally learning to step back after I read DR and I am praying with faith now and I know that God is working on her even though I may not see it right now. You have to pray with faith like he is doing it now though. This whole thing has forced me back to God before where as I left him for many years in our marriage. One thing my sister told me to pray tonite is for the conversion of my wifes soul and that God's will be done not mine. But that if it is his will for us to reconcile, please let it happen. And the others are right. Its a tough road now. There are up and down days and you have to keep your faith no matter how dark it looks and just let God take control. This one is out of our hands and the more we try to control it, the worse it gets. It truly is a spiritual war going on. I tried telling all this to my wife and she disagreed and then even said she can just be forgiven of her sins. Just keep staying out of it, do what God expects of you as a Christian, husband, and father if you have children and pray to him and let him fight it. Also do what DR says to, and keep in mind, DR is pretty much telling you the same thing as what you need to do to let God fight it as far as staying out of it and letting her come back to you. Good luck to you, and the rest of us and just keep your faith strong no matter what. I'm not looking forward either to what I may have to witness from my wife before a turning point occurs. But I have stand up and face it and stay out of it no matter what if I want God on my side fighting for this marriage. May God bless all of us and I know he will work things out. It just may not be in our timing. It usually isn't. Its in his.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
