My definition came from doing web research. I guess I've placed my situation into the Bridge catagory because my W is driving the D so hard. I'll try to stop looking at negative things.
I pray every day that she'll reconsidor. I constantly try new things. I sometimes think I see results and then findout we're still moving full spead ahead. She has stopped staying late at work but I fear it's just a custody play.
Tuff stuff this DBing. Even tuffer when att have been called to task.
Something happened 2 days ago that was totally unexpected. My SIL (H's sister) called me to say their stepmother is in hospital. This is stepmother my H is currently living with. SIL was looking for my H, and I helped her with that. Then I drove, with some trepitude, to the hospital to see her. I was uncertain about this because H has made met think his family all is totally supportive of him and thinks I am all wrong.
Boy, that was incorrect! H lied to me again. I was accepted by SIL, his stepmother, and assorted other family members with open arms. I found out they are all disgusted with H for his actions,his moving in on stepmother when she was ill (H never noticed she was ill), his taking advatage of her hospitality by leaving her house every morning before the crack of dawn and not returning until at least 9 PM every night.
I told H's stepmother very little, but did have a heart-to-heard talk with SIL about situation. She said they all know H has changed completely and is no longer the person he once way.
I'm treading lightly because, bottom line, this is H's family, not mine, and I know blood is thicker than water. However, right now they want to communicate with me and I want to do the same with them.
I don't want to do anything to make H angry, however, and to alienate him any more than he already is.
Hi Michelle, My H and I have been separated since mid-May and I am currently six months pregnant. After talks about divorce (serious talks) I started the LRT. Well, he started calling more and initiating activities together (ballgame, lunch dates, going to church together) Needless to say, I was/am very excited about this turn of events. When H left, he started doing things totally out of character for him (drinking, experimenting with pills) and seemed to be in a mid-life crisis state. There have been some women since he left as well (and one right before he left-no "relationships" just one-night stands or flings) Anyways, he has recently been talking about getting his life straightened out. He has been going to church, bought a new bible, started listening to Christian music again, and began hinting about coming home. Well, he tells me last night that he wants to come home this weekend and I told him that I do want him home but we have much to talk about. (This is the second time we have been separated) When we talked tonight I told him that I want him home but I cannot go through this all again. I want him to come home for ME and not because of the baby, our son, or because he thinks it is what God would want. (when he left he said the classic: "I love you but I'm not in love with you") Things got very wierd at that moment and he basically said I was right and maybe we need to take things slower so he can think about things more and be "sure". Did I screw up?!! I totally freaked him out and he basically bolted out of here. We are going to see eachother tomorrow and he says we will just take it slow for now but he is definitely weirded out. Whenever we have done stuff lately it has just been friendly, no kisses and hugs are rare so I am confused on how to act. I do not want to scare him off any worse than I might have done already!! Should I go dark and let him figure out his feelings? Should I let him come home for a trial basis? (don't know if I could handle that if he decided to leave again) I just want him to be 100% committed to making us work, then I feel like we would have a chance! Any suggestions? Sorry so long. LC
First, I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my post; for this messageboard and for your books. (My counselor, by the way, has DB and is getting more of your books on my recommendation.)
My counselor told me this week that she feels H is the kind of guy who is mentally and emotionally present with his body. (Sounds kind of strange, but I understand what she meant and don't want to get into a long explanation of that.) So just the fact that he wants to be with me tells me that he wants to be with me. I also know that his precarious job situation, our up-in-the-air housing arrangement, and my upcoming job decision has him very concerned about finances and, therefore, pregnancy.
I think his fear of pregnancy has been the overwhelming factor here. Have I talked to him? Yes. He just likes it and has been worried about pregnancy. My concern was just whether or not he would still feel emotionally connected to me through oral sex. But things are getting back to normal, and I'm not as concerned about it.
Again, thank you for taking the time to read and respond and for all you do for people.
Thanks Michele.<P>Cooling off is what I'm doing along with going out with friends and just trying to be happy.
<P>I'm glad I can come here and share with you and others. This is an amazing place. Thanks.
Hi Michele,<P>I've just returned from my therapy sesson. We<BR>will meet again on Monday afternoon. Reasons will be clear in a minute. <P>It's evident that from October 2000 to August of this year W has been saying one thing and her actions have been very different. All of which has been confusing<BR>for me. But, as of August the sex stopped. She moved downstairs. And her most recent action, a separation proposal is consistent with what she has been saying for the last year. Finally some consistency. But, it also signals the possible end of our marriage. <P>With regards to the police and 911 I need to exercise extreme caution when I'm around W. The worst case scenario is that she calls the police again and files criminal action. That would mean a restraining order and getting booted out of our house. Not to mention a criminal record. So I need to work out a controlled separation (CS) agreement<BR>with wife that fits our economic situation, which is not the best. BW, there was no physical or verbal abuse that caused her to call police. She merely needed an incident.<P>My therapist, acting both as lawyer and therapist, recommends that I write a counter proposal for a CS of 12 months. Mediation, which the W proposed, is a non-starter. In fact the mediators that W recommended both work for her lawyer. Moving out by December 1st of this year (her proposal) is also a non-starter unless W's prepared to keep me off Social Assistance. Not likely to happen. My therapist and I will meet<BR>on Monday to review the counter proposal I'm going to write this weekend..<P>Twelve months means that at the end of that time frame W can immediately obtain a divorce. It will also give me sufficient time to organize my affairs as well as find a full-time job.<P>The CS shall propose two separate living arrangements under one roof. We'll have to negotiate the logistics of who can be where/when in the house. It'll also mean<BR>I will have to bite the bullet if she wants to have OM join her in her space. Obviously, hot and heavy sex with other people isn't in the cards for either of us.
