I'm not sure whether to be sympathetic and kindly and sweetly talk you off the ledge...
...or take a huge swing with my sarcastic 2x4 club.
STOP
LISTENING
TO
WORDS!!!!!
Especially words issued under the LOOSE lips of alcohol.
I guess I've chosen the latter.
Man up NDS. I mean it. Seriously and truly MAN the heck UP.
There is not one single person on this board, in a damaged marriage, that would not be THRILLED to have a spouse who at least acts lovingly towards them and allows them to have such FULL access to them. Not a single one.
And this is where you say, "Yeah, but...."
Bullshit.
This is not the place for the feint of heart. There is some seriously ugly [censored] that usually is going on around here.
Is your wife going to fall in love with someone she doesn't enjoy being with?
No
Is your wife going to want to be married to someone she has nothing in common with?
No
Is your wife going to choose to spend her life with someone who doesn't love her, care for her, think about her?
No
You're doing what needs to be done.
Supposedly you're doing what your heart COMPELS you to do. What you would do REGARDLESS of anything else in the situation.
So please tell me, what does her words from last night change?
Except for allowing you to feel sorry for yourself again.
And so I repeat....MAN the heck UP.
Sorry my friend. I was afraid that after all the nice positives here recently that you were going to get at least a taste of the "nothing has changed" speech at some point, and I had hoped that you would be able to shake it off and continue on.
Where is your progress?
Since when do her words have anything to do with her actions?
You're six months from moving out. According to her WORDS. Has she begun to put the "Moving Out" plan into action? Has she begun discussing how you are going to separate your financials and share your assets? Has she begun to talk about who gets to stay and who has to leave?
Why not?
Is it possible it's because those are JUST WORDS?
Why is that the cliche goes "ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS?"
While this woman is making love to you, she is telling you that you will never spend the rest of your life together.
Huh?
And finally, why are WE the only ones capable of seeing this disconnect between these little blips that come from her periodically and her actions?
You're a bright fellow.
Let's please start acting like one.
Sorry friend. 2x4 Called for.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Wow. I got the "my feelings haven't changed, I still feel the same way this past week."
That is very odd night man I'm not sure what the take is. Just going to through this out and someone kick the daylights out of me and don't take this wrong way. I do a lot of what if thinking myself so here it goes: Based on your evening and how it ended and her saying nothing has changed but look what it led too? So what I'm getting at is that she sees it and wants more? Not sure if that came out right at all. Someone else might be able to wordsmith ten times better.
Work2do
Married 22 years. Known each other 23.5 years Me: 42 W: 40 S: 21 D: 15 D: 11 Bomb Dropped: 04/7/08 Separated: 04/25/08 ILYBIDLY: 05/16/08
NDS, I agree with Bill, look for the actions. We will give you the words. Maybe the way she is coping is by using the "things haven't changed" comment. Could be a wall she is hiding behind, maybe it helps her feel in control, maybe it turns her on. I would get some female input on your sitch. I understand how it would confuzzle you. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I agree a 100% with Bill...and would like to add that maybe you should refrain from the alcohol indulgences when she is indulging...it can cloud things...it can complicate things...my H (when he started making the move home) used alcohol a lot to drown his feelings...but instead it caused them to surface...he would say things like he "loved" me..."wanted" me...but then not remember in the morning...I think it helped him to not feel responsible for his actions...
As for your wife...she is probably trying to "protect" herself by reminding you that things haven't changed...but when liquored up she has feelings that she can't deny...eventually that might need to be faced...I know my H can't drink at all anymore...so I know I have the real deal now...but for now...you need to keep a clear head especially when hers may not be so clear...I know as a woman, I drank to make myself feel good...to free up my inner feelings...sometimes it made me feel I could say things that I didn't necessarily mean but wanted to say to see what reaction I would get...sometimes it gave me the nerve to say what I wanted to say but was afraid to say sober...it is a fine line when you are drinking and trying to deal with a breaking/broken relationship...so one of you needs to keep the thinking clear...and that one is YOU...so as Bill said...MAN UP...watch her actions...and under what circumstances she is acting (alcohol, no alcohol, a little bit, nervous, angry, nonchallant, etc...)...if you need to keep a diary...reflect on it when you are alone...this might help you start to see a pattern and know what to expect later on down the road...
Well...Bill, if you say I need a 2x4, I guess I will take my lumps, but I really was not feeling sorry for myself this morning. Actually I was more pissed at her than anything else, and that's not good either.
I know the mantra.."actions not words", but after watching the actions and really paying attention to the positives the last couple of weeks, those words last night were just a bit hard to take. It has been a while, and maybe I should have expected it, but I tried so hard the last few weeks not to focus on what she might say or might be thinking....no fears...oh well.
This just tells me I still have work to do. Something she sees in me is still not right, something I am doing or not doing tells her I am not sincere.
It tells me I am still pretty bad at GAL, and emotionally detaching, or it would not have bothered so much.
....and I guess it tells me I have to MAN UP...lol...jeez, Bill...cursing at me, swinging the 2x4 and questioning my manhood...Thanks...needed that I suppose.
