H moved into his new home on Friday (our anniversary). Had a little party last night (D called me this morning and told me all about it). His parents, sister, and OW. OW had met in-laws before...when she was my friend. MIL didn't care for her (too "in your face" kind of person) and commented to me that she is so different from me. MIL is more quiet, reserved.
It is sad for me. I knew that this would happen, but no matter how much you prepare for it, it still hurts.
I love his parents. And while they have done nothing wrong, I feel like I am being pushed out, erased, etc. His family have been my family for over 25 years. It just hurts that they have this new person to....I don't know....accept, love?!?! I don't know. And I won't know how they feel - there has been no discussion of our situation with them. It is almost like they have been issued a gag order. I won't raise it because I don't want to make them uncomfortable - I do remember that he is their son and blood is thicker than water.
The weekends without my kids continue to hurt. I know what I need to do, but it isn't easy for me. My friends spend their weekends with their families or with other couples - no one else is divorced. Work people are all many years younger than me and they do the bar/drinking thing. I'm also more of an introvert so it is difficult. So how's this for a self-induced pity party? I am trying - I am volunteering at a school fundrasier today. But it is hard because it will be many 2 parent families attending. D is in new school this year, and so far, I have attended every function alone (parent/techer night, scheduling, freshman picnic, etc. - H doesn't know anyone so he doesn't attend). It just saddens me.
People are starting to find out about H and OW. The soap opera drama is starting. My boss got wind of it and made a comment to me. It is embarrassing and sad. And H continues to talk about our sex life. I run into people and just wonder - "what did he tell you?"
What I wouldn't give to move from this area. But it would be devastating to my D's, so I am stuck.
I give so much credit to those of you who still love your spouses and are waiting for this to pass. What they do is so incredibly hurtful...you have to be so strong to stand and forgive. I just can't imagine ever being friends with him, let alone anything more. And I always thought that I was strong person.....
M I think we have to find a way to override the pain to create a new reality for us our H are sick like if a person has a mental illness we didnt cause it it was not about us so we need to train our minds like a boot camp to let these discouraging thoughts go trust that you will be ok I know it is hard to feel repalced or left out by a family you have been close to but maybe this is alos part of the plan all R end eventually it is sad but God always replaces in his perfect way I too am dealing with constant loss H ,mother , some of my extended family friends come and go but there are always a chosen few really good people who stay for the long haul I dont place my well being on others anymore to be there onlt on God and my R with me peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
" feel like I am being pushed out, erased, etc. His family have been my family for over 25 years. It just hurts that they have this new person to....I don't know....accept, love?!?!"
I related to this, too. I finally realized that I needed to say something to in-laws (while understanding their predicament). I have pulled back from them. It hurts but I am not part of their family any more. I told them that I am sorry that they are in this predicament but no, I did not want to go to dinner with them when they were accepting OW and essentially aiding in the destruction of my marriage. MIL in particular has never really listened to me or responded to a very simple request that I had of her when all this starting to happen.
With that said, you have to expect this--he is their son and what can they do? IIf you understand their predicament, it helps to try to have some compassion.
As far as the public part of this situation, you have nothing to be ashamed of--your H is the one who did this. At the same time, I understand that there is a certain humiliation to the whole situation.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Peace, I have my mind trained....it is my heart that, at times, doesn't fall in line. I have accepted my new reality...but sometimes some things will just hit me. I have felt so much loss in this whole situation.....my marriage, my "perfect" family, some friends, and now some family. Just when I make it through one "loss", another one seems to hit and I have to start the "mourning" process all over again. It is so hard to be here. I don't write this to sound as pathetic as it will, but this is his town with his family and friends. I moved into his life and I really have no one here. Even our friends were couples and our separation has been a strain on them. I also neglected my past friendships, ones that I had before moving here, to focus on my family. Past "decisions" coming back to haunt me....
Breton, I may be making excuses....but I am fairly certain that H's parents have been told the marriage is over and so they think it is over. OW is not the original OW who aided in breaking up the marriage. That "true connection" lasted until November. I believe that this current OW cheated on her BF at some point late last spring (BF was very good friend of H). Of course, H's parents would have no way of knowing that. H's parents and I do not discuss anything with regard to the marriage...nothing. It is wierd at times, but I am so concerned about making them uncomfortable that I never bring it up. And what am I going to do....bad mouth their son to them? I don't know....
