Help! Have an urgent question!

[tpaschal]

Hello, all. It's been a while since I've posted. Hope that some of you who've followed my sitch will see this.

H is still pushing D. Mediation was supposed to be Aug. 27 with a Sept. 4th trial date, but got rescheduled. Now trial date is Nov. 3, with mediation set for this Wednesday, Oct. 22.

H and I sat down together on Aug. 21 to try to work out some issues before going to mediation. We talked and negotiated for 3 hours. I got a little emotional a couple of times, and we did argue a little, but overall I thought it went well. Agreed on some things, compromised on some things, agreed to discuss some things further. Then at the end said he needed to "sleep on it" and "crunch the numbers." Of course, I knew that meant "get permission from the bimbo."

When he emailed me the next day, his offer was very different from what he and I had talked about. I never responded to his email because it was ridiculous. H found out later that afternoon that the mediation and trial had been postponed, he blew up, and I didn't talk to him for a couple of weeks. When he asked a few weeks later why I never responded to his offer, I told him I didn't see the point because it was nothing like what we had talked about, and those negotiations had just been a big waste of my time.

It wasn't like what we came up with at the end of 3 hours was my opening offer. What I had agreed to at the end of those 3 hours was the result of 3 hours worth of negotiations!!!

Now that mediation has been rescheduled, he's all of a sudden panting to sit down and talk to me first. He sent me an email last Friday (the 10th). In it he was trying to get out of going to mediation at all, saying he didn't have the money to pay for it right now, and he and I should sit down together to figure things out because he didn't see his financial situation improving anytime soon.

I actually didn't see that email for a couple of days and never responded to it. I've seen him a couple of times since then and he never mentioned it. My FIL thinks that H or the bimbo are worried that I'll get a better deal out of mediation and that's why he's trying to avoid it.

I don't think I will get a a better deal out of mediation than I could guilt out of H, but the problem is that H will agree to things and then back off as soon as bimbo hears about it, so what's the point? It seems like a waste of my time.

Just now he sent me a text message saying, "Are we going to talk before Mediation?"

My MIL thinks I should, just to see what he says. My FIL thinks I shouldn't. I'm not sure. One problem is that I truly don't have any free time this evening or tomorrow evening, so H would have to take off some time tomorrow or Wednesday morning, and I seriously doubt he would do that.

What do you guys think? How should I respond? Any suggestions?

[forward]

I'm sorry you are so close to the end here--that must be very stressful.

Can't hurt to talk, really. But if he wants to talk so badly, he needs to make the time to do it. Have him do it on your terms.

I think I would straight up say that you feel like it is a waste of time if he's just going to change things again.

Also, if you don't like the way it's going, stop negotiating.

[Kelly23]

The nice me would tell him that you spent three hours previously, nothing was accomplished, you are busy but if he wants to take off work, you would be glad to meet him. That puts the ball in his court. If he does not want to take off work, you will not have to worry about meeting.

The mean me would say, "If you do not have the money for mediation, you sure cannot afford to divorce me."

[peacetoday]

T
I dont know either
What do you want,, What would work best for you?
Will negotiating again help your situation?
You know what you want and you have negotiated already, so maybe you can have all the recent agreements on hand
If H wants to talk you into accepting less, then it will be a waste of time
I think go with your gut feeling
If your H really wants to negotiate, He can set aside a suitiable time for you
I think our H gets very scared at pay up time
Mine filed and stalled b/c he doesnt want to deal with the mess of it all and see all his loses
At this point, I decided to call the L to proceed
I am not very concerned about how much H loses
that is his choice..maybe they need to sweat a littleand
see all the damage that was created by their choices and if they feel it anywhere the pain and loss maybe it is here in their wallet
just my thoughts
you take a little quiet time to decide what you need to do
peace

[tpaschal]

Thanks to Breton39, Kelly23, and peacetoday for your answers to my urgent question last week.

When H came to pick up the two younger kids to drive them to school Tues. morning (H drives them a 3 minute drive 3 days a week, I think to be able to tell himself that he sees his kids "all the time!"), he kind of indignantly said, "So, I guess we're not going to talk?"

I told him I hadn't seen his text message in time Monday evening to be able to do anything about it, that Tuesday evening I was very busy with the kids, but if he wanted to take some time off Wed. morning or meet for lunch Wed. before going to mediation, that was fine. He got all snarky that he didn't have time to take off work because he couldn't afford it, and it was just FINE with him if I didn't want to talk.

