haunted by memory of Ow

[LuvMyHusband]

My H and reconciled after a 6 month seperation during which he had a EA with one woman and then a month PA/EA with another one. We have been doing well (alot of changes) until I found out that he had saved the OW from the PA, contact information and recently a picture. This hurt me tremendously. When I found out about it, I waited a day or two to talk to him and when I did, his attitude was "it's not a big deal". It is when I had asked him specifically when he returned if he had any of this, he said NO. I never wanted to know what SHE looked like, now it's in my head. I feel so hurt because I feel as if he still has feelings for her. He denies this, said she was a "friend when he needed one" and he gets defensive if I criticize her. He says he loves me, that he is ILWM and only me. I am having a hard time believing him now and I feel distant. He has hurt the budding trust I had him too. I could use some advice. Thank you.

[saffie]

Where is this OW geographically in relation to you?

Is your H with you all the time?

I will email you back later. I did reply quickly and then came on to see if you had posted.

I am sorry you find yourself backj at this place

[fightingirish]

hey luv...

I hate to see you here again...

I would express your hurt to him, in a calm non-judgemental way.

Have you guy gone to C?

[LuvMyHusband]

The OW is across the country now. He is with me all the time now, it's just the memories. I know I can't control those it's just hard to know that he is thinking of her fondly. And he is. As he described it, she was his friend and a nice person, she was even kind enough to tell him he should try to work it out with me. What's crazy is that I picture this conversation taking place as they are lying in bed with each other!!! That's probably because the picture I saw of her was a sexy pose (fully dressed) standing in front of her bed. B----h. Oh yeah, I forgot, he doesn't want me saying anything derogatory about her. That hurts alot that he defends her to me. I feel like he cares more about her feelings than mine, it sure seems as if he took care to protect hers.

The other night I told him calmly that I am very hurt and that I feel that he still has feelings for her (by keeping the picture just last month) and that he won't forget her (he signed his email...I will never forget you). He covered his eyes and then looked at me and said that was written a few months ago and that he doesn't feel the same now. It's hard for me to believe him now. If he wasn't thinking of her or was over her then why email himself her picture?

What bothers me too is that he does things, knowing it would hurt me if I knew. I don't get it. I am struggling to feel close to him, haven't been able to say ILY (maybe because I'm not sure I believe him when he reciprocates) and I have to make myself hug him goodbye when he leaves. It's not that I don't love him. I was thinking that I remind myself of the puppy that has been abused. A person reaches out to the puppy, the puppy wants so badly to go to the person but hesitates to go all the way, not trusting.

You guys know how hard it was for me to trust. I put myself out there and was trusting him for really the first time and he burnt me. He wants me to trust him but yet he does things that cause me not to. I don't get it!

[saffie]

Luv,

My H wouldn't say anything nasty about OW in the beginning and seemed to put her feelings first even though he said he was staying with me. It really hurts - I know. But time has changed all that. He now sees OW as the manipulative woman she was- and she was a real doozy. But it took time. I think he just didn't want to be seen as bad!!! How crazy is that after what they have done?

I guess not all OW are bad - some may not know that our H's were married or might not realise we still care about out M's. Others do know and just don't care. The thing is though - it's not about her at all - it's about your H - and it sounds like he is taking time in recovering from his attachment to this woman. That seems to be the most common scenario on these boards; I think my H was unusual in his ability to just walk away from OW and not look back.

Acknowledge your hurt and accept that you are going to need time to heal and that each time you get hit with something like this it WILL seem to send you back again a bit. But then you will move forward again. Recovering from this sort of a situation, IMO, takes years - not weeks or months. Don't expect too much too soon.

(((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

[LuvMyHusband]

Thanks Saffie,
I read through some of the other threads and it seems like what I am feeling is very normal. That helped. Isn't it nice to know we aren't nuts?? lol. It does hurt like heck to know that he had feelings for her. The way he talked about her was like salt in the wound. Good grief. He only knew her for about a month. Any one can be saintly for a month!! Does he think it helps me to feel better to know that he had an A with a NICE person vs. a nasty one?

