{{{Beth}}} My dear friend....UGH that you are having that kind of day and then a "well meaning outsider" with her 2 cents as well..just remember..people's 2 cents won't buy anything nowadays..so take what you can from it and toss the rest out..in this case..toss it all out
As far as the rings go..you know..it's funny cause really I'm of the mindset like in the movie Fireproof..the rings MEAN something to me and to my marriage (tho I really need to get my ring fixed because I lost my big stone out of it..so it looks kinda crummy..LOL..like my marriage looks right now I suppose), BUT, by the same token, what you said about NOT wanting that same marriage..and when we DO reconcile..I want different rings and a new ceremony..so..at some point do I take this off as a "symbol" of the death of the old marriage while waiting for the new one..geez..I dunno but something to think about for sure
To wrap up MY rambling LOL..I think Alex is definitely right, and I remember reading the "ring or no ring" discussion too, it is such a personal, individual decision that you'll know when to, if at all, and not by what anyone else says about it
Well I can't wait to hear on Saturday if you decide to do something different..woo hoo
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
She looked at me like I said I like to eat puppies on toast with orange marmalade.
OMG! Beth! That is one of the funniest analogies i have ever seen!
Rings are such a personal decision. I think you and I have talked about this before.
DH took his ring off back in February. When he got back to Virginia, he put it in his valet on his dresser. After he moved out, I put it in my jewelry box. I saw it one Sunday when getting ready for church and slipped it on with mine. After church that week, I took it off. That happened for a couple weeks. When my mom saw me wearing it the one Sunday, she freaked out about it. I told her that I felt like God wanted me to wear it to Church, to bring DH there with me.
One Sunday, I forgot to take it off--that was back in Sept. It has been on my finger ever since, along with my wedding set and my anniversary band. For a while, I had developed some skin issues under the rings--moisture getting under them and drying my skin, etc. At one point, I even had a small raw spot. I would take them off, put bacitracin on my finger, and put them all back on. Then, I started putting lotion on every day and my skin has healed. The ring will come off my finger when it goes back on my DH's, its that simple.
When someone makes a comment, tell them you appreciate the concern, but that you believe your marriage is a lifelong covenant that you made with your husband and God and that God has not released you from your vows, even though your H chooses not to honor his right now. Say it quietly, calmly, and matter of fact. People will stop in their tracks and rethink their perspective. Trust me on this.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
The old and new marriage debate is one that comes up alot with the rings debate. I will wear my old rings always, even after DH and I reconcile and renew our vows. While we will be building a new marriage and life together, our rings are a symbol of all that came before, as well as a reminder of how fragile things are, especially when you do not make the effort to keep things right.
SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Hope ya'll don't mind me jumping on here. I've lost my ring. After the W told me just had went to a lawyer and filed for the D I went home and lost my mind. I took my ring off and left it on the floor. While I was away my wife and daughter came by the house. My W said that my daughter was playing with it and thats the last she saw. My daughter is only 3 so getting information out of her is hard. I've search everyone for it but I can't find it anymore. Sort of like my lost marriage.
I've thought about getting a similiar replacement to wear as a symbol to myself that my heart still belongs to her. However I'm not sure of the signal that would put across.
When I ask my daughter about it she just says that she is going to buy me a new one! Aren't kids great. My daughter knows exactly what I want, a new marriage with my W, and a new ring to symbolize our love. Is that just wishful thinking?
MMe-28 W-27 together 5yrs M-4 Kids-1 D-3 Bomb 20 Oct 08 Filed for D 29 Oct 08
I feel badly that you are having such a crummy day so far. I don't really have anything too different to say than what the others have already said. I guess I'll just say, try to remember that this is YOUR life, and YOUR decision. Other people may THINK they know what is best for you, and what you need to do, but they are NOT YOU.
How dare someone look at you the way this woman did, just because they don't agree with a decision YOU are making about YOUR life! I'd like to smack that woman right now! You deserve so much better than that Beth!
Don't feel badly about crying about it, either, though. I know that sometimes when someone is able to "get to me" that way, and I respond emotionally, I feel like I have somehow failed, because I know THEY are wrong. Why did I let them do that to me? I have come to the conclusion that that's just who I am, I have strong emotions and they often overflow, but that doesn't mean that I have to wallow in it, or allow others to tell me what to DO. I can experience the emotion, but then move on.
