Hello everyone. yes its 4 am and I cant sleep. I have been working on a writing assignment..."Someone once said, "A person is not prepared to live until he is prepared to die." What do you think that means? Do you agree or disagree? Why?" As my mind was spinning on experiences in my life and my thoughts on this subject it brought me to some other thoughts... Thoughts on how so many of us here have worked really hard facing our fears, taking responsibility for our roles in where we are today. Most of us have been frustrated with a spouse who wont take responsibility for their part and choose instead to attempt to run from it. Why? Its not any easier. So is it fear? what is it? no self discipline? character flaws? the way they were brought up? more and more, we see people refusing to take responsibility for their actions and insisting that someone else pay for the results. Why do you think that is so?
Sue, you werewondering who said the following: "A person is not prepared to live until he is prepared to die" I don't know who said it, but I believe it means we must be cognizant that life is short in order to appreciate it and live a full rich life. I do know that the lead singer of the Smiths, Morrisey, once said "laying in my bed, I think of life and I think about death and neither one particularly appeals to me"
As far as a spouse who wont accept responsibility - don't waste your time expecting thast to change. My waw wouldnt accept any responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. She wouldn't even go to counseling, because, as my counselor put it, "she would have to realize her role in our problems" which she was not willing to do. In fact, she worked hard to villainize me even to the point of accusations of infidelity that weren't true. Now we are divorced, there is no line of men around the block waiting for her, she is not happy ( thought divorce would make her happy), spends most of her time with her parents and sister ( waw wants to be a child of her parents forever - father is 80 mother is 77) So, no longer expect her to admit her role or take responsibility. Besides, our society promotes this way of living - if you buy a hot cup of coffee from mcdonalds and spill it - they must pay you and put a warning on the cup that it is hot. If one drinks, gets drunk and wrecks, it is the server of the alcohols fault not the drinker. If one murders or abuses, it is because they were abused as children. If we went back to a way of life where we had to take responisbility for ourselves and actions we would be better off. I take full responsibility for the problems in our marriage that I affected or created. It doesn't amke me less of a man, and it teaches me lessons, so I am not doomed to repeat them again. The waw will repeat them again. Also, others know - many people have come up to me after the divorce and said "congratulations" or "I hate to tell you this, but she is a spoiled brat" etc. I never bad mouth her, but people know. I also don't expect her to admit mistakes. She isn't grown up enough to do so. We really ought to feel sorry for our spouses, or ex spouses - if they can't take responsibility, they cannot reall yheal and move on. What do you think about all this? Agree or disagree?
When it involves pain, people usually do what they have to do and no more. For those of us who were unexpectedly dumped, I suspect there was greater pain, thus greater potential for learning..........
Sue,you are thinking to much.Look how short your post is. Yes many of us have faced our fears,of being alone,not good enough ec ec.What role we played.
The world is always changing.Everything,our bodies,diseaeses,tec.people dont always like change,yet we cant stop it. In the case of a broken relationship.When we look back we can see signs of what went wrong.If we had gotten in tune more,we could have adjusted to the change. I agree,it's hard to walk away.Look at your self.You went through alot,and still are.I'm not sure I could have put up with all the BS you did. As far as people blaming others.It's always easier to blame,then to accept yourself as part of the problem.You see, I'm perfect.I have always been perfect. (Pink floyed"I'm mad,I have always been mad') It must be her.
Think good thoughts Hug your kids peace
Thrive/dont just survive
Think good thoughts
Hug your kids
peace
Mafpolo - scary how your story mirrors mine so closely and so many others here. I couldn't believe it was happening to me much less other people because it simply wasn't logical to me.
You are right to focus on you and ignore that which you can't control. Yes we need to accept our roles in the marriage and forgive our spouses and accept things the way they are. It is the only way for you to be really happy again. Not easy though.
Sue - I hope you finished your paper. I sure don't know the answers.
wow! I didnt even think about how system actually rewards not taking responsibility... ie hot coffee, driving drunk etc.
well I interpreted the you are not prepared to live until you are prepared to die writing assignment as to mean you cannot live in fear. If you are afraid to die then you will be afraid to take chances. Taking chances is part of living. Living each day in fear is not really living, its a living death. Yes, I very much agree with that statement. My explanation in my paper I used an experience from my past. in a nutshell ... the robbery when I was a teenager. how it affected me. going from the happy go lucky invincible teen to fearing to leave my home and after a while straight fearing to live, for a couple years. I then realized I wasnt living, I was existing a living death. I missed living. Finally, I felt afraid to live. It was just too scary to be alive. If I was dead no one could hurt me. I would have nothing left to fear. I started planning how I could end my suffering. I could drive off a cliff! But what if I didn't die? I could end up a vegetable. Boy, then I would really be vulnerable. My gosh, I was only 16, the beginning of my life, I had a whole lot of years left to fear what could happen. I had wasted two years of my life fearing things that never came to be. welcomed death... then realized once I was prepared to accept death I was ready to go back to living. "Some of your hurts you have cured, and the sharpest you've even survived, but what torments of grief you've endured, from evils which never arrived." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) Some people spend a lifetime learning that lesson. It took me only two years. My gosh, I was only 18, the beginning of my life, I had a whole lot of years left to look forward to what could happen next.
