Ok... so I am going to soften my postion a little.
I had coffee with a family member the other day who is a church "lifer". Meaning someone who has spent their entire life in church. Very immersed in church culture. Speaks in Chirstianese, etc.
They have gone through a significant personal tragedy several months ago. I was amazed how real our dialogue was. I was amazed how genuine her church experienced seemed in this circumstance. I was amazed how maturely she admitted that some church teaching missed the mark in what she was going through.
I suppose change can happen anywhere and any time. I suppose even in trying to be truthful and accurate, I can become extreme and agenda-driven.
Hey Chazz, don't think I have posted to you before, but your responses and support to others is amazing. I hope you see that!
Just wanted to ask you, if your new W a former LBS? I think I read that somewhere today and was wondering. I truly believe that if/when I am ready to find someone new, it would have to be someone previously left behind, someone who has been touched by infidelity. Do you think you would have connected with someone as much if not?
My new W an LBW? Meaning Left Behind Wife? I presume? No she wasnt. She left and abusive sitch of her own choice. Her XH left her on her own a lot with kids and household responsibilities. Some physical abuse finally happened so she packed it in. Dont get me wrong, he was not a monster. He stepped over a line from which there was virtually no coming back. My XW maintains a parenting R with him and it is as good as these situations get. Frankly, he is a nice guy and if a guy has made such a mistake in a marriage, I am glad to see there is a chance at redeeming himself and being a good parent and citizen in spite of a mistake like this. (I am not minimizing the impact of abuse).
So... in some sense, my new W was a WAW given that she left a marriage.... however.... it was for reasons other than betrayal/infideltiy which seems to be what we are talking about.
Having been hurt by a WAW so badly, I really had to come to grips with who I would choose to move forward with. I too thought I could only relate to someone who had been left behind. The thought malingered in my mind... "Since this woman left her husband (reason aside), is she really the commitment type?".
So I do not wish to minimize the subj of physical abuse. I suppose I wanted to be cautious not to let that overshadow other issues that my new W may have brought to the falling apart of the marriage. Can you see how sensitive of a subj this is?
I frankly believe we need to be so rigorously honest, that we are willing to ask tough questions like this. Even if there is a flagrant violation by one spouse such as abuse and/or infidelity, the abused or betrayed spouse still has issues that can make or break an R that need to be dealt with realistically. Whew! There.... I said it. I got it out.
My new marriage was a merging of an X-abused and X-betrayed. So potentially.... both of us had issues that could be overshadowed by a more severe or dramatic issue that we could potentially blame or point at that would distract us from our own issues.
In short.... here it is from my own mouth....quote by Chaz: "Even though I was betrayed, I had a part in getting the relationship to where it was. If I only ever point at my XW's betrayal, I would not have the chance to be healthy and happy in a new R".
Similarly, I cannot be naive enough to hide my new W's issues behind abuse of her X (which she doesnt) and ignore the fact that she in and of herself has issues of her own that need to be realistically dealt with in our R. I am under no circumstances saying she deserved to be abused. Thankfully she is very open and honest about the fact she too has issues of her own that need work in our R.
My suggestion if I may.... dont look for someone who has been left behind. Look for an open-minded and honest person. Someone on an honest journey. Their past is of less importance. Although, I will say I can relate to you in that I did not think I could trust anyone but a fellow Left-behind. But this proved to be incorrect in my sitch.
Be cautious not to find a comiseration-buddy. I have been trapped in this where I would be with people who had also been betrayed and we spent far too much time talking about what victims we were. This is the slippery slope of mutual-self-pity that gets us nowhere and keeps us there.
Beware of rescuers too. There are lots of people out there who want to soothe the broken-hearted betrayed ex-spouse. These are not healthy people.
Wow... I have gone on long. I hope there is something meaningful in all of this for you.
I had to make a tough choice today. I was taught a few years ago that the tough choices in life are not right versus wrong. Those are easey. The tough ones are right versus right.
I was all set to accept a new job. Hours before I submitted my written acceptance of the offer, a friend who works for the company called me and warned me of an extreme uncertainty with the company. This friend was in fact the person who introduced me to the company and got me the interview.
I have developed a respect and liking to the owner and did not want to go back on my verbal commitment to join the company. Particularly after deliberations and generous offers.
So I had to make a right versus right decision. Follow through on my word in spite of the news I received... OR.... back away from the job because of the news (which is somewhat subjective) I received... OR .... discuss the issue with the owner who would immediately know where I got the information and that may not bode well for my friend. So actually this is a right versus right versus right decision.
Is this not more often the case in life? Where there are merits to all of the options in front of us? And all merits are noble and credible? And somehow we have to weigh them and make a choice of the better of the merits?
