I've been avoiding work since this whole thing began. I seriously haven't done anything more than an email or two since 11/14. Of course, before then I was working at least 100 hours a week, so everyone at work can just kiss it.
For now.
Ehem.
It's so hard to tell what is having a positive response. I could say that being friends has been positive, but then again it's so hard to tell. Alright, I'm going to try and think logically here:
Emailing/ texting anoything about the R or me feelings: No response.
Emailing/texting things a friend would send: Warm response.
Not emailing/texting except in response to what he sends: He bumps up contact.
Dressing a little less like a business woman and a little more like a "girl": Working for sure. It annoys the hell out of me because I don't like frilly stuff, but oh well.....
Trying to show my "domestic" side: Not sure. I don't really think it's making a difference, but who knows.
Other men's interest in me: Upsets him. He obviously is thinking about it.
My religious change: I think it shocks him. He says little abotu it but has asked a few questions.
Shaking his hand instead of hugging him: He wasn't a fan.
Ok, so based on all of that I guess that I need to back off. Friendly. Not friends. No physical contact. Be feminine. Be strong. Be the new me. Let him know there are other men.
*sigh*
Thanks for all of your kind words and advice. I know I can't think of my time with him as wasted in any way. This situation brought me to God, so I cannot resent any of it. Detachment is gonna be tough, but I'm plugging away.
I suppose I need to detach no matter what the truth about the A and his feelings and motives is. My friend thinks the A is about cutting ties with me. I see the logic there, and my friend is a guy and knows my H well.
On the other hand, I see everyone else's point that it's all about the A. People that know my husband don't think so, but then again maybe none of us know him.
Yadda yadda. I will probably never know one way or the other. And it doesn't matter. I need to regain my sense of faith. Gonna pray and make myself turn the focus away from things I cannot know and focus on what I can do.
Nas Thanks for stopping by post. I am glad you are doing pretty good. Like you said, trust the BIG MAN guidance completely and you will be just fine. Just keep focus on yourself like you are doing now, you will be alright.
Keep up the PMA....spread them like wildfire.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
I wouldn't let him know about any other men; that's not a point to get across. What you do need to do is be a little mysterious about what you do when you're not together. In fact my advice is to not look for another man; you're trying to save your M. But it is good for him to wonder. It's a fine line I know. Trust me, I KNOW. I have some issues with that as well; but then my W is telling everyone including family that I already have a GF and she has named her, my Guard friend. All she's trying to do is steel her family against me and try to bring me down to her level. That is not what you want to happen. So do things to make him wonder; but don't give him any specific ammunition to feel like what he is doing is the right thing.
I think that your outline of what you've been doing was great. You are really determined, much more than I was at the outset of my sitch.
I just got these two emails from my H. I am crushed. I am absolutely devasted.
I'm going to pray to God now. I don't know what to think or feel.
"Hey ___ [my pet name],
Just wanted to write and let you know that I went ahead and got that place. I'll need to turn the power on some time this week. I'll go to the power company and ask them what we need to do about switching the power and putting it in your name at the house. I just want to make sure that you are covered and not getting screwed. I'll find out and will let you know. I'll start packing this weekend. I'll also give you the house key back this weekend. Okay Andi, I'll keep you informed.
H"
"___ [my pet name],
I also just wanted to write to see if your okay and if things were still scary across the street. Even though we are separated I still care for you and hope everything is safe.
H"
Guys, i don't know what to do. it hurts, and I am scared.
Well, after the I received the emails below, I went over to a friend's house and had a great evening. I was angry and anxious and frightened for awhile, but now I feel nothing but peace and happiness. I prayed with my friends, and in praying felt such peace and lightness that the present situation honestly doesn't concern me.
God is glorious, and He is true happiness. Nothing else matters.
I'm going to fast tomorrow along with several of my friends from church. I think it will be about six of us fasting. When my friend and I prayed, I had the sensation of being outside of myself, and she was struck by the desire to fast at the same time I was. So tomorrow we will have nothing but water. No food, no drinks, no cigarettes (this is huge for me as I'm a chain smoker). Every time we feel hunger or the craving for a cigarette, we will pray for my H.
In other news, my H agreed to meet with my friend's husband (mutual friends) for drinks on Friday. He's still avoiding the topic of us like the plague, but he did text my friend's husband that he would always care for me.
Later this evening, he called and left me a voicemail asking if I'd gotten his emails. He apologized for calling and said that he's sure I'll get to them when I have a chance.
So yeah, I think it's safe to say that being unavailable is working.
I'll reply to him tomorrow. When I get around to it.
