I haven't been here in a while but when I do I check to see how you are doing. You helped me through my hard times in the past.
I know where you are and feel your afraid to take the step. That he is there right now and just maybe something might change for the better.
It seems so clear to me what he is doing because I lived it the same way. The last time mine left he thought for sure I would "rescue" him and bring him home just to do the same old things over and over again. No change, no work on their part, but always wanting someone else to take care of them.
Mine went through duis, and I helped him get on his feet, get his license, another job if he lost it. But then that was all forgotten and he acted as if I didn't do it for him at all. His words were what have you done for me? He said he took care of me the whole time and I did nothing.
After the 2nd or was it the 3rd time of helping him, I felt used. When he left, yes I was hurt but I had that bigger feeling of being used. It still makes me feel inadequate to trust anyone else for fear they don't mean what they say but are saying it to get what they want.
Sue, I feel for you, that it could happen to you. Even if you were to set him off on his way, if he was in dire straights, you would feel "pity" on him and take him back in. Not necessarily cause you want him but feel bad for him. That is because your a nice and caring person and he feeds off of your true and geniune feelings and uses you because of it.
I wish you the best in no matter what you decide to do. But just be aware of a alcoholics mind and what they do. Take care of Sue and your d first. I feel so much better now that I am apart and see from a different perspective what mine was about cause I am not living with him day in and day out. I have a life of peace and knowing what I want. Yes its hard to do by myself but it was truly harder to do with another one that needed more attention and time then my own child. I do want a partner in life, not another child to take care of. Remember when you were a teenager and went out and your parents had a time limit or curfew? I don't want my partner to be that teenager. As a parent, my time for a teenager would be limited to my child not my partner. Believe me, the influences they have on your child might not be what you agree to as they grow older.
Sue, have you ever been to an Alanon meeting? If not, I encourage you to do so. You will get great support but also hear some similar things from various people. Alcoholics are great liars and manipulators. My exMIL, after 20 years in Alanon, said that anything that comes from an alcoholics mouth is probably a lie or a tool. They do what they need to do and say what they need to say.
I am so sorry. I feel your pain.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Well, here we are in 2009! Happy New Year everyone!
Not a very eventful new year's eve. D4 and I had a great "stay at home day" (that's what she calls a day off) on New Years Eve. H called from work and talked to us a couple of times. He went out for a few hours with co-workers (that's what he said anyway). He was home by 9:00. He'd obviously had a few drinks. Wasn't really drunk, but it didn't take more than a few beers at home to put him out for the night. That was my clue that he had actually been out for beers.
I want to say thank you to everyone for all the support.
Joyful....HI!! Thanks for coming back to lend me your thoughts. I'm glad I was able to help in the past. And I'm glad you're hear helping me. I hate to say it, but you're right. I would let him back in. I guess I need to head back to my counselor and talk to her about me. Not me and H, but me. It's only been in the past year that I've realized that so much of being the child of an alcoholic truly has affected the way I am today. I don't want to use it as an excuse. I talked to my mom about it a few months back. My grandfather was also an alcoholic. He was abusive, as where my dad was just a sloppy drunk. Never abused us or my mom. I asked my mom a lot of questions. It was amazing how alike we are. My mom is a very, very giving person. She is the first to step up and help someone. I've always seen my mom as someone who isn't really afraid to step up. She admitted to me that it takes everything she has to do that. Everything she has to put herself out there, to be the center of attention in anything. I told her that it's almost painful for me to be that person too. How it's so incredibly uncomfortable to be the fun, joking person until I really get to know you. I've so often been told by my friends that I'm a completely different person once they get to know me.
starting.....I have gone to an Alanon meeting. It's been a very long time now, but I did go. It's hard to get your H to understand why you'd want to attend an Alanon meeting when they don't think that there's an alcoholic in the family. I think that deep down my H does know that he has a problem.....it's just not cool to admit it. I also think that the main reason that he keeps putting off his court date isn't because of this or that coming up.....it's because he knows that the judge will make him abide by the Substance Abuse Counselor's suggestion of him abstaining from alcohol for 6 months. It also makes me wonder if that's part of his cooling off with me. Obviously not the major part, but a part of it. I spoke very honestly with the counselor about his problem and how it has affected us. She did note that in the paperwork sent to the courts.....and a copy to H.
