Another one joins the flock (III)

[momof2girls]

Hi Mike,
In my opinion, DBing is about saving yourself because in order to restore and make a marriage better, things need to change. Once we all take some accountability for the problems in our marriages and change the problem, things get better.

My H notices all the time the way I have changed. I used to have no patience when things did not go as planned. I am your AAAAA personality (must be a teacher thing!!) and now I say "it is what it is..." I deal with things as they happen and I don't jump the gun.

As far as your friends only seeing the fact that your W is with OM and that your M should be over...well that brings back memories of my friends and some family saying the same thing to me..."file before he does...screw him to the wall financially..."

Me not doing any of these things left many perplexed. They thought I was crazy. My response used to be (and still is, when people find out that H and I are together..) is "I hope you never have to experience what I have experienced...but until you do please do not make judgement calls about what I have decided to do for me, H and my children. I appreciate your concern but would much rather have your support." Usually, I leave them speechless. I have lost friends over this whole thing but the way I look at it, my true friends have stuck by me no matter what.

When does school start for you? We start Monday...so early this year!

[craig54]

And none of this could have happened if you had just given up. In the beginning i made it clear to my wifes mother to please stay out of it. She has not interfered at all. Plus my wife would not listen to anything her mother had to say anyway.

alot of positives Mike.

[Mike85]

momof2girls: Your response to those who thought you were crazy is perfect. It's basically what I've told friends & family. Those people who I still count as friends are those who realize that they honestly DON'T know how they'd react in my situation and therefore withhold judgement and just provide support - in the form of dinners together, hanging out with me and my sons, occasionally letting me vent (while withholding comments), and just being there.

School doesn't start in most NY schools until two days after Labor Day. Next Monday & Tuesday I have to go in for "new staff orientation," which is funny, b/c I've been in my new building so many times that I've already gotten a lot of the new staff stuff done - already have my room keys, new ID, parking hanger, e-mail account and network login stuff, etc. Heck, I've even decorated my room already and have my syllabi done and ready to be copied.

craig: I've come to realize that the positives I've listed would never have happened if I had taken the "world's" recommended path and filed for D. I've also realized that some of the positives have directly resulted from things W has said to me - I now pay the bills and am more hands-on with all the finances, and most importantly, I finally got off my duff and snagged a much better job. I've even told W that it was our first conversation as post-bomb "friends" that spurred me to take the plunge and get the new job.

One of the hardest struggles was regaining the trust of my in-laws. MIL did not believe the sincerity of my actions for the longest time, fearing that I was making temporary, superficial changes just to keep W from moving out and that I would go "Michael Corleone" once W moved out. It took months, but my in-laws and I trust each other again, which is great for many reasons, not the least of which is that we have become a "support group" for each other. I have a therapist and this place to help me through this... my in-laws had nothing. Now we have each other.

Over time and through reflection, I've come to realize how I contributed to my marriage's state. Previously, I just copped to complacency that I blamed on us being together 20 years. Now I realize that there was more to it than that. I blew off W's repeated attempts to fill the void she was feeling through her frequently changing hobbies (heck, I even made light of her being a 'jack of all trades master of none'). I didn't recognize her feelings of inadequacy regarding her not finishing college and probably made things worse several time by joking with friends, etc. about how easy college is. I misread her complaining about my time online as merely nagging, not grasping that she was reaching out to me. I didn't show enough interest or enthusiasm to the life changes she said she wanted (more active social life, more athletics, me being more proactive in household stuff). I tried to ignore our tendency to "turtle" after work and the growing tension in the house. I ignored or misread her newfound obsession with her looks, her weight, and how other people see her. I should have recommended counseling for US months and months ago, but I stuck my head in the sand and hoped that it would all just pass.

Does any of this excuse my wife's infidelity? Absolutely not. But I can at least understand *why* she was unhappy and thought that she had to get away.

I see the quest now as working our way back - the first steps must be, and have been, taken by me. I supported her moving out and followed DB steps. The next step we have BOTH worked on - the difficult and awkward creation and cultivation of a friendship, despite her living with OM. I give W credit for doing this also, since she easily could have stayed hostile. And now, I must exercise caution and patience, patience, and more patience while I pray that W decides to open her heart further to me and us. In the meantime, I keep working on me.

The rollercoaster ride will be a long one, with no definite outcome assured, but I believe with all my heart that the possibility of reconciliation makes the ride worth it.