We'll propose separate phone lines, that sort of thing. Basically, it'll be two strangers<BR>living under the same roof. <P>Having this written agreement should protect me in the future event that she calls 911. If I should move her garbage can back to her side of the house and she gets pissy, calls the cops I should be OK. My therapist tells me the police are used to that sort of behavior. Needless to say I'll have to watch my P's and Q's.<P>To ensure that the next 12 months are not pure hell for either of us, we'll propose some joint communications couselling. Hopefully we can find someone who is pro-marriage and SBT trained.<P>Now before you all get weepy-eyed on me... I'm OK with this. Naturally I still would like nothing better than to spend my life with W but since that's not what she wants I need to move on. It'll just take a bit of<BR>time for me to find full-time work. <P>Most importantly I value the friendships that I've made here. I intend to stay a part of your lives for as long as you'll let me. You will always be a part of mine. <P>Michele, if you have any additional help with this CS proposal I need to write, or if you disagree with the strategy, I'd love to hear from you. Thanks.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/1512:48 PM. Reason: 2 posts combined
Well, I've been backing off for at least a week, and I DO notice a difference in my H's attitude. He is calling me more and seems more comfortable around me. It's not fixing my M, but it is definitely making things less reactive. I suppose after 1 1/2 years of separation, I can't expect much more than that. For now, and for the first time, I am considering the R as over. Maybe this will take the pressure off and we'll connect again...maybe it won't, but at least I'll be well on my way to happiness in my 'new' life!
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Michele:<BR><STRONG>Golden,<BR>I know you say you've read my books and done other things to help your situation, but in your post, you write mostly about your h's state of mind and how you feel about it. What have you tried so far with what results? That's what being solution-oriented is all about.<BR>Michele</STRONG><HR></BLOCKQUOTE>
Michele, I was really disappointed by your reply to my post. I have spent lots of time explaining my situation and responses to it in detail to the phone counselors and others. I was just expressing frustration that NOTHING seems to work in the LONG RUN. It is very hard to feel that you've made little progress in a difficult situation. Maybe you've never been through this yourself and therefore can't understand this type of pain. I hope for your sake that you never do experience it.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/09/1512:51 PM. Reason: 2 posts combined
****************************************** I have spent lots of time explaining my situation and responses to it in detail to the phone counselors and others *****************************************
Perhaps you have. However, You have explained nothing here that I can find. Consider starting a thread in Newcomers.
DB and DR are about seeking solutions to the problems that push spouses away from each other. It's hard to help point out possible solutions if you don't tell your story.
KentS, I do believe you don't understand why I posted my first message. It was not to explain my whole life story, but to sympathize with LAN and to ask how anyone else deals with the frustration of a long, drawn-out search for a solution. I don't expect anyone else to solve my problems for me. Thanks anyway for being interested.
Golden, ************************************** I am really at an impasse and wondering how folks like "Lonely" and others like me can take any comfort in the long run. Please help, anybody? Thanks. ****************************************
I have been following LAN as I came about the same time (or so it seems). I also sympathize with his situation. However, I view it a bit different from afar. I don't make a habit of posting people anymore if I don't think I have anything to suggest.
My R is in the rebuilding phase. Or is it? From what I have heard from some, it is all a matter of perspective. My W is working hard on her sense of self. Her crisis tossed me into my own. Perhaps she was just the first to crack. Perhaps it was me. It all depends on who's story you listen to.
When I thought my relationship was finished, it was. When I read DB and decided to think otherwise, things began to change. I was lucky in that my W accepted the changes as genuine and also chose to try.
I needed help identifying my contributions to our failing R. I also appreciated the help finding solutions to my torment and my torment of W. The BB and several associates helped me with that.
I have seen progress in LAN's R. His W is now asking for him to help her heal. Yes, it is long time comin. I applaude LAN for his ability to hang in there. Not many have managed as much. I offer him support whenever I can and I pray he can hang in there cus I ultimately see him receiving reward for the sacrifice.
He uses the BB for support and as a sounding board. I understand if your desire for privacy stops you from doing the same. But I think the answer for some, comes from the BB. At least part of it . I think this place brings some comfort during their struggle.
