I've been at this for some time. H was here for 19 months after the bomb. He would stay here for 3-4 days, leave for 3-4 days. When he was home, we were kind and thoughtful to each other. We would sometimes eat together, watch tv.
When he was away, we would not talk for the most part. I felt like he was moving towards me a little. Sharing more info about his life, calling me when he was away, etc. Then I backslid a bit, asked his opinion about paint for the house, needed help with my car and such.
He pulled back, went away for 11 days without calling. I called him (I think he was with ow, it was her birthday), he got angry.
When he came back, I told him that I could not do this anymore. Him coming and going as he pleased. It was too hard for me to move forward with him here. I told him for the fifth time in all this that if he wanted to leave, that he needed to do that. But when I said it this time, I said it differently, and he knew that I meant it. I put his clothes in the closet downstairs where he slept when he would be home. I think it angered him. But I felt like he would have continued to come back and forth.
I second guessed myself for a long time. I still dont know if setting the boundary was the right thing, but I couldnt go on with him coming and going.
I have not heard from him in three weeks. I have not contacted him at all.
So, it was a 180 for me to be firm in my words. It is a 180 for me not to cave in and call.
But it is so hard, too. I know that he felt I was too dependent on him. That I relied on him too much to do everything (I suffer from depression). So, I am trying to take care of things alone.
I guess time will tell if this was the right thing to do.
I've been at this for some time. H was here for 19 months after the bomb. He would stay here for 3-4 days, leave for 3-4 days. When he was home, we were kind and thoughtful to each other. We would sometimes eat together, watch tv.
When he was away, we would not talk for the most part. I felt like he was moving towards me a little. Sharing more info about his life, calling me when he was away, etc. Then I backslid a bit, asked his opinion about paint for the house, needed help with my car and such.
He pulled back, went away for 11 days without calling. I called him (I think he was with ow, it was her birthday), he got angry.
When he came back, I told him that I could not do this anymore. Him coming and going as he pleased. It was too hard for me to move forward with him here. I told him for the fifth time in all this that if he wanted to leave, that he needed to do that. But when I said it this time, I said it differently, and he knew that I meant it. I put his clothes in the closet downstairs where he slept when he would be home. I think it angered him. But I felt like he would have continued to come back and forth.
I second guessed myself for a long time. I still dont know if setting the boundary was the right thing, but I couldnt go on with him coming and going.
I have not heard from him in three weeks. I have not contacted him at all.
So, it was a 180 for me to be firm in my words. It is a 180 for me not to cave in and call.
But it is so hard, too. I know that he felt I was too dependent on him. That I relied on him too much to do everything (I suffer from depression). So, I am trying to take care of things alone.
I guess time will tell if this was the right thing to do.
Hi BG, Even though I just started this road I can really relate to your last posting. Setting a boundary and sticking with it. I must confess I have been a-waffling these last few weeks-trying to set boundaries and then not being solid about them.
My H moved out 1/3/09 just a few days after dropping the Bomb. He stayed over a few nights here and there after he broke off his A. I had such high hopes then and not a clue about MLC and what kind of journey we were really on...
When the OW pursued him he started up with her again and has been less affectionate, less attentive to our girls, and has had a much more volatile temper and negative view of me.
I boxed up the remaining things he has in our house after I discovered he restarted the A. He opened up a bit after I confronted him and said he fully expected to find his things waiting for him in the garage. He made one small statement of remorse and I was second-guessing myself and unpacked his things.
This weekend I decided, again, to further move him out. His office is in our home and I was going to ask that he work at his apartment(not an easy thing for him to do), I again boxed up the few remaining things he has here. When I mentionned my plan (about not working at our house)he got very emotional and teary. I got hooked in again by sharing that he didn't see a future life with the OW. I see the enabling and the dance I'm doing and I'm trying hard to detach. From all of the posts I've been reading it seems that the MLCer may progress better and the LBS detach more easily (and get a breather from the rollercoaster ride)if there is true/complete separation. Its just my take so far.
I think you are doing great going 3 weeks! I have a hard time with a few days. I think its scary to wonder if 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' and see that it may not for our husbands-at least not right now.
Remember, his lack of contact with you is much more about him and his MLC than about you.
It is scary trying to take care of things alone,and it can be overwhelming. I feel I'm a very capable, independent woman and I still find the thought of taking care of my two tweeners and the house daunting. My H has been helping a lot, but I don't know how long that will continue, so I'm trying to be as independent as I can.
