I'd like to start a thread with the people of this group who have a walkaway spouse and no children. Not because I am indifferent to those with children but because I believe we have different issues. And, we may be able to resolve our problems with different or alternative solutions. Make sense?
Hopefully there are a few of us on these boards who wish to work on their M and have come up with new answers.
I think it does change the interaction patterns. The WAS has no reason to have any contact with you if they don't want to. It's easier for both parties to move on, and harder for the LBS to get the attention of the WAS. From the pov of the WAS it's also easier to move to the next relationship.
Are those the kind of things you are thinking of?
By the way, it is my personal opinion that you stand a better chance of solving things if your WAS is a man. Walk away wives tend to be more mentally comitted to their decision by the time they take action. Well, that's what I think anyway.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Thanks for your post. I do not know for sure if my WAS has OW. He keeps saying he doesn't. His problem with me - and he just said this today -- is that we are DIFFERENT! When I try to tell him that's not a reason to divorce, he denies it.
On the other hand, you say they have no reason to have interaction with you. How is that working for you. My H is home today, and was here last night. He's been staying in our camper in the trailer park for the past two months, but now he says he is tired of it and wants to be home because it's more "comfortable."
He's sick right now with hay fever. That's his excuse anyway. We did have a big fight today and I told him to leave and go back to the camper, but he refuses. He did receive a phone call today from someone he says is "Keith." I overheard him telling Keith that he was home and that he was "trying to stay out of an arguement."
Don't know what that was all about. Maybe some kind of Men's Rights Group for Divorcing Men or something. He won't tell me. Who knows?
As far as it being easier if its a man, I tend to disagree with you on that one. My H is the kind that once he makes up his mind with something, his stick-to-it-tiveness has amazing control. He has not budged in three months and is barging right through this D.
Thought I'd respond to you here, since this is probably where you first came across me!
Being 'different' sounds like a pretty weak excuse for getting a D if you ask me. What's all that about opposites attracting? I would hate to be similar to my spouse, after all it's the differences that make people so exciting. That should be celebrated, not rejected! (That is assuming the differences don't cross the dislike boundaries too much).
My W and I have very little reason to interact. After we separated, she actively enforced a period of no contact and was always very reluctant to agree to any meetings. Basically, her heart wasn't in it even before she dropped the bomb. I think for her, separation was as much about getting away as needing space. Once she was gone she could kill off the R from a distance (and start to live the life she had been fantasising about). I was left feeling very confused as to why there was no chance to save things. I felt I was given no explanation as to what had happened and why. The most I got was 'it doesn't feel right any more'. It has taken me a long time and a lot of reading to finally understand my role in the demise of our M. I wish I could turn back the clock and correct some of my mistakes.
It sounds to me like your H isn't being honest with his reasons. Whether he will open up to you or not, I don't know. I think people (particularly men) often harbour some kind of anger about something. The comment about trying to 'stay out of an argument' seems like a bit of an insight into how he feels.
Oh, in terms of sticking to their guns, my W is just like your H. No wavering at all, amazing really. I couldn't be like that, mind you, she always did accuse me of being indecisive.
Hope you're doing a little better. Anything new to report?
Max
Last edited by MaxP; 08/03/0812:16 PM.
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
Yes, there is a lot to report, but I guess most of it is on my thread. Where is your thread? Do you have one?
My H has distanced himself quite a bit since we last talked. Sounds eerily similar to what your W did. Are you happier now? I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "he isn't being honest." He has always been a quite person anyway, and getting any information from him in nearly impossible.
I did call him last night and he was driving home. I asked some questions and he answered me, but some of them 'didn't really match up' to what a normal reaction time and answer should have been. He has NEVER admitted it, but there's a girl - who I believe he's seeing/talking to on cell phone - who lives near where he supposedly went scouting yesterday.
He was kind enough on the phone, but that could be because he was lying and he knew it. I re-read your first post here last night and that's why I went looking for you. Your comment about how it is easier for them to pull away once they separate is becomming a reality for me too.
Our attys spoke for the first time this past Tuesday. In my defense, my atty asked that we both live in the marital home for 6-8 months and seek counseling for an uncontested divorce. And, if it doesn't work then I would "give him the house with my half equity being paid to me." His incentive would be that he would save a lot of money by not going through "the fight."