When he was getting all snarky, I calmly said that I wasn't sure why he was so upset, since the last time we talked it seemed to be a waste of time since nothing got accomplished. He responded with another snarky comment. I said, "If you want to talk, that's fine, but not if we're going to sit and negotiate for three hours, then you go home and disregard everything we talked about. Also, it needs to be a TWO party negotiation, not a THREE party negotiation. It seems like that's where we got help up last time."

He drove off in a huff. I spoke to my L, and he encouraged me to try to sit down with H before mediation. I sent H an email saying we had never really decided whether or not to meet, and told him I was happy to talk to him if he had some free time.

I guess at that point OW had gotten wind of the morning's convo, because his reply was nasty and snarly, and he refused to meet with me.

Maybe I should have handled it better, but what I said was the truth, and I think it really would have been a waste of time. As the mediator said later, "Wow. It's so strange to see this in a grown man. Your H really is a puppet on a string." (For the bimbo.)

[tpaschal]

So we went to mediation on Wednesday afternoon, and basically, I got screwed. Oh, not as bad as some people I know, but bad enough.

I mean, the L and the mediator kept telling me it was a better deal than what I would get from a judge, and I'm thinking......Really? Then why the h*ll did I spend so much time the past year, especially the past several months, gathering info. for the L, going over all H's bills and credit card statements with a fine tooth comb, gathering evidence about how much debt he's gotten into and how much money he's wasted, etc., etc. Why did I bother to work out a financial statement for myself and the kids showing what our projected expenses are and will be in the future? Why did I bother to come up with a proposed division of debts and assets?

The whole divorce/legal system sucks. Big time.

How is it possible in this day and age that the laws are still skewed so badly in favor of the man? Or at least toward the party that has the most money? Shouldn't it be skewed in favor of the children? Why is it that they (men OR women) get to create these wonderful children, then go off and seemingly forget they exist?

How is it possible that Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness take precedence over taking care of your children? What about the kids' right to Life and the Pursuit of Happiness? (We'll talk about Liberty when they're 18!! lol.)

How is it right that he has 6 times the earning ability that I do, based on our respective college/med. school degrees, that he was married to me for 19 years and we have three children together, that he spent all that we had saved on a 20 yr. old wh*re and on his own selfish wants, and yet now they won't make him pay even 10% of his yearly income to his kids? We're four people, 3 if you only count the kids, and he's just 1 person. He's not remarried yet (obviously), he has no other children, so how the hell can the courts say they can't force him to pay any more than that because he has a right to make a living?

EXCUSE ME??? I'm so disgusted. And I'm even more disgusted at his woman lawyer who was a party to all of this, and the woman judge who everyone said would have given me a worse deal than the crap one I got from H.

[tpaschal]

Sorry for all the bitter spew earlier. The pain is just still so immediate, knowing that the divorce will be final in 2 weeks. And stbxH really is a puppet on a string for the OW. It's so sad.

The kids are very upset. S9 says he doesn't really want to go to Daddy's anymore. This past weekend D14 made some kind of snarky comment about the OW, which earned them all a big lecture about not talking bad about her, and needing to be respectful to her (they haven't even officially met her yet). D14 (in a typically bratty hormonal teenage girl way) muttered, "yeah, well I hope she dies."

Not a kind or charitable Christian thought, to be sure, but somewhat understandable given her age, her anger, her stress level, and the recent level of conflict between her and her father.

What is absolutely NOT understandable was my stbxH's response, which was, "Yeah, well, I hope YOU die."

Lovely, yes?

What has become of my once loving, responsible, caring, committed, generous H? He is gone. Dear Lord, please help me be strong for my kids.

[fisherman]

WOW!!

That is a perfect example of mlc at it's worst. It sounded like something two teenagers would say to each other. I feel terrible for your D. I'm so sorry she had to hear that. While you know after being on the board here, why he could possible say something like this, she, on the other hand does not. mlc or not that's just wrong. I will be praying for your family. Focus on yourself and children as much as possible. Hopefully reality will finally come knocking at his door soon.

After a comment like that I wouldn't even look at him, much less speak to him. Only when it was absolutely necessary.

Trust me. I've seen it first had with my w. God has his ways of working and your stbx will reap what he has sown.