One day at a time...you are doing great!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I completely understand your feelings of pain right now in your life. It is nice that you have some db'rs who are coming here to support and encourage you. I, too, want you to make some goal for yourself and your relationship and completely submerge yourself and hold onto hope.
Since you have people who want to support you and, also, need support, I encourage you to begin your own posting by establishing your very own subject within the mlc forum. This way you can have your own identity within the dbing community and people with similar issues will gather there to help support you.
I just found out from H's attn, that he has a retirement account that is worth $39,000. Silly me. I trusted him when he said he comingled it with his 401K acct. Apparantly, he did not.
Dear Poet, I didn't mean to confuse you with the "carrot" analogy. I was trying to explore your interaction that seem to illustrate how you both were somewhat predictable at hitting each other's hot buttons. That is what is seemed to look like, that's all.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
I am so despairing. I was dark for almost three weeks. Today, I was sitting at my computer at home and my H showed up. He thought I was working and would be free to come home. He doesn't know I'm off on Mondays.
He knocked at the front door. I answered. He said he was here to give me an insurance correspondence. I said I already took care of it, and didn't want it. He threw it at me. I asked him in. He said no.
He said, "This has gone on too long. I'm not right. You say you want to sit down and have a heart-to-heart before you sign the papers. I'm not going to do it. Just sign the papers." I said Please just talk to me. He said he didn't want to. He said this was my doings and he's already said everything he's going to say. He got in his truck and left. I followed him out to the truck and said "Please." He said "No, and just left."
Things have just gotten worse since I went dark, not better.
I am not sure what the dynamics were between you before all of this happened. What I am sure about is that you have to do things for yourself and do things that you know your H would eventually be proud of you for doing and being.
Nothing you 'say' to your H right now will do anything. All you can do is 'wait'.
I can also advise:
1.) Do not give him any reason to ease his guilty conscience. 2.) Do not act desperate, even if you feel it. (cry later) 3.) Let time heal your wounds. 4.) Agree with him. 5.) Be patient, be kind, be understanding. 6.) Read books. 7.) If you need anti-depressants, take them. Do what you need to do to feel better. Right now, pursuing him will make you feel worse. 8.) Make a list of all the things you want to do for yourself.
Remember, everyone's circumstances are different. My husband, A, and I never fought. Life was and still is stressful for him. I read that people in their 30s start to rethink what they have achieved in their life. A's nature is to be black and white. So one day, he left...it wasn't until 1-1/2 years later that he started to come forward to start to talk to me. I cried a lot and tried to find ways to remain hopeful. It isn't easy, but it does get easier.
Poet, try to live in faith, try to take the leap of faith. Do not take this into your own hands. You don't know 'how' it is going to manifest--just pray and believe it will come to fruition.
My heart aches for you. I know the tears that you cry.
My small nugget of gold: Shortly after A left, I wanted so much to bake him his favorite cookies and bring them to him as a gesture of love. I knew I couldn't do it at the time because 'anything' I did, I knew he would feel pressured and it would push him away. I knew that I would look pathetic. So, I didn't. Soooo, every once and awhile, I thought of it. I knew that it had to feel effortless, light, happy & right. Poet, it didn't happen when I planned it. I forgot about it, and just this past week, I visited him at his work to give him some papers and I brought him some bakery-made cookies. It was perfect timing (not my timing). He was very happy to receive them and very grateful. He even txt me to thank me for them. So, please Poet let time happen. Let your H make his mistakes and not have you to blame for them. Build yourself up and heal. Pray for your golden nugget.
You are my heart, my heroine, and I can only aspire to be as you are. I am learning ... slowly ... and so I believe in you. Thank you for all your patience with me and your powerful words of wisdom. I will write to you soon.
I was coming down my limerock road just now, and saw that H was coming toward me from the other direction. We both stopped in front of my driveway. I smiled and said hello. He said he was just "picking up the mail" which he can only get *up the road from our house* and not where I saw him.
I asked him if he was driving by to see if I was gone so he could come in the house. He denied it. Then I asked if he was coming to see me and he said no, and left.
OK, so what was he doing, lying? He could only have been there for one of those two reasons. He comes home all the time when I am not there, but I can't always tell. I'm pretty sure he wasnt' coming to see me because he didn't stay. I guess he lied, yet again.