There was a really gorgeous sunset tonight. Nothing flashy - no fiery sky or flaming clouds - just a peaceful, perfect shade of aqua as twilight descended. I swear it was the most beautiful color I've ever seen: liquid green and blue that was so stunningI felt I could swallow it, could taste its cool calmness.
Nas I know it hurts and it will hurt more before it gets better. Don't be scared. You are a strong woman and you know it. Honestly, you can't stop him. He has already made up his mind to move out. It is just a matter of time. The more you push, the more he will pull. I think you need to start detaching more quickly. Let him go, give him the space and time that he needs. Let him miss you and see what a great gal that he is leaving. Time is on your side, but you have to be patient. When he comes and pack his stuff, act you are OK. Fake it if you need to. You have to show him you will be fine with or without him. No R talk at all.....
I know you can do this.
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Thanks so much for the great advice. You're so right in saying that I don't need to brig up other men. The truth is, there really aren't other men. I could care less.
Not that he needs to know either way....
After I typed the stuff about other men, I started thinking, and the truth is that inspiring a negative emotion like jealousy is going to do nothing but breed negativity. I will let him wonder. I will go on with my days, praising God and concentrating on doing things for myself. I have a full week so far - tons of work to catch up on, activities every night and all weekend (big work holiday party). I'm just going to focus on those things as well as continue to work on chipping away at my goals: sleep, exercise, writing, praying, caring for my dog.
Thanks again for the vote of confidence. I tend to be pretty determined once I set my mind on something.
Take care of yourself and God bless. Your support is a extremely uplifting.
Hi Nasmat, I have been thinking about this all day. Something from your first post keeps comming into my mind.
Quote:
He comes from a family...filled with Marines, law enforcement officers and federal employees....he is conservative... he came from a Catholic family and believed in being a good Catholic
This QLC (if that is what it is), may have as much to do with him as it does with anything that you may have done.
This is what I mean. He grew up a good Catholic boy, lots of rules and order (Marines, police). Honor and respect and following expectations of others. Very conservative values ..presumably shared by many of those around him. He worked hard to uphold rules, expectations, and be the way he was "supposed" to be. That means many things were off limits.
Now his world is in a transition. He is searching. Unfortunately, in the wrong places, but in those off limits places where he never allowed himself.
All the while rejecting his very base. As you and I know, there is only one place he will find fulfillment and peace. That just isn't where he is looking right now. Hopefully he will find his way.
Thank you so much for your support. It really, really does help.
I feel much better now. I was frightened and anxious for a little bit, but I didn't cry and ended up having a lovely evening. I'm not giving up hope or faith, but I am coming to accept that this is not going to happen in my time. I have to be patient, and I know that these painful developements are tests of my resolve.
His moving out seems so final, but it is part of God's plan. I cannot question it or let something that I knew was inevitable bog me down. Dealing with my family is gonna suck because they are going to believe everything is completely final now, but such is life. They'll just have to deal with it.
I am strong, and the life he is trying to establish for himself can never compare to the life he is turning away from.
It just sucks because it does make things feel more final. Now there's a major financial roadblock. It's another brick in his wall. There's a lease, and he'll have to buy furniture. It'll be just one more hurdle to overcome. Now it's not only his pride and the OW int he way, it's all that other rot.
Good news is, I didn't respond to him yet. I'm going to sleep on it and let it wait until my head and heart are clear.
I'll be friendly but detached. He's amping up his running and his attempts to contact me, so I think it's safe to assume that I'm doing the right thing.
You're totally correct about the detaching, NW626. Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to really fake it because I'm not there yet. I'm working to get there, but you know how that goes. I'm having trouble figuring out how to do that without losing hope for the R. I feel like I'm supposed to keep my faith in regards to the R, so there's a balance there that will be interesting. I'm just going to wait it out and see what answer comes to me.
Him coming to pack is really going to suck. I'm having my pastor and prayer group come through and annoint the house beforehand. I'm going to pray for strength to bear it all. I'm not sure yet that I'll even be here for it. Some part of me says I should be here, but another part says I should go out and let him be here alone. I've got a huge party for work that evening, so I could go and get my nails done and get ready at a friend's house. I'm staying at a hotel that night, so I could just leave early and not come back until Sunday.
Not sure if being being absent I'm making things easier for him or harder for him. Will have to think on that.
On the flipside, I know if I'm here he's gonna want to talk about the R. Not about the feelings part, but about the finance and planning part. And I really don't want to go there right now.
Thanks again, NW626. Your vote of confidence really helps.
Nas, if he tries to start R talks about finance and planning; just tell him that you need time to process what's going on. You'll get back to him in due time.
I'm happy that you were able to seek out support. I read the post about his emails right after you posted them; but was unavailable to respond. I had my own sitch going on at the same time. But you did good. God is wonderful and he's helping many of us right now.