He called me Friday night to tell me he wasn't going to "...take the deal. We're getting a divorce, and I'm not going to waste eight more months and counseling and all that. That's ridiculous and I don't want to do it."
End of story. He's never gone to counseling with me all through our marriage. I just may have to fight it all the way and hope the judge "orders counseling" in the end.
"My W and I have very little reason to interact." Are you still in this predicament? Where are you in terms of the D going forward? Do you still talk to her? How is your R now?
Hey, do you know of anyone else on these boards like us? Or, are we the ONLY two?
Hi Poet, I know Lodo (who is now on vacation) is also a LBS with a WAW and no children. You can read his sitch. He has been in a few different forums. Hopefullness, piecing, Infieldelity, and I think he is now in 'surviving'.
Good luck to you. Peace Bridge
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
In terms of a current thread, I don't really have one. I tend to post on a particular theme every now and again, usually if I'm feeling low. If you look at the history of my posts, there are several threads there (give me a prod and I'll try to pick out some links to the more significant ones). If you have particular questions, then feel free to ask.
I don't like reading some of my early threads as I see myself as being a bit pathetic! I wish I had stood up for myself more and not cared as much about the potential consequences for our R. That may sound backwards, but I think on reflection it would have given us better odds.
One reason why I don't have a current thread is that I have long since given up on saving my M. This is because my W has never given me any inkling of hope, however small. I am moving on quite well these days, but at the same time am aware that friendship is a real possibility and worth it. When I consider that my W and I would probably never have a chance to have children now this has happened - *if* our R ever got back to being sound (and she doesn't want them anyway) - that just about finishes off all hope for us. Sad but true. It doesn't stop me thinking of what might have been and missing her though.
If your H is any way like my W, then he will seek to interact as little as possible, but will be polite when he does. Most interaction will be indirect and about practical issues. He will also give you no information about his life, as he considers it private and not your territory anymore. He will also act as though there is no emotional fallout for him. It's pretty harsh, but at least it's a clear message and not a rollercoaster. From my point of view, breaking off contact reduced my stress levels significantly and aided my own journey. I am happier now, but found things hard going at times. It's weird when things will strike you. Mind you, it is a form of grief for the LBS.
Does your H give you any reason to hope? It sounds to me like there is something he needs to say, possibly about the past. However, that's what I thought about my W and she always denied that she was anything but honest (and hated me asking). I don't really know.
I felt MC was a depressing and short-lived event. Even though we identified some negative patterns which could have been worked on, she gave the counsellor and I a clear message that all that was learned might be good for the next R but she didn't actually want to save the current one. I think many spouses go there in an attempt to put that message across. We lasted 2, perhaps 3 sessions. She really strongly objected to the fact that she thought I was searching for a way to fix our R. As far as she was concerned there was no fix, and fixes wouldn't have been the answer anyway. I can sort of see what she meant. However, when you are in that sitch, you look (as a man) for ways to make tangible changes to improve things.
We interact infrequently, although possibly a little more directly now that we have eventually met again. I still know very little about her personal life, nor her mine. The interaction is relatively stress free though. Enough time has passed to allow that.
I would think that there should be plenty of people out there who are in a similar sitch. What felt unusual about mine in comparison to others was the lack of a rollercoaster ride. Most seem to have seen signs of hope at some stage or another. Perhaps I am blind though!
In terms of our future, I presume that one or other of us will file for a D in a year's time. Everything else is pretty much sorted.
I will check in and try to offer as much help as I can.
Make sure you take time to look after yourself.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
I wish I had seen your post sooner. Perhaps you're offline by now. The name of my thread is "Advice from my DB coach #3. If you have time to read through it, I'm SURE you can find things to help me with. We are in the throws of the D right now, and he just told me this morning that he's thinking about a "counter offer." Only because I asked tho.
If you and your W have not filed, please re-consider the DBing method. If you and your W have not filed, then it is my opinion that you're sitch is more hopeful than mine. But let me know, OK?
Hey, do you know of anyone else on these boards like us? Or, are we the ONLY two?
Hi poet,
There's me, AliSuddenly, Beth83 and Essie in MLC, transformer in Newcomers, istherehope and pisces on separated and MichelleLT and klm (it maybe kml- I get those two confused!) in Divorced as well.
We all have differing levels of contact with the WA and at different stages along the journey....
I need to catch up on yur sitch. Hope you're having a good weekend,
