I have read quite a bit in the forums here and I am determined to get the DR book when I get home today. I am looking for advice and maybe just some people who listen to me. Here is my story:
My W and I have been married for 17 years. We are both German citizens, but we immigrated to the US before our S8 and D5 were born, so both are US citizens. In fact, the decision to move to this country occurred after our first crisis 11 years ago. I worked abroad for 5 weeks at a time then, and she used the time to have a PA with an OM. Somehow I got her to stay by promising her I would change and probably some of the techniques described here, even though I did not really know about them. When the opportunity came to move to the US, we completely reconciled and decided to move. Now 11 years later, we end up in a very similar situation. I typically work away from home 4 days a week (Mon thru Thu). We both agreed that I would take this job about 18 months ago. Unfortunately, I also spend some time on my hobbies, and this is where I screwed up badly. She kept complaining about me not spending enough time with the kids, complaining that my family was not a priority for me. I never heard what she was saying. I do run for an hour or more every morning, but I get up so early that I am sometimes back before she even gets up and the kids go to school or wake - or it does not matter, because I am on the road anyway. In addition, I usually spend an hour on another hobby Thursday (after I get home) or Friday night (if I get home too late), take 1 hour off of work on Friday (as I am working from home and the kids are at school), and another hour one morning (Sat or Sun), but involving the kids. The rest of my 3-day weekend I spend with her and the kids, unless there is a lot of work I still need to do on Friday.
We have had lots of arguments over the last months, but also before, and they always led to the same outcome. If I fought back or I told her that it was not true, it turned into a real fight. She does take care of the household and kids in school, as she is a SAHM, while I occasionally help in the house and take care of all the kids' needs on the weekends. But of course in her mind, I am not doing enough to support her. Over the last few months, she discovered that our S8 has some problems in school, particularly with reading. She thinks it is a learning disability, while I tried to work on it with my S8. We have had so many arguments about the kids, and she keeps undermining my attempts to discipline them. I kind of gave up, and the result is that kids watch TV all day (when I am not there), my S8 does not do his homework and they do not clean up after themselves. All over the house, there are toys and even trash that she never makes them put or throw away. She has fought with the school to get an psycho-analytical evaluation, which the school finally agreed to do. We have been discussing this topic for several months every time I call her from the road, and it is the first and almost the only thing we talk about when I get home. She spends hours and hours searching the internet and at the same time, she constantly plays solitaire almost like an addict. It was driving me nuts. When I told her that I needed a break, she repeated again the kids were not my priority. So I chose to avoid her one Thursday night after getting home. I went about my hobby and watched TV, probably one of my worst mistakes. She has been attacking me ever since that I let her down in this whole mess with the school. A few weeks ago, I made another fatal mistake. At the end of an argument, she said that either I go to MC with her, or she wants a D. I probably was just surprised by this and walked away without really responding. Now she demands a divorce. However, I may have a little bit of time, even though there are also a few things that make the whole story more complicated.
Two months ago, she had gone to a 25-year high school reunion in Germany, where she apparently met an OM. She does not know yet that I know. I do not believe it became physical in the short period of time (just an extended weekend), but there is for sure an EA. I found e-mails and there are phone calls to a number I do not recognize. Now she revealed that she wants to move back to Germany with the kids next summer. I was devastated after she told me that. I do not want to lose her, but for sure I do not want to lose my kids. Through my company's EAP, I was able to talk to a L and got some good news. My D5 does not have a valid passport. To renew it, she will need me to show up at the passport office. So she cannot leave abroad with the kids. He also recommended to secure my S8's passport. In addition, my boss, who is also a good friend, is working on transferring me to a position where I can work from home. I may have to take a pay cut, but that is the least of my worries. I guess I just want to be prepared.
Nevertheless, it is extremely hard to get through the day. I have to function at work, and when I finally get back to my hotel room, I am ready to cry. I keep wondering why every disagreement turned into an argument. When we reconciled 11 years ago, I gave her a bunch of coupons. She would only have to show them to me, and I promised her to listen, to spend time with her, to join her in whatever she wanted to do. She never used them once. Now that I think about it, she never told me how she felt when we had these arguments, it was only you do this and you don’t do that and she recently told me that she expected me to know how she felt. But all I saw was an angry woman who never seemed to be satisfied. She made me angry, too, and so I said a lot of things I should not have said. Now I understand though that if I want her back I need to stop blaming her (even if she is the one to blame) and that I need to start focusing on myself and my behavior. I did not write all this to blame her, but to express how I felt about what was going on. I probably need to start acting as if I am ready to take the blame (I actually did start that by giving her a letter with all my wrongdoings and apologizing for them - it felt like validating what she had been saying over last couple of weeks, months, maybe years). So as far as saving my marriage, I am going to marriage counseling next Monday, but I am afraid that it will not really help, as long as she does not come with me. I hope to get some emotional relief, but to make a true attempt at saving it, I think I want to try DB. And this is where I will need some feedback.