I don't know where my heart or my mind is right now. They're both all over the place. I'm trying to find something to concentrate on and even that is hard. It was very comforting yesterday to sit my D4 and read books, work on puzzles and see her happy face.
Have a good Friday!
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
starting.....I have gone to an Alanon meeting. It's been a very long time now, but I did go. It's hard to get your H to understand why you'd want to attend an Alanon meeting when they don't think that there's an alcoholic in the family. I think that deep down my H does know that he has a problem.....it's just not cool to admit it. I also think that the main reason that he keeps putting off his court date isn't because of this or that coming up.....it's because he knows that the judge will make him abide by the Substance Abuse Counselor's suggestion of him abstaining from alcohol for 6 months. It also makes me wonder if that's part of his cooling off with me. Obviously not the major part, but a part of it. I spoke very honestly with the counselor about his problem and how it has affected us. She did note that in the paperwork sent to the courts.....and a copy to H.
Your H doesn't need to understand why you would go to an Alanon meeting. Its not for him, its for YOU! Believe me, I resisted for a long time and was in denial too. Your H is an alcoholic and alcoholics are weak people in character. He also doesn't want to quit drinking. That is obvious. If he has his DUI pending and is still going out for drinks and drinking at home, he has not hit bottom. Mine hasn't either from what I can tell. He is walking for the next year. No license! But I do believe he is still drinking at home.
A question for you..are you worried about sharing custody of D4 with your H if you split? I only ask because that is/was a big motivator for me and why I put up with the crap for so long. I don't think your H is a healthy nor safe person for your D4 to be around much unsupervised with his drinking and more than likely he will drink when he has her. You have alot of ammunition in your court right now with the dui. Use it soon. Legal matters like that go a long way in court. He has a problem and whether he faces it or not you must for your D4.
Infidelity is hard enough to take without throwing an addiction in the midst. I struggle every single day, but I do have a peaceful home away from the manipulation, chaos and unhealthy lifestyles. Once you do make the move and get away from it, you will see it as well.
Forgive me for being harsh. I don't mean to be, I just know what you are feeling. You want to believe he can change...maybe he can but right now he is sucking the life out of you.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Okay, so I no longer have an excuse of why I can't attend an Alanon meeting. I got on the website today and located one just down the street.......that meets on Wed. at 11:30 am. Perfect for me. I can take an early lunch and won't have to worry about D4.
My sights are set on next Wednesday's meeting.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
YEAH! I am smiling. Trust me, I know what you are thinking. Give the meetings some time and listen to the others. You will hear similarities in everyone's stories. Also, research about infidelity and alcholism. They sort of go hand in hand in a way.
I am happy you are trying a meeting. It will give you some control of your own life. Also, go read my sich. There are some similarities to yours as well....DUI, OW, not letting go, hiding and secrets.
Have a great weekend.!
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
It's Wednesday and I'm ready to call it a week!! Having 2 days off each of the previous 2 weeks was nice. Now back to full weeks.
Feeling really low today. Nothing has happened around home. I know what should be done, but can't get myself to do it. I want my family and I'm crushed that it's not working. I don't get it. On Sunday D4 and I got up for church. It was very cold out. H went out and warmed up my vehicle and scraped all the windows. Yet yesterday he snapped at me about getting it fixed, as if he didn't want to help me with anything.
I'm having problems with my vehicle so I can't go to the Al-Anon meeting today. Thankfully I work for a rental car company and our vehicle repair manager is helping me take it over to a trustworthy person to have it looked at.
Work has been busy, so that's kept my mind busy. I'm going out with a friend on Friday for dinner so that will help too.
Have a good day everyone.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Good to hear from you. I check in daily to see if you posted.
How is your H behaving? I know that making that final decision to make a move is tough. I remember how strong you were back in the summer. You were ready to do it on your own. You can do it again.
Like my situation your H has done this twice now. Unlikely without some serious soul searching and help and of course the 'want' to change he won't change. He will do this as long as he is allowed.
I hope that you are making some plans to move on with your own life apart from him.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
