Today was a horrible day for me. Last night ended on a good note despite the horror of the morning. We enjoyed dinner and a movie together here at the house.
I think I'm a little bit further along in the process than you are, but I had this kind of thing really bad about a year ago. I'd have a good day and then a horrible, super depressed day. Rollercoaster emotions. That gets better with time. I mean yeah, we're going through a lot!
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I never seem to see her depressed, she just always acts so happy and light hearted. That hurts more than anything she intentionally does to me. Every time I hear her laughing and joking and singing it just cuts my heart in half.
Well, not that my H was laughing and joking and real happy last year, but I was seriously depressed. I think looking at us one year later, that my H seems kind of depressed usually and I'm prob. the happiest I've been in a long time. I've learned to take care of myself more and not just focus on the kids, spent time with friends, GALing, and worked on some of my weaknesses. I feel so much better about myself, and I think my H is kind of looking for others (well OW) to make him feel better. Don't think that will work in the long-run though as much as learning to make yourself happy.
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Both songs are very personal to me and both really link to my sit, so hearing them really hurt.
Well, I think one thing that almost all WAS have in common is self-absorption and self-interest. They don't think about your feelings or anyone's except themselves. Have to deal with that. I tend to expect the worst from my H, no expectations, etc.
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I had to escape to the spare room 3 times today to sob. She saw I was depressed, so after putting our D to bed she sort of stormed out with her usual attitude. I told her I wasn't mad, but sad, but she just said "ok whatever, I'm leaving so you can have your space." It's as if I'm not allowed to be sad.
I think it's fine to be sad sometimes, and I certainly have had my sad days! But I do think it's better to post here and vent here rather than be depressed around your W. I would just have those days where I would feel weaker and more down and finally learned to do stuff, GALing type stuff, so I wasn't around my H when I felt low, plus doing GALing and hanging out with friends actually would cheer me up and help me feel stronger so win-win. But when you feel sad, and sometimes friends & family don't want to hear it for long, this is a great place to post. You'll always find supportive friends here.
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Maybe I should be happy like she is. Maybe I should run around singing and dancing and joking and laughing.
Maybe. When I was depressed, I kind of was acting happy sometimes and not really happy, and I would sing, dance, joke, and laugh, and before I knew it--I actually was happy. Don't know if that would work for everyone though. And believe it I had lots of moments where I wasn't singing and dancing, but well I actually threw myself into a musical where I was singing and dancing and joking around, it really helped me become a happier person, but I'm sure you have to enjoy singing and dancing for that to work.
I've had those days and usually the next day is always a lot better. And if not, you can post here and gripe and moan and we can all relate!!! Hope you feel better tomorrow! Karen
Well, not that my H was laughing and joking and real happy last year, but I was seriously depressed. I think looking at us one year later, that my H seems kind of depressed usually and I'm prob. the happiest I've been in a long time. I've learned to take care of myself more and not just focus on the kids, spent time with friends, GALing, and worked on some of my weaknesses. I feel so much better about myself, and I think my H is kind of looking for others (well OW) to make him feel better. Don't think that will work in the long-run though as much as learning to make yourself happy.
I absolutely think this is what's going to happen in my sitch, too!
Karen, You are so right. I felt much better yesterday after I journaled. I did go into an empty room to cry, but she did still no that I was bothered. I called her last night after journaling, because like I said she left angry. So when I called I told her that I wanted her to know about the things that triggered my sadness earlier in the day, that I wasn't feeling anger, but just extreme sadness. She thanked me and said she thought I just didn't want to be around her. So, I think that was good. I know that miscommunications have caused us a lot of grief in the past, so I felt it was important that she knew what I was feeling. This morning she asked me why I still love her, and after I answered she said, "but we never have a good time together anymore" to which I said " that's only because of the current situation, we always enjoyed eachother's company before all of this happened." She then said "but this is what the situation is." I said that we need to change the situation. I told her that letting go didn't mean that I was giving up on her, but that I still love her and I want her in my life, so I will not stop seeking that. She didn't respond to that, which I can interpret as good, because last week she probably would have said that I should stop because it wasn't going to happen. Anyhow, I think I finally get the point from you, the book, everyone on the forum, and even my W, that it's important to be positive and happy around them. That is probably the only thing that might bring our WAS back.
This morning she asked me why I still love her, and after I answered she said, "but we never have a good time together anymore" to which I said " that's only because of the current situation, we always enjoyed eachother's company before all of this happened." She then said "but this is what the situation is." I said that we need to change the situation. I told her that letting go didn't mean that I was giving up on her, but that I still love her and I want her in my life, so I will not stop seeking that.
Crafidi,
So long as that is conveyed along with -- either spoken or implied -- an overall attitude of "But I won't wait, either -- I am busy, have things to do, and and moving along down the path," that is fine.
"I'm not giving up on you, and I'll be right here, waiting" = BAD (pathetically waiting; needy)
"I'm not giving up on us, but I need to protect my heart, and am moving along down the path that God has chosen for me right now. Someday, I still hope and pray that you'll join me on this path, because I still love you and believe in us, but I have to start moving on with my life since you seem to have made your choice" = GOOD (confident, leading, yet still hopeful)
[quote=karen43] I absolutely think this is what's going to happen in my sitch, too!
Puppy
Absolutely it's going to happen. I think it will happen to most of us at some point. Look at Kat's H lately. They kind of try to burn bridges, and then maybe when they're gone they realize they had a better bridge than they thought? Ok, that was cheesey even for me!!! And btw, I agree with everything Puppy said!!! Karen
I definitely see the difference. BTW, I like option 3, will you sue me if I plagarize?
What I want to accomplish for myself is the ability to breathe, so to speak, without my wife in my everyday life. I want to know that I can live a complete and full life w/out her, and that I can be a wonderful father to my daughter without her. I'd prefer it if she were in my life, but for now she's chosen not to be, so I do need to focus on myself and my issues. Let's face it, our spouses chose to leave us, but this could have been different--let's imagine that they got sick and passed, we would all be faced w/very similiar circumstances (e.g. financial, housing, emotions, moving on, etc.). I know it's not quite the same, but it also isn't that different. In case I haven't said this already, you all give wonderful advice and support! Thank you as always.
Merry Christmas, crafidi! I hope that you are enjoying a glorious day, and that the mercy and love of Christ is with you and your loved ones today. May God continue to bless you and keep you for all your days.
I'm so sorry that I haven't been by to offer much support lately. I will give everything a proper read-through once the holiday cheer calms down a bit (at my parents' place today). I am so proud of that stand you are taking, and I know that you will do very well.
Thank you for all the support that you have given me. I cannot thank you enough.
God bless you and keep you, ~Nas
P.S. You asked in one of my posts if I was Middle Eastern. I'm actually half Sri Lankan and half Hungarian, but I grew up in the Middle Eastern culture as my two best friends are Lebanese and Persian (and she married a Palestinian-Jordanian). I was adopted into the culture, so I speak a little Arabic, I know all the songs and singers, I bellydance, and I pretty much can act as if (ha!) I'm Arab or Persian if the occassion calls for it.
Karen
