Mixed Signals or Just My Imagination ?

[native]

I think she's beginning to show signs of softening.

I'm afraid that I can't make her happy though.

I can't take her anger and unhappiness. I would almost rather remain alone and think that I'm ok, or could be loved rather than have her come back and be full of accusation, anger and general unhappiness.

I told the guy who works with me yesterday that before the bomb, I had come to the conclusion that perhaps if my life had any meaning to it, it was to be the best husband and father I could be. That was my saving grace.....now I can only try to be the best father for d.

[native]

W appears to be more approachable. She invited me to go to SIL's on Sat. w/ D to see the new twins ( she had 2 boys).

W had a few gripes, but once those were out of the way, she began to be more civil, and then explained she was trying to be nice for our D's sake.

Something about that struck me oddly. It occured to me that she was not saying everything, but that there were other feelings she had not spoken. It was just a hunch.

On the way back I put my hand on her leg a few times. She did not seem to mind.

Next day, I brought her the leaf blower as she requested but found her on the couch with a migrane. Normally I would have dropped everything to try and make her comfortable. She has said that she would rather have me around when she was sick moreso than anyone else.

I hesitated, then told her that if there was anything I could do she could call.

Later, after dark, I felt she might be lonely and on a hunch gave her a call.

I had been watching a movie with D, Enchanted, and told her it made me think about her. Specifically that I had not been able to show her how much I cared in ways she could acknowledge it.

She thanked me and sounded very fragile.

Our next few phone encounters gave me the sense that she wanted more, but I kept them short, not having anything specific to say, and not sure if it was the right time to have the heart to heart we really need.

Just playing it by ear....

[native]

Sometimes I get weary of waiting, wondering if she will ever turn the corner and deal with all of this.

In retrospect, it seems she gave very little in the R and expected too much.

I definitely want more than she gave....more affection, more admiration, more respect.

And I gave a lot to her... but her lack of reciprocity really dampened my motivation.

Sometimes I really think that it makes no sense expecting her to become what she has never (at least since we were dating) really shown herself capable of, that is, an affectionate and loving person.

[wren1700]

By contrast, her F would come and tickle her out of her bad mood and eventually get her to talk.

this is a very insightful revelation you came to...you should also apply it to your wife as well as your daughter. not that you should tickle her, but when she does get angry, you need to keep it lighthearted, joke with her, and pull her out of the funk that way she can release. although reading through this thread, i do see that physical touch is very important to your wife, at this point, she may get defensive if you tried anything like that. however, do not clam up, do not try and remain calm, but immediately smile and try some baby talk...just my opinion...grain of salt and all that...

there is a whole industry that believes that we try to recreate our home in our adult relationships, desperately searching for those moments that have molded our core values and beliefs. how we were responded to as children, be it benign or bad, influences how we respond to situations in our adult relationships. if it was good, we search to recreate that experience. if it was bad, a healthy person would try to seek the opposite, but an unhealthy person would still search for the abuse. personally, i think you have hit on something that warrants further introspection...

[native]

you should also apply it to your wife as well as your daughter. not that you should tickle her, but when she does get angry, you need to keep it lighthearted, joke with her, and pull her out of the funk

I think that would have worked much better if she still considered herself in a relationship with me. I wish I had done it more. Sometimes I just did not have the patience for her pouting.

Re: physical touch, yes, it is one of her love languages, as well as gifts. I have to be really careful right now. Sometimes (like on Halloween) she clearly wants an affectionate hug. At others, she will hug me, but it is as if she is hugging a street person who might not be sanitary.

...if it was bad, a healthy person would try to seek the opposite, but an unhealthy person would still search for the abuse.

I don't think she is happy with abuse, but she doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship, or what one needs to do to maintain a healthy relationship. I do think she has serious self-esteem issues and has a very inadequate relational skill set.

I really do think she can't do her part in a R, and she was lucky with me in that I did not cheat on her or treat her abusivly. I believe she won't be as lucky the next time around.

Thanks for posting your thoughts.

[native]

The more my W is unresponsive, does not seek closeness or runs from me, the less I really want to put up with it. I am fantasizing about a woman who is affectionate and faithful, full of faith and willing to give herself 100 % +, like I did in this relationship.

I just can't see my W ever becoming a truly passionate person, given that I haven't seen that side of her in years now.

What should I do ?

Should I date other women ? Would making her jealous rekindle her interest in me ?

I don't want to toy around with some woman's affections to use her as a way of getting back to my w.

And, I am afraid that if I do start seeing someone else I could easily fall if there is good response.

I'm so sick of waiting, hoping, waiting........for sleeping beauty to wake up....

I guess I am willing to give her the 1 year period of seperation to come around. But I am really beginning to feel it is just a waste of time. I don't know if the woman I loved is even still in there.....

[native]

We went Christmas shopping with her cousin. W inadertantly called me honey, didn't take it back.

This is strange bc when I called her honey about a month ago, (during her angry 'I don't have any $$$' stage) she told me absolutely ' I am NOT your honey !!!'

She also told me about the evening she spend with her married longtime friend and how she (my W) drank way too much. Friend told her she would not stop when she (her friend) tried to tell her she was having too much.

I was rather tight-lipped about this b/c this seems to be a pattern for her. When she drinks, which is infrequent, she ends up drinking way too much. Probobly happens only once a year, but it is messy. This year it has happened at least twice.

She later called me and wondered if she should have told me about it. I guess she was afraid I might use it against her to get custody if it came down to it.

I just told her I was concerned and we talked about possible reasons she might feel the need to keep drinking.

I talked about how she continually carried stress and tension and that without a regular, healthy release of this stress it could easily lead to going too far. Suggested we make arrangements for her to get back to her water aerobics, which she had apparantly given up b/c of our childcare arrangement, unbeknowenst to me.

Of course, this is another example of how she allows herself to feel passivly controlled when all she had to do was to speak up and propose a different schedule. In fact, she herself came up with this schedule, but it almost is as if she blames it for the fact she can't do water aerobics now. And her mom spent over $500 to get her the damn membership.

I don't know if she is an alcoholic. Friends of mine who are recovering say it isn't a matter of frequency, it is a matter of self control.

On a side note, I told her I had been downtown across the street from the place she was at for a while. I had mentioned it in passing. She asked if I had gone out alone, to which I repied, no, I wasn't alone. There was a pause....then she asked if I had gone out with my divorced buddy T, and I said yes. But for just a few moments I could sense a little bit of nervousness on her part, that I might have been out on a date.

On that topic, I am counting the days. If she doesn't come out of the fog by Aug 09, and she sends me papers, I will start may dating life.

Makes me sad, but if she doesn't value what I bring to the table, what can I do ?

[Molly44]

Hi - I will tell you , that in the past few weeks when i have seriously realised my M might be over , i to have an increased sex drive. Reason - to feel good.

She is feeling confused and horrible and sex makes you feel good !

[native]

Post deleted by native

[native]

The subject line is from an old Elton John song, all you music buffs)

Right now W is not doing well at all. She is experiencing panic attacks and has called me about 4 times in the last 48 hrs sounding scared and confused. It worries me. She is trying to get back in touch with her counsellor, which I thought she should never have stopped seeing.

Part of her present difficulty is no doubt stemming from the recent drinking incident, which negatively affects the value of the anti-depressant medication she is on.

She also wants to quit her job and perhaps become a full time student and get her masters. This is her solution to find a life that makes her happy.

Of course, she is looking for the 'geographical' solution, not changing those things about herself that makes her life miserable wherever she goes.

When will this butterfly land ?