I am planning to tell her about marriage counseling and to let her know that she can come with me, but that she needs to want it, so it is her decision. I will also let her know that I will be there if she wants to talk, but I will not bother her with how I am dealing with this emotionally. I will be a good father to the kids and a good friend to her. But I would like your advice on what to do about the EA. I was thinking about telling her that I have a strong suspicion that somebody is waiting for her in Germany, just because I know her (I do not want to tell her that I "investigated" this). She told me that she does understand that it always takes a sledgehammer hitting me before I wake up. I am truly disappointed that she only confronts me and threatens with divorce when there is a safety net for her. Will this alienate her or does this send a message that I am about to GAL?
Looking for help and advice. And thank you for listening!
Just make it a mission in life that you'll always be with your kids. I don't care about your jobs, etc. etc, always go where they go. If she goes to Germany, you go to Germany. I know you want to save your marriage, but if you make that decision today to always go where they go, a peace will come across you. Trust me, that is what I did.
Thank you for your feedback! You can trust me, it is my mission to stay with them. If W decides to go back next summer, I will probably be able to prevent her from taking the kids. But that is not what I want to focus on right now. Right now, I would like to save my marriage. That is why I bought the DR on my way home and will start reading it tonight.
I am still undecided whether I should confront her about the EA tonight or not.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I would read the book before deciding whether to confront your W. I think you should maximize the amount of tools you can have to save your R before making any decisions or taking an action such as confronting her.
One of the first pieces of advice in the book is to stop have talks about your relationship and confronting your wife about an OM will likely lead to a relationship talk.
The book will give you a lot of ideas and techniques and the people here will help a lot, too.
Thank you for your input! I followed your advice, and I think she feels uncomfortable (I mean that in a positive way) with the way I played it tonight. All I mentioned to her was the MC appointment next Monday. I told her that I assumed I would go alone. However, if she wanted to go with me, she would have to let me know, because we would have to make arrangements for our D5 getting to kindergarten. Well, she is coming with me, even though she asked the question what I was expecting out of it? I told her that I was expecting to learn something about me. Maybe there would be something in it for her as well.
In addition, I found out that she sent a quick e-mail to the OM almost complaining that I did not want to talk. For the first time in several weeks, she actually started the conversation tonight. I do not want to get too hopeful, but maybe DB is already at work.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I know it is a roller coaster ride, it has been already. Sometimes I have the feeling she might give in, this morning OTH she repeatedly said it is over. Because she complained to the OM that I was cold last night, I apologized this morning that I was in a bad mood last night. As the conversation went on and she repeated a lot of things and I just acknowledged with "I am sorry you feel that way", I tried to conclude it with "So you are saying we are back where we were 11 years ago.". She all of sudden said "No, not quite. I am not going to have an affair so you can make me feel guilty again. It is just an e-mail friendship." Now I feel down again, because it is out there now, but I am not sure I wanted it out there.
I wish somebody could tell how long this is going to go, but I know it is impossible to predict. I know it might never get better, but I also know I must try to save my marriage for myself and my kids.
To answer your question, I am from Germany.
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
Thank you for your encouragement and comments so far! I have been reading DR in every free minute and I have come to the point of setting my goals. I would love to hear some feedback from the more experieced LBS:
1. She will stop talking about ending the marriage. 2. We will start doing things as a family again. 3. We will stop fighting about little things. 4. She will involve me in things she is planning with and for the kids. 5. She will smile again when I am present. 6. She will stop the contact with OM.
I feel they are very ambitious and almost impossible to achieve, especially the last one, if I think about the state of her mind, but I am determined to give it a shot.
Anyway, I may also have accomplished my first 180 today. She hates going downtown because of traffic, parking etc and she was hoping to carpool to take the kids to watch a hockey game downtown. Now the other family told her it will not work. Even though I told her before that I had no interest in this game, I offered her to take the kids. I think I saw just a little bit of surprise in her face, but she accepted.
AN
M43 W45, M17 S9 D6 Bomb: 11/11/08 EA: 10/26-12/31/08 ? Retrouvaille: 2/13-2/15/09 Healed, but still heading for D My situation
I noticed that on your list - 4 of your 6 goals started with the word "she". You can only control yourself and how you relate to her. If you can stop reacting to her, that's a good start. You need to remain calm and cool. You're giving away too much power to her if you react to her.
How about making another list w/goals for YOU. Things you'd like to happen in your life, and your life w/your children. You can't control what she says or does - only how you handle it. It seems like so far, how you're handling it isn't getting you the results you want. Have you considered some 180's?
