I was so happy to see that you have a new meeting with A today. With your progress, I don't see why you should feel nervous and worried about how to act light, happy and easy. You see to be the epitomie (sp) of light and goodness. I think your H sees that and this is why he keeps coming back. Think of your self as WORTH more than nervous, and you will be.
I have a meeting with my H too. It will be the first time he's agreed to see me since August. (Of course, it benefits him). We have a meeting to see the H&R Block lady on Monday @ 4:30 p.m. I will meet him there.
Also, I had a tele convo with him the other night. He said he worked on Sunday. I asked what, and he wouldn't tell me. I said, "Well, is it under the table?" He said, "Not exactly." And then I asked, "Are you getting paid for it?" His answer was, "Sort of." Hmmm, I'm so disgusted. If there is one thing I have a right to know about, it's his financial situation. And he's keeping these secrets from me. I do have a right to know, and it hurts.
a.) he asked me for my advice and help b.) he showed me his new tv (he said, 'it's like yours) c.) we joked and laughed d.) I feared that his life is becoming more and more unknown to me. e.) I listened to him talk about his family. I was attentive, supportive and encouraged him. f.) I affirmed his thoughtfulness g.) I told him he was a good son and a good brother. h.) He talked about a meal he made...I told him I admired how his skill of putting ingredients together without a recipe
3.) no sign of getting together. Only, 'talk soon'. 4.) I took a risk...and asked him if he wanted to catch a quick meal with me...he said 'yes' 5.) he said, 'you probably noticed that I gained 20 lbs? I didn't notice...I just think he is handsome.
I suppose it is good...I just hate to leave him. The letter that I wrote to send to him is looking pretty good now. I think I'm getting more courage to talk with confidence. All I know is that I miss him. And I see no real use for our being apart...
1.) having separation anxiety 2.) so many days apart...so little time together 3.) feeling a little regret...things I said...what I should have said 4.) re-thinking what A said...did say...didn't say 5.) I held back my wave of emotions when he was telling me about places he has gone and restaurants he has eaten in...I wanted to strangle him
6.) My mind goes back and forth from negative to positve. a.) He thinks about me to he wants to forget about me. b.) He wants me in his life, but in a very controlled way. c.) Come a tad close, but I don't want you close.
7.) I get a feeling that he doesn't want to give relationship messages...but he wants me on the perimeter of his life. a.) The perimeter is a tough place to be (I guess it is better than out of his life)
I am sorry if I missed it, but how did this get together happen? And what great risk-taking for you to ask him about the quick meal - and he said yes.
Is that for a future time or did that quick meal happen yesterday?
The thinking that you are doing today - is it helpful to you?
I've got a lot of questions for you today!
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Dear Poet, When I read your last paragraph, it seems like you both share some type of conversation "dance" that feels a bit like a game. Am I getting that right?
He seems to hold the "carrot" out (when he told you he worked on Sunday), you seem to be reaching for it (asking about it, if it's "under the table"), he pulls the carrot back a bit ("not exactly"), you reach a bit more ("getting paid for it?"), and then he pulls it back a final time ("sort of").
I could be reading that all wrong, but I am curious how you see it.
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
Re-reading my thoughts...they seem very emotional. It wasn't helpful. I make my own head spin sometimes.
We did go out to eat. The time we spent together was good. I really enjoyed his company. I think he enjoyed mine. We laughed, talked, I listened, he shared about what he's been doing and what he enjoys. Overall...it was a nice casual meal. I told him that I enjoyed his company.
I'm not really sure I understand what you are asking, or saying, to me. I do not know about, or understand the "carrot" analogy. Why he does what he does is a mystery to me. He wants out of the marriage, and there is nothing I can do/say to save it.
I do have some news though. Today, I got a "marital settlement proposal" from his attorney, in the mail. He wants the house and is willing to pay me $50,000 for it. (That's pittance, in my opinion). He wants me to leave him alone. (Each party agrees not to harrass or otherwise interfere with the other party's business, private or social activities). Whew! I guess that means I cannot tell his boss what a creep he is.
Well, after sleeping, I still feel the same way ... completle dejected, despondent and alone. I am not sure why my H has decided to complete shut me out of his life. He said, in the beginning, he wanted to be friends. Yet, and I can't see thru all that he's done -- including the things he wants me to agree to in this agreement -- and come out the other side, feeling like he's being honest with me about that statement. How can a man "want to be friends" and dishonor and disrespect me as he has done? I can't seem to wrap my mind around this concept.
He wants me to agree to not filing a "full disclosure." Yet, I still wonder where all his extra money has gone to for the past several years. There is so much, that I feel cheated on, that it is overwhelming.
The first thing you need to know about MLCers is that they are liars. They cannot help themselves. My W expected me to just say "fine" when she wanted to leave without taking any responsibility. You must hold him accountable, which means filing full disclosures. Let the attorney be the bad guy. You don't have to discuss D with him. I have never discussed our situation directly with my W. Everyone here will tell you to protect yourself, and full disclosure comes with the territory. If he wants a divorce, let him do the work. Don't believe anything he says. Protect yourself. Yes, it hurts, but rational thought must temper your feelings.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
I've been at this for some time. H was here for 19 months after the bomb. He would stay here for 3-4 days, leave for 3-4 days. When he was home, we were kind and thoughtful to each other. We would sometimes eat together, watch tv.
When he was away, we would not talk for the most part. I felt like he was moving towards me a little. Sharing more info about his life, calling me when he was away, etc. Then I backslid a bit, asked his opinion about paint for the house, needed help with my car and such.
He pulled back, went away for 11 days without calling. I called him (I think he was with ow, it was her birthday), he got angry.
When he came back, I told him that I could not do this anymore. Him coming and going as he pleased. It was too hard for me to move forward with him here. I told him for the fifth time in all this that if he wanted to leave, that he needed to do that. But when I said it this time, I said it differently, and he knew that I meant it. I put his clothes in the closet downstairs where he slept when he would be home. I think it angered him. But I felt like he would have continued to come back and forth.
I second guessed myself for a long time. I still dont know if setting the boundary was the right thing, but I couldnt go on with him coming and going.
I have not heard from him in three weeks. I have not contacted him at all.
So, it was a 180 for me to be firm in my words. It is a 180 for me not to cave in and call.
But it is so hard, too. I know that he felt I was too dependent on him. That I relied on him too much to do everything (I suffer from depression). So, I am trying to take care of things alone.
I guess time will tell if this was the right thing to do.