[craig54]

Mike,

You are on the right path. Continue to work on yourself , and pray to the Lord , and he will work on your wife. And contrary to the world's view, it is worth it, That is our hope and prayer.

[Mike85]

Mowed the in-laws' lawn yesterday and MIL needed to hang and talk. She and FIL just needed to vent their issues, so I sat and listened, making no comments.

MIL admitted that she made a tactical error a few days ago in telling W about the spare room that she and FIL have set up for when W and OM break up, especially since she foolishly told W that "statistically, [OM] isn't 'the one,' so when you inevitably break up, there's a safe place for you here." Criminy! Naturally, it made W defensive about OM, and she went on and on about how OM "makes [her] happy."

At least MIL said that she was able to keep a straight face when W told her that OM said that he was going to clear over $150K this year. Hell, I fell off the chair laughing when MIL said it. W and OM live in a craphole summer rental apartment that is basically a furnished closet. I've been in it. W has had to go in and work on what *were* her previous days off to help pay the bills that are piling up from their "lake lifestyle." If OM makes $150K a year, I'm the Pope. Just another sign of W's clueless infatuation - she was blind to his alcoholism, forgave him for abandoning her forty miles from home, puts up with his chain-smoking, tobacco-chewing, compulsive overeating and discomfort with our kids.

After we left the in-laws', I took the oldest son to football practice. Our friends (the ones that are ostensibly "more W's friends" and who live next to W and OM) sat next to me. Over the course of two hours, they brought up W at one point. I mentioned the 'safe room' my in-laws set up for W. I brought up the possibility of them doing something similar, since they live next door to W and b/c W makes a big point of claiming that they're "thick as thieves." The female friend looked at me weird and said that W never talks to her any more and pretty much even avoided her during the week of camping. Her hubby backed her account and said that "no way" would he put W up. The wife backed off the "no way" bit (she's a sweetheart and would never turn away a friend), but it still amazes me that W feels the need to still lie about stuff like friends.

Today, went to C. Caught her up on the whole "fun" of two weeks ago, when OM went on his bender. C asked me to describe how I felt at different points in my account, and I admitted that part of the motivation for my "noble effort" was the deliberate effort on my part to provide a character contrast between myself and OM. I pointed out that no matter what happens down the road, what OM did na dhow I responded will ALWAYS be in W's mind.

C applauded my effort (and my honesty) but cautioned me about making sure that I take care of my own emotional and spiritual needs, not allowing my own self to be utterly consumed by my altruism/standing. She said that she still sees and hears a sadness in me, even as I show a brave face, and that I have to acknowledge and give time to the sadness and anger (constructively, of course). Gave me a lot to think about on my ride home.

When W dropped the kids off, they were all downright chipper and perky. W gave me a big hug and kiss. I tossed her a bag of "chocolate turtle" snack/party mix that was part of a "buy one get one free" deal. She loves chocolate. She thanked me and I got another hug and kiss.

Tomorrow - Webelo campout... in a neighbor's yard. Yep, that's roughing it.

[Nature Girl]

Hi Mike,

Not sure if I've posted to you before, but I do lurk on your thread because you do amaze me in how fast you seem to have gotten yourself a good "strategy" for your situation.

The following struck a chord with me...

She said that she still sees and hears a sadness in me, even as I show a brave face, and that I have to acknowledge and give time to the sadness and anger (constructively, of course). Gave me a lot to think about on my ride home.

I have brief periods of sadness and anger that I allow myself to feel when I am alone, but I quickly get my brave face on. I fear that I am stuffing those feelings. Did your C give you any tips for processing those feelings? I don't have a C, but I'm thinking that I need to get one.

[Mike85]

Crap, crap, crap.

First, while watching football practice this morning, my friend Dave (of the couple I had been mentioning in other posts), tells me that W made nice with OM even after he abandoned her at least partially because OM promised to take her to Jamaica for the Christmas holidays. On top of that, he also told me that in one of the arguments that W and OM had during the camping trip with regard to his abandoning her, she had said in front of everyone that she was "just mad because you went without me."

THEN, I come home to find a letter from an attorney, advising me that he has been working with W on a legal separation agreement on her behalf, that I should probably get a lawyer, and that he has forwarded W a Statement of Net Worth for her to fill out.

MIL had mentioned the other day that W had said that D stuff was being set in motion by her, and that she was planning on the whole NYS deal of just being legally separated for a year and then it "automatically turning into a D." I didn't believe that W was serious at the time, but now the L's letter is staring me in the face.

