"Hey K - this is w. I didn't know if you maybe would want, if you wanted to go out tonight for MNF, or whatever you want, you know I could keep the kids till you get home. Umm so, I know you haven't gotten much to do much on your own. So anyways, just give me a call back - umm, we're still at the house for a little bit and we're going to go to my GM but so call her or my cell phone. Thanks, bye."
W voice was haggard - soft & low, couple dramatic pauses. Why is she offering to do something for me? Get on my good side. Why? Figure she is going to ask me for money - have to be nice before she does.
I called a couple buddies to see if they wanted to meet up - heard back from both - going to go out. Ironically I was going to call w to ask if she would watch kids so I could go out tonight but didn't bother to ask this AM - didn't want to overload her with requests to watch kids. Eating lunch late & get a call from w. I answer this one.
Hello. Hi.
What, you don't want to return my calls now? I inform w that I was in a 2 hr meeting & just sat down to eat lunch.
Well I didn't call back & she was waiting around house for my call. [w has a damn cell phone] I say I was going to call you back once I was done eating. Ok.
So did you hear my offer? Yes, I would appreciate it if you would watch the kids tonight so I can go out to watch the game.
Ok, well I will have the kids in bed before you get home & just wait here for you. Ok.
Well, we are going to head out to do our own thing first, not just sit around the house. Head out & get some stuff done - go to bank. Ok.
Should be home by 8 or so. Sounds great - if you need to get a hold of me just call my cell and thanks again. Bye.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Met up with my old roommate who has known me + w since the beginning. Watched game & talked about sitch. Good to get positive reinforcement about my outlook on life, m, kids, etc. Had a great time out.
Get home, open door, & don't know what happened to my PMA. It just went away I guess. Was chewing a candy, said hi to w & her cell jingles that she just received a txt msg. I just shrugged it off & put my shoes away in my room. Come back out to kitchen, S4 is hiding from me in ottoman. W says for S4 to show me his haircut - w buzzed him. W asks me if everything is ok - I say yes, why? W says I have the look on my face - one where something is bothering me. I stop, take a breath & just smile at her & say I am fine, just eating a candy. S4 asks if he can go with w to sleep. I say sure, put his shoes on & kiss him bye. Say bye to w & thanks again for watching kids. I realize that I didn't really make much eye contact with her.
W calls 20 mins later - is everything ok? I chuckle & say yes, I am fine. W says I just wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to make you mad. I say that I just walked in the door so you had no time to do anything to have made me mad. I am just tired & I guess it shows. Ok. Chat about S4 not being tired, sleeping in Dora sleeping bag. W asks if I can bring D2 over in AM. Say sure I can drop her off when I bring D9 to school. Just call me @ 7 to be sure that is what you still want. Ok. Nite.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
W calls 20 mins later - is everything ok? I chuckle & say yes, I am fine. W says I just wanted to make sure I didn't do anything to make you mad. I say that I just walked in the door so you had no time to do anything to have made me mad. I am just tired & I guess it shows. Ok. Chat about S4 not being tired, sleeping in Dora sleeping bag. W asks if I can bring D2 over in AM. Say sure I can drop her off when I bring D9 to school. Just call me @ 7 to be sure that is what you still want. Ok. Nite.
Why does she care??? This is what confuses me about WAW and my W did it also. If they have no feelings for you and they are half way out the door why do they care if they make you mad? Why do they care about your feelings at all? She does not live with you so if your in a bad mood all she has to do is leave and forget about it.
The only thing I have come up with is that she still does have some sort of feelings/ connection with you. What they are and how deep they run is a good question but at the moment not important. You need to get that PMA going at all times and don't let her see you in a bad mood. She obviously scensed something from you that made her think you were mad.
I know when my W thinks that about me she goes right into defense mode and that is not a good thing for your sitch right now. You need to be upbeat and friendly all the time. Its the best you can do. Also stop worrying about her motives for doing stuff, it really is unimportant. Take it at face value. Her wanting to spend time with the kids and you go out and enjoy yourself.