which then got me thinking about how when you try to work things out with a spouse who has betrayed your trust, cheated on you, and/or abused you. Every day you can go crazy worrying... are they cheating, are they going to cheat, is the temper going to return, will he/she abuse again, have they really changed? you can spin yourself right into the ground should you not make the choice not to. a relationship dosnt stand a chance with the suspicion and one dosnt stand a chance if they cripple themself in fear. they have to make that concious choice to trust and take that risk. what happens happens and you will deal with it when or if it comes to be.
which got me thinking about people who dont accept responsibility for their actions, just blame others. they will repeat the same mistakes until they do. since these darn thoughts wouldnt leave me alone I couldnt stay foccussed on my assignment at hand. so I posted these thoughts/questions so I could get them off my mind and focus on my assignment. which I think turned out great. I didnt go to sleep last night LOL but my assignments done and now I possibly have a new subject for my next writing assignment.
Yes Lucky, I do think too much. sometimes my brain just wont shut up so I can focus. I spent over 12 hours yesterday on physiology. so I decided to work on my writing assignment as a way to 1 get my work done and 2 get my mind off the brain cramping physiology
any how, it was really hard for me to see how I contributed to the destruction of this marriage that some how was resusitated after being embalmed. I kept trying and trying until I was just exhausted. but I didnt have the right tools. I was like Ron trying to help his LF. I just knew it was all my H's fault. heck he was the alcoholic and abusive. I was such a good little martyr. Isnt it ironic that because of my H's problems I ended up in family week and then counseling, getting the help I never knew I needed. had he not hit bottom, I could very well have found myself back at square one, with a new package same prize inside. all around us there is lessons to be learned in the most profound unexpected situations.
ok back to brain drain physiology. its hard balancing 4 classes and 4 kids! any one shocked For the record, I now believe physiology sets the bar on what a hard class is. anatomy now seems easy
Now that's the Sue we all know and love.
What part of the anatomy are we talking about?
I'm glad you were able to finish your paper.
How are you going to get all your housework done,without any sleep?
Think good thoughts
Hug your kids
peace
Thrive/dont just survive
Think good thoughts
Hug your kids
peace
Sue: Glad to see the writers-block broke. Like Lucky I look forward to the l-o-n-g Sue posts. But it sounds like another "A" paper.
Enjoy the Labor Day BBQ. Looks like indoor activities for us out here.
Luckily I didn't have to take any of those physical science classes. My cousin says genetics isn't a picnic either. Got by with pyschology, sociology and geography as electives. Geography was fun. Got to color in maps with pencils. A chance for the beancounter to be creative.
thats a funny one. while everyone was asleep I was rushing doing housework. whats kind of funny about that is... I have this other paper to write on how I want to be remembered after I die. first thought -- my hot bod, because that would me at some point before I die I would have achieved that ok so any how I had this great list. but then couldnt come up with suporting examples for my points. well I could, just everything was too personal to share in a college paper. so I was stuck. decided to conecentrate on how I am a good mother. I was suffering mental consitpation. I started looking around at my messy house. thinking jeez, I remember when I used to keep an immaculate house. nothing out of place, everything organized. I cleaned the floors after every meal. of course I worked on my house from 5am to 10pm non stop. when my H came home from work with whatever was on his mind, I listend, then gave him the solution. man I was good, now look at me. I felt terrible. no wonder I couldnt think up examples of suport because I have become a lousy mother and wife. I thought some more... I remember when my house was so spotless, how I would be cleaning and my girls would want me to come watch barney with them... not right now honey I am busy I have so much to do. a little later mommy come do this or that with me. not right now I am cleaning I have so much to do. I remember thinking, why do I not just go back to work and pay someone to do this? I am staying home to be with my kids and bond with them but I dont have time! I started thinking what the heck happend to me? I read a card Munchy made me in kinder. it was an all about mommy card. listed on it under mommys favorite thing to do is ... play with me. under mommys favorite show to watch on tv... rugrats. hmmmmm The diference between when I was the good mother and wife then, to the bad mother and wife I am today? now I dont say 'not right now I am cleaning'... I say oh the dishes will be here later lets go. I do cartwheels in the yard until I am dizzy with the girls. I sit and watch rugrats, sponge bob and kim possible, with the girls. I listen to my H and be suportive offering empathy rather than solutions to his problem. sure I pull some all nighters some times to clean my house or do homework. but I dont say not right now I am busy anymore. I doubt they will remember how immaculate our house once was. once they are grown up, I have no doubt they will be able to teach their children how to do cartwheels, how to skate, how to ride a bike, and how to offer a hug, a shoulder or just an ear. so there is dishes in my sink more often then not. so I clean my floors once at the end of the day. so sometimes we are all digging for clean clothes from a basket of clean unfolded unironed laundry. so my house is no longer "perfect". So maybe, just maybe, I would like to be rememberd for my messy house
anatomy of everything our bodies got! right down to the types of cells in all the diferent types of tissues. the wierdest thing -- finding out that blood is considered connective tissue.
ok got some cleaning to do before they all wake up Sue
