My Wife dropped the bombshell 4 weeks ago now and basically told me I love you but I am not in love with you and never have been. We have been married 4 years and have so fra hadd a great life toghether. We are still very friendly and talk and laugh but the sexual chemistry is none existent and to be truthful never wsa there in a big way. According to my wife it was never there. I have found out in the last week that she is also having an affair. I have looked through a lot of the posts on this site and I am reading Divorce Remedy as well as taking coaching lessons but really the only question that still remains is - is it possible to create a spark, a connection that was never there?
I am right there with you except that there was a great spark at one time. Once we said "I do" the spark disappeared for her (she had some childhood abuse issues that were probably the cause).
In any case, I told her I wanted a divorce back in January and she talked me into trying some more and has been trying to create that connection. Intimacy for us is extremely awkward now and pretty much has been since we got married and she started using our relationship as her emotional landfill. But I digress...
Now, the problem is that I got to the point where I did not want to be with her anymore. After 6 years of being beaten down by her and her legitimate issues, being intimate with her is the last thing on my mind.
Do I think you can create a connection? Maybe, but it's not likely and if you do IT WILL TAKE A HELLUVA LOT OF WORK to get there. I cannot stress this enough! If you BOTH are not willing to work yourselves nearly to death to create that connection it is not going to happen. If you even are able to create that connection, it will likely take years to accomplish.
Since you don't have kids I would believe your wife, step up and get out. You are going to be ok and so is she. You are in this for a partnership AND a friendship. Not just a friendship...you can get that at the pub.
I am not trying to throw a wet blanket on you but I just want to tell you what this has been like in my marriage.
I feel for you my H told me the other day that "marriage is a gamble" and he has been sleeping on the couch. The kids have noticed (boys 4 and 7) and I am not really sure what to tell them. I have done the begging, lots of crying, persuing and now for the past day or so have backed off. It is really hard. The other day when he said the gamble thing I asked if he ever loved me at all (stupid question I backed him into a corner) and he said "I guess" I am really angry at him right now - my mother passed away 6 weeks ago we were very close and he has not helped me through it at all (he just lost his business and I know that is a blow but I really did need him there for me) I have been trying to forgive him just for my own well being but it is a hard thing to do. It does feel like everything is falling apart is falling apart right now. I hope we stay together, but if we don't I hope what I am learning through the DR book and grief counsling willhelp me at least get me through whatever happens and keep me and my sons sane.
M 40 H 41 M 14 years 2 Boys
Me 40 H 41 T17/M14 Sons 7 and 4 OW - yes for over a year "I don't know what I want" 5/29/08
Temporarily hijacking this thread, my apologies to Johnc...
Meatpuppet, you sound just like what my H might be saying if he posted on here. He and I were very passionate before we were married and afterwards, the spark just died, pretty much instantly. He says he feels beaten down by me and doesn't want to be with me or be intimate with me. I've asked him what he does want but he doesn't answer, I think he's given up believing that I am capable of giving him anything he wants. At this point, though, I think we *are* both working to create a connection. It is incredibly hard though.
As a man who has been in a similar situation to my H, do you have any suggestions for me? If you do, PM me or post in my super long thread, I don't want to completely derail this one. >.>;
Me - 31 H - 31 M-6 T-8 S - 7 (he is a cat) my thread The truth is NOT as bad as your feelings.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