Your doing well. Keep it friendly and light and stay away from any touchy subjects.
The main reason I am handling things the way I am is not to fix my m, it is to preserve the above agreement with regards to my kids & their future. My w is not someone I really want to be with right now - she has MAJOR psychological issues that she needs to deal with. I won't want her back unless she changes - I welcome the D since I will be free of her.
Does this mean you do not want her back? Or are you saying that you do not want her back unless she changes and what about her do you want to change?
There is a differnce here. The first one means you are done and nothing will stop the D. The second is I am moving on with my life, learning how to make myself happy but if she comes to you tomorrow and says she is sorry, the OM is gone, I want to recommit to the M/R then you are open to this possibility.
Also as you know the D will not free you from her,...ever. You will still have the choice of either being friendly with her and co-parenting or being miserable to each other for the next twenty years and wasting alot of energy on nothing either of you can change. JMHO so take it for what ist worth.
The main reason I am handling things the way I am is not to fix my m, it is to preserve the above agreement with regards to my kids & their future. My w is not someone I really want to be with right now - she has MAJOR psychological issues that she needs to deal with. I won't want her back unless she changes - I welcome the D since I will be free of her.
Does this mean you do not want her back? Or are you saying that you do not want her back unless she changes and what about her do you want to change?
There is a difference here. The first one means you are done and nothing will stop the D. The second is I am moving on with my life, learning how to make myself happy but if she comes to you tomorrow and says she is sorry, the OM is gone, I want to recommit to the M/R then you are open to this possibility.
Also as you know the D will not free you from her,...ever. You will still have the choice of either being friendly with her and co-parenting or being miserable to each other for the next twenty years and wasting a lot of energy on nothing either of you can change. JMHO so take it for what it's worth.
#2. Point I was trying to make is w is a wreck right now. I do not want to be married to someone who isn't willing to fix their own issues because I deserve better. Because we have kids we will always be a part of each other's life - no getting around that. But if she figures out what she really wants out of life & the result of that is our M then of course that is what I want as well.
I value your opinion - worth more than $.02 to me
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Drop D2 off at w this morning. Ask w if she would like to have a family dinner Wed night. Sure, she will call me later to discuss. (My thinking was since we won't be together for Turkey day & I am headed to Vegas this is closest we can come to spending holiday together as a family for kids)
Go to D9 student of month award - she received it for Citizenship 4th grade class. Her mom was there also. Never attended these in past but will never miss one again! Took few pics of D, mom & all 3 of us.
W never calls me at work. Come home, stop to get mail & do my 5 min break to unwind. Go in house, D2 all excited to see me. Chat with w about what food to buy. W leaves for night.
Decide to print pics so D9 mom can have 1 of two of them. Issue printing so I view my printers - fix issue. Notice 1 old printer is offline & has 1 job in it. Open printer to delete job & it is from wife, sent yesterday, 7 pages from a website dedicated to large breasted women. Felt urge to call w but learned my lesson last time. Just going to dwell on it for 24hrs & probably will not even bother bringing it up.
Her breasts are a source of insecurity for her - has breast ptosis i.e. droopy breasts - nipples hang 4 inches lower than they should & she lost a cup size due to nursing D2 - C to a B. She had discussed this at our lunch couple weeks back. OM had offered to fix this problem for her. Apparently this issue is still very much in forefront of w mind, one connection she has to OM. Another example of how my w is not thinking clearly.
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
Kakatal, I know what you mean about not wanting your spouse back if she is not willing to face her own issues. My H is the same way, very much in his own world. Can't see beyond his own needs and I wouldn't want him back the way he is now anyway.
Everyone says there's no guarantee that they will 'snap out of it' but we can only hope, right? I would like to ask what you are doing to move on emotionally from her and detach. I need some advice that way and you seem to be doing so well.
My thread is in Infidelity - PM thread #2 if you want to visit. Any/all advice is hugely appreciated :-)
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