I know what you mean about humiliation. I remember feeling ashamed when people were first finding out about our separation. That seems so minor now....
I have felt so much loss in this whole situation.....my marriage, my "perfect" family, some friends, and now some family.
The fallout from a failed marriage can seem endless for the LBS. My XH and I have been D for 13 years and I still have to deal with it and I know it will continue for years to come...even after they are adults, there will be (hopefully) graduations, weddings, grandkids, etc. where I am sure there will be issues that will arise. My XH and his wife want to continue to blame me for so many things but can never look at themselves as the source of any problem. Prepare yourself that your H and the OW could do the same. If they were healthy, happy people, they would have a conscious and would NOT be able to do the things they have done. And I believe as time goes on and the more crap they pile on to the heap, the harder it will be for them to look at themselves.
How can you think you sound pathetic?...your life as you knew it and planned it has been destroyed. BUT through that destruction, you will rebuild. There will be happiness for you where ever you are if you look for it...even in a small town where his family and friends are. Hold your head high and show all of them your strength and grace...and you will find new friends and reconnect with old friends.
Take care of yourself and look for all of the blessings you have in your life.
I think you have been swallowing lots of pain this last year. Be careful, you might end up defining yourself by being the person that swallows pain so everyone else can be happy.
What do I mean?
1. His parents. Why are you so concerned about making them feel uncomfortable? Blood is thicker than water, but, perhaps that's the problem. You H is surrounded by people who seem to act as if nothing's happened. Tell them the truth, the whole truth. Tell them you want the marriage restored, but you husband will have none of that. Tell them about both affairs. Tell it to them once, and then leave it at that. Say your peace.
2. Your daughters. How will they develop a moral compass if everyone is playing the "I'm OK, your OK" game? You husband abandoned his family and has had two affairs. That woman is not his girlfriend, she's his mistress/OW. She's probably so damaged, she doesn't care who she hurts in order to get some comfort in this life. I think you need to sit them down and your kids them that what their father is doing is wrong, as is the relationship with the OW. It's called adultery. You can also tell them that he's their dad and they can love him, even when he does wrong things.
Your daughters want more time with him to "make up" for the loss. They are trying to stoke the fires of love with a parent they feel has abandoned them.
3. Custody. Perhaps seeing their dad and his mistress 50% ff the time might not be best thing for your daughters, even if they think it's a good idea. How about every other weekend, alternate holidays and some summer vacation. Being a mom means taking your daughter's best interests at heart, even if it means crossing their wills.
I'm sorry this hurts. But I'm not exactly sure what your DB strategy was, except to save yourself. And that's fine. Part of saving yourself in not simply "detaching" from your H and having fun yourself. Part of saving yourself is valuing yourself enough to set up healthy boundaries around yourself AND your daughters. Pretending everything is OK and not asking people to take sides is noble -- but, in the end, it doesn't help to pretend what your husband has done isn't sh*tty and morally rephehensible.
I'm speaking to you about this, because in my own situation, the major compenent of my "getting a life" is rebuilding my self-respect.
Theoden - I recognize your name - you may have posted to me under my old name "w8ing".
I have thought about talking to my in-laws and may do that at some point. I am not there yet as far as being able to do this.
I have spoken to my daughters. They are and continue to be my priority. And their "moral compass" has been a concern to me. There have been other things that H has done that has caused me concern because of the example that he had set for the girls. They know that adults aren't perfect and we make mistakes. They make mistakes and I still love them - they know that this is the same for adults. My older one recognizes this, my younger one is still processing it.
Nothing more has been said about increased time. I am not pursuing it because they are better off with me. And I don't say this in a vindictive manner. He doesn't know what to do with them, he doesn't even know how to speak to them. I was stunned by D's request, but then thought about it. It simply isn't going to happen because it isn't in their best interests. I had to laugh though - you mentioned summer vacation, holidays, etc. H has never asked for any of this. He goes on vacation with his friends, OW....not his daughters. I can't imagine going on vacation without them.
