So to recap, I have just sent my h an email saying that I know he is not living alone in his new flat and have yet to hear back from him.
It is a rollercoaster isn't it? I feel I have been pretty stable in my emotions of late but I have sort of crashed today. I am so tired of it. I don't know why I have any expectations of a response really; it would be a first if I get one. I have had nothing all year really. I know I have to give it time but in a way I am dreading that email popping into my inbox. I just don't want it anymore.
I am feeling sort of empty today and quite down in general. I am sick of this really and not at all sure I love him anymore. I want to start my new life now and get on with things as it is pretty clear that he isn't coming back. The decision to move in with this ow wasn't taken quickly; the relationship has had a chance to develop. I thought I was doing a good job in backing off and giving him space but it has just given him space to develop another relationship, although I don't see what else I could have done.
Ok, I know there is so much assuming in there. It is so annoying that I have to continue to wait for him, wait for his response etc. I think this may be my last thread in Separated. I think after this I may move to surviving. I'm 27, I want to live my life now and stop hanging around in this horrible limbo.
This is horrible and painful and I hate that I have a failed marriage behind me and that the man I married and trusted chose to follow this path.
Ok, I've crashed today haven't? Picking myself up by my bootstraps. I have knitting tonight so maybe that will help!
Why do you feel the nsed to "pick myeslf up by my bootstraps" ? Its ok to be down, to be sad, to mourn the loss of your M, if you are now accepting/realising that it is over. Its a hard journey losing the man you love and even more so, I am sure, if you M him and have those memories too. You wouldnt have gone into the M expecting to D, neverlone soon, so I dont blame you for feeling a bit low. Dont be hard on yourself!?
I agree, there is nothing more you could have done, you behaved well, were loving and patient. But, one thing that strikes me, I am not so sure that you backed off and gave him space, he left you and took that space for himself, so you are not responsible and therefore, no, YOU didnt give him space to start a new R, he decided to start a new R. You are not to blame, it was not your doing and you couldnt have stopped him.
Thinking of you, I am sure you will hear from him soon, he must've been shocked! Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I completely agree with Ali that he backed off from you. If by backing off you mean that you didn't pursue him constantly, ask for another chance etc., you know that wouldn't have worked with him. It didn't initially work with him and would have only made him even more afraid.
I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this and I'm not going to harp on about the positives in your life as maybe you need time to grieve. You have behaved with such dignity and this certainly has made you strong. I think men are going to be lining up at your door-when you're ready for them.
I hope you enjoy your knitting class...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hi Julia, Take the time you need to feel the loss.
(Your Quote)This is horrible and painful and I hate that I have a failed marriage behind me and that the man I married and trusted chose to follow this path.
I feel the same way and feel your pain.
Always there are 2 paths and 2 types of people. You can either blame yourself & kick yourself down forever with guilt & saddness (that would be my H's path) or kick yourslef for a bit, only a bit, mind you and then understand & learn from your mistakes. And gain the knowledge not to make those same mistakes again.
Strange, but I have twisted this past year for the most part not into a negative, but into a positive of how much I have learned, changed and grown. Keep your chin up!!
Me39, XH45 Kids 3 dogs, 2 cats Divorced 6/4/09 Tricky thing is not how you live, but how you live with yourself. (POTC)
Hi Julia- just popping in- i agree...down days are just as good for us as up days. I dont think we can have one without the other...it teaches you something- and please be nice to yourself. YOu have worked so hard and been so loving and patient with your H. YOU are the one who will benefit most from this experience no matter what! im happy you have knitting- that sounds like a great way to be with people and stay focused....
it is never easy- so this path you are on is your life and i am very proud of you ....
xo P
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Ali and ITH, thank you for picking me up on that. You are right; he was the one that backed off from me. I lost sight of that and I was using it as an excuse to go down cheeseless tunnels with blaming myself, that stopped me moving forward for so long so thank you. Also, I never give myself permission to feel rubbish so thank you also for doing that, I do need to let myself grieve, I'm not super-human, and this hurts!
Ms M, your words always help me so much. You know, I am kind of turning it into a positive somehow too. Whilst obviously I did not want my marriage to end I can see that I wouldn't have grown so much without it happening. I love the changes and knowledge I have gained this year, I feel I have grown so much. It is also weird because although it was strange finding out my friend was pregnant but it also made me glad that I am not in that position yet. I am excited about what the next few years will hold and about exploring and finding out about me more. I know I will learn from this, I feel he may go on repeating the same mistakes.
Pisces, great to see you! I hadn't thought about it that way, that the down days make you appreciate the up days. That is such a great way of viewing things.
Dan, thank you.
(((guys))) your encouragement means so much. Knitting went well yesterday, it was a great tonic! I also told my sister the news and tears just welled up in her eyes for me. I was so touched that she felt so much for me to react like that. We just cried and hugged in the street - the first time I had properly cried over it.
Today I had to go to a funeral for my uncle (I didn't really know him so it wasn't that sad) but funerals are never nice. I did get to spend some quality time with my brother and Mum and Dad and my brother is always so funny that he is a good distraction.
I am feeling more positive today. My parents still have my wedding photos up, and I looked at them for the first time and felt different. I KNOW my h loved me very much, the pride shows all over his face. I will just try and remember that person. Weirdly, it was a bit like looking at two different people.
Sorry for the long rambling post! I'm being a bit introspective
Hope you're having a nice evening. I'm glad the funeral wasn't too bad, and that you're feelin more positive. Reading the first part of your post it sounds as though you're moving towards a position of moving on. That's great news.
Hey Julia, I'm sorry your H didnt reply all week, I didnt think he would initially, but I thought he might have before the weekend! Its disappointing, but you seem to be holding yourself together well. I'm jealous you can knit, I wish I could ! (I have tried a few times, I jsut seem hopeless at it!)
Wow, so do you really feel different!? How do yuo do that, please fill me in as I am still stuck loving/missing him (its not as accute, but I havent yet had that lightbulb moment). Was it just a natural progression, you woke up and had a different perspective?
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