I was doing pretty well, so was our R until this stuff came to light. I didn't even feel distant from him after he first told me. I think it's because I expected him to be honest and remorseful and he just doesn't seem to be. He almost seems to justify what he did, "we were seperated, I as D you". Gee, I didn't know that. I feel angry, hurt and disappointed that he did this, like you said, it's like a betrayal again. What, did I make it too easy for him?

Anyway, I know I need to get a grip. I would like to hear him sincerely apologize to me. He knows me, he has to know that I havne't been myself and that i am hurting. I am going to see a doctor today for meds so hopefully that will help.

Thanks Saffie.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Luv,

Hey sorry.

I am all about boundaries once they come back.

"Yes we were seperated, get rid of the stuff. I deserve better than to find reminders when I look, and I will look, because it is human nature to verify trust. I will stop looking in time when I stop finding mementos you keep. I require your words and actions to match, not contradict one and other. You want us, then in this you need to prove it to me, not the other way around."

But that is just me. Once they come back the doormat gets rolled up and the boundaries are set in stone. I'll only go through this once.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi Jack,
I reminded him that he had said he had gotten rid of that stuff. He has apologized for it but isn't taking full responsibility. He says that "you caused us both unnecessary pain by looking at my email". Can you believe it? He is also upset because I was honest and told him that yes, I did email her. I wanted her to know that their R caused pain. Apparently she D her H for infidelity and here she did the same to someone else. My H told me that he was upset that I contacted her and that I made him "look like he set out to cheat and to use her". Incredible, that he is more concerned about what SHE feels and SHE thinks and how HE feels than me!! I kept my cool and told him that it hurts that this is his concern instead of me. I also told him that he should be more concerned for my feelings and what I think and feel for him than anyone else. He just doesn't seem to get that HE is the one who caused this by his actions not me. I also told him what I need and want from him. His attitude that if I didn't know, it wouldn't be a problem just hurts me more. His attitude that if "he makes a mistake and should be able to do it and correct it without me knowing" is ridiculous. This just isn't any "mistake". It's a breach of trust on his part. Good grief. Any suggestions here? He seems to be oblivious.

[eee]

Hi LMH -

I hope I can help, but it's not like I really have all the answers either.

My H had an A/MLC too. When we decided to reconcile, one of the things he said was "I don't want to talk to her ever again, but I also don't want to pretend that she never existed. She is part of my PAST now and I'd even like to keep a picture of her." This was hard for me to hear (esp. since she was a model! ) BUT I think the important thing to concentrate on the fact he is choosing to be with YOU, not her!

Have you had any past relationships? Don't you still have pictures (and memories too)? Doesn't mean you want to go back to that person or time in your life, but it IS part of who you are today.

Having said all this (and sounding all sure of myself and confident) I admit I am very scared and insecure too. Gaining trust again after an affair is unbelievably HARD... I've come to the conclusion that it just takes time. A LOT of time...

Hang in there.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi E,
Yes, I have had past relationships. There is a big difference between keeping a picture of an ex and keeping a picture of someone you cheated on your spouse with. My H has been D before, he had pictures of his ex for several years. No biggie. But keeping a picture of someone he cheated on me with is NOT going to happen. It is most definitely not the same thing. I'm a little different, I was married before too and I never wanted to keep pictures. I just didn't want to.

What bothers me is that my H seems to think that this would never have happened if I hadn't looked. I don't know how his thinking can be so skewed. He just doesn't seem to take responsiblity that if he hadn't done it, this wouldn't be happening.

I keep telling myself that he did choose me and that's what matters. He did do something the other day that helped. Before he had the PA with this woman, he had an EA with another woman over the phone and net. This woman is psycho. Seriously. He hasn't talked to her in months or emailed her but she still keeps seems to try to get him to communicate with her. I also think she may be trying to find out information about us. She set up an email account and then IM'ed him a couple of months ago. He didn't respond. Then she tried emailing him, nothing there either. Last Sunday I get a text on my cell phone from this person stating "looking for your hubby, LMAO". I blew it off but showed it to my H. What's scary is how did she get my number? He certainly wouldn't have given it to her. Two days later she emails him from her known account (it went to spam) and asked "just wanted to know if you were alive and kicking". He deleted it without responding. I would hate to think what she would do if she knew where we lived.

Anyway, I am doing a little better. He hugged me and told me that I have nothing to worry about and that he loves me. This is what I want from him.

Have a good day all.