My DB strategy was like most here - try and save the marriage, realize that the chance of that is slim, then go into survivial mode, and try and save me. I have survived and am very close to saving me. You are right - I haven't set a lot of boundaries. I think people who are newer to this are so afraid of doing the wrong thing to make them run further that we don't set up boundaries. I am at the point where I don't care what he thinks - if he crosses the line with me - I will call him on it. I don't raise my voice, I am not sarcastic. I state my point, why it is an issue, etc. He gets defensive and I call him on it. It is usually at this point that he backs down.
I know what you are saying about not pretending that everything is okay and the people taking sides issue. Although my intent has always been to take the high road, my real goal in not speaking to others has been so it would die a fast death on the gossip grapevine. I thought there would be less chance that my daughters would hear of the crap going on. How does talking to others help me or my situation? I don't ask this in a sarcastic manner - I am geniunely interested in your comments on this.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Up - I have figured out that OW is very insecure and doesn't have much confidence, even though she tries to project herself as very confident. The fact that he continues to try and justify his bad behavior and the fact that she actually got involved with him - not healthy or normal at all. I actually feel bad for her children. The role models that they have for relationships include their father who cheated, left, divorced, remarried and is rumored to be cheating again...and their mother who was cheated on, divorced, had a 5 year long relationship destroyed by her cheating with her BF's best friend (my H). Oh and the fact that she was my friend...... What wonderful examples these girls have to follow.
I know what you are saying about not pretending that everything is okay and the people taking sides issue. Although my intent has always been to take the high road, my real goal in not speaking to others has been so it would die a fast death on the gossip grapevine. I thought there would be less chance that my daughters would hear of the crap going on. How does talking to others help me or my situation? I don't ask this in a sarcastic manner - I am geniunely interested in your comments on this.
I think it's more an issue of being honest with yourself and others. Killing gossip is probably the only reason I would see for keeping quiet about it. I think I'm more concerned about you taking on a posture of being the silent suffering LBS.
I know clasic DB-ing says it's best not to recruit "allies" because it makes everything complex. That's true.
On the other hand, people often don't wake up from the affair/fog/mlc until real consequences hit. What consequences has your husband had to face? Financial loss? Public ostracism? Losing friends?
I think when we want to protect our children we will take on immense amount of pain.
I view the WAS and the OP as emotional terroists with bombs strapped to them shilding themselves behind our children. If you want to "take them out" the children get hurt.
I don't think you need to go out and tell everyone, yet I think it's OK to tell the truth when the subject arises. It will come up if you end up getting a divorce.
I don't know. Perhaps it was more a "vibe" I sensed that felt like you were taking in too much of the emotional burden and keeping your husband's dirty little secrets.
No financial loss, no public ostracism, no losing friends (maybe a couple of my friends but he doesn't view this as a loss), no consequences with family, no issues at work.
I will experience an enormous financial loss as well as losing future financial security. I have lost at least one "friend" and others, who were either "couple" friends of ours or really his friends prior to the marriage. I will experience some type of loss of his family - to be determined, I guess. I had to quit my job (I worked with H) and find something new.
And, to be honest with you, I struggle with this. I don't dwell on this much anymore because heading down the "life isn't fair" road is just a trip to nowhere. Yes, I would like him to feel a little bit of the pain that he has caused me and others. But dwelling on it....it just doesn't help.
You have a good vibe. I have carried the weight and I have kept his dirty little secrets. I honestly don't know if I am the silent suffering LBS. You have given me something to think about. But I will tell you that my kids are doing okay. And if it is because I have kept my mouth shut, even just a little bit, then it is worth it.
Thanks, Theoden for your comments. I appreciate them.
My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult to go through what we have and to experience such a devastating loss. I too have lost all my inlaws, associated friends and the family unit. Never in my whole life did I think that would happen.
My in laws have embraced OW and involve her in family activities as well as trips. It is like 20 years of dedication evaporated. It is so painful, but I want to say that eventually people start seeing the truth to the situation. My in-laws have seen my ex and his OW fight and argue. They see my ex taking no responsibility or blame for his adultery. They are beginning to see some of his MLC's behaviors. Though they will never know the pain or have heard the MLC's words and phrases that we have experienced, they will eventually see some of the truth.
I trully believe that God will help you through this and open new doors for you and bring new people into your life as long as you act according to his ways. It sounds like you have handled yourself beautifully and with grace. You have protected your children. Take care of yourself and know that your life will get better. I never thought I would feel better, but I do. I can even laugh and smile again.
Take Care, Trusting
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