I guess I had more to say than I thought (don't I always?)! I want to say also that what you said about letting go of the "old" marriage ("But I think it is finally sinking in that I want to let go of that marriage. That marriage fell apart and is in a really bad state. I no longer want that marriage.") really struck a chord with me.
Thinking about it that way, in such clear terms, I think is really going to help me to lovingly detach. I've struggled with how to do both things at once; detach from my H, but do it in a loving way. If I think about it in terms of "THAT" marriage, I can detach from "that" marriage, and "that" man my H was in it, and still love the real person I know my H to be. Does that make sense?
I'm still not wearing my ring. Sometimes I miss it, and sometimes I feel ashamed that it's not on my hand, like it means I'm not committed to my marriage. It seems like I SHOULD be wearing it, because I am just as committed to my marriage and my H as before. I will honor my marriage vow as long as H and I are legally married.
But I feel like I'm no longer trying to "save" my old marriage; what I desire is a "better", healthy marriage to my H. I put the ring on once, just for a minute or so, just to see how it felt, and that didn't feel right either anymore, maybe because it now represents that old R, which sucked. I'm not sure why it felt a little bit "wrong". So, it's staying off for now.
I have thought about whether or not I would want a new ring when H and I do reconcile (I had to decide whether or not to say "if" or "when", and I decided to be positive!), and what I think I would like is to take my engagement ring, which is a simple solitaire, and add something, like a wrap, to it. That way, I still honor the time we spent together in our "old" marriage (after all, it's part of our history, and it wasn't all bad), while recognizing and commiting to the "new" relationship.
All of this conversation about my rings could end up being a moot point, but it is something I have thought about a little bit. I really do love the true person that I know my H to be. I can only hope that he will resurface, choose to recommit himself to me, and that we can spend the rest of our lives together as real partners in this world. Hopefully, too, we can do that as two "complete" people ourselves.
I'm not trying to hijack your thread. The reason I went into the ring thing is to let you know that because you posted about your experience today, and shared your feelings about it, I was able to gain some perspective into my own life and sitch. So, thanks!
Take care Beth, gotta run! Sending some big, huge, virtual (((((HUGS))))) your way!
Me: 38 H: 41 M: 12 D12, S10 H began EA: 7/08 H moved out: 9/30/08 Bomb (sleeping with OW): 10/23/08
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1638048&page=2#Post1638048
I don't wear my rings. I miss them, but can't wear them right now. It's such a personal decision.
I've told my h that I could live with divorcing our old m, but don't want to divorce him... that a better relationship and m is possible for us. That was quite awhile ago and I think that "Air Supply" has been playing in his head for even longer.
Why can't they all be forced to read Scott Peck's book and be 2X4'd into accepting that love is an action, not a feeling. That romantic love doesn't last forever, and can be replaced by vintage love (check out Al Turtle's website).
Sorry to hear you were crying at Starbucks. I never seem to have the time to get to the washroom when I have one of my public meltdowns. I've never cried so much in my life. I think that people generally understand.
A few challenging bits of business today - huge snow dump and public transit strike made traffic terrible this morning. I had to shovel the car out because the snow removal service hadn't arrived yet (I'm not supposed to shovel this year because I had emergency surgery 6 weeks ago; however, additional pain killers are now justified!). Oh, and there's been no heat in the house since yesterday (very, very cold here right now) because the furnace broke. It should be fixed by tonight but man, thank goodness the sun is shining on the fresh snow! Ain't life grand (not)!
AN, AlexEN, Tawnya,SMW, JWM, BBBrown, LHS and WIT,
Wow! Thank you all so much for the kinds words and the support. You have all given me much helpful information to consider and you have made me feel cared for on a really crappy day.
WIT - your weather may make your day even crappier. I do not miss Chicago winters. Not sure where you are located but you made me remember digging my car out and people having fist fights over shoveled out parking spots on public streets. Ack.
SMW, I am glad you liked my puppies on toast comment. I try to be colorful where I can.
Again, thank you all for taking the time to read my posts and to try to help me.
LOL 