Helping OW??

[fooled again]

Cat,

Whatever changes you want to make do them first and foremost for you.

True. I have been, I am & I will continue to work on this. I guess talking to OW has really made me realize how far I have come since the bomb. OW's H left her & she was a mess, but she says over time she became very strong & independent. Now she is right back where she was back then. It is a very good illustration of how easy it is to slip back into codependence when you are back in a R - I think women are so prone to do that, to make someone else the focus of their hapiness & self esteem. I use OW as my warning that if H does come back, I will have to work hard to keep my identity, my strenth, my independence. Or (worst case), if H doesn't come back, I don't become totally dependent on someone else.

No you can't, the sooner you understand this the better. I too thought "I" could handle it, the problem is him and not you, we've all been through so much. You can't save him from himself, you can't "fix" him, the ow isnt' the problem, it is his unwillingness to commit, he needs help alright, but from a C, only he can solve his problems.

What I mean is, w/out the worry of OW, I believe that I could give H all the time & space & compassion he needs to work through this. I know I can't "fix" him, that is up to him. But there is peace of mind knowing that there isn't another person bogging down the process. I believe that only once OW is gone can H work on himself. Right now he is so trapped in the cycle of going back & forth b/w OW & I, covering his tracks, managing his stories (read: lies), that he is nowhere near dealing w/ the real issues that lie behind his MLC. H has little faith in T, though he did allude to maybe talking to a C back in the beg of June (I'm fairly sure he hasn't yet, and maybe that was just another lie).

No he wasnt', all along--before you found out--he was deceiving you and lying to your face, had you not found out he'd prob would've dragged the sitch on and on, not strong enough to break it with either of you.

I don't know that & neither do you & maybe H doesn't either.

You are blaming yourself for standing your ground and for his weakness, don't!

Maybe you're right. My non-DB coach feels the same way as you do, thinks it's better to have boundaries, better to have the truth out there, better to bring it all out in the light of day. I'm leery of telling H about my convos w/ OW, but coach thinks I should. I haven't decided yet.

FA

[fooled again]

I was just reading some of BFM's old posts and here's quote from Cinders from a year ago:

"If what one finds is made of pure matter it will never spoil. And one can always come back If what you had found is only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star you would find nothing on your return" (The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho)

I just finished that book and it was very thought provoking. This passage struck me too when I read it.

H went to get a campsite for me but they were all full It was a lot of trouble for him and I told him how much I appreciated his trouble and how sorry I was that it was a waste. He suggested I go very early in the am to see if I could get "us" a site for Sat night. Hmmm, how did it go from my camping trip to ours?

Anyway, H was supposedly golfing w/ buddies tonight (not sure if I believe him). He asked if he could call me after. I said okay. I think he won't call, not that I'm really worried about it. I told myself (I might have even posted this) that I don't trust him so I won't even try. It actually has made me feel more calm now that I've given myself permission not to try to trust H. Interesting...

So I'll go try to get a site for Sat night (one nite in the woods is better than none).

FA

[ddstartingover]

Sorry for the hi-jack. I'm looking for BFM and FW. I have confirmed (without a doubt) the existence of OW. OW that I accused H of 2 years ago. After 2 years of blaming myself for making a "false accusation," and thinking we are HERE because of my insecurities, I now know for certain that this isn't all about me. It is MLC.

H has not admitted OW. I don't know if he can. He moved out yesterday. He's very obviously conflicted. I'm looking for help for the future---should H consider to return. I know that FW believed that he made so many mistakes he couldn't come back----what changed his mind?

I fought hard to keep H at home (backed off, no pressure, etc.), but he moved out yesterday. I know he is in total conflict. I know that he is internally about to explode.


I'm attaching my current thread. I would appreciate any and all input. Current Thread