Peace I have no idea on the D thing. Could it be that you could simply say I don't want a D, let's just drop this whole thing. Could it be that easy?
I know that my h stayed away due to depression, guilt, pride, it is all kind of bundled together. What the time and space does is allow your h to come around, see that he wants to stay m and if possible get some mc and ic.
This does take years of patience and loving uncondtionally and being supportive and respectful of your h and not pushing them into soemthing they may not agree with.
Would you want your h to wait for you and be patient if you were in a crisis?
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
"You can't miss a court appearance" is Bullspit. I missed a ton of them. I miss every one I can.
It is my way of showing the utter disdain I have for the divorce process itself. When your attorney says "you cannot miss this appearance" it is baloney. You cannot miss it if you want a REALLY GOOD DIVORCE. If you and he miss all the appearances, what do you think will happen to the case? It will be dropped, I guarantee it.
But I don't understand why you would have asked your husband to file papers when you didn't want to be divorced. Is this some sort of reverse-psychology trick that backfired? ???
Glam OH upside thanks for your support Sir I think I needed to push H against a wall to see if he would file or maybe I thought (eventhough I knew better) that the threat would wake him up! or maybe it was my way out..anyway
He filed..in june then never answered my L counter petition I dont know..at this point, what to do I realize my chances for Reconciliation are slim ive waited for 21 months here part of me feels if my H wants to return one day, a D wont be the thing to stop him and if it isnt in the cards for us..if our M is over forever then it is in my best interest to get D and get everything legal and also not be responsible for any debt he may have..also to start moving on this D is closure for me I do not want to be M to this man as he is and there is no guarantee he will change in the next year or ever thanks for your input peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peace - I don't have any answers for you as we are in very similar places - more than you could ever know. I was catching up on your thread tonight and was just shaking my head at some of the things that are the same (income tax return).
Someone else posted that if you are still asking the question on whether or not you should or shouldn't proceed, you are more than likely not ready to make this decision. I, too, was filled with indecision. However, the latest girlfriend was the proverbial straw for me. I was willing to accept almost anything, including his other affair. But what he is doing now, I simply can't. And, Peace, it was very clear to me - I have not been second guessing myself at all.
You say that part of you feels like you want your H to return one day. That says to me that you shouldn't be proceeding. What does it hurt to wait? Why is it in your best interest to get a D and get everything legal. If you are okay financial and you continue to live your life and you aren't just sitting around the house "w8ing" (wink, wink), why take any other step? Getting a D won't give you closure if you haven't decided that this is what you really want and need to do at this point. It simply finalizes the process legally. The doesn't mean that it finalizes the process in your head and your heart. Court papers simply can't do that.
When you have this many questions, Peace, it is time to be still.
peace, millicent seems to be "right on target". MHO.
dig deep in your heart and soul. Throw out what is "right", or "standard". Forget what should be. What do YOU want?
(((peace)))
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Peace, There is an old saying around here...."when in doubt, do nothing". I believe you need to sit still and waiting patiently for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you are still questioning if D is the right thing to do, it sounds like you are not ready to move forward with it.
I'm like you and often think the D paperwork will help bring closure. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. But it's hard to imagine that a piece of paper will change the way you feel. Try to find your own closure - unlikely that any help with this will ever come from our H's.
I can't remember - do you have S agreement in place? Do you think you are really at risk financially?
BTW, I still haven't started a new thread... Just living my life day by day, realizing things every now and then, and mostly enjoying the things I have, especially my kids. In a good place for now, and just hoping I can continue to find the positive in all of this. Taking better care of me and doing all the things I've always wanted to do. H is missing out!
hi peace- I can understand how torn you are. You want to move on with your life BUT you still want your M and think it could work if your H would give it a chance. When you told your H to file you were grieving the loss of your mom.
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He filed..in june then never answered my L counter petition
I still believe your H filed because he thought it was what you wanted and he was trying to help you get through a tough time. Your H hasn't done much with the D since.
Quote:
I realize my chances for Reconciliation are slim ive waited for 21 months here part of me feels if my H wants to return one day, a D wont be the thing to stop him and if it isnt in the cards for us..if our M is over forever then it is in my best interest to get D and get everything legal and also not be responsible for any debt he may have..also to start moving on this D is closure for me I do not want to be M to this man as he is and there is no guarantee he will change in the next year or ever
It sounds like you keep trying to convince yourself that you should go forward with the D and IMO, that is okay if that is what you want. Just remember there is no guarantee that the D will bring closure if it isn't what you truly want. Maybe a legal S would be a better route for now until you are sure.
I remember when I decided to D my first H. It took me a long time to get to the place when I was finally ready but once I was there, I never questioned my decision. Trying to figure this out has got to be tough for you. You don't seem like you are certain that you are ready to make this step but at the same time, you want to move forward.
I don't know how the courts work in your state but I know that my H filed in August of last year and he was able to continue it until September of this year. Are you sure that your L can't continue it for awhile longer?
THanks everyone for stopping by I am to see the L tomorrow
H over tonight so I brought it up the D I asked is this what you want he said yes he talked a little about the paperwork and his accountant helped him do it and he mentioned I really dont make that much after you deduct all the expenses
so I (2X4) began to question him and I mentioned again how he never gave us a second chance he still rambled on about how -we already tried and went to MC 4 years ago -How CONTROLLING I was -How we fought over the fact that I ddnt want him to get a dog 4 years ago(the same dog I now have custody of) -how he wants to be with someone who will treat him like an equal( I guess a 21 year year old might be a good choice then)
I mentioned that he doesnt look very happy and now he has high Blood pressure and high cholestryl he said He will be HAPPY when all this is done! he seemed confused and would not take any responsibility for creating this mess he left and said it was MY fault the kids cried what a mess
and I dont know if I can stall the D It seems H fgilled out all the paperwork and with the court pushing us to a meeting, this may be it I will ask my L if we could stall till after holidays but truthfully I dont see how it would do any good If H wanted to stay together-he would initiate some effort he still thinks that whatever he doing is what he wants and needs and doesnt realize his weight gain high blood pressure confusion decreased business has anything to do with his choices. He still chases happiness as if it is something he will GET after this D I am so tired and tonight got super messy.. I just wnated to talk to him and I forget he is no longer there-peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Ohhhhh peace...I am so sorry you had to deal with that tonight. I am sorry that your H can't see what he has done wrong in the M and he blames you. I am sorry that your kids were upset.
If your H is pushing the D through, then you probably have no choice but to go through with it. He may have convinced himself that this is what he needs to finally be happy. I know that has to hurt but it is movement and if the D does go through, he may figure out that the grass that he thought was so much greener is actually weeds!
Good luck with the L tomorrow. Let us know how it goes.
I know you are strong and can handle anything that comes your way...so please know that there are better times ahead.