Crap, crap, crap.

I don't even know if I can afford to get a lawyer (or how to find a good one) or what W will be asking for in a separation agreement.

Part of me wants to call her and ask. Originally, she wanted NO money from me at all, just expected me to pay specific bills (including the mortgage), and we had a very agreeable custody arrangement, and had stated that all she wanted to do was formalize this.

Now, I'm scared that she's been talked into - by OM (who is a financial planner and is paying for her attorney)- asking me for $$$ for spousal support and/or steps that would force me to sell my house.

I don't want to overreact, but I don't want to get screwed over. On the one hand, she may truly only be looking to formalize the agreement we had set in place, as she originally claimed. On the other hand, i don't want to get blindsided by her asking for 50% spousal support (which I'd never go for, and she wouldn't be awarded anyway, since OM and her have been co-habitating with him picking up the bills).

As you can imagine, my morale has taken a HUGE hit on a day when I'm supposed to be a perky parent for oldest son's campout.

[craig54]

Mike, I can understand your frustration. My wife hasn't done anything with the d papers in months. All of a sudden last week she is seeking legal advice so she can finish the settlement agreement.Have fun with your son and try to forget about the mess.Keep praying.

[Mike85]

craig: Thanks.

After I calmed down, I decided to call someone from my church who is a lawyer. He's not a D lawyer himself, but I figured that he could refer me toward someone locally who is good. He wasn't home, but I got his wife, who offered her sympathy and said that she would have her husband call me later today. She also warned me that even if my W may have gone into the legal formalization process with the best of intentions, that as soon as attorneys get involved, things get more adversarial as financial "rights" get brought up for consideration.

One of the minor pluses in the situation is that if we go to court, the family court judges in our county are all men who take a *very* dim view on WAS's, especially ones that commit adultery while still living at home. I've already been informed by one lawyer friend that W screwed herself over not just by beginning PA while still living at home, but then moving in with OM immediately, then letting him pay the tab for expenses and leaving a long and large paper trail to prove it. The fact that OM, with whom she is co-habitating, is an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon as recently as two weeks ago would also play a huge part in determining custody arrangement. I don't want to have to play hardball, but I refuse to let my children's well-being be jeopardized by W's infatuation with her alcoholic OM.

I'll try to take your advice craig, not think about the mess, and have fun on the campout.

[Mike85]

Just got off the phone with a friend who has been a great comfort to me through this whole ordeal. She and I, along with many of our other soon-to-be-former colleagues are planning a party to celebrate our new jobs.

Naturally, we discussed the letter I received from W's attorney.

As my friend and I talked, I realized that the one, single thing that OM provides W that I cannot is the style of living to which she feels entitled. She quite simply loves being able to live on the lake, owning a boat, going wakeboarding, hobnobbing with well-off folks ten years younger than her, the prospect of traveling to Jamaica and Europe... and is perfectly happy and willing to tear apart our family in order to have that style of living. She's told me that she loves her new life and can't see ever giving it up. Instead of trying to get that standard of living by finishing school and working hard in a new career, she has decided to shack up with someone who'll lavish his money on her.

Looking backward at the things she has said and done even recently, she does seem hellbent on getting a D the most low-key way possible. I don't believe that she means to hurt me, but I also believe that she wants a complete divorce from not just me, but from her old way of life.

She used to joke that she married the first time for love but the second time would be for money, and it seems as though she's on a fast track to make the joke a reality. I will not be surprised if after we file for the legal S, if she and OM become engaged by New Year's Eve. Honestly. She is the hottie that he never thought he could score, and he is providing her with the toys, travel, and social life that she has decided she is entitled to. They complement each other's neuroses and have spun a self-deluded cocoon, a little fantasy world, in which their selfish needs are fed by each other.

It is truly sad that the giving, loving, noble woman to which I given my heart for twenty years has become such an incredibly shallow, selfish, and superficial individual. It saddens me to hear people in the community talk about what she has become, how they just don't like her anymore, and how I'm perilously close to losing their respect for wanting to stay with such a self-destructive, selfish user.

I'll admit that my morale happens to be at a low ebb right now and that is coloring my view, but at this point, I can't see WANTING to be with her the way she is at the moment. I'm not going adversarial, but I'm going to take off the rose-colored glasses and make a point of using an attorney to protect the interests of myself and my kids.