My first decision was to uphold my loyalty to my friend and not disclose to the owner where I heard the piece of info. My next was to my family and not take the leap of faith into the new job when I already have a good one.... I did not want to risk good for a chance at better.
The "right" that I decided against was to follow through on my word to the owner to come on board after long discussions. This was not easy but I narrowed the decision down to the most meaningful crieteria.
I am left a little anxious for not being able to choose all options. But at the same time have comfort in knowing that I made the difficult decision wisely and in a manner that was true to myself and in the best service to God as I understand him and the people in my life.
I suppose in these respects we really cannot do wrong for doing right. But these are the more cumbersome choices. Right versus right. Yet the ability to make clear choices in these right/right circumstances are a mark of maturity and strength that will serve us well in all areas of our lives.
I often think of Solomon in the Bible and his priority on seeking wisdom. I can imagine in ruling a kingdom, how many right versus right decisions he would have had to make. Not unlike our modern political leaders.
This is the type of outworking of the Bible that is meaningful to me. This is where I currently feel my relationship with God shows itself. Funny.... I have had less church than I have ever had and yet discovered more truths from the Bible than ever.
And frankly, the pain, agony and confusion of the past few years has brought me to a place where I feel I can make better decisions of this type than I ever could before.
"What the enemy meant for evil... God turned around for good". (Chaz paraphrased version).
In spite of the fact that I feel I have learned much and seem to be able to share what I have learned, I still hurt today.
I miss my kids. It hurts that they believe the lies my XW has told them. It hurts that they seem to value the memory of their recently deceased grandfather over me.
It hurts to see my kids get trained up in the arts of denial and avoidance.
I have learned to live a day at a time. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that this too will pass. I know God is in control.
In spite of the fact that I feel I have learned much and seem to be able to share what I have learned, I still hurt today.
I miss my kids. It hurts that they believe the lies my XW has told them. It hurts that they seem to value the memory of their recently deceased grandfather over me.
It hurts to see my kids get trained up in the arts of denial and avoidance.
I have learned to live a day at a time. I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that this too will pass. I know God is in control.
It does not change the fact that today it hurts.
Ciao.
Chaz
Chaz,
I am right there with you.....
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I never thought that the definiation of Left Behind or Walk Away indicated the one who physically left the home. I always felt like it referred to the one who emotionally left the marriage.
My sister was married for over 30 years. The last 5 years of her marriage they had seperate bedrooms and seperate lives while her husband openly carried on with OW. Neither one of them wanted to leave their home but it got so bad my sister needed to regain respect for herself and knew she couldn't do that living in that situation...so technically my sister is the Walk Away but is she really?
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
Miss kids? oh yeah...even after you recover from the betrail of your spouse, you still have to deal with the kids. You have to watch them grow up and be shapped by this divorce. The living situation that they are tossed into and the continued influence of not just your Xspouse but whatever low life they choice to introduce your children to!
Sorry, maybe low life was a little harsh but there are times it fits just right!
Let me tell you how horrible it was when my X married his OW only months after our divorce and my son was the best man!! I don't know which hurt most, the wedding or the vision in my head of my son standing there smiling as that women came down the aisle. It's been over three years and it still makes me sick!
I take strength from the fact that although my oldest child did attend the wedding, she refused the invitation to be the maid of honor and her husband refused to attend at all. My youngest child also refused to attend...
Talking about church!! My X's uncle is a minister and assisted at our Catholic wedding and then officiated at my X's second wedding!! Now that's low!!
Gigi
"It's not what happens to you, it's what you make of it." Zig Ziglar
My sister was married for over 30 years. The last 5 years of her marriage they had seperate bedrooms and seperate lives while her husband openly carried on with OW. Neither one of them wanted to leave their home but it got so bad my sister needed to regain respect for herself and knew she couldn't do that living in that situation...so technically my sister is the Walk Away but is she really?
Gigi,
I do not think your sister is even close to being a WAW..... In my mind, that term means someone who just leaves WITHOUT trying... We can argue forever about if your sister really "tried"..... BUT...
I think the fact they lived in separate bedrooms... He KNEW there were problems....
The fact he was blatantly carrying on with OW..... He KNEW there were problems....
So, this was NOT a case of a W just "ending it"........
Take Care,
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Let me tell you how horrible it was when my X married his OW only months after our divorce and my son was the best man!! I don't know which hurt most, the wedding or the vision in my head of my son standing there smiling as that women came down the aisle. It's been over three years and it still makes me sick!
Gigi,
There are so many things about my sitch which make me sick... Mainly, the type of woman my exW really was... I could imagine how all of this makes you feel... I am sorry about that....
As a son, I could NEVER have stood there as EITHER of my parents were getting married to their A partner...... It is like accepting this person into your "family"... One who ripped your "real family" apart....
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
