Ok not an easy question to answer and I have just asked H for his! He says that there is usually something life changing that makes you realise that you are not thinking things through in the right manner. H was involved in a major incident in Afhanistan and all of a sudden it hit him that he didn't want to die - having put himself in "the line of fire" on many occasions. I would say that it was then a gentle dripfeed of things and he did see a psychiatrist as part of his medical retirement requirements. So I am afraid there is no quick fix answer I can give you but he just has to work through things and really needs some professional help.
That is what I figured. I know this is not a quick fix. I guess I can only be patient, and pray A LOT! It is hard because I feel like I should be doing more, but I also know there isn't much I can do. Except be there.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I saw H last night and gave him his birthday card. He really liked it! I debated whether I would send it or give it to him, and decided to give it to him because he is so busy at work that he doesn't check the mail. But really, the reason was because I wanted to see how he reacted. He laughed at the card, and said thank you a few times. It was a great interaction.
But, as a friend pointed out, we always interact well, for the most part. I think this confuses me, because other than the times he brings up D, we always talk well. So I have just decided that I am going to be very patient, and basically just take what he says with a grain of salt. H brought up separating out the cell bills again, and I just said okay, but there is still no action on that. I find it a little amusing that he wanted to do it so quickly, and here it is almost two months later, and it still is not done. I suspect that we will do it, but the length of time he is taking to actually get this done is definitely interesting.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Good to hear your interaction went well last night.
He is a strange one isn't he? He doesn't want to be M'd but he doesn't take any measures to detach completely either. Avoidance? Conflicted emotion? Both IMO.
Hold on to your hope and stand with as much patience as you can muster.
((((((Lola))))))))))
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It is so much like looking in the mirror of the past when I read your posts. H and I spent a lot of time together and were most of the time in constant contact. You are doing brilliantly just being there for him. This is a long road but keep looking for the positives when you can and ignore the nasty bits when they come up. Allowing him the space to work through his problems is the best thing you can do for him. Does your H shy away from physical contact with you?
Not really. He did in the beginning, but now will reciprocate a hug, and even initiate it. One time a few months ago, I was in my car in the parking lot at my office, and he was going to pick something up. His arms were out to hug me even before I got out of the car! I talked to him again tonight, and it was a really good conversation. He is going to go for his citizenship (he is from Germany) and wanted to know if I knew of a paralegal who could look over his submission paperwork. I told him I was sure I could find someone, and I do know a few who specialize in immigration. We laughed and joked a little, and it makes me wonder what the heck he is thinking when we have this great interaction. All I know is it makes me feel good when he and I talk and have great conversations. We are both still willing to share what is going on in our lives, and that gives me hope.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Was your husband GSG9? I asked H how he felt and he said "scared". Scared of commitment, feelings etc He says that although outwardly he would look happy inside he wanted to pull away. However, it was these interactions that actually do sink in and when they start to "come up for air" they remember them. You are doing so well and I am really proud of you and how you are coping. Must be very hard for your daughter too - please send her a very big hug from her adopted auntie in the UK!
Hey Ellie: I am not sure what GSG9 is...H has told me that he is scared that things will be different for a few months, and then they will go back to the same way. I am beginning to think that he uses the separation of the cell bill and the D talk to see what my reaction is going to be. H has not brought up D for a while, but he does bring up the cell bill, and I just say okay no problem, just let me know when you want to go. And then inevitable he changes the subject, and forgets about it.
I think just talking to you about this and knowing I am not crazy have made a world of difference. The other thing is that I have discovered I am no longer ashamed or fearful of my feelings for my H. I love him. Period. Even with all the craziness, I still love him, and will until God takes me from this earth.
My D12 actually does well, but she misses him. I did not realize that until I saw the mass amounts of pictures of him she has collected (part of me wants to tell him that, but it would make him feel bad, and I don't want that either). She has a Christmas fair at school this week, and has decided she is buying gifts for Mom, Dad, D23, D22, and H (who is her SF). Here is where my next question comes in. Since it is her gift to him, should I let her contact him, or should I do it? I don't want him to feel manipulated in any way, and I know that he will come and get the gift. But I am not sure that if because the gift is from her, she should invite him?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I would certainly let her do the contacting - children are incredibly honest about their feelings and I think that really helps with PTSD.
I am so glad that I am helping and like you I decided that I loved my H and I wanted to stay for the long haul. I just knew that he wasn't in the right mind and that it wasn't just MLC. He would hug me but I don't think I existed as a "woman" to him